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lms2
09-20-2004, 08:43 PM
Women's instructions

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

lms2
09-20-2004, 08:47 PM
ha ha ha

sambo
09-20-2004, 09:04 PM
If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear him..... do you still think he's wrong?

Ozzy Fudd
09-20-2004, 09:14 PM
beautifull work lms2 Roth on

lms2
09-20-2004, 11:44 PM
I think I need to go pull up a few of your "scattered" threads... LOL

Figs
09-20-2004, 11:49 PM
Men are all pigs! I should know, I used to be one!

lms2
09-20-2004, 11:56 PM
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rollingaround in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practising to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR Three -one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

guwapo_rocker
09-21-2004, 12:03 AM
Bitch!:D

lms2
09-21-2004, 12:05 AM
but you love me anyway. ;)

guwapo_rocker
09-21-2004, 12:09 AM
Originally posted by lms2
but you love me anyway. ;)

Yeah I'm whipped, but only by you.

Please tell me I'm too old to go down on you

for an hour again.:D

On that note, goodnight.

lms2
09-21-2004, 12:17 AM
Goodnight.

lms2
09-21-2004, 12:18 AM
:D

ELVIS
09-21-2004, 12:23 AM
Originally posted by lms2
Women's instructions

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Not true! Some men appreciate a hard working woman with a knack for spotlessness...

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Is this good or bad ??

Obviously, this was not very well thougt out...

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

Amen!

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

..and think about keeping your legs closed to strangers next time...

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

See above...

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Then what would you do, fight over other women ??

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

This one is stupid...

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

I agree.. get off the phone and spread your legs...

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

:rolleyes:

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

What's wrong with that ??

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Stupid...

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

Tell that to his 18 year old girlfriend...

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

And you will be sitting all alone...again...

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

True, but you're the one wo asked us to stay. What's the problem ??

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Because you're all sluts...

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

Lame...

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

We don't care either way...

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

Like I said. You're all sluts...




:elvis:

lms2
09-21-2004, 12:25 AM
You're single aren't you Elvis?

ELVIS
09-21-2004, 12:27 AM
Yes...

lms2
09-21-2004, 12:33 AM
it shows. :D

ELVIS
09-21-2004, 01:13 AM
Based on what ??

lms2
09-21-2004, 01:17 AM
Your charming personality and thoughtfulness towards women.

ELVIS
09-21-2004, 01:20 AM
I love women...

Ally_Kat
09-21-2004, 09:08 AM
Gregie!

:(

ELVIS
09-21-2004, 09:11 AM
What ??

Ally_Kat
09-21-2004, 09:12 AM
I am not a slut!

ELVIS
09-21-2004, 09:16 AM
I didn't mean it towards all women...

Re-read what I answered...

pete
09-21-2004, 09:17 AM
"Not true! Some men appreciate a hard working woman with a knack for spotlessness..."

agreed.

It's a pleasure for me to come home.

My favorite place.

It smells good, the tiles are clean, no dust.

I'm getting hard.

ELVIS
09-21-2004, 09:18 AM
I see how it sounded though...

I apologize...

Panamark
09-21-2004, 09:43 AM
These threads amuse me to no end.

When you are with the right person, all of this
is a load of crap !!!!!!

So Simple. So True.

Panamark
09-21-2004, 09:45 AM
But they are funny to read ! :)

Ally_Kat
09-21-2004, 09:55 AM
Originally posted by Panamark
These threads amuse me to no end.

When you are with the right person, all of this
is a load of crap !!!!!!

So Simple. So True.

I'm with ya on that one Markie.

We should plan a double wedding ;) lol!

lms2
09-21-2004, 01:30 PM
What Women Want in a Man
What women want in a man at age 22:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 32:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 42:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 52:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 62:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 72:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

lms2
09-21-2004, 01:35 PM
THE PERFECT MAN

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay

Figs
09-21-2004, 01:36 PM
What Women Want in a Man

What women want in a man at age 22:
Money

What women want in a man at age 32:
More Money

What women want in a man at age 42:
More Money

What women want in a man at age 52:
More Money

What women want in a man at age 62:
More Money

What women want in a man at age 72:
Dead but had lots of life insurance

lms2
09-21-2004, 01:45 PM
Ha Ha Ha

At least thats consistent!

Jano
09-21-2004, 01:59 PM
I'm not like that,period!!!Sorry lms2,i have more respect for my girlfriend than that!

lms2
09-21-2004, 02:04 PM
Men, are you feeling bashed by this thread? No harm intended here. Its all for a laugh. Even if I have to laugh alone. But honestly, if you can't laugh at this thread... I will stop there.

Figs
09-21-2004, 02:06 PM
Oww!! Truth hurts!

lms2
09-21-2004, 02:08 PM
Aw, Figs, you know I would never say anything bad about YOU!

lms2
09-21-2004, 02:10 PM
Okay, heres a challenge then. Can anyone find anything good/funny to post about men. Its welcome here. So are hot pics of Dave, or other men... but no penises. Sarge doesn't like that. Or, men, since this is entitled "Instructions for Women" maybe you could tell us what you really love about that special woman in your life...

lms2
09-21-2004, 02:10 PM
or I guess what you really hate about the not so special ones... but a little of that goes a long, LONG way.

Figs
09-21-2004, 02:21 PM
Whats that old joke about the perfect woman?

"A deaf mute nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store" or something like that?

Brett
09-21-2004, 02:23 PM
A chick that turns into a pizza and SportsCenter after sex...I've heard that one too.

Jano
09-21-2004, 03:02 PM
Originally posted by lms2
Men, are you feeling bashed by this thread? No harm intended here. Its all for a laugh. Even if I have to laugh alone. But honestly, if you can't laugh at this thread... I will stop there. that's fine with me,don't worry!;)

frenchie
09-21-2004, 03:06 PM
no woman no cry, as used to say bob!

lms2
09-21-2004, 06:16 PM
Originally posted by Figs
Whats that old joke about the perfect woman?

"A deaf mute nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store" or something like that?

Or was it something about being three feet tall with a flat head?


Originally posted by Brett
A chick that turns into a pizza and SportsCenter after sex...I've heard that one too.

Yeah, I think Dave's ideal woman turns into a pizza at 3:00 a.m.
But you know what they say... if you need a sports center after sex...your doing it wrong.

Guys, this isn't exactly what I meant, But I do appreciate the thought and effort you put into it.

guwapo_rocker
09-21-2004, 06:18 PM
Good evening LMS2.

lms2
09-21-2004, 06:19 PM
I was thinking more along the lines of...

I knew my wife was the woman for me when I showed up an hour late for our first date and she smiled sweetly and asked me the final score...

I knew my wife was the one for me when I asked her where she would like me to take her for dinner, and she pointed towards the bedroom... ;)

I knew my wife was the one for me when I offered to take her shopping on Sunday afternoon, and she drove me to the music supply (autoparts?) store...

*****idea for next thread, can army women teach army men how to romantical?*****

lms2
09-21-2004, 06:35 PM
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty .... do it and die."

10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day

lms2
09-21-2004, 06:36 PM
Hey Guwapo! I didn't see you there. You got a new avatar.

guwapo_rocker
09-21-2004, 06:40 PM
Yep u like?

lms2
09-21-2004, 06:42 PM
Ummm, sure. I like it. I like anything you want to put on your avatar...but I am not sure it does you justice.

(you are way more sexy than that...)

Yes, Guwapo, I love your new avatar!

guwapo_rocker
09-21-2004, 06:44 PM
Thank you, thats how the label looks after 17 of them....

lms2
09-21-2004, 06:47 PM
Right... Is that todays count?

****note to self, if you make to the dave show in Toronto, get Guwapo Stellas****

guwapo_rocker
09-21-2004, 06:49 PM
Originally posted by lms2
Right... Is that todays count?

****note to self, if you make to the dave show in Toronto, get Guwapo Stellas****

No, work week you know. Must be responsible, might have a couple after work.

lms2
09-21-2004, 06:52 PM
Okay. So how is work going?

guwapo_rocker
09-21-2004, 06:54 PM
Nice and quiet tonight (knock on wood).

What are you up to?

lms2
09-21-2004, 06:55 PM
Just got home from work and had to come and see you.

guwapo_rocker
09-21-2004, 07:00 PM
That's very nice, and your plans for this evening?

lms2
09-21-2004, 07:03 PM
Right now going to pick up my daughter, then cook supper...then more of this. lol yours?

guwapo_rocker
09-21-2004, 07:15 PM
Work till about 9:30 then it's Stella time then home.

sambo
09-21-2004, 10:00 PM
Originally posted by lms2
Okay, heres a challenge then. Can anyone find anything good/funny to post about men. Its welcome here. So are hot pics of Dave, or other men... but no penises. Sarge doesn't like that. Or, men, since this is entitled "Instructions for Women" maybe you could tell us what you really love about that special woman in your life...

The Male Stages of Life

Drink
17 ~ beer
25 ~ beer
35 ~ vodka
48 ~ double vodka
66 ~ Maalox


Seduction Line
17 ~ My parents are away for the weekend.
25 ~ My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 ~ My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 ~ My wife is away for the weekend.
66 ~ My second wife is dead.


Favorite Sport
17 ~ sex
25 ~ sex
35 ~ sex
48 ~ sex
66 ~ napping


Definition of a Successful Date
17 ~ "tongue"
25 ~ "breakfast"
35 ~ "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 ~ "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 ~ "Got home alive."


Favorite Fantasy
17 ~ getting to third
25 ~ airplane sex
35 ~ menage a trois
48 ~ taking the company public
66 ~ Swiss maid/Nazi love slave


House Pet
17 ~ roaches
25 ~ stoned-out college roommate
35 ~ Irish setter
48 ~ children from his first marriage
66 ~ Barbi clone


What's The Ideal Age to get Married
17 ~ 25
25 ~ 35
35 ~ 48
48 ~ 66
66 ~ 17


Ideal Date
17 ~ Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 ~ "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 ~ "Just come over."
48 ~ "Just come over and cook."
66 ~ sex in the company jet on the way to the Casino.

David Van Via
09-21-2004, 10:03 PM
Originally posted by sambo
The Male Stages of Life

Drink
17 ~ beer
25 ~ beer
35 ~ vodka
48 ~ double vodka
66 ~ Maalox


Seduction Line
17 ~ My parents are away for the weekend.
25 ~ My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 ~ My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 ~ My wife is away for the weekend.
66 ~ My second wife is dead.


Favorite Sport
17 ~ sex
25 ~ sex
35 ~ sex
48 ~ sex
66 ~ napping


Definition of a Successful Date
17 ~ "tongue"
25 ~ "breakfast"
35 ~ "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 ~ "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 ~ "Got home alive."


Favorite Fantasy
17 ~ getting to third
25 ~ airplane sex
35 ~ menage a trois
48 ~ taking the company public
66 ~ Swiss maid/Nazi love slave


House Pet
17 ~ roaches
25 ~ stoned-out college roommate
35 ~ Irish setter
48 ~ children from his first marriage
66 ~ Barbi clone


What's The Ideal Age to get Married
17 ~ 25
25 ~ 35
35 ~ 48
48 ~ 66
66 ~ 17


Ideal Date
17 ~ Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 ~ "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 ~ "Just come over."
48 ~ "Just come over and cook."
66 ~ sex in the company jet on the way to the Casino.


Ohh I'm 18 I look like a right tit in all of those. LOL.

lms2
09-21-2004, 10:03 PM
Your computer thread is by far the best shit posted so far! That one is funny.

sambo
09-21-2004, 10:08 PM
Thanks, indeed a good laugh

:cool:

sambo
09-21-2004, 10:23 PM
The Perfect Day

For Her

08:15 Wake-up to hugs and kisses.
08:30 Weigh in 5 pounds lighter than yesterday.
08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo & comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 pounds.
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.
17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror.
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
22:00 Hot shower (alone).
22:30 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.



For Him

06:00 Alarm.
06:15 Get oral sex.
06:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.
07:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Stoli Bloody Mary en-route to airport.
08:15 Private G4 jet to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, Sports Illustrated and Wall Street Journal).
09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
09:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under).
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Get oral sex.
12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under).
14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini).
14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew.
16:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
17:00 G4 back home, massage & hand job en-route by naked Elle McPherson.
18:45 Poop, shower and shave.
19:00 Quick viewing of Sports Channel showing Stanley Cup finals
19:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak.
21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar.
21:30 Sex with three women.
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
23:45 Bed (alone).
23:50 12 second, 4-octave, dog-leaves-the-room flatulence expelation.
23:55 Giggle oneself to sleep.

Figs
09-21-2004, 10:49 PM
Originally posted by lms2
I was thinking more along the lines of...

I knew my wife was the woman for me when I showed up an hour late for our first date and she smiled sweetly and asked me the final score...

I knew my wife was the one for me when I asked her where she would like me to take her for dinner, and she pointed towards the bedroom... ;)

I knew my wife was the one for me when I offered to take her shopping on Sunday afternoon, and she drove me to the music supply (autoparts?) store...

*****idea for next thread, can army women teach army men how to romantical?*****


real life ain't no movie...

lms2
09-21-2004, 11:04 PM
but movies are such fun... :D

lms2
09-27-2004, 10:24 PM
A Woman's Thoughts On Life






Your secrets are safe with me, and all my friends.


I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.


If I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.


My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.


I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it.


This isn't clutter, these are my antiques!


If you don't like my attitude, call: 1-800-Who-Cares.


Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!


"Genuine Antique Person," Been there, done that, can't remember!


Our policy is to always blame the computer.


I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.


Take my advice, I'm not using it!


Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?


You know you are getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.


Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.


I love to give homemade gifts ... umm, which one of the kids would you like?


I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!


By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!


This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.


Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.

lms2
09-27-2004, 10:27 PM
When I'm an Old Lady






When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness ... just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

I'll write on the walls with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture. ?wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry... I'll run ... if I'm able!
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud until the end of the day!
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"