View Full Version : Star Gunt
Yesterday, WARHAM, BRETT, me and some of the others were posting some lovely Star Wars jokes concerning gunts.
Here are some of mine and a few others, lovingly compiled in this thread. I am very proud.
PETE: (sighing) The Webbies. How am I ever going to explain this?
FLAB: Learn about my gunt, PETE.
PETE: Look, I can take you as far as a single orgasm. You can get a transport then to Florida or wherever we meet.
FLAB: You must do what you feel makes you hard, of course.
FLAB: I find your lack of girth disturbing.
PETE: Enough of this! Gunt, get off me! I can't breathe!
FLAB: As you wish.
PETE: This bickering is pointless. My cock will provide us with the location of your gunt underneath all that fat by the time my erection is operational. You will then crush my spine with one swift stroke.
This one is WARHAM's!:)
[a saggy-hootered creature gives Rikk a rough shove]
Flab: [explaining] He doesn't like you.
Rikk: I'm sorry.
Flab: I don't like you either. You just watch yourself. We're wanted drunks. I have the banned sentence on twelve websites!
Rikk: I'll be careful.
Flab: You'll be IM'ed!
Bueno Bob: [intervening] This popular one's not worth the effort. Now come, let me get you into a mental institution.
[Flab bounces Rikk across the room with her saggy hooters and reveals herself to be a GUNT]
Warham: No GUNTS! No GUNTS!
[In a flash, Flab and it's alien companion Pete are on the floor: a slashed GUNT and a severed hairy-palmed hand respectively.]
FLAB: FLAB GUNT. I'm head patient of the Southern California Internet Mental Ward. My other personality here tells me you're looking for a good time.
PETE: Yes, indeed. If it's a fast cyber with no need to respect you.
FLAB: Fast cyber? You've never heard of the FLABBY GUNT?
PETE: Should I have?
FLAB: I'm the gunt that can make drunk losers that haven't gotten laid in months cumm within twelve seconds! I've outrun Rotharmy Webbies; not the local forum mods, mind you. I'm talking about the big Webbies that give out IP information. I'm fast enough for you and demand no respect, drunk man. What's the baggage?
PETE: Only alcoholism and bad songwriting. Myself, an imaginary boy in my head, two minutes, and no IMs posted later.
FLAB: What is it? Some kind of local trouble?
PETE: Let's just say we'd like to avoid any Webbie entanglements after I was de-modded some months back.
FLAB: Well, that's the trick, isn't it? And it's going to cost you something extra. Smelly gunt, all in your face.
PETE: Smelly gunt? I could get hard by just pulling my cock out and letting it fly in the wind!
FLAB: But who's going to touch it, kid! You?
Another of WARHAM's!:)
GUNT: PETE: Months ago, you served the Roth Army as a moderator; now that you've been demodded and defrocked, I need your help in my struggle against the Army. I regret that I am unable to present this request to you in person since I have been banned; my IP has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to destroy the Army with my Flabby ID has failed. I've placed fraudulent IM's vital to the survival of the rebellion into the memory systems of my Commodore 64. One of my many, many cyber partners will know how to retrieve it. You must see this information safely delivered to those at DDLR and other 3rd rate Roth websites. This is my most flabby hour. Help me, little Pete; you're my only hope.
PETE: Not a bad bit of cybering, huh? You know, sometimes I even amaze myself.
FLAB: That doesn't sound too hard. My gut tickled my clit. It's the only explanation for the ease of my orgasm.
PETE: Easy...you call that easy?
FLAB: Have you seen the size of my gunt compared to your dick?
PETE: Not this dick, sister.
FLAB: Why are you calling me sister?
PETE: I like to think of the women I'm cybering with as my sister.
FLAB: At least the information in my stomach is still intact.
PETE: What's so important? What're you carrying?
FLAB: The entire twinkie production line of 2004 for California and Arizona. I only hope that when I finally take a shit, my heart doesn't explode and I can continue to pleasure you through IMs. It's not over yet!
PETE: It is for me, sister! Look, I ain't in this for your massive stomach, and I'm not in it for your needs. I expect to be well pleasured. I'm in it for your gunt!
FLAB: You needn't worry about my gunt. If a vagina that stinks like aged sweat socks is all that you love, then that's what you'll receive!
(RIKK walks into the room, holding his nose.)
FLAB: (to RIKK) Your friend is quite desperate. I wonder if he really has any standards for gunts...or people.
RIKK: I care! Your gunt smells like my cat's litterbox if someone didn't change it for a week.
(RIKK, shaking his head, sits down. He and PETE stare out at the vast blackness of FLAB's pussy.)
RIKK: So...what do you think of her, PETE?
PETE: I love her!
RIKK: (under his breath) God...
PETE: Still, she's got a lot of stench. I don't know, what do you
think? Do you think a fat divorcee and a guy like me...
RIKK: Yes!
(PETE smiles and logs on...)
This one if my personal favorite. I am truly proud of this one.:)
FLAB: My cunt is heavily shielded with flabby fat and my ass carries a firepower greater than half the U.S. Army. It's defenses are designed around a direct large-scale diet. A small one-inch cock should be able to penetrate the outer defense.
PETE: (Pointing at FLAB's gunt) Pardon me for asking, Lisa, but what good is my tiny one-inch going to be against that?
FLAB: Well, my stomach doesn't consider a small one-inch penis to be any threat, or my stretch marks would provide a tighter defense. An analysis of my gunt provided by Southern California Health Services has demonstrated a further weakness in my anal cavity. The approach will not be easy. You are required to maneuver straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point (points at her gunt). The target area is only two meters wide. It's a gigantic dilhole complete with a clit that has 15,000 men's saliva on it, right below the 13-inch belly button. The shaft leads directly to the largest uterus ever created. A precise hit of whiskey-poisoned cumm will start a chain reaction which should destroy Southern California.
(A murmer of disbelief runs through the room.)
FLAB: Only a one-inch cock will be able to penetrate and set up a chain reaction. The shaft is fat-shielded, so you'll have to put all your out-of-shape weight behind it.
BRETT: That's impossible, even for PETE.
PETE: It's not impossible. I used to bull's-eye my fat sister in my garage back home. Her gunt's not much bigger than two meters.
FLAB: Then man your one-inch! And may your noseplug be with you!
NICK did this one...:)
PETE: I can't do it FAB! I just can't give you an orgasm!
FAB1169: Can't is only a state of mind my young GUNTi apprentice, for you must let go and trust your feelings PETE!
PETE: But I've had too much too drink! My penis is helplessly flaccid! **sigh**
FAB1169: Oh my. For it is like a second belly button as it sits there in all its whiskey dick impotence!
Here let me help you...
PETE: OH! FAB, what are you doing!
FAB1169: Trust your feelings, for the GUNTi have many mystical powers to help you get a stiffy...Trust your feelings PETE.
PETE: FAB! Uh, why are you sticking your finger up my ass?
FAB1169: For in your stinky bung-hole lies your sphincter...Here, I'll shall use my GUNTi powers to engorge you PETE!
PETE: ARRRRGGGGHHHH-OHHHHH!!!
FAB1169: Oh PETE, mount me like your dog does your leg!
PETE: YEOHHHH-ERRR-ARRRAAGGHHHH!
FAB1169: PETE, aim for the spot beneath my GUNT! C'mon PETE. Use your three-inch light sabre!
...PETE, you have taken a step to a larger pussy-whipped GUNTi conciousness!
PETE: ARRGGGHHHH!...
Another of mine.:)
PETE: Well your guntship, looks like you managed to keep me away for a little while longer.
FLAB: (haughtily) I had nothing to do with it. The Surgeon General thinks it's dangerous for any men to go near me until they've activated the energy shield around my mass-sucking black hole of a gunt.
PETE: That's a good story. I think you just can't bear to let a
sad drunk like me out of your sight.
FLAB: How could you be in my sight? I can't see over my gut and you're very short. It's obvious where your high-pitched voice comes from. Anyway, I don't know where you get your cyber drive, whiskey brain.
(MAX, watching PETE and the black hole duke it out, is amused, yet disgusted at the same time; he laughs in his manner, protected by the gas mask given to him by the Webbies. PETE, enjoying himself, regards MAX good-humoredly.)
PETE: Laugh it up, OU812MAX ex-Linker. But you didn't see us alone in her giant ass. She expressed her true feelings for me when she passed gas and released from her fudge-tunnel.
(FLAB is flushed, further angry that GUITAR SHARK and RIKK still expect her to pay the $100, eyes darting between her own gut blocking her face and her double-chin, squished over her nose.)
FLAB: My...! Why, you stuck up,...half-witted,...scruffy-looking...alcoholic...IM-herder!
PETE: Who's alcoholic? (he hiccups and trips on four whiskey bottles laid out in front of his three-foot stature) I must have hit her pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, MAX? Though it's not exactly hard to hit her pretty close to the mark, considering she weighs 750 lbs. and is large enough to keep a shitload of saved IMs from Rotharmy, DDLR, Links and Tormented VH Fans posters in a 500 Gig hard drive in her giant asshole.
FLAB: Why, I guess you don't know everything about gunts yet?
(With that she leans over and kisses MAX on the lips. Then she turns on her heel and slithers out, as MAX runs to the nearest washroom and regurgitates before looking in the mirror and seeing that his mouth is green. He pulls out his handgun, the ownership of which is his constitutional right, and puts a bullet in his brain. PETE is satisfied...no more competition and plenty of gunt for his 75 lbs. to enjoy.)
Another of mine.:)
INTERIOR: BRETT'S HOUSE.
BRETT: MAX...we have a visitor.
(The group hurries over to BRETT's window and hears a sucking sound coming from outside.)
BRETT: We've picked up something gigantic outside the base in zone twelve, moving east. Could be another fat black hole.
NICK: It's fat.
MAX: It could be a poster, one of ours.
NICK: No. Wait -- there's something very weak coming through.
(GUITAR SHARK steps up to the control panel and listens intently to the strange sucking noise.)
GUITAR SHARK: Sir, I am familiar with six million forms of pussy. This sound is not used by humanity as we know it. It could be FLAB's gunt.
(The sucking noise ends as the frightened party put on gasmasks.)
MAX: It isn't friendly, whatever it is. Come on, POOP BOY, let's check it out.
BRETT: Send paramedics armed with horse tranquilizers to station three-eight.
EXTERIOR: SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA -- DAY
(The massive 750 lb. gunt moves past the smoldering ruins of her marriage and down a ridge toward the next music forum she's going to try and destroy. It raises a large pube from the top of its fatty base and begins to send out a piercing signal, fresh secretion from its latest encounter with PETE covering the lawn. The gunt has spotted POOP BOY who, not fifty feet away, is standing right next to her and staring at her over one of her piles of fat. Instantly, the gunt swings around, its deadly vaginal secreters ready to fire. But before it can get a squirt off, it is hit from behind by MAX's Utah shotgun, and explodes in a million giant chunks of fat and gunt. One of those chunks squares MAX and breaks two of his ribs. He falls forward, groaning, "Oh, stupid gunt!" MAX gets up his and peers intently at the smoldering remains of FLABULOUS SHADOW.)
INTERIOR: BRETT'S HOUSE.
(NICK and BRETT listen to MAX on the comlink.)
MAX: (over comlink) Afraid there's not much left.
NICK: (into comlink) What was it?
MAX: (over comlink) Gunt of some kind. Biggest fucking thing I ever saw. Said it was going to New York next to impersonate a 12-year-old, though the way it looked, it looked more likely to impersonate an aircraft carrier.
NICK: (into comlink) A fat hairy gunt.
MAX: (over comlink) It's a good bet Southern California's gonna experience a major earthquake.
BRETT: We'd better start the evacuation.
PETE: Look, I'm sure it's delicious. I just don't understand why I can't skip chowing down on your gunt and just fuck you.
FLAB: Patience! For the strong-stomached, it is time to eat as well. Eat, eat. Hot. Good food, hm? Good, hmm?
(Moving with ease in the gigantic gunt, PETE sits down on a pubic hair and serves himself from a puddle of secretion. Tasting the unfamiliar concoction, he is pleasantly surprised.)
PETE: How far away is the left side of your body? Will it take me long to get there?
FLAB: Very far. Left side very far. Patience. Soon you will be there, 3 miles away. (tasting her own gunt) Syphillus, I have. Why wish you become mod again? Hm?
PETE: Mostly because of RIKK, I guess. I want to prove to him that I'm a better man.
FLAB: Ah, RIKK. Powerful cyber-lover was he, powerful cyber-lover, mmm.
PETE: (a little hurt) Oh, come on. How could you say that about RIKK? You don't even know what I have to offer. (fed up, spits out secretion) Oh, I don't even know what I'm doing here. We're wasting our time.
(The fat creature turns away from PETE and speaks to a third party...its anus.)
FLAB: (irritated) I cannot fuck him. The loser has no patience.
(PETE's head spins in the direction the creature's left cheek faces. But there is no one there...only a giant, gaping vacuum that could suck in a tall building and ask for seconds before defacating a shopping mall. PETE is bewildered, but it gradually dawns on him that his dick is tiny and that he is speaking to his next big chance: FLAB's anus.)
GIANT ANUS: He will learn patience. Bring him to me.
FLAB: (speaking to her own anus) Fuck that. Hmmm. Much anger in him, like the Webbie that canned his pathetic ass.
GIANT ANUS: Was I any different when you first shoved three boy scouts in my cavity?
FLAB: Hah. He is not ready.
PETE: Gunt! I am ready. I...Anus! I can fuck you both and eat out my sloppy seconds. Anus, tell him I'm ready.
FLAB: Ready, are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I stunk worse than a stadium full of rotten manure. My own counsel will I keep on who is to shove a one-inch dick in my dillhole! A loser or cyber-partner must have the deepest commitment, the most deranged mind. (to the massive anus, indicating PETE) This one a long time have I watched, though it was hard seeing this one since this one is only two feet tall and I can't see anything over my gigantic 72nd fold of fat. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Because he was always drunk. One-inch cock fucking. Heh! Gizzing inside a black hole huger than Asia and Europe put together. Heh! A mod craves not these things. (turning to PETE) You are dickless!
(PETE looks down. He knows it is true.)
ANUS: So was I, if you'll remember. I crushed those boyscouts into brown mucus before releasing them from my fudge tunnel.
FLAB: He is too old. Yes, way way way way way way way way way way way way way too old and drunk and stoned to begin the gunt-penetrating. Plus, he'll probably tell me within minutes that he loves me.
PETE: But I haven't had a drink in two hours, just for this!
FLAB: (sighs) Will he finished what he begins? Even with the smell the way it is?
PETE: I won't fail you -- I know it stinks, but I'm not afraid.
FLAB: (turns slowly toward him, looks down, pulls out a gasmask and slowly opens its legs again) Oh, you will be. You will be.
(PETE begins to get dizzy and collapses.)
Sarge's Little Helper
05-25-2005, 02:58 AM
PETE: Look, I'm sure it's delicious. I just don't understand why I can't skip chowing down on your gunt and just fuck you.
FLAB: Patience! For the strong-stomached, it is time to eat as well. Eat, eat. Hot. Good food, hm? Good, hmm?
(Moving with ease in the gigantic gunt, PETE sits down on a pubic hair and serves himself from a puddle of secretion. Tasting the unfamiliar concoction, he is pleasantly surprised.)
PETE: How far away is the left side of your body? Will it take me long to get there?
FLAB: Very far. Left side very far. Patience. Soon you will be there, 3 miles away. (tasting her own gunt) Syphillus, I have. Why wish you become mod again? Hm?
PETE: Mostly because of RIKK, I guess. I want to prove to him that I'm a better man.
FLAB: Ah, RIKK. Powerful cyber-lover was he, powerful cyber-lover, mmm.
PETE: (a little hurt) Oh, come on. How could you say that about RIKK? You don't even know what I have to offer. (fed up, spits out secretion) Oh, I don't even know what I'm doing here. We're wasting our time.
(The fat creature turns away from PETE and speaks to a third party...its anus.)
FLAB: (irritated) I cannot fuck him. The loser has no patience.
(PETE's head spins in the direction the creature's left cheek faces. But there is no one there...only a giant, gaping vacuum that could suck in a tall building and ask for seconds before defacating a shopping mall. PETE is bewildered, but it gradually dawns on him that his dick is tiny and that he is speaking to his next big chance: FLAB's anus.)
GIANT ANUS: He will learn patience. Bring him to me.
FLAB: (speaking to her own anus) Fuck that. Hmmm. Much anger in him, like the Webbie that canned his pathetic ass.
GIANT ANUS: Was I any different when you first shoved three boy scouts in my cavity?
FLAB: Hah. He is not ready.
PETE: Gunt! I am ready. I...Anus! I can fuck you both and eat out my sloppy seconds. Anus, tell him I'm ready.
FLAB: Ready, are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I stunk worse than a stadium full of rotten manure. My own counsel will I keep on who is to shove a one-inch dick in my dillhole! A loser or cyber-partner must have the deepest commitment, the most deranged mind. (to the massive anus, indicating PETE) This one a long time have I watched, though it was hard seeing this one since this one is only two feet tall and I can't see anything over my gigantic 72nd fold of fat. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Because he was always drunk. One-inch cock fucking. Heh! Gizzing inside a black hole huger than Asia and Europe put together. Heh! A mod craves not these things. (turning to PETE) You are dickless!
(PETE looks down. He knows it is true.)
ANUS: So was I, if you'll remember. I crushed those boyscouts into brown mucus before releasing them from my fudge tunnel.
FLAB: He is too old. Yes, way way way way way way way way way way way way way too old and drunk and stoned to begin the gunt-penetrating. Plus, he'll probably tell me within minutes that he loves me.
PETE: But I haven't had a drink in two hours, just for this!
FLAB: (sighs) Will he finished what he begins? Even with the smell the way it is?
PETE: I won't fail you -- I know it stinks, but I'm not afraid.
FLAB: (turns slowly toward him, looks down, pulls out a gasmask and slowly opens its legs again) Oh, you will be. You will be.
(PETE begins to get dizzy and collapses.)
Oops. I wasn't paying attention. Tell me again what is going on.
(PETE rushes to the edge of FLAB's massive and grotesque mass. He concentrates and attempts to get his one-inch to penetrate the sea of flab and oozing sweat and mucus. Suddenly, his dick sinks and lands in FLAB's sea of goo, sinking until only his tiny waste is preventing him from being sucked in.)
PETE: (staring into the ocean of fat) Oh, no. We'll never get it out now.
(FLAB shakes a 4 lb. nipple in irritation.)
FLAB: So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?
(PETE looks uncertainly out at his one-inch cock sinking into the 600 lb. lake of fat.)
PETE: Master, fucking your fat layers and pulling my dick out with the help of a couple of my friends is one thing. This is totally different because there's no one here to help. You are just so fat. If my sister were talking to me still, she'd be pretty ashamed.
FLAB: No! No different! Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned. You must unsmell what you have smelled.
PETE: (focusing, drinking from the bottle of whiskey he had left by his feet) All right, I'll give it a try.
FLAB: No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.
(PETE closes his eyes and concentrates on pulling his cock out of the most massive and smelly gunt in the universe. He uses the force with all his might to pull all 0.07 ounces out of FAB's black hole of puss. Slowly, the penis begins to rise above the quicksand. It hovers for a moment and then slides back, disappearing once again.)
PETE: (panting heavily) I can't. You're too fat.
FLAB: Gunt size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hm? Mmmm.
PETE: Actually, the guys at the Army were saying you're a fat fucking gun...
FLAB: Shut up! You should not. For my ally is the Mandarin seafood buffet. And a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Makes me grow. It's energy surrounds me and binds me and gives me more layers. Luminous being am I...(FLAB pinches PETE's fragile shoulder)...not this crude matter. (a sweeping gesture) You must feel my gunt around you. (gesturing) Here, between you...me...(points quite a distance) my left nipple...(another long distance) my feet...everywhere! Yes, even between this gunt and your cock!
PETE: (discouraged) You want the impossible.
bueno bob
05-25-2005, 12:41 PM
PETE: (Kneeling on a pedestal) "What is Thy bidding, my Guntress?"
FLAB: "There is a great disturbance in my Gunt."
PETE: "I have felt it."
FLAB: "We have a new enemy - Rikk and his friends."
PETE: "Yes, my Guntress."
FLAB: "They could ban us."
PETE: "We have his IM's. The Army will no longer support them."
FLAB: "The Force is strong with my Gunt. The Roth Army Forums must fear the power of my Gunt."
PETE: "If we could edit the IMs, the Roth Army would become a powerful ally."
FLAB: "Yes. Yes. My Gunt would be a great asset. Can it be done?"
FLAB: "We will edit or be banned, my Guntress."
bueno bob
05-25-2005, 12:56 PM
PETE: "Look, I'm sure your Gunt is delicious. I just don't understand why we can't cyber now."
FLAB: "Patience! For Flab, it is time to eat Gunt as well. Eat, eat.
Hot. Good Gunt, hmm? Good, hmm?"
PETE: "How far away is your Gunt? Will it take us long to get there?"
FLAB: "Not far. My Gunt not far. Patience. Soon you will be with it.
Rootgunt, I cook. Why wish you alcohol? Hmm?"
PETE: "Mostly because of my sister, I guess."
FLAB: "Ah, your sister. Powerful Gunt was she, powerful Gunt, mmm."
PETE: "Oh, come on. How could you know my sister? You don't even know how much I wanna love you! Oh, I don't even know what I'm doing here. We're wasting our time when we should be at the bar!"
FLAB: "I cannot teach him to properly lick my Gunt. The boy has no patience."
BOB'S VOICE: "He will learn patience."
FLAB: "Hmmm. Much anger in him, like his sister."
BOB'S VOICE: "Was his mother any different when she saw your Gunt?"
FLAB: "Hah. He is not ready."
PETE: "Fab! I am ready. I...Bueno! I can lick the Gunt! Bob, tell her I'm ready."
FLAB: "Ready, are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I trained people to nurture my Gunt. My own counsel will I keep on who is to be trained! An alcoholic must have the deepest commitment, the most unserious mind. This one a long time
have I watched. Never his mind on sobriety. Hmm? Keeping himself there. Hmph. Attention whoring. Heh! Argument starting. Heh! A Gunt Disciple craves these things! You are reckless!"
BOBS VOICE: "So was Pete's sister, if you'll remember."
FLAB: "He is too old. Yes, too old to begin the training to worship my Gunt."
PETE: "But I've learned so much about your Gunt."
FLAB: "Will he finished what he begins with my Gunt?"
PETE: "I won't fail you -- I'm not afraid of your Gunt!"
FLAB: "Oh! You will be. You will be..."
Fookin' ace!:D Of course, you just redid one of the ones I did, but brilliant nonetheless. And the first was also hilarious!!:p
MORE!! I'll be gone for most of the day, but more!!:p
bueno bob
05-25-2005, 01:32 PM
Originally posted by Rikk
Of course, you just redid one of the ones I did, but brilliant nonetheless.
Apologies :) But it was just too good to pass up...
More coming...
bueno bob
05-25-2005, 01:54 PM
FLAB: "Welcome, young Rikk. My Gunts been expecting you."
Rikk peers at the massive figure defiantly. The Guntress then looks down at Rikk's binders.
FLAB: "You no longer need those."
The Guntress motions ever so slightly with her emormous finger and Rikk's binders fall away, clattering to the floor. Rikk looks down at
his own hands, free now to reach out and grab the Guntress's neck. He does nothing.
FLAB: "Guards, leave us."
The red-cloaked guards turn and disappear behind the elevator.
FLAB: "I'm looking forward to completing your training in the ways of the Gunt. In time you will call me Guntress."
RIKK: "You're gravely mistaken. You won't convert me as you did Pete."
The Guntress gets down from his throne and walks up very close to
Rikk. The Guntress looks into his eyes and, for the first time, Rikk can perceive the evil visage within the hood.
FLAB: "Oh, no, my young Sheep Pen Administrator. You will find that it
is you who are mistaken...about a great many things. But mostly about my Gunt."
PETE: "His Pensaber."
Pete extends a gloved hand toward the Guntress, revealing Rikk's
Pensaber. The Guntress takes it.
FLAB: "Ah, yes, a Sheep Pen Administrator's weapon. Much like Bueno Bob's. By now you must know that Pete can never be turned from the Gunt side. So will it be with you."
RIKK: "You're wrong. Soon I'll be BANNED...and you with me."
The Guntress laughs.
FLAB: "Perhaps you refer to the imminent attack of your Sheep Pen Staff."
Rikk looks up sharply.
FLAB: "Yes...I assure you my Gunt is quite safe from your friends here."
Pete looks at Rikk.
RIKK: "Your overconfidence in your Gunt is your weakness."
FLAB: "Your faith in your Sheep Pen is yours."
PETE: "It is pointless to resist her Gunt, Rikk."
The Guntress turns to face Rikk.
FLAB: "Everything that has transpired with my Gunt has done according to my design. Your friends up there in the Sheep Pen..."
Rikk reacts. The Guntress notes it.
FLAB: "...are walking into a trap. As is your Death Squad of Merle, Ed,
Carl and the Doc! It was I who allowed the ENTIRE INTERNET to know the location of my Gunt. It is quite safe from your pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best crabs awaits them."
Rikk's look darts from the Guntress to Pete and, finally, to the
Sheep Pen Correctional Tool in the Guntress's hand.
FLAB: "Oh...I'm afraid my Gunt's deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive."
.................................................. .....
OH, THE HUMANITY!! WHATEVER WILL RIKK DO? WILL HE GIVE IN TO HIS BASEST URGES AND STRIKE THE FABULOUS GUNTRESS DOWN IN A FIT OF RAGE? WILL THE SHEEP PEN BE DOOMED??? FIND OUT SOON!!!
Warham
05-25-2005, 03:10 PM
RIKK: FLAB, I should have expected to find you holding PETE's leash. I recognized your GUNT's foul stench when I was brought on board.
FLAB: Charming to the last. You don't know how hard I found it, signing the order to edit your IM's.
RIKK: I'm not suprised you were deranged enough to do it.
FLAB: RIKK, before you are exposed to the Army, you will join me at a cyber sex ceremony that will make this GUNT fully operational. No Sheep Pen admin will dare oppose me now.
RIKK: The more you try to stick that smelly GUNT in their face, FLAB, the more Sheep Pen admins will pinch their nostrils with their fingers.
You guys are killing me!!!
LMAO!!!
More! More!
Warham
05-25-2005, 04:59 PM
A few hours ago on a forum dedicated to a legendary frontman...
::cue John Williams score::
It is a period of Roth Army war. Fraudulent IM's, striking from a suspicious IP, have been posted against the cunning Sheep Pen Leader RIKK. During the battle, Roth Army mods managed to discover the real leader behind the attack, FLAB, a sprawling mass of flesh with enough pussy stank to destroy an entire planet. PETE, FLAB's drunk agent, races home to log in, hopeful to score some cyber from the gunt and chug down a 40 ouncer...
tjvhou812
05-25-2005, 05:07 PM
pete: the gunt is shooting out pounds of sperm a second
i cant swallow no more
bueno bob
05-25-2005, 05:20 PM
FLAB: "Come, boy. See my Gunt for yourself."
The Guntress is sitting in her throne, with Pete standing at her side. Rikk moves to look through a small section of the window.
FLAB: "From here you will witness the final destruction of the Sheep Pen, and the end of your insignificant Roth Army Forums!"
Rikk is in torment. He glances at his Pensaber sitting on the armrest of the throne. The Guntress watches him and smiles, touches the Pensaber.
FLAB: "You want this, don't you? The hate is swelling in my Gunt now. Take your Sheep Pen weapon. Use it. I am unarmed, except for my Gunt. Put it inside of me! Give in to your anger. With each passing
moment, you make yourself more my Gunt's servant!"
Pete watches Rikk in his agony.
RIKK: "No!"
FLAB: "My Gunt is unavoidable. My Gunt is your destiny. You, like Pete,
are now mine!"
FLAB: "Your Sheep Pen has lost. And your friends on the Roth Army Forums will not get me banned. There is no escape from my Gunt, my young Rikk. The Army will fail...as will your friends."
Rikk's eyes are full of rage. Pete watches him.
FLAB: "Good. I can feel your anger towards my Gunt. I am defenseless, except for my Gunt. Take your Sheep Pen weapon! Strike my Gunt down with all your hatred, and your journey towards the Gunt side will be complete!"
Rikk can resist no longer. The Pensaber flies into his hand. He ignites it in an instant and swings at the Guntress. Pete's Fagsaber flashes into view, blocking Rikk's blow before it can reach the Guntress. The two blades spark at contact. Rikk turns to fight the Guntress' lover.
.................................................. ...................
To be concluded...
bueno bob
05-25-2005, 05:51 PM
Rikk and Pete are engaged in a man-to-man duel of sabers (God, that sounds gross). But the young Rikk has grown strong, and now the advantage shifts to him. Pete is forced back, losing his balance, and is knocked down the stairs. Rikk stands at the top of the stairs, ready to attack.
FLAB: "Good! Use your Guntlike feelings, boy! Let the Gunt flow through you!"
Rikk looks momentarily toward the Guntress, then back to Pete, and realizes he is using the Gunt side. He steps back, turns off his Pensaber, and relaxes, driving the Gunt from his being.
PETE: "Bueno Bob has taught you well."
RIKK: "I will not fight you, Pete. I will kick your ass later, of course, but for now, my battle is against Flab, but I must not use the Gunt side to defeat her."
Pete walks back up the stairs to Rikk.
PETE: "You are unwise to lower your defenses! And not bring me booze!"
Pete attacks, forcing Rikk on the defensive. The young Rikk leaps in an amazing reverse flip up to the safety of the catwalk overhead. Pete stands below him.
RIKK: "Your thoughts betray you, Pete. I smell the booze upon you...the smell of your sister's gunt, too."
PETE: "There is no sister's gunt!"
RIKK: "You couldn't bring yourself to stay sober before, and I don't believe you'll stay sober now."
PETE: "You underestimate the power of cybering with Fab. If you will not enjoy her gunt, then you will meet your destiny!"
Pete throws the Guntsaber and it cuts through the supports holding the catwalk, then returns to Pete's hand. Rikk tumbles to the ground in a shower of sparks and rolls out of sight under the Guntresses platform. Pete moves to find him.
FLAB: "Good. Good."
PETE: "You cannot post forever, Rikk."
RIKK: "I will not drink with you!"
PETE: "Give yourself to the Gunt side. It is the only way you can save your Sheep Pen. Yes, your thoughts betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for..."
Pete stops and senses something. Rikk shuts his eyes tightly, in anguish.
PETE: "Nirvana? What the fuck? Well, your feelings have now betrayed them, too. Bueno Bob was wise to hide this from me. Now his failure is complete."
Bueno Bob pops out from behind a wall with a keyboard in his hand and types this: FUCK YOU, PETE!
PETE: "If you will not turn to the Gunt side, then perhaps they will!"
RIKK: "Never-r-r!"
Rikk ignites his Pensaber and screams in anger, rushing at Pete with a frenzy. Sparks fly as Rikk and Pete fight in the cramped area. Rikk's hatred forces Pete to retreat out of the low area and across a bridge overlooking a vast elevator shaft. Each stroke of Rikk's sword drives Pete further toward defeat.
Pete is knocked to his knees, and as he raises his sword to block another onslaught, Rikk slashes Pete's right hand off at the wrist. Pete's Fagsaber clatters uselessly away, over the edge of the platform and into the bottomless shaft below. Rikk moves over Pete and holds the blade of his sword to Pete's throat. The Guntress watches with uncontrollable, pleased agitation.
FLAB: "Good! My Gunt has made you powerful! Now, fulfill your destiny and take Pete's cyber-place at your computer!"
RIKK: "Never. I'll never turn to the Gunt side. You've failed, Your Bitch-ness. I am a Sheep Pen Administrator, like Guwapo Rocker at about the same time as me."
The Guntresses glee turns to rage.
FLAB: "So be it...Sheep Pen Administrator."
FLAB: "If you will not hail my Gunt, you will be destroyed!"
Blinding bolts of energy, evil lightning, shoot from the Guntresses Gunt at Rikk. Rikk, not surprised at all, deflects them with the power of his Pensaber.
FLAB: "You're supposed to throw that away!!"
RIKK: "I'm smarter than that other guy."
The wounded Pete struggles to his feet, and moves to stand at his Gunt Mistresses side.
FLAB: "Fool!! Now, at the end, you were supposed to understand!"
RIKK: "Guess it didn't work out quite the way your Gunt planned it would, hmm?"
FLAB: "Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Gunt side. You will pay the price for your lack of vision and be BANNED!!!"
RIKK: "Pete, please. Go cyber with this bitch or something."
Again Pete stands, watching Rikk. He looks at his mistress, the
Guntress, then back to Rikk on the floor.
FLAB: "Now, young Administrator...you will worship my Gunt!!"
Pete grabs the Guntress from behind, fighting for control of the
robed figure despite his weakened body and gravely weakened arm. The Guntress struggles in his embrace, her bolt-shooting Gunt now lifted high, away from Rikk. Now the white lightning arcs back to strike at Pete. He stumbles with his load as the sparks rain off. He holds his evil mistress high over his head and walks to the edge of the abyss at the central core of the throne room. With one final burst, Pete hurls
the Guntresses body into the bottomless shaft. As she falls, she screams "I have an IP scrambler and I'll never cyber with you again, Pete!!"
Rikk walks over to the collapsed form of Pete.
RIKK: "Pete! I always knew you could break the power of the Gunt Side! Your good side allowed you to ban the bitch!"
PETE: "Actually, years of alcohol abuse have wrecked my vision - I thought I was throwing YOU down the shaft of BANNING."
Rikk considers this, and suddenly kicks Pete in the head, and Pete falls down into the pit of BANNED as well!
THE FUCKIN' END!
Sarge's Little Helper
05-25-2005, 05:51 PM
Rikk and Pete are engaged in a man-to-man duel of sabers (God, that sounds gross). But the young Rikk has grown strong, and now the advantage shifts to him. Pete is forced back, losing his balance, and is knocked down the stairs. Rikk stands at the top of the stairs, ready to attack.
FLAB: "Good! Use your Guntlike feelings, boy! Let the Gunt flow through you!"
Rikk looks momentarily toward the Guntress, then back to Pete, and realizes he is using the Gunt side. He steps back, turns off his Pensaber, and relaxes, driving the Gunt from his being.
PETE: "Bueno Bob has taught you well."
RIKK: "I will not fight you, Pete. I will kick your ass later, of course, but for now, my battle is against Flab, but I must not use the Gunt side to defeat her."
Pete walks back up the stairs to Rikk.
PETE: "You are unwise to lower your defenses! And not bring me booze!"
Pete attacks, forcing Rikk on the defensive. The young Rikk leaps in an amazing reverse flip up to the safety of the catwalk overhead. Pete stands below him.
RIKK: "Your thoughts betray you, Pete. I smell the booze upon you...the smell of your sister's gunt, too."
PETE: "There is no sister's gunt!"
RIKK: "You couldn't bring yourself to stay sober before, and I don't believe you'll stay sober now."
PETE: "You underestimate the power of cybering with Fab. If you will not enjoy her gunt, then you will meet your destiny!"
Pete throws the Guntsaber and it cuts through the supports holding the catwalk, then returns to Pete's hand. Rikk tumbles to the ground in a shower of sparks and rolls out of sight under the Guntresses platform. Pete moves to find him.
FLAB: "Good. Good."
PETE: "You cannot post forever, Rikk."
RIKK: "I will not drink with you!"
PETE: "Give yourself to the Gunt side. It is the only way you can save your Sheep Pen. Yes, your thoughts betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for..."
Pete stops and senses something. Rikk shuts his eyes tightly, in anguish.
PETE: "Nirvana? What the fuck? Well, your feelings have now betrayed them, too. Bueno Bob was wise to hide this from me. Now his failure is complete."
Bueno Bob pops out from behind a wall with a keyboard in his hand and types this: FUCK YOU, PETE!
PETE: "If you will not turn to the Gunt side, then perhaps they will!"
RIKK: "Never-r-r!"
Rikk ignites his Pensaber and screams in anger, rushing at Pete with a frenzy. Sparks fly as Rikk and Pete fight in the cramped area. Rikk's hatred forces Pete to retreat out of the low area and across a bridge overlooking a vast elevator shaft. Each stroke of Rikk's sword drives Pete further toward defeat.
Pete is knocked to his knees, and as he raises his sword to block another onslaught, Rikk slashes Pete's right hand off at the wrist. Pete's Fagsaber clatters uselessly away, over the edge of the platform and into the bottomless shaft below. Rikk moves over Pete and holds the blade of his sword to Pete's throat. The Guntress watches with uncontrollable, pleased agitation.
FLAB: "Good! My Gunt has made you powerful! Now, fulfill your destiny and take Pete's cyber-place at your computer!"
RIKK: "Never. I'll never turn to the Gunt side. You've failed, Your Bitch-ness. I am a Sheep Pen Administrator, like Guwapo Rocker at about the same time as me."
The Guntresses glee turns to rage.
FLAB: "So be it...Sheep Pen Administrator."
FLAB: "If you will not hail my Gunt, you will be destroyed!"
Blinding bolts of energy, evil lightning, shoot from the Guntresses Gunt at Rikk. Rikk, not surprised at all, deflects them with the power of his Pensaber.
FLAB: "You're supposed to throw that away!!"
RIKK: "I'm smarter than that other guy."
The wounded Pete struggles to his feet, and moves to stand at his Gunt Mistresses side.
FLAB: "Fool!! Now, at the end, you were supposed to understand!"
RIKK: "Guess it didn't work out quite the way your Gunt planned it would, hmm?"
FLAB: "Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Gunt side. You will pay the price for your lack of vision and be BANNED!!!"
RIKK: "Pete, please. Go cyber with this bitch or something."
Again Pete stands, watching Rikk. He looks at his mistress, the
Guntress, then back to Rikk on the floor.
FLAB: "Now, young Administrator...you will worship my Gunt!!"
Pete grabs the Guntress from behind, fighting for control of the
robed figure despite his weakened body and gravely weakened arm. The Guntress struggles in his embrace, her bolt-shooting Gunt now lifted high, away from Rikk. Now the white lightning arcs back to strike at Pete. He stumbles with his load as the sparks rain off. He holds his evil mistress high over his head and walks to the edge of the abyss at the central core of the throne room. With one final burst, Pete hurls
the Guntresses body into the bottomless shaft. As she falls, she screams "I have an IP scrambler and I'll never cyber with you again, Pete!!"
Rikk walks over to the collapsed form of Pete.
RIKK: "Pete! I always knew you could break the power of the Gunt Side! Your good side allowed you to ban the bitch!"
PETE: "Actually, years of alcohol abuse have wrecked my vision - I thought I was throwing YOU down the shaft of BANNING."
Rikk considers this, and suddenly kicks Pete in the head, and Pete falls down into the pit of BANNED as well!
THE FUCKIN' END!
Oops. I wasn't paying attention. Tell me again what is going on.
FasterPussycat
05-25-2005, 08:04 PM
Hello, sarge's little helper!
bueno bob
05-25-2005, 08:43 PM
Originally posted by FasterPussycat
Hello, sarge's little helper!
Hello, Gunt!
Are you ready to fuck off yet?
Originally posted by Warham
RIKK: FLAB, I should have expected to find you holding PETE's leash. I recognized your GUNT's foul stench when I was brought on board.
FLAB: Charming to the last. You don't know how hard I found it, signing the order to edit your IM's.
RIKK: I'm not suprised you were deranged enough to do it.
FLAB: RIKK, before you are exposed to the Army, you will join me at a cyber sex ceremony that will make this GUNT fully operational. No Sheep Pen admin will dare oppose me now.
RIKK: The more you try to stick that smelly GUNT in their face, FLAB, the more Sheep Pen admins will pinch their nostrils with their fingers.
:p
That is, without a doubt, one of the funniest things I've ever read at the Army!!!
BOB...that was a masterwork!:)
academic punk
05-25-2005, 09:41 PM
Jabba the Gunt?
academic punk
05-25-2005, 09:42 PM
The Gunt For Red October?
Originally posted by academic punk
Jabba the Gunt?
http://www.rotharmy.com/forums/attachment.php?s=&postid=524090
Warham
05-25-2005, 09:42 PM
Actually, it should be Flabba the Gunt.
academic punk
05-25-2005, 09:42 PM
"Fourth and long, coach. You wanna go for it or should we just gunt?"
academic punk
05-25-2005, 09:43 PM
"Welcome to another episode of Candid Camera! Here's your host, ALAN GUNT!!!"
academic punk
05-25-2005, 09:45 PM
"Yes, she's a little dog, a small bitch, but that's to be expected. After all, she is the gunt of the litter."
bueno bob
05-25-2005, 09:48 PM
Originally posted by Rikk
BOB...that was a masterwork!:)
Thanks :) I like to play.
bueno bob
05-25-2005, 09:49 PM
Tommy Lee Jones, Benicio del Toro, Flabulous Shadow and Pete in:
The Gunted
bueno bob
05-25-2005, 10:15 PM
And now, back to Gunt Wars:
---------------------------------
FLAB: You must learn the ways of the Gunt if you're to come with me to spam the Army.
PETE: (laughing and hiccupping) Army? I'm not going to the Army. I've got to go to the bar. It's late, I'm in shitfaced it as it is.
FLAB: I need your help, Pete. My gunt needs your help. I'm getting too fat for this sort of thing.
PETE: I can't get involved! I've got drinking to do! It's not that I like
the Army. I hate it! But there's nothing I can do about it right
now. It's such a long way from here.
FLAB: That's your whiskey talking.
PETE: (sighing) Oh, fuck, my whiskey. How am I ever going to refill
this?
FLAB: Learn about the Gunt, Pete.
bueno bob
05-25-2005, 10:16 PM
FLAB: There's nothing you could have done, Pete, had you been there.
You'd have been cybered, too, and your balls would be in the hands of
the Sheep Pen.
PETE: I want to spam the Army with you. There's nothing for me here now. I want to learn the ways of the Gunt and become banned like you.
Warham
05-25-2005, 10:24 PM
PETE: Guntress, this is an unexpected pleasure. My small cock is honored by your presence.
FLAB: You may dispense with that one one-incher, PETE. I'm here to put your fingers to work.
PETE: I assure you, FLAB. My fingers are working as hard as they can.
FLAB: Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.
PETE: I tell you, these fingers will get inside your folds as fast as they can.
FLAB: My GUNT does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation.
PETE: But, it wants the impossible. I need more fingers!
FLAB: Then perhaps you can get some members from the Army to help you.
PETE: You want me to go there and ask?
FLAB: That is correct, Captain Obvious. I am most displeased with your apparent lack of progress.
PETE: My fingers shall double their efforts!
FLAB: I hope so, PETE, for your sake. The GUNT is not as forgiving as I am.
Warham
05-26-2005, 02:43 PM
From Episode III: Revenge of the Flab
PETE: FLAB, can you hear me?
FLAB: Yes, Little One. My ears are not covered by mounds of fat.
FLAB: Where is RIKK? Is he embarrassed? Has he been banned yet?
PETE: It seems in your anger, you posted the wrong IM's.
FLAB: I...I couldn't have. I made sure they were phony. I faked them myself!
FLAB: Uhhhhhhhhhhh....Arghhhhhhh.....
FLAB: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Warham
05-26-2005, 04:07 PM
From Episode V: The Pen Strikes Back
WARHAM: Lord Bueno, our programs have completed their scan of the every IP at the Army and found no FLAB online. If PETE did post those IM's for her, he'll have gone back to beg for cyber immediately.
BUENO BOB: Alert all Sheep Pen Admins. Calculate every possible way that PETE would try to get in between her folds.
WARHAM (looking blue in the face): Yes, my Lord. We'll find them.
BUENO BOB: Don't fail me again, Warham, or you'll be in the Bathhouse.
WARHAM: Yes, my Lord.
bueno bob
05-26-2005, 04:10 PM
Originally posted by Warham
From Episode V: The Pen Strikes Back
WARHAM: Lord Bueno, our programs have completed their scan of the every IP at the Army and found no FLAB online. If PETE did post those IM's for her, he'll have gone back to beg for cyber immediately.
BUENO BOB: Alert all Sheep Pen Admins. Calculate every possible way that PETE would try to get in between her folds.
WARHAM (looking blue in the face): Yes, my Lord. We'll find them.
BUENO BOB: Don't fail me again, Warham, or you'll be in the Bathhouse.
WARHAM: Yes, my Lord.
SMASHINGLY well done, my friend!
Warham
05-26-2005, 04:15 PM
GUNT WARS:
A few hours ago on a forum dedicated to a legendary frontman...
Episode I: The Flabulous Menace
Episode II: Attack of the Drunk
Episode III: Revenge of the Gunt
Episode IV: A New IP
Episode V: The Pen Strikes Back
Episode VI: Return of the Army
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D
That's fucking hilarious!!!!!!!!:p...especially A NEW IP!!:D
tjvhou812
05-26-2005, 05:13 PM
Pete: rikk i need your hand, the gunt is sucking me right in
Rikk: here pete hurry grab my dick and pull yourself up
Gunt: nobody here gets out alive...put your dick back in your pants
b4 i swallow your friend
Pete: put it away rikk, please, just do as the gunt says
Rikk: then then fuckyou pete, i dont give a fuck, im getting the hell outta here, i can pull my dick myself
PETE signals for attention, and the room falls silent.
PETE
The Gunt has made a critical error and the time for our attack has come.
This causes a stir. PETE turns to a holographic model of
the FLAB's pussy, her mom's house and the protecting deflector
shield of fat, slime and hair.
PETE
The data brought to us by the FLAB's gynecologist pinpoints the exact location of the Gunt's vagina underneath all that fat. We also know that the pubic systems of this gunt are not yet fully operational. With her insane urge to avenge her disgraced breasts spread throughout the internet in a vain effort to get back at the Pen, her gunt is relatively unprotected. But most important of all, we've learned that her rank clit is actually visible just between the fifteenth and sixteenth layers of fat over what's left of the vagina, in the area our analysts have called The Stinking Death Zone.
A volley of spirited chatter erupts from the crowd of five imaginary friends in PETE's mind, allegedly sitting on the empty couches and staring at him in his basement.
PETE (cont)
Many gynecologists died to bring us this information. Admiral SPMUSICPLYR, please.
Admiral SPMUSICPLYR steps forward and points at the holograph, singling out the gunt's fat field and the forest land of pubes.
SPMUSICPLYR
You can see here the gunt sitting on a sea of slime that orbits the forest land of pubes. Although the vericose vein defense mechanism on this gunt is not yet operational because it's been hard at working making sure nobody enjoys looking at the FLAB's breasts, the gunt does have a strong defense mechanism. It is protected by
a fat shield, which is generated from the 765 tubs of Ben & Jerry's Rocky Road Ice Cream the Flab injests every single day. The Ben and Jerry's company must be deactivated if any attack is to be attempted, as the Flab can simply not stop eating fatty ice cream. Actually, if you get rid of Ben & Jerry's, she may move on to Hagendas, or even worse, margarine with huge blocks of cheese. Anyway, once the fat shield is down, PETE's one-inch will create a perimeter, while his semen flies into the superstructure of gunt and fat and attempts to conceive the ugliest child ever born.
Jimmy Jingles
02-22-2007, 10:32 AM
:lol:
Holy shit my sides!!!!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
How did I miss this before?
bueno bob
02-22-2007, 11:12 AM
Ahhh...THIS brings back memories...
:D
Warham
02-22-2007, 06:26 PM
This is one of the ten greatest threads ever assembled at the Army.
:D
Nickdfresh
02-22-2007, 06:51 PM
2005? Holy shiite Batman, as it been that long?!
Did someone say STAR GUNT?
bueno bob
03-16-2010, 12:58 AM
Ahh, how I've missed this...
Brings a tear to my eye re-reading... :D
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