THE NEVER ENDING SAGA OF DAVID LEE ROTH PART 1      After an invigorating sleep inside the dumpster behind the kitchen door at Caesar's Palace, David Lee Roth awoke to severe gastric disturbances. "Whoa, oh man. Must be that greenish yellow ham I ate" Dave groaned loudly. The previous night, Dave went dumpster diving for a meal. The dumpster he chose belonged to a restaurant called Amoriggi's House Of Mambo Style Buffet. A chew and spew, cock-roach infested eatery frequented by broke, suicidal folk who have been swallowed whole and shit out by the cruel vice, known as gambling. David was intrigued with the restaurant's neon sign, especially the word Mambo. He kept repeating it as he searched the filthy trash receptacle. Dave was neck deep in the dumpster when his hunger pains and desperate taste buds zeroed in on a moldy ham. Roth howling at the moon like a crazed lunatic, putting Lon Chaney to shame, grabbed the ham, tucked it under his arm, and ran off into the night like he was an NFL star, just starting down the field on his way to a sixty yard touch-down. Once back inside his make-shift cardboard shelter, located in downtown Las Vegas, Roth tears into the days old ham, not caring that everything has a price. Which brings us to the present. Dave is writhing in pain, as the the threat of having mud caked shorts becomes more real with the passage of time. PART 2: WILL WORK FOR FOOD      David was still hunched over with deep, sharp, knife-like pains in the center of his abs, but he knew he could not allow a horribly upset stomach, or the threat of a "brown flood" to side-track his gig at Circus - Circus, well............ actually, his gig in front of Circus - Circus, on the side walk. Dave was now a seasoned street performer, and being a show-man, he loves an audience - any audience. Dave has performing in his blood. One time after washing up, he played a four hour show to himself in front of the mirror in the men's room at the Las Vegas bus depot. He planned a six hour show, however, it was cut short when he was arrested for public intoxication, frightening small children, trespassing and vagrancy. Dave looked out from inside his cardboard dwelling to find a person with a watch. Dave spots a weary tourist who his trying to walked around to avoid David. "Excusy doo, kind Sir. Would you happen to have the time?" David asked. "It is quarter till noon." said the frightened tourist, as he hurried to get away. "Oh man, I had better get to my gig, do a jig, then I gets to eat a fig...wop wadda, shooby dooby dooby do wop, wop wadda." Dave croaked, his voice cracking like a prepubescent Peter Brady. Dave grabbed his shopping cart, the one that held his stage props and headed off to his "Circus - Circus" gig. Upon arriving at Circus-Circus, Dave spots a perfect piece of sidewalk to set up the stage. Dave, dressed shabbily in a brown, blue, yellow, green, black, and red tuxedo that used to be solid white, reaches into the shopping cart to get a make-shift cardboard sign. The top of the sign, written in crayon and marker reads " D L R The Show Of Shows !", the bottom reads "Homeless Man. Spare Change Appreciated. Will Work For Food - God Bless You!" After setting up the sign, Dave reaches back into the cart and pulls out an acoustic guitar that only has three strings, as the show is almost ready to start. Dave is starting to get that butterfly feeling as he pretends the imaginary curtain opens, exposing him to a crowd of thousands, but as he opens his eyes and reality sets in, the only people here for this show are - the fellow homeless. Undaunted, Dave kicks into high gear with a perfect show opener, an acoustic version of Mean Streets. Judging from the audience reaction, Dave is a hit. While Dave is ripping out the lryics to Mean Streets, two bag-ladies clap, and a homeless man is vomiting profusely after chugging rubbing alchohol. Dave has made it through the first of many songs, it is now time to build a rapport with the audience. "Howdy-do Vegas? Bip boo bop, to the tippity top!!! Alright, you people rock!" Dave yells to the one or two people who are brave enough to watch this spectacle. Dave notices the large, bloody, lung tissue filled pool of vomit laying there on the sidewalk, and incorporates it into his stage schmooze. Dave points to the homeless man, the one responsible for the grotesque puddle of sick, and pretends to scold him. " Hey man, what's the deal? You throw up again, and I'm gonna come out there and fuck your girlfriend." said Dave. "Go ahead, my lady has no teeth. Shit, I don't even touch that pussy!" The homeless man yelled back, heckling Roth. David let it drop and continued his act. "Well, boop buddy hump, a binga dinga mump, that is one ocean of sick. You can't walk around that puddle, so you might as well JUMP!" Dave screamed, and plunged into a rocking version of the 1984 smash hit. PART 3: Rumblings      Diamond Dave was in full swing. As David carefully caressed, and nourished each lyric, the three homeless people in the audience nodded in agreement that this was the most passionate cover version of "Don't You Make My Brown Eyes Blue" they had ever heard, mainly due to Roth's tender phrasing. This was the part of the show where Dave takes the audience for a low, weepy dip. After he finishes the Crystal Gayle classic, Dave starts in with a deep stage rap. "Ya know folks, we're all folks. Made from the same mold and tossed to fend for ourselves on this nutty, and kooky big blue marble, we call Mother Earth." Dave rambled on, as if he took this speech from the Sammy Davis Jr. hand book on stage schmoozing. "I just want to say to you all, with the deepest sincerity. I have never felt so much love at one gathering, than I do today, and I mean that. Go on, give yourselves a round of applause. Yes. We can make a difference if we all pull together. This next song is about togetherness." Dave , pulling the emotional strings of the audience, launched into a poignant version of "Me And My Shadow." Dave had the audience feeding from his palm, they are his, and it was time to take them up high again. For the next song, another Van Halen powerhouse tune, Roth is joined by two fellow homeless musicians. On percussion is Fred the bottle collector. Fred can make some wild sounds with bottles and cans. On bass, Jackie the wino. Jackie, in between swigs from his abysmal bottle of Maddog 20/20, mimics the sound of a bass guitar by puckering his lips together and belting out a hearty "Boom Bu Boom Bu Boom, Boom Boom. "I'd like to introduce my band, the Grand Masters Of Mambo Debauchery. We are gonna go way back with this next tune. The one that started it all.........RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL!" Dave screamed. Jackie, lips puckered, starts the song "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM." Dave and Fred join in, ripping head first into this classic rocker. Midway through the adrenaline filled tune, Roth begins to feel horrifying cramps in his stomach. "Why did I eat that fucking ham?" Dave thinks to himself. As the intensity of the cramps grow, Dave realizes he has precious little time left before his pants and the sidewalk are overflowing in a flood of vile brown liquid.   PART 4: The Explosion:    To be added by author at a later date. To email the article you just read above to someone else {click here} .

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