Ally_Kat
09-27-2004, 02:02 AM
"The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond. The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think."
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me!"
"to the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand."
"A District Line train To Parsons Green the driver said over the intercom (whispering) This train is for Parsons Green calling at all the f***ing STATIONS to Parsons Green"
"I AM VERY SORRY FOR MY LANGUAGE I HAVE BEEN SACKED YOU WILL HAVE ANOTHER DRIVER AT FULHAM BROADWAY!!!!!!"
"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"
"Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"
'Please let the passengers off the train first' request. He repeated this request about four or five times becoming more audibly frustrated each time with the customers obvious reluctance to do so. After his final exasperated and rather shrill 'let the passengers off the train FIRST!' He gave up... 'Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.'
'We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in the door'. Unbelievable!
"Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."
"I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgeware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."
"Could the guy who has decided to defecate at the end of Platform Two, now please be aware that all the rest of the passengers waiting for their trains know you are there and you will have to walk past them to leave the station. There is no other means of escape. "
At Whitechapel on a H&C train: (Stuck at Whitechapel for 10 mins...) "Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but 'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the driver..."
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?...... The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off "Hi, my names Gary how do you do?"
"Please use all available doors, there are some really good ones at the front of the train!"
"This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about things like that"
"London Underground would like to remind everyone that buggering is not allowed at any Underground station!"
"He asked the passengers for the second time to 'mind the doors' (and the gap!) and then added 'Yes you, the woman in the long brown coat, love. I suggest you should shave your legs in future, it'll stop the hairs getting caught in the doors. Look at her everyone! Mingin!'. (PAUSE) Anyway, have a safe journey please, mind the doors, the doors are closing.'
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...."
"I apologise for the delay, caused by trying to fit too many trains onto too little track."
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
"Due to an overpowering smell of sewage, this train will NOT be stopping at Highgate. I repeat, this train will NOT stop at Highgate". then, a minute later, "Ladies and gentlemen...this train IS stopping at Highgate, and of course I'm the last to know"
"Ladies and gentlemen, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train and not a bin on wheels."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"I am sorry about the delay. Apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly. In bits."
"On a journey from Central London to Arsenal for an important mid week Champions League game the driver made the following announcement: 'The next stop is Arsenal, For those of you that wish to see Tony Adams standing around for 90 minutes with his arm in the air please get off here. Not my cup of tea but there you go!'
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl 'step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gennelmun...unfortunately towels are not provided'.
"On the Northern Line, when a teenager had pretended to jump in front of the train, the driver announced: 'you should have done it mate, it might have knocked some sense into you'.
"This is a TRAIN, get ON IT, go HOME, see you Monday."
"Would the person with the black bag please put it in, I don't get it what is it with you people? You have a big bag and you have to accommodate for that on the train, you can't leave it hanging out of the doors. It's hot, I wanna get home, you wanna get home, so let's all co-operate, keep our hands,legs and bags inside the train and we can get home quickly, OK?"
"To the person skateboarding down the southbound platform of the Northen Line - I suggest that you stop. There are approximately 640 volts going through the line beneath you, and if you care to fall off the skateboard you will find out!"
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
"Please mind the gap when leaving the train. If you're not leaving the train, there's no need to mind the gap. It's all right, you're safe."
"To the hilarious gentleman who just showed me his bum, can I suggest that you join a gym or go on a diet before waving it around in future!"
"When the gentleman on platform four has finished his phone conversation, would he kindly tell us how he gets mobile phone service down here when the rest of us can't? Thank you."
"Would the lady going down the escalator please lower her umbrella, it doesn't rain underground."
"I apologise for the delays to your service this evening. This is due to..... well, it's just a crap service isn't it?"
"Yes, that's right people - this IS the last tube of the day. There will be no more trains. Everybody pile on. There won't be another in 5 minutes! Keep pushing and you might make it!"
"When you're leaving the train, ensure you elbow your way out so that you get to the escalator before anyone else does....that was irony by the way"
" That's right - kill for seats. You've only been sitting down all day after all"
"I'm not an axe-murdering, baby eating lunatic who's going to drive this train off a precipice, you know. A smile would be nice."
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me!"
"to the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand."
"A District Line train To Parsons Green the driver said over the intercom (whispering) This train is for Parsons Green calling at all the f***ing STATIONS to Parsons Green"
"I AM VERY SORRY FOR MY LANGUAGE I HAVE BEEN SACKED YOU WILL HAVE ANOTHER DRIVER AT FULHAM BROADWAY!!!!!!"
"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"
"Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"
'Please let the passengers off the train first' request. He repeated this request about four or five times becoming more audibly frustrated each time with the customers obvious reluctance to do so. After his final exasperated and rather shrill 'let the passengers off the train FIRST!' He gave up... 'Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.'
'We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in the door'. Unbelievable!
"Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."
"I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgeware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."
"Could the guy who has decided to defecate at the end of Platform Two, now please be aware that all the rest of the passengers waiting for their trains know you are there and you will have to walk past them to leave the station. There is no other means of escape. "
At Whitechapel on a H&C train: (Stuck at Whitechapel for 10 mins...) "Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but 'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the driver..."
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?...... The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off "Hi, my names Gary how do you do?"
"Please use all available doors, there are some really good ones at the front of the train!"
"This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about things like that"
"London Underground would like to remind everyone that buggering is not allowed at any Underground station!"
"He asked the passengers for the second time to 'mind the doors' (and the gap!) and then added 'Yes you, the woman in the long brown coat, love. I suggest you should shave your legs in future, it'll stop the hairs getting caught in the doors. Look at her everyone! Mingin!'. (PAUSE) Anyway, have a safe journey please, mind the doors, the doors are closing.'
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...."
"I apologise for the delay, caused by trying to fit too many trains onto too little track."
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
"Due to an overpowering smell of sewage, this train will NOT be stopping at Highgate. I repeat, this train will NOT stop at Highgate". then, a minute later, "Ladies and gentlemen...this train IS stopping at Highgate, and of course I'm the last to know"
"Ladies and gentlemen, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train and not a bin on wheels."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"I am sorry about the delay. Apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly. In bits."
"On a journey from Central London to Arsenal for an important mid week Champions League game the driver made the following announcement: 'The next stop is Arsenal, For those of you that wish to see Tony Adams standing around for 90 minutes with his arm in the air please get off here. Not my cup of tea but there you go!'
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl 'step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gennelmun...unfortunately towels are not provided'.
"On the Northern Line, when a teenager had pretended to jump in front of the train, the driver announced: 'you should have done it mate, it might have knocked some sense into you'.
"This is a TRAIN, get ON IT, go HOME, see you Monday."
"Would the person with the black bag please put it in, I don't get it what is it with you people? You have a big bag and you have to accommodate for that on the train, you can't leave it hanging out of the doors. It's hot, I wanna get home, you wanna get home, so let's all co-operate, keep our hands,legs and bags inside the train and we can get home quickly, OK?"
"To the person skateboarding down the southbound platform of the Northen Line - I suggest that you stop. There are approximately 640 volts going through the line beneath you, and if you care to fall off the skateboard you will find out!"
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
"Please mind the gap when leaving the train. If you're not leaving the train, there's no need to mind the gap. It's all right, you're safe."
"To the hilarious gentleman who just showed me his bum, can I suggest that you join a gym or go on a diet before waving it around in future!"
"When the gentleman on platform four has finished his phone conversation, would he kindly tell us how he gets mobile phone service down here when the rest of us can't? Thank you."
"Would the lady going down the escalator please lower her umbrella, it doesn't rain underground."
"I apologise for the delays to your service this evening. This is due to..... well, it's just a crap service isn't it?"
"Yes, that's right people - this IS the last tube of the day. There will be no more trains. Everybody pile on. There won't be another in 5 minutes! Keep pushing and you might make it!"
"When you're leaving the train, ensure you elbow your way out so that you get to the escalator before anyone else does....that was irony by the way"
" That's right - kill for seats. You've only been sitting down all day after all"
"I'm not an axe-murdering, baby eating lunatic who's going to drive this train off a precipice, you know. A smile would be nice."