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Shaun Ponsonby
06-17-2005, 09:46 AM
What is the worst thing you have ever said to another human being?

A couple of weeks ago I went to see Yngwie Malmsteen in Manchester, and there was this Big Issue seller outside (remember Big Issue=homeless person). And I could hear him saying to everyone "Put a smile on a homeless person's face", meaning, "Buy a Big Issue". So, I thought "I'll tell a joke, be sarcastic with the guy". So, he comes up to me...

HOMELESS GUY: "Could you put a smile on a homeless person's face?"

ME: "Yea, of course I can. Knock, knock"

Fuck! He hasn't got a door for me to knock on.

His face looked like this- :(

Golden AWe
06-17-2005, 11:37 AM
"i'm not gonna bang you anymore"

Shaun Ponsonby
06-17-2005, 11:40 AM
:D

Hardrock69
06-17-2005, 12:08 PM
When a new owner took over my company, I told him the following, knowing he was a devout Christian:

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

A picture of Jesus only requires one nail.....

He was not amused.

As he is the man who now signs my paychecks, I later apologized.

:D

Matt White
06-17-2005, 12:10 PM
"The worst thing you have ever said to another person?"

"GOODNIGHT".
:D:D:D

guwapo_rocker
06-17-2005, 12:11 PM
Originally posted by Shaun Ponsonby
What is the worst thing you have ever said to another human being?



Will you marry me?
































Not you Shaun.

fryingdutchman
06-17-2005, 12:50 PM
"Your breath stinks!! Did your proctologist ever stick his finger in your mouth by mistake?"

Shaun Ponsonby
06-17-2005, 01:10 PM
Originally posted by guwapo_rocker
Will you marry me?


Not you Shaun.

Damn, getting excited then.

Actually, scrap that, too homosexual.

blonddgirl777
06-17-2005, 01:17 PM
This really old man was too way old to drive, and was in the lane beside me, on the road...
It was a slow boulevard.

He was so out of it that he didn't reasise that he was slowly overlapping my lane, causing me to either:
let him hit me or end up in the ditch...

It was summer, all windows rolled down and I yelled at him:
"Get the fuck out of the road, you impotant old bastard... go back to the hospital..."!

I felt really bad afterwards but there should be a law that would re-adjust some elderlies right to drive...
for everybody's sake!

Without the proper reflexes, one can be dangerous, just like a drunk driver.

Shaun Ponsonby
06-17-2005, 01:42 PM
Originally posted by blonddgirl777
I felt really bad afterwards but there should be a law that would re-adjust some elderlies right to drive...
for everybody's sake!


No, that isn't bad, my dad did something similar a few years ago. We were stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway, and it turns out that it was all caused by an old guy driving very slowly and moving from lane to lane.

When we finally got up front he yelled at him "So, it was YOU was it, you stupid geriatric cunt".

The guy looked shocked at my dad's choice of words.

blonddgirl777
06-17-2005, 02:00 PM
I mean, I feel bad because the're old and diserve respect, but they should know their own limits and quit driving before they hurt someone...

Golden AWe
06-17-2005, 02:05 PM
"you look like katydid"

Golden AWe
06-17-2005, 02:06 PM
"no, we're not listening to my vh-vinyls"

Jérôme Frenchise
06-17-2005, 02:15 PM
"Wooaaarrrgh!! Now get your fuckin' fingers outta your assholes, you crappy bunch of morons, the fuckin' ligths are fuckin' GREEEEEEEEN AAAAARRRRGH!!!"
Not long ago, I was almost late for a meeting. All my windows, including the wide sunroof, were open... What a relief! :cool:

A madman will come out almost every time I drive.

Shaun Ponsonby
06-17-2005, 02:24 PM
Originally posted by blonddgirl777
I mean, I feel bad because the're old and diserve respect, but they should know their own limits and quit driving before they hurt someone...

Why should they just be GIVEN respect because they are old?

I was eating lunch in a shopping centre one day, and this old guy was yelling from about 50 yards away "Is this the way to Stanley Road?". I didn't know he was talking to me, he was 50 yards away. Then I looked up and he was yelling at ME. "Oi, you, is this the way to Stanley Road?"

I said "Sorry, erm, I think you can go either way," and I carried on eating and talking o my good friend (not at the same time, mind).

But, no, he shouts again "Oi, you deaf twat, is this the way to Stanley Road?"

Me- "You can go either way"

HIM-"You fucking stupid kid, I asked you about 50 FUCKING times, then"

ME-"Sorry, I couldn't hear you" (getting a bit angry now)

Then, and this shocked me, he whacked the wall with his walking stick and yelled "I'll fucking stick this down your fucking throat, you stupid fucking bastard."

Now, I don't usaully swear at people I don't know in the street. But, I'm not gonna let this old guy, who is demanding respect because he is old, and that is what he was doing, to swear at me for no good reason.

So, I yelled back at him "Oh, fuck off, will you, you old cripple"

HIM- "How DARE you speak to me like that (despite the fact that he was speaking to ME like that). I told you I'll stick this fucking thing down your fucking throat."

ME- "I'm telling you, mate, you touch me in any way, and I'll fucking sue you."

HIM "You wouldn't dare"

ME-"Hit me, then, and we'll find out."

Then, he just walked off mumbling to himself. My good friend stayed silent throughout the whole thing.

There is another guy who lives round these ways who keeps yelling at the kids to stop playing football. Pitts his name is, Mr Pitts. Says he will phone the police. What the fuck are the police going to do? Can you imagine it?

PITTS-"Yea, there are kids playing outside."
POLICE-"Yea, so?"
PITTS-"So, stop them"

Seriously, the kids' age range is about 6-14.

There isn't even a sign that says 'No Ball Games'.

So, I don't really give old people respect unless they show it to others as well. Very few of them do.

I hate people who say "Aren't old people lovely?" Yea, well, some of them are, but some of them are bastards. The ones who were bastards when they were young tend to become old bastards.

Soul Reaper
06-17-2005, 03:02 PM
Originally posted by Shaun Ponsonby
What is the worst thing you have ever said to another human being?

A couple of weeks ago I went to see Yngwie Malmsteen in Manchester, and there was this Big Issue seller outside (remember Big Issue=homeless person). And I could hear him saying to everyone "Put a smile on a homeless person's face", meaning, "Buy a Big Issue". So, I thought "I'll tell a joke, be sarcastic with the guy". So, he comes up to me...

HOMELESS GUY: "Could you put a smile on a homeless person's face?"

ME: "Yea, of course I can. Knock, knock"

Fuck! He hasn't got a door for me to knock on.

His face looked like this- :(

harsh but true.

it seems the sellers' whole life depends on sing in the streets about a magazine, which is what happens in Huddersfield.

you Americans are lucky you don't live in the bizzaro world of England.

Shaun Ponsonby
06-17-2005, 03:03 PM
So true.

academic punk
06-17-2005, 03:06 PM
"Shaun, progressive rock sucks.." :)

Soul Reaper
06-17-2005, 03:10 PM
Originally posted by academic punk
"Shaun, progressive rock sucks.." :)

Is that a fact?

...how very interesting

academic punk
06-17-2005, 03:17 PM
Originally posted by Soul Reaper
Is that a fact?

...how very interesting

Not really. (The interesting part. It is, howveer, a fact that progressive rock blows. Ask anybody.)

Carmine
06-17-2005, 03:22 PM
Originally posted by Shaun Ponsonby
What is the worst thing you have ever said to another human being?



"Hi, I'm CARMINE...you wanna F..."


...ree sample of this cake?


What were YOU thinking I said?:D

Ozzy Fudd
06-17-2005, 03:32 PM
So you like Our Band ,
do you F%*K as good as you look.

What a Swelled Head i had back then..Man oh man

canadiandlrgirl
06-17-2005, 03:36 PM
Originally posted by Carmine Raguzza.
"Hi, I'm CARMINE...you wanna F..."


...ree sample of this cake?


What were YOU thinking I said?:D :p :p

Jano
06-17-2005, 03:41 PM
Originally posted by Jérôme Frenchise
"Wooaaarrrgh!! Now get your fuckin' fingers outta your assholes, you crappy bunch of morons, the fuckin' ligths are fuckin' GREEEEEEEEN AAAAARRRRGH!!!"
Not long ago, I was almost late for a meeting. All my windows, including the wide sunroof, were open... What a relief! :cool:

A madman will come out almost every time I drive.
You must be french!

tjvhou812
06-17-2005, 03:41 PM
too many things

canadiandlrgirl
06-17-2005, 03:47 PM
i have too many things to list...

most of them are aimed at my b/f or ex husband:D :D

Jano
06-17-2005, 03:47 PM
I asked a girl to call a Cab for her way back home after a good fuck with her in my place!

Shaun Ponsonby
06-17-2005, 04:23 PM
Originally posted by academic punk
Not really. (The interesting part. It is, howveer, a fact that progressive rock blows. Ask anybody.)


Ask me.

academic punk
06-17-2005, 04:39 PM
Originally posted by Shaun Ponsonby
Ask me.


I'd rather not. I fear the response of an avowed ELP fan... ;)

Shaun Ponsonby
06-17-2005, 04:54 PM
:D

I ain't gonna argue anyway, so you're safe.

Bike.

Hardrock69
06-17-2005, 04:56 PM
I almost got into trouble....but then, I dunno if I would have...


I was using the loo in Victoria Station....this old geezer was standing just outside the door staring into a full-length mirror mounted on the wall and was half-yelling at himself in the mirror. My then g/f was in the ladies room, and came out just as I was about ready to start imitating him.

Oh, and Shaun, fuck that old motherfucker....I would say you did the right thing....

One thing i have learned....the older I get, the less crap I am willing to put up with from anyone!

SweetSecrets
06-17-2005, 04:57 PM
The worst thing I ever said to another person...

"Yes"

(that is enough explanation)

Shaun Ponsonby
06-17-2005, 05:17 PM
Originally posted by Hardrock69
I almost got into trouble....but then, I dunno if I would have...


I was using the loo in Victoria Station....this old geezer was standing just outside the door staring into a full-length mirror mounted on the wall and was half-yelling at himself in the mirror. My then g/f was in the ladies room, and came out just as I was about ready to start imitating him.

Oh, and Shaun, fuck that old motherfucker....I would say you did the right thing....

One thing i have learned....the older I get, the less crap I am willing to put up with from anyone!

Ever see the TV show 'Kids Say The Funniest Things'? They should be doing 'Old People say Fucking Stupid Things which Make No Sense To Anybody But Themselves'.

blonddgirl777
06-17-2005, 06:25 PM
Originally posted by Shaun Ponsonby
What is the worst thing you have ever said to another human being?

:(

Back in the late 80's, when musicians (and wannabees) had very long hair and where wearing tights, I happened to be in a bar...

This gorgeous (but obgnoxious) guy comes to me and starts to flirt agressively..."wanna fuck, I'd do this and that to you" etc...

I looked at him from head to toe, with a big smile and said:
"Sorry sweety pie, but I'm not a lesbian... I like the whole package"...

He got frustrated and left!

:rolleyes:

guwapo_rocker
06-17-2005, 07:29 PM
Originally posted by blonddgirl777
Back in the late 80's, when musicians (and wannabees) had very long hair and where wearing tights, I happened to be in a bar...

This gorgeous (but obgnoxious) guy comes to me and starts to flirt agressively..."wanna fuck, I'd do this and that to you" etc...

I looked at him from head to toe, with a big smile and said:
"Sorry sweety pie, but I'm not a lesbian... I like the whole package"...

He got frustrated and left!

:rolleyes:

That was you???

Fuck!! I'd just been swimming!!!

blonddgirl777
06-17-2005, 07:36 PM
HAAaaa....
THAT's why, I coulnd't see ANYTHING in those tights!!!

guwapo_rocker
06-17-2005, 07:43 PM
Originally posted by blonddgirl777
HAAaaa....
THAT's why, I coulnd't see ANYTHING in those tights!!!

Shit you're Canadian, you know the water is fucking cold!!

LoungeMachine
06-17-2005, 09:00 PM
You know, you remind me of a cross betwee Katydid and Fab, with the personality of FatterpussyFart

rustoffa
06-17-2005, 10:18 PM
There's a few....

"Dude, you better pick your dog up."

"Your supercharger just got thrown down the driveway, I'll buy you a new one."

"Yeah, I know the toilet was right there...you can rinse a fucking sink out."

....I'll get back to this.....

DLR7884
06-17-2005, 10:20 PM
When I was in high school I had promised one of my friends a ride home from school. As it happens, I had to stick around after school and take a test. I told him about this and he got all pissy with me.

We started verbally assaulting one another (as friends do) in front of a large crowd that had gathered around us.

Now, this friend of mine happened to suffer from severe acne, his face looked like it actually hurt to smile, frown or blink. So in the heat of battle he pushed my buttons to the point where I could no longer take it.

I pretty much yelled to him, "Wash your filthy face dude. It looks like you camped out next to a deep frier all week long."

Needless to say, he shut his fucking mouth after that, and he and I didn't talk for quite some time. :)

That was a pretty bad thing to say to someone with acne.

DLR7884
God damn I can be a dick sometimes.....

academic punk
06-17-2005, 10:43 PM
Here's a good one:

Back in high school a good friend lived in Queens. Sort of a rough neighborhood, defintely the kind of place where as you walk by people hanging on the corner start whispering towards you, "smok, got smoke, hash, whaddya need?"

MY friend's family had a dog, a chocolate lab, but it's coat was BLACK. hence, they named it "Blackie". Smart dog, too: they would just let him out, he'd do his thing, and you'd call him back in, and he'd come running.

So one time I'm over there, and my friend - who was fixing the dog'sd dinner (dog food and microwave'd, cut to bite size chicken, I swear) asks me to call the dog.

I go to the front door, open it, and shout, "HEY, BLACKIE, YA BLACK BASTARD!! GET YER BLACK ASS OVER HERE!!!"

Sure enough, a group of people who were smoking up in a car parked across the street open each of their doors, and I'm suddenly looking at the business end of fourvery upset African descendents. Awkward to say the least.

I mumbled something about, "Uh, I was talkin' to the dog..." when Blackie - right on cue, thank Christ - came running and I grabbed him and started patting his head saying "Good boy, Blackie! Good boy! Blackie is a good boy!"

More for the burly fellas across the way than for the dog, you realize...

rustoffa
06-17-2005, 11:31 PM
Ha!

Here's a similair one.

I ended up @ this predominately "ethnic" party one night...you know, just flyin' around and shit (party to party-let's go here!...that shit). It was pretty fucked up. I live in Atlanta...so you get used to being in west end and the shit doesn't bother you. Anyway, I wanted a fucking beer in the midst of this bling fest and just went to get one. Some stares, some good vibes...no big deal. I get back to the token white comfort zone with my beer, and this fucker goes, how ya feelin'? I go, "I feel like a dot on a domino."

This blinged-out brother I didn't see goes, "you like dominos dog? I hope you brought your money!" -Completely good-intention wised. His girl stepped to me: "he wasn't talkin' bout playin' mothafuckin' dom-i-nose! he was talkin' bout bein' surrounded by a buncha niggas!"

I didn't intend the comment to be racist, she did. So the dude goes, "aww shit, I thought you wanted to lose some money....you meant you were like a WHITE dot on a domino?" I just went, "yeah, I'm one of like 5 white fuckers here...no disrespect man."

It was grate, he just went off on his biatch, just laughin' at her and stuff.

About ten minutes went by, and we got-the-fuck out of there.

Terry
06-17-2005, 11:37 PM
Was smoking outside a bank. Exhaled, and apparently the smoke wafted towards a woman exiting the bank. She came over to me and started going off on me about it. Stood there smoking, listened to her seriously bitching at me about how I was inavding her personal space blah blah blah. Finished and put out the cigarette, then said, "Go eat a bowl of fuck, you cunt."

The look on her face was priceless. May sound harsh to some, but in my defense, she really WAS a cunt.

DLR7884
06-18-2005, 12:09 AM
Originally posted by Terry
Was smoking outside a bank. Exhaled, and apparently the smoke wafted towards a woman exiting the bank. She came over to me and started going off on me about it. Stood there smoking, listened to her seriously bitching at me about how I was inavding her personal space blah blah blah. Finished and put out the cigarette, then said, "Go eat a bowl of fuck, you cunt."

The look on her face was priceless. May sound harsh to some, but in my defense, she really WAS a cunt.


Must have looked like Andrew Dice Clay when you said that.

DLR7884
I'll have to remember that when some dumb cunt tells me to quit smoking.

Seshmeister
06-18-2005, 01:02 AM
Originally posted by Terry
Was smoking outside a bank. Exhaled, and apparently the smoke wafted towards a woman exiting the bank. She came over to me and started going off on me about it. Stood there smoking, listened to her seriously bitching at me about how I was inavding her personal space blah blah blah. Finished and put out the cigarette, then said, "Go eat a bowl of fuck, you cunt."

The look on her face was priceless. May sound harsh to some, but in my defense, she really WAS a cunt.

Terry you are a star!:D

jackassrock
06-19-2005, 01:37 PM
To an ex...

Maybe I would fuck you if your pussy didn't smell like a fucking sewer.

DLR7884
06-19-2005, 03:29 PM
Originally posted by jackassrock
To an ex...

Maybe I would fuck you if your pussy didn't smell like a fucking sewer.

Ugh. Sewer crotch!

DLR7884
:)

academic punk
06-19-2005, 03:34 PM
The writer David Sedaris has a story about his younger brother called, "You Can't Kill the Rooster". He details in it how when he - David - was growing up his father's rule was "If you ever start smoking, I will dosown you". The family goes on to have five more children, and by the last one - his youngest brother - that was downgraded to "Please no smoking pot in the living room".

Anyhoo, there's a bit in there how the father's wife dies, and he's depressed, and says so at a family gathering. The youngest responds by saying, 'The past is gone, hoss. What you need to do now is get yourself some new motherfucking pussy and you'll be fine."

Shaun Ponsonby
06-20-2005, 08:44 AM
Originally posted by Terry
Was smoking outside a bank. Exhaled, and apparently the smoke wafted towards a woman exiting the bank. She came over to me and started going off on me about it. Stood there smoking, listened to her seriously bitching at me about how I was inavding her personal space blah blah blah. Finished and put out the cigarette, then said, "Go eat a bowl of fuck, you cunt."

The look on her face was priceless. May sound harsh to some, but in my defense, she really WAS a cunt.

I hate the Tobacco Police.

"Its a form of pollution" they say, before getting into their car and driving away.