Hilarious Jean-Claude Van Damme's ravings

[Jérôme Frenchise]

The Belgian actor offers great moments of hilarity to French-speaking TV audiences. Every time he gives interviews, he ends up explaining nutty, meaningless matters. What makes him so hilarious is the fact he seems deeply convinced of all his nonsense, repeating that anybody should be "aware" (in English). I'll try to find some interviews and translate them to show them to you, because it's really worth it, if you like a good, good laugh!
Meanwhile, I was wondering if he did the same in the USA. If it's the case, please don't fail telling me! :D

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Here are a few howlers for a start. I chose to write the ENGLISH WORDS AND PHRASES he uses in the middle of French sentences in capital letters. I certify these were his very words.

So, here we go:

- You look inside yourself and you become AWARE OF YOUR OWN BODY!

- "Plants for instance, who have no hands, and no ears, they can feel things, vibrations, they are more AWARE than other SPECIES."

- "A pregnant woman is AWARE as soon as she's expecting a baby."

- "A REPLICANT, when he's born is PHYSICALLY formed like a 40-year-old guy, but his BRAIN must absorb everything that is around, he must see colors, feel how things are, he is AWARE..."

- "Be careful, when I speak about envelope, you see, I ain't talking about the envelope you send by the mail. I'm talking about "the" envelope, you see. The one that wraps around everything. Packs of biscuits, cocaine packages, your mind, etc. No, the envelope is something global. But usually only tied to the SPIRIT. Yes, but you'll tell me that a biscuit has'nt got a SPIRIT, it's just a biscuit. But before, it was milk, eggs. And in eggs, there is potential life... Potential life in a shell, an envelope which, itself, was contained in the hen... I'm afraid so... No, really, all this is but a question of AWARENESS... then even if the biscuit is physically different from a bottle of milk, from a hen, the SPIRIT of the milk and the hen subsists in the biscuit. And you can feel it while you're eating it. And sometimes it's good, sometimes it ain't good. That's why I make films with REPLICANTS. To show that sometimes everything is alike physically (the envelope), but the SPIRIT is TOTALLY different. There's the nice guy, the rotten guy... and all this is me. I'm afraid so! And in addition it's really me! For I am an actor! So when I play a role, there's the character, his REPLICANT and me. Therefore, we are two plus one, and that's me. Therefore one. So when there's a nice guy and a mean guy, there's also me with my temper. When you work it out, you get what I am. So, then you've got to integrate all that in the environments, and then it gets complicated. Because when I'm in my Mercedes, I'm a violent ROADER. Or a DEAD DRUNK DRIVER! But during the making of the films I am a REPLICANT, sometimes. So, when I get back on my Mercedes, I'm not a REPLICANT anymore. You mustn't get wrong, you understand?":confused:

To be continued... A lot mote to come!:D

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Every time he is a host on a TV show, he really is an event by himself. A few years ago, during a debate on whatever topic live on French TV, Van Damme hadn't spoken a single word, when someone mentioned the word "hazelnut". He went out of his mind for 10 seconds and said, like mad:
"A hazelnut, I'll break it between my buns!"

One day, he "declared": "I love peanuts. You'll drink some beer and get fed up with the taste. So, you'll eat peanuts. Peanuts are sweet and salted, hard and tender like a woman. Eating peanuts, It's REALLY A STRONG FEELING. And then, you'll feel like drinking beer again. Peanuts are just perpetual movement for every man.

About half-Belgian children: "When I see a child who is half-Belgian, half-Viet-Cong, and who is my son, you see..., it's..., it's..., it's, my God, what is it?"

About water: "Water is something concrete but not concrete. Because water can feed me, but it can also carry me. Water has magical laws. It can hold cargos on the sea, thousands of tons of steel... Water is something that's got many dimensions."

About drugs: "Drugs, don't mess with it, it's erious... I have messed with it, and I've lost the touch, I had lost the FEELING of life... My BRAIN was head over heels in my head. DRUGS are like when you CLOSE YOUR EYES and cross the street[...]"

About living in the USA: "You know, in America, they'll always ask you: 'How is your family?', 'How are you?', 'Have you cleaned your teeth?' I'm fed up with those questions, I'm fed up with them!"

If you folks enjoy this stuff, there's still more to come!:D

[bueno bob]

I've seen a handful of interviews with him over the years...he really needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut, seriously...the dude has ZERO ability to make his point at all...it's some funny shit, though, dude.

[Jérôme Frenchise]

The guy is like some automatic bullshit generator.
Here are a few more:

- "A cow will eat 10 acres; with 10 acres, I will make 2 thousand kilos of rice... with 10 acres, I will feed a city like Avignon ,you see..."

- "The world is made of arrows and molecules, and electricity, like the Big-bang you see, and the whole of this shapes the Universe."

- "You don't have the same perception of time, depends on the SPECIES, it's what enables me to move my hand between you and me like this, because for oxygen, one second may be 10 seconds, and for concreete, one second may be one thousandth of a second..."

- "I am fascinated by the air. If you withdrew the air from the sky, every bird would fall down to ground... So would planes... Meanwhile, you can't touch air... it exists or it doesn't exist... it feeds man even if he isn't hungry... IT4S MAGIC... The air is beautifuland though you cannot see it, it's soft and you cannot touch it... The air is a bit like my brain..." (Sure!):D

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Jean-Claude and quotations:

"You know, there's Shakespeare who went saying - I think it's Shakespeare : 'A GREAT MAN IS A MAN WHO CAN WAIT for his opportunity, and grab it in that moment, and keep it.'""
Didn't know whether it was Shakespeare or Elton John, I guess...

About dogs:

"I had a very nice childhood, though. I was raised in the countryside, out of Brussels. And I've always grown up amidst dogs. Animals don't talk too much. They "talk" (with some "FEELING"), but they don't have a language for fears of ours. At the moment I've got a dog by my side. I'm stroking him. He's AWARE..."
Beware of the dog. It's "AWARE"!

About show-business:

"Oh, I don't give a fuck about show-business, people, papers... And since there's this: 'Van Damme is a nice chap. He's kind, he's in top shape...' It's FILM BUSINESS, it's a business that's a little UP AND DOWN. One day, you're beautiful, you're vegetarian, you are 'THE MONK', you "are" health... And if one day you ever scratch your buns or put a finger in your nose, they'll say: 'Look, he's on coke!' Do you understand?"

Do YOU understand? Coz if you don't, you're simply not "AWARE"!:dork:

[turboblues]

Are you "aware" that this thread sucks?:D

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Sure, and this is just how I settled it would be, right from the start. I'm not bashing Belgian people, you know. He may have been French or Swiss, it would have been the same. Besides, I'm from Lille, and Belgium is like my second home. I'm fond of Belgian beers, they're simply the only ones that deserve the name of "beers". And "Belgian jokes" suck, in my opinion. Just a silly French custom...;)

[turboblues]

Hey, I don't give a fuck about VanDamme and don't care if he's Belgian! So I wasn't offended! Cheers!

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Originally posted by turboblues
Hey, I don't give a fuck about VanDamme and don't care if he's Belgian! So I wasn't offended! Cheers!

Cheers, mate! I'm having a double-size Ch'ti and I'm drinking to your health! And long live Belgium! Vive la Belgique!:D

[Mulattothrasher]

Hmmm....
.
.
I like his movies, but man, I had no idea he was so "wierd" in interviews and stuff! Hahaha, funny stuff....

[thepunisher]

I saw him selling swords on QVC or something and the dude went off on how the sword is life and how there is energy bla bla bla, they cut him off after it was starting to get too weird.
That cat fried his brain up with coke and steroids.

[thepunisher]

Who's got that dancing vandamme gif? that was funny

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Originally posted by thepunisher
I saw him selling swords on QVC or something and the dude went off on how the sword is life and how there is energy bla bla bla, they cut him off after it was starting to get too weird.
That cat fried his brain up with coke and steroids.

Exactly. Whenever he talks about whatever topic, he ends up in rubbish stuff. Coco and muscle doping have blown his neurones out. But, beyond his nonsense, you'll feel sympathy for him because he's no bad guy at all, he's just definitively lost in his odd world where he can and even HAS TO explain everything after his one "aware" vision...

[flappo]

haha , i thought it was funny

go for it !

[Last_Child]

Cheesus!

Quite funny.

[Igosplut]

I'll see if I can dig up the article about Chuck Zito kicking the shit outta him in the New York strip club "Scores"

The fucker was cowering under a table.......

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Originally posted by Igosplut
I'll see if I can dig up the article about Chuck Zito kicking the shit outta him in the New York strip club "Scores"

The fucker was cowering under a table.......

Thanx a lot in advance! Looking forward to it! The stuff I have is in French, so posting it would be useless. Good news, buddy! Seems we're gonna have a real good time!!:cool:

[Igosplut]

This isn't the article I was looking for, but it's the best description of what happened.

That book that the quote is from is a real good book. I met Doc Holiday in NH one year, He's done a ton of tough man competitons, one tough mutha.....

LINK (http://www.maximonline.com/grit/articles/article_364.html)

These are the words of Sonny Coats, a former doorman at Scores

One celebrity who wishes he’d never shown his fat Belgian face at Scores is Jean-Claude Van Damme. He was checking out the action one night, a few tables away from a guy named Chuck Zito. Zito’s a Hells Angel and a successful actor; he’s on that prison TV show Oz. He’s also a friend of the club. Everything’s cool until Van Damme tells a bouncer nicknamed Frankie Cannoli that “Zito has no heart. He’s a punk,” and Cannoli repeats the crack to Chuck. A few minutes later, when Van Damme pulls his face out of Peaches’ crotch, Chuck is standing right there and simply asks, “Did you call me a punk and say I have no heart?” Van Damme is silent, but he slowly removes his wire-rimmed glasses and slides them into his shirt pocket. If you went to Princeton, taking off your glasses means you just finished reading a book. For street guys, it means you’re ready to rumble. Chuck didn’t wait to see what would happen next: He punched Van Damme in the head so fast that the Muscles from Brussels never saw it coming. Cannoli, myself, and a few other bouncers jumped in and held Chuck back as the Hard Target cowered on the floor. Then I asked Van Damme to leave; he was most obliging.