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View Full Version : Baseball Announces New Steroids Policy: Steroids To Be Allowed, Encouraged



WARF
01-18-2005, 03:01 PM
NEW YORK - Major League Baseball addressed a growing concern about steroid use in the sport this week, outlining a radical new policy to deal with the issue. "The time has come to get real about steroids," said commissioner Bud Selig during a news conference Thursday. "They're fantastic. They help players get huge and hit lots of home runs. From now on, if you play Major League Baseball, you can use as many steroids as you want."

"I think it's great that baseball has finally decided to do something about steroids," said sports agent Scott Boras, who represents such highly-paid sluggers as Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Magglio Ordonez, Carlos Beltran and Adrian Beltre. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to strip down to my boxers and roll around in this giant pile of money."

The new steroid testing plan calls for the following measures: a first positive steroid test will result in the player being given his own catchphrase by ESPN SportsCenter anchor Stuart Scott; a second positive nets the offending player his own Nike commercial; and, should a player test positive for the third time during one season, he will win an all-expenses paid trip to Barbados with one of Derek Jeter's ex-girlfriends ("one of the ones from when he was a famous ballplayer; not just like from high school or something," states the official rule).

"We want to make it clear," Selig said, "that although we can't force players to take steroids, "there are certain financial and social rewards that are available to them should they decide that's what they want to do."

Players union head Donald Fehr objected to the new steroid policy, however, claiming that it was not strong enough. "I won't rest," Fehr told reporters this weekend, "until steroids in Major League Baseball are one hundred percent mandatory."

"This is really bad for the game," said ESPN baseball analyst Jayson Stark. "I think you're going to see things devolve until a baseball game is nothing but a nine-inning home run derby. Yeah, I know the All-Star Game's home run derby contest is one of the most popular events of the year. That's not -- just take my word for it, okay? Steroids are bad."

"Hopefully we've satisfied as many parties as possible," Selig said. "The players can set about rewriting the record books in a guilt-free manor, and baseball leadership gets what it's clearly been after for years, which is to generate short-term interest in the game among fair-weather fans by showcasing mammoth home runs to the exclusion of the sort of strategy and gamesmanship that makes baseball unique among sports. What could possibly be wrong with that?"

Nickdfresh
01-18-2005, 04:46 PM
The Onion?:D

Va Beach VH Fan
01-18-2005, 08:18 PM
C'mon WARF, don't turn this forum into joke threads...

Closing this one too...