John Kerry's Resume

[BigBadBrian]

NAME: John Kerry

RESIDENCE: Seven mansions, including one in Washington, D.C., worth multi-millions. I served in Vietnam (four months).

EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement. In my career as a U.S. Senator, I've voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA, and defense bill. I ordered the city of Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. I served in Vietnam (four months).

MILITARY:
I served in Vietnam (four months). I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I served in Vietnam (four months). I then returned to the United States, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I served in Vietnam (four months). I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book ''Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier,'' shows how I truly feel about the military. I served in Vietnam (four months).

COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education(silly-ass law degrees don't count - everyone in politics has one) and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
After college and Vietnam, I ran for the U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience(Teresa says public service as a lawyer doesn't count) except marrying very rich women and running their companies vicariously through them. I served in Vietnam (four months).

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
As a U.S. Senator, I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against their budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. I served in Vietnam (four months).

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make little or no charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million. I served in Vietnam (four months).

I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the United States in places like Asia, Mexico, and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the other jobs out of country. I served in Vietnam (four months).

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts. I served in Vietnam (four months).

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None. However, I served in Vietnam (four months).

PERSONAL: I practice my Catholic faith whenever cameras are present. I ride a Serotta Bike. I love to ski/snowboard. I call my Gulfstream V Jet the ''Flying Squirrel.'' I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the ''Scarmouche.''

I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.

I own several ''Large'' SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large, polluting, inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for our energy problems. I served in Vietnam (four months).

PLEASE CONSIDER MY INEXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

[FORD]

How many times has this stupid shit been posted now?

[Big Train]

How many times has it been proven false?

None...

[FORD]

Hello. My name is George Bush and I'm running for President. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in the following resume.

EDUCATION:

* I entered Yale in 1964 with a SAT of 1206 (Verbal 566, Math 640), 200 points below Yale's average freshman in 1970.

* I graduated Yale in 1968 with a 2.35 GPA

* In the fall of 1970 I was rejected from admission at University of Texas Law School.

* In 1973 I applied to Harvard Business School with a 2.35 GPA. 1973 admission statistics are unavailable, but for an incomplete comparison today's Harvard students average a GPA of 3.5 - no students were accepted with a GPA lower than 2.6.

* I graduated Harvard Business School with an MBA and below-average grades.

CRIMINAL RECORD:

* Two negligent collisions in July and August 1962 in Houston, TX (p20)

* Arrested and charged with disorderly conduct in New Haven, CT in December 1966 (p20) for stealing a christmas tree while drunk

* Convicted of drunk driving on September 4, 1976 in Kennebunkport, Maine.

MILITARY EXPERIENCE:

As a strong supporter of the Vietnam War I did everything in my power to avoid military service, both foreign and domestic:

* In February 1968 I applied to the Texas Air National Guard after scoring the bare minimum of 25th Percentile (p25) for the Officer's Pilot Aptitude Test. With low scores, no other qualifications listed, and a long list of applicants ahead of me nobody is sure how I got into the guard. Ben Barnes offers one explanation, swearing under oath that he called Brig Gen. Jim Rose at the request of my father's friend Sidney Adger, allowing me a privilege I did not otherwise deserve.

* I left the 111th "Champagne Unit" on May 24 1972, requesting a transfer to the Alabama 9921st Air Reserve, a postal unit with no airplanes and no pilots. I did not appear for any service in the 9921st.

* On July 21, 1972, my transfer request to the 9921st was rejected and I was commanded to return back to the 111st in Maxwell, TX. I remained away and did not return to Texas. I refused to submit to a physical exam in August, four months after the Air Force made drug tests mandatory for pilots on April 21, 1972. I was suspended and grounded as a disciplinary measure, ensuring I would never fly again.

* On September 5, 1972, I once again requested a transfer to Alabama, and once again I failed to appear (this time at the 187th). Neither my commanding officer nor Mavanee Bear, my girlfriend at the time claims to have ever seen me in uniform, though I did get a free dental checkup.

* I never met the requirements for honorable discharge, earning only 38 documented points out of a required 50 in 1973-74. I also completed only 36 of 43 required inactive-duty training periods in 1972-73, and 12 of 43 required in 1973-74. Fortunately I "worked something out" and was issued an honorable discharge I did not earn.

* My participation in the National Guard was so low that even by the end of the Vietnam Conflict I had flown only 336 hours, not meeting the minimum standards (500 hours flight experience) for combat duty. Even if I had been called to active duty I would have been unqualified to serve by military regulations.

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE:

* I founded Arbusto Energy in 1979 with money borrowed from family friends including James R Bath, representing Salem Bin Laden. Over the next five years I accepted at least $4.7 million dollars from my father's friends including George Ohrstrom and Russell Reynolds, Jr., returning $1.5 million to investors and taking on $3 million in debt. My company was rescued by a buyout from Spectrum 7 by my successful Yale classmates Mercer Reynolds and William DeWitt Jr. in 1984.

* After the failure of Arbusto I was awarded a position as Chairman and CEO of Spectrum 7. My participation resulted in more failure as the company was driven to the brink of bankruptcy. I was rescued by a buyout from my father's friends Phil Kendrick and Stuart Watson at Harken Oil and Gas in 1985.

* Impressed not by my abilities but by my connections to important people I was rewarded for my failure at Spectrum 7 with a seat on the Board of Directors at Harken Oil and Gas. Harken was a miserable failure during the time I spent there - it posted $23.2 billion in losses. I was investigated by the SEC for selling my shares one week before the loss announcement, and the resulting investigation explicitly did not exonerate me.

* I was the owner of the Texas Rangers, made possible only by my father's friends William DeWitt and Richard E. Rainwater. My participation resulted in incredible success for myself and terrible misfortune for my neighbors. I used eminent domain to take taxpayers' land, paid for it with $4.9 million taxpayer dollars, and then spent $191 million more taxpayer dollars to build myself a stadium. I left the city of Arlington, TX with a $7.5 million debt that I still refuse to pay, even after I sold the Rangers to Thomas Hicks for $250 million (a 2500% profit).



POLITICAL RECORD (DOMESTIC)

* I ran for President in 2000. My campaign was destined to be a miserable failure until I used a whispering campaign of lies in the South Carolina Presidential Primary organized by my chief political strategist, Karl Rove, to destroy genuine war hero and fellow Republican John McCain, claiming he had fathered an illegitimate negro child was emotionally unstable due to his torture as a POW in Vietnam and a possible brainwashed Manchurian Candidate.

* In July 2001 I appointed Harvey Pitt to be the chairman of a "kinder, gentler SEC" to ease regulation of foreign businesses. The results have been the largest and most miserable failures of corporate accountability in modern corporate history: Enron, Worldcom, and now Fannie Mae.

* I am the first President to unconstitutionally restrict my opponents' First Amendment rights by allowing my supporters to remain at the venue while restricting my detractors to "free speech zones," fenced-off areas up to half mile away from the media, the audience, and especially myself.

* I've communicated less with the American people than any other president in the history of televised news, holding only one White House press conference every 3.25 months, compared to my father's 1.6 per month.

* To prevent activist judges from rewriting the constitution to serve an agenda that Congress would never approve, I attempted to rewrite the constitution to serve an agenda they never came close to approving. My campaign for the Federal Marriage Amendment was a miserable failure: it failed to pass either house of congress. In the Senate the cloture call to end debate yielded only 48 votes, not the 67 required to pass the Senate, not the 60 votes required for cloture, not even the 50 votes of a simple majority.

* My 2004 budget set the record for the largest deficit in history: either $477 billion or $521 billion (CBO and OMB numbers, respectively).

* The value of the dollar has collapsed 30% during my term.

* Nearly every major economic indicator has deteriorated since I took office in January 2001. Real GDP growth during my term is the lowest of any presidential term in recent memory. Total non-farm employment has contracted and the unemployment rate has increased. Bankruptcies are up sharply, as is our dependence on foreign capital to finance an exploding current account deficit. All three major stock indexes are lower now than at the time of my inauguration. The percentage of Americans in poverty has increased, real median income has declined, and income inequality has grown.

POLITICAL EXPERIENCE (FOREIGN)

* As president I ignored Clinton's warnings about Al Qaeda, mentioning that organization only once in public statements on national security between January 20, 2001 and September 10, 2001. In the same time period I mentioned Saddam Hussein 104 times and missile defense 101 times.

* On August 6, 2001 I received a briefing titled "Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States" which warned that "the FBI indicates patterns of suspicious activity in the United States consistent with preparations for hijacking." For one month I dealt with numerous other issues until the unfolding of the most successful terrorist attack in US history on September 11, 2001.

* With broad international approval I temporarily disrupted the Taliban government, which has now re-emerged to control much of southern Afghanistan after I abandoned this campaign for Iraq.

* I campaigned strongly for war in Iraq. I claimed that:

o Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction (none have been found).

o Iraq had ties to Al Qaeda (Iraq opposed Al Qaeda and successfully kept their operatives out of the country before September 2001. The strongest claim to support a connection came from Czech intelligence services and is now retracted. The 9/11 commission "did not believe that such a meeting occurred".)

o Iraq would give their weapons of mass destruction to terrorists (A secular Saddam would never give his "ace card" to religious elements he opposed throughout his life and could not control)

o The war would be "self-financing" through oil sales ($200 billion total has been allocated, and $138 billion has already been spent with more to follow).

o The war would end quickly, with troop deployments down to 30,000 troops by Autumn 2003 (March 2004 troop deployment: 114,000 US plus 23,000 Coalition troops in Iraq; 26,000 US and Coalition logistical support troops in Kuwait).

o Americans would be greeted as liberators (Public perception of Americans as liberators dropped from 43% at the time of invasion to 2% after Abu Ghraib).

o By invading I would make it more difficult for terrorists to obtain Weapons of Mass Destruction (The only WMD 'discovered' in Iraq was successfully obtained by terrorists and used against Americans. As a result of the invasion, nuclear equipment and materials in Iraq formerly monitored by the IAEA has disappeared and may have fallen into the hands of terrorists or rogue countries. The results have been overwhelmingly negative for U.S. interests.)

* I punished those who spoke unwelcome truth:

o I sent Joseph Wilson to Africa in February 2002 to investigate claims that Iraq had attempted to purchase uranium, where Wilson determined that those claims were based on forged documents. Despite his report I continued to make public Iraq/Nigeria statements as late as January 2003. When Wilson publicly contradicted me, one of my senior officials exposed the CIA cover of Wilson's wife, Valerie Plame, in an article written by Robert Novak and printed in the New York Times on July 14 2003. No one is sure which senior White House official leaked the order or who was aware, but the fact that I hired James Sharp in June 2004 to represent me as a personal criminal defense attorney is significant when you consider that there is no attorney-client privilege between a president and a White House counsel that allows the counsel to withhold information from a Federal grand jury.

o I fired Lawrence Lindsey as my economics advisor in early December 2002 for claiming that the Iraq War would cost between $100 and $200 billion. ($138 billion has been spent and $200 billion has been budgeted... so far)

o I fired Jay Garner as US Administrator of Iraq in March 2004 for calling for immediate elections instead of allowing American companies to privatize government-owned assets. (American privatization and lack of a legitimate Iraqi government is one of the major reasons for unrest in Iraq.)

o I made US Army Chief of Staff General Eric Shinseki a lame duck in June 2003, defying precedent and announcing his successor 14 months in advance of his retirement after he announced that "several hundred thousand troops would be needed in postwar Iraq".

o I threatened to have Medicare analyst Richard Foster fired if he replied to Congressional requests and reported that the Medicare Prescription Drug Bill would cost $551 billion, $156 billion over the White House's favored estimate of $395 billion.

o After the Iraq Health Ministry released figures showing that US and Coalition forces killed twice as many Iraqis as the Insurgents the Iraqis are supposedly being protected from, I acted decisively by ordering the Iraq Health Ministry to not release any more figures.

* I rewarded those who spoke welcome lies, paying Ahmed Chalabi and the Iraqi National Congress $340,000 per month for their false intelligence gathered about Iraq. Although Chalabi and the INC had been dropped from the CIA payroll in 1996 for being an unreliable source and also dismissed by the DIA (Defense Intelligence Agency) for the same reason, I continued to use Chalabi and the INC to support claims of WMDs in Iraq. Even after their information proved false and no weapons were found I remained so close to Chalabi that he sat with Laura Bush as my "Special Guest" during my September 2003 State of the Union address. I continued to pay the INC regularly until May 2004, when allegations surfaced that Chalabi had passed classified American intelligence to Iran.

* I put tremendous pressure on the CIA to come up with information to support policies that have already been adopted (as determined by the Senate Report of Pre-war Intelligence on Iraq). When the CIA and DIA refused to verify intelligence items I wanted to believe, Donald Rumsfeld and I created the Office of Special Plans. This independent department within the Pentagon was designed to bypass the CIA and feed the discredited and unreliable information I wanted to believe was true back into the intelligence stream in order to support conclusions that the CIA and DIA could not. The OSP took much of the discredited information from Chalabi and the Iraqi National Congress.

* I opposed the creation of the Department of Homeland Security for nine months, before turning around to take credit for its creation.

* I opposed the creation of an independent 9/11 panel. After being forced to accept the commission, I gave it only $12 million in funding to do its work (compared to $50 million combined for Whitewater and the Monica Lewinsky investigation) before turning around to take credit for its creation.

* My war against Al Qaeda has been a miserable failure:

o The International Institute for Strategic Studies' most conservative estimate (May 25, 2004) is that the occupation of Iraq has helped Al Qaeda recruit 18,000 operatives in more than 60 countries.

o The Jaffee Center for Strategic Studies at Tel Aviv University has found that The war in Iraq did not damage international terror groups, but instead distracted the United States from confronting other hotbeds of Islamic militancy and actually "created momentum" for many terrorists. On a strategic level as well as an operational level, the war in Iraq is hurting the war on international terrorism.

o By my State Department's own estimates, world terror attacks are now at their highest level in 20 years, up 36% since 2001.

* I have held 660 prisoners in Guantanamo, Cuba for over two years without trial or formal charge. My prisoners, several of whom were between the ages of 13 and 16, have never been formally charged. They are kept in steel cages, subjected to ongoing torture, and denied access to legal counsel in opposition to Supreme Court rulings (Rasul v. Bush). These prisoners are "the worst of the worst", "hard core, well trained terrorists" and their guilt is beyond doubt, which is why I've set 87 of them free without explanation or apology.

* In the past year I claim to have trained 100,000 Iraqi police forces, but only 8,169 of those have passed the required 8-week training course. Another 46,176 are listed as "untrained".

* My Secretary of Defense is the first in US history to have acknowledged ordering an intentional violation of the Geneva Conventions, in which Abu Ghraib prisoners were held "off the books" and hidden from the Red Cross. When this order was made public I refused to discipline him in any way, instead complimenting him on his job performance.

* After being informed of abuses at Abu Ghraib on January 16 (first reported on January 13) which included "Threatening male detainees with rape" and "Sodomizing a detainee with a chemical light and perhaps a broom stick" I made "freedom from torture chambers and rape rooms" a centerpiece in my speeches until April 29 when the story finally broke on 60 Minutes II.

* My administration is the first since the Civil War to imprison US Citizens (Jose Padilla) as "enemy combatants" without charges, trial, or access to legal counsel. In a 5-4 decision (Rumsfeld v. Padilla) the Supreme Court dodged the opportunity to rule on the legality, ruling that the case had been improperly filed.

* My administration broke new legal ground by using material witness warrants to give effective life sentences to US citizens without charge, trial, access to legal counsel, or even plans to prosecute.

* My justice department was the first in US history to attempt to enforce federal regulations while refusing to disclose what those regulations are.

* My legal war against terror has been a miserable failure: I have detained more than 5,000 people on suspicion of terrorist ties, some of whom have been held without charge or without access to a lawyer. I have successfully convicted zero.

[Big Train]

Coversely, most of the previous post has been proven false or distorted.

[Warham]

I wonder how many of our illustrious posters here who call Bush an idiot had an SAT score in excess of 1200. A show of hands please?
And after you show that, please detail the Ivy League schools you attended, and the degrees earned.

[Warham]

'As president I ignored Clinton's warnings about Al Qaeda, mentioning that organization only once in public statements on national security between January 20, 2001 and September 10, 2001. In the same time period I mentioned Saddam Hussein 104 times and missile defense 101 times.'

If that's the case, then why didn't Clinton bag him? He had at LEAST three opportunities to bring in the terrorist and declined on every one.

Too busy with Ms. Lewinsky under the desk?

[BigBadBrian]

Originally posted by FORD
Hello. My name is George Bush and I'm running for President. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth.....


Source?

[Guitar Shark]

Bullshit. I don't believe for a second that Bush managed to score a 1206 on the SAT.

[FORD]

Originally posted by BigBadBrian
Source?

http://monkeydyne.com/bushresume/forward.html

His supporting links and footnotes are quite extensive and unlike other Junior resumes going around, there are no inaccuracies.

Now where did the Kerry Resume come from?;)

[FORD]

Originally posted by Guitar Shark
Bullshit. I don't believe for a second that Bush managed to score a 1206 on the SAT.

Sounds high to me too, but that's the way http://www.usa-presidents.info/gwbush.htm has it listed.

[Warham]

You don't even need to see Kerry's resume. He hasn't done anything noteworthy in the last twenty five years, except for being Mike Dukakis' Lt. Governor in Mass. He'll share Mike's fate in a few days.

[Big Train]

Please, if I had half a day to waste, I could counter all those claims.

[FORD]

Originally posted by Big Train
Please, if I had half a day to waste, I could counter all those claims.

With what?

FAUXian talking points?

[BigBadBrian]

Originally posted by FORD
http://monkeydyne.com/bushresume/forward.html

His supporting links and footnotes are quite extensive and unlike other Junior resumes going around, there are no inaccuracies.

FORD, you dumbass, here's an excerpt from one of the footnoted references from the site you linked above: :D


"The Truth About Bush's Resume"
While surfing Moby’s web site one day (http://www.moby.com), I came across one of Moby’s “journal entries” called “GW Resume”. Moby didn’t write it, but it appears to be something that started on the Internet and spread like wildfire.

“The resume” is a sarcastic stab at the President, purporting to list his “work experience”, “accomplishments”, and “references”. It is obvious that the author isn’t a fan of George W. Bush.

Unfortunately, this person isn’t a fan of the truth, either, because most of the claims made in “the resume” are completely false. For the casual reader, however, the claims seem plausible.




Now where did the Kerry Resume come from?;)

If you weren't so wound up and blinded by partisanship, you would have realized my original post was humor. God knows we could all use a little bit right about now. :gulp:

[Warham]

Kerry's resume is actually 100% true.

[FORD]

Originally posted by BigBadBrian
If you weren't so wound up and blinded by partisanship, you would have realized my original post was humor. God knows we could all use a little bit right about now. :gulp:

OK then....

So are you rooting for the Packers to kick the Redskins ass this Sunday? :D

[Nickdfresh]

Originally posted by Big Train
Coversely, most of the previous post has been proven false or distorted.

It has, huh? By who? The RNC?

[BigBadBrian]

Originally posted by FORD
OK then....

So are you rooting for the Packers to kick the Redskins ass this Sunday? :D


Don't have hope. The Packers Defense sucks this year. Besides, this election has broken all the rules anyway, this game may be no different. :gulp: