Joke thread [Archive] - Page 3 - The Diamond David Lee Roth Army

Anonymous

10-22-2005, 01:06 AM

I had just posted that, brother Ozzy... nevermind. Here's a couple more:

Two good old boys were sitting out behind their trailers, shooting the breeze. Bubba asked, "Homer, if I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz fishin', an' made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?" Homer scratched his head. "Nah, Bubba, I don't think so. But it would make us even."

Two Irishmen bought two pigs, but then worried about how they could tell whose was whose. Paddy suggested he cut one ear off his pig. The other Paddy thought that was a good idea. This worked fine until a few weeks later when Paddy stormed into Paddy's house. "Paddy, your pig has chewed the ear off my pig! Now we got two pigs with one ear each. Now how we gonna tell whose pig is whose?" "Well, Paddy," said Paddy, "I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll 'ave two pigs and only one of them will 'ave an ear." The other Paddy agreed. This worked fine until a few weeks later when Paddy stormed into Paddy's house. "Paddy, your pig has chewed the other ear offa my pig! Now, we got two pigs with no ears! Now how we gonna tell whose pig is whose?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy," said Paddy and he thought a moment. "How about if I'll cut de tail offa my pig and den we'll 'ave two pigs with no ears and only one tail." Paddy agreed. A few weeks later, Paddy stormed into Paddy's house again. "Paddy, your pig has chewed the tail offa my pig and now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails! Now how we gonna tell 'em apart?!" "Ah, fook it," said Paddy. "Why don't you have the black one and I'll have the white one?!"

Cheers! :bottle:

Bob_R

10-22-2005, 09:58 AM

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Alabama and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Alabama women.

Bob_R

10-22-2005, 09:58 AM

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Bubba?" the others asked.

"Bubba had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Bubba lying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Bubba!

Bob_R

10-22-2005, 09:59 AM

Regarding the year 2000, a senior at U of A was overheard saying "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama." When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.

Bob_R

10-22-2005, 10:00 AM

The young Alabamian came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Alabamian answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Bob_R

10-22-2005, 10:01 AM

NEWS FLASH! - Tuscaloosa, AL ----- Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Alabama students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Tuscaloosa. Alabama search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

Bob_R

10-22-2005, 10:01 AM

An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-20. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

Bubba replied, "Bout whut?

Matt White

10-22-2005, 01:11 PM

Larry gets home late one night, and his wife Linda says, where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I Like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand, and Last, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home And blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Ngk Ngk Ngk!!!

Bob_R

10-23-2005, 09:06 PM

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Bob_R

10-24-2005, 10:52 PM

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a
bench talking........and one blonde says to the
other, "Which do you think is farther
away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde
turns and says "Helloooooooooo!!! can you see
Florida.......?????"

MAX

10-25-2005, 08:52 PM

I didn't know where else to put this so here goes...

I heard this on the radio while driving home from work and found it cute.

Apparantly there's this new store in Chicago specifically designed for women to BUY a husband. Yeah, "No Shit?" tis' what I said as well.

Well the store has six levels.

Here's the catch. The woman can only keep going up. Once she passes on a specific man, she cannot go back down only to exit the store.

A woman tried it for the radio station and here's how it went.

On the first floor after stepping off the elevator it reads:

"These men have jobs"

The woman thought "Not bad. I mean it's better than my last boyfriend." However, she decided to go up.

The second floor reads:

"These men have jobs and love children"

The woman thought "awesome" but there were still four more levels, so why not see what's next?

The third floor reads:

"These men have jobs, love children and are extremely good looking"

She almost bit but was halfway there, so what could going up another floor hurt?

The fourth floor read:

"These men have jobs, love children, are extremely good looking and love to help with the housework"

Well, the prospects just kept getting better so she decided to go up yet another floor.

The fifth floor read:

"These men have jobs, love children, are extremely good looking, love to help with housework and are very romantically inclined"

The woman thought "WOW!!!" but figured that if there's one more level, she might as well give it a go.

She stepped off the elevator on the sixth floor and the sign read:

"You are visitor 3,565,231 and thank you for shopping at Husbands R Us you may now exit the store."

Just goes to show that no matter how good you might think you are, a woman always wants more and is willing to look for it. ;)

Keeyth

10-26-2005, 11:48 AM

That's been posted before here many times and the punch line is messed up on your version, it supposed to end with something along the lines of "It just goes to show that women can't resist shopping and that there is no pleasing a woman" or something like that... ...but no worries! :D

Keeyth

10-26-2005, 11:49 AM

Ozzy Fudd

10-26-2005, 07:24 PM

Ya know almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it
necessary to hire a private investigator, Alan
Pinkerton, for protection. That was the beginning of
the Secret Service .

Since that time, federal police authority has grown to
a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI , CIA ,
INS , IRS , DEA , ATF , etc.

Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport
Security Service.
Can't you see them now? These highly
trained men and women in their black outfits with
initials in large white letters across their backs?

F A. T. A. S. S.

Ozzy Fudd

10-26-2005, 07:37 PM

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Okay old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about
5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and boom, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit, third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of the story...Don't mess with us old folks. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Anonymous

10-27-2005, 07:57 PM

Medicine through the Ages
2000 BC: "Here, eat this root." 1000 AD: "That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer." 1850 AD: "That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion." 1900 AD: "That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill." 1950 AD: "That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic." 2000 AD: "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root."

A waiter delivered a bottle of fine Merlot to a beautiful woman and said, "This is from the gentleman at the bar." She regarded the wine and the man for a moment, and then sent back a written reply. The gentleman read it. "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in the garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." He read the note, and then composed one of his own. She read, "For your information, I have a Ferrari, a BMW, a Mercedes and a Porsche in my garage and twenty million in the bank, but not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Send back the wine!"

Cheers! :bottle:

Jurak

10-28-2005, 08:17 AM

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Jurak

10-28-2005, 08:23 AM

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

:D

Jurak

10-28-2005, 08:24 AM

Fallen

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to
adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This
satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for
years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor.
The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the side walks
in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the
confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh,
realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor
and said,"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

Anonymous

10-28-2005, 10:41 AM

How does a bad golfer differ from a bad skydiver? The bad golfer goes Whack! "Damn!" while the bad skydiver goes, "Damn!" Whack!

One guy said to the other, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything. And what she doesn't have, she just goes out and buys herself. I'm stumped." His buddy said, "Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have an hour of great sex any way she wants it?" "Great idea. She'll be thrilled." The next day, his buddy asked him, "Well? Did you take my advice?" "Sure did." "What happened?" "She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me, and ran out the door, yelling, "See ya in an hour!"

Cheers! :bottle:

rustoffa

10-28-2005, 01:02 PM

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody.
He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an
impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a
coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler
the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before,
but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

Bob_R

10-29-2005, 03:35 PM

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells
the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few
minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the
story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Bob_R

10-29-2005, 03:36 PM

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a
river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other
side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other
side."

Bob_R

10-29-2005, 03:38 PM

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one
day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the
first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.! "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

Anonymous

10-31-2005, 02:11 AM

A rabbi walked into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender said, "Hey, where'd you get that?" And the frog said, "Brooklyn! They're all over the place!"

When Ruth's husband died, they only had $20,000 to their name. At the cemetery, Ruth mentioned to a dear friend that she was now penniless. Her friend asked, "How can that be?" "Well, you see, the funeral cost $6,500. And I made a $500 donation to the church. Plus I spent another $1,000 for the wake, food, drinks, you know. The rest went for his memorial stone." Her shocked friend replied, "Twelve grand for a memorial stone? God, Ruth, how big is it?" Ruth grinned. "Three carats!"

Cheers! :bottle:

Bob_R

10-31-2005, 07:23 AM

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

Keeyth

10-31-2005, 06:50 PM

LOL!!

Anonymous

11-01-2005, 10:40 AM

Once, when British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli was addressing the House of Lords, a member interrupted him and shouted, "You, sir, are either mad or diseased!" Disraeli stared him down and calmly replied, "That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress!"

A Texas rancher and his wife bickered their way through France as if they were back home in the Panhandle. They were scarcely speaking by the time they arrived for their dinner reservations at a fancy French restaurant. When the waiter asked for their order, the rancher said, "I'll have a big, thick, porterhouse steak." The waiter looked surprised. "Monsieur? What about ze mad cow?" The rancher replied, "Oh, she'll just have the salad!"

Cheers! :bottle:

Jérôme Frenchise

11-01-2005, 10:50 AM

Man, Disraeli was a genious! :cool:

Bob_R

11-02-2005, 10:00 PM

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He
doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he
writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later
he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right
as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and
he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company and another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over
your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel
apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co

Anonymous

11-03-2005, 10:53 AM

Paul had an important meeting, but just could not find a place to park. Finally, he resorted to prayer. "Lord, have mercy. If you find me a parking space, I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life. I'll even give up drinking!" Miraculously, a car pulled out, right in front of him. Paul looked up and said, "Never mind. I found one."

Dear Continental Airlines, American Airlines, Southwest Airlines, Delta Airlines, United Airlines, et al: Here's my solution to prevent hijackings while getting our airline industry back on its feet. 1. Replace all female flight attendants with good looking strippers. What the hell? Most of your attendants have grown old anyway. Since they don't serve food anymore, no one would miss them. 2. Strippers create a party atmosphere and would triple alcohol consumption and your profits. 3. Terrorists would be afraid to fly for fear of seeing naked women. 4. Every heterosexual businessman would fly lots more, further increasing your business. Think of the results: record revenues and no more hijackings. Signed, Bill Clinton.

Cheers! :bottle:

Anonymous

11-03-2005, 10:55 AM

He tried to be a loving husband, so he softly told her, "Your breasts are so beautiful that I want to take a photograph of them so I can frame it." She replied, "Yeah? Well, I want to take a photograph of your penis so I can enlarge it!"

Here's proof that not only blonde women are... well, mentally challenged. :D

The blond father was in the delivery room for his wife's first birth. She gave birth to perfect little twin boys.. He turned to his wife and said, "All right! Who's the other father?!"

Cheers! :bottle:

Matt White

11-03-2005, 10:37 PM

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

Matt White

11-04-2005, 11:05 AM

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court!"

The court room went silent and Paddy (the best man) stood up and said, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

"Well", continued Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leaped over the table, ran towards us, and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded: "God.. that must have hurt!"

Paddy replied, "HURT ?? It broke 3 of my fingers!!!"

A Cha-cha cha!!!

Matt White

11-04-2005, 11:08 AM

Morris an 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got a twenty two year old bride who's pregnant with my child! . . .What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...

*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"EXACTLY!"

:D

Matt White

11-04-2005, 11:10 AM

One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring then said, "Isn't having nine babies a little much?"

"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."

"Yes," said the priest, "your legs!"

Matt White

11-04-2005, 12:00 PM

A well-dressed man approached a voluptuously beautiful young woman on the street and said, "Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"

"For a MILLION dollars?!" she replied, more than a little stunned, "Of course I would!"

"Well, would you sleep with me for twenty five dollars?"

"Twenty five dollars? Don't be ridiculous! What kind of girl do you take me for, anyway?"

"We've already established what kind of girl you are; now we're just haggling over price."

"HIT MY MUSIC!!!"

Matt White

11-04-2005, 02:03 PM

Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens. The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch. After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.

Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her. Well what happened?

She replied, It was the best sex I ever had!

Why? asked Farmer Brown.

Well when he took off his pants it wasn'r but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage.

Farmer Brown said, Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!!

Matt White

11-04-2005, 02:06 PM

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay

Matt White

11-04-2005, 02:07 PM

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?

A: They think we care.

Matt White

11-04-2005, 02:08 PM

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

Matt White

11-04-2005, 02:10 PM

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".

Matt White

11-04-2005, 02:15 PM

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks
=-=-=-=-=-

10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."

9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.

8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and
puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."

7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.

6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."

5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's
giving it.

4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."

3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.

2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.

And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks...

1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.

Ozzy Fudd

11-04-2005, 10:30 PM

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy
replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.

Matt White

11-05-2005, 01:43 AM

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.

Matt White

11-05-2005, 11:45 AM

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name’s Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you’d like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ’em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More ’n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that’s not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

Matt White

11-06-2005, 11:30 AM

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their
honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the
receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite.

The whole evening the people in the next room are phoning down
to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't
stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6 am, the groom phones down to room service.

"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last
night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of
toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there.
Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for
my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit as
well!"

OI VAY!!!

Matt White

11-06-2005, 11:32 AM

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

Matt White

11-06-2005, 11:33 AM

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road." The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung
anyone.

The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the
tree.

The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. "Oh no," the farmer thought, "he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!"

As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.

"No, no, I'm okay I guess," gasped the naked man. "I have no choice, do I? I'll pay you double for the farm... but doesn't that calf have a mother?"

Matt White

11-06-2005, 11:35 AM

A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarrettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it.

The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here."

The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that i buy them here but can't smoke them here?"

And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here."

Matt White

11-06-2005, 11:36 AM

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't wan to have to come back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."

"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.

"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."

"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.

"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"

A Cha-cha cha!!!

Matt White

11-06-2005, 12:24 PM

What Color Panties do you have on?

Rocky, a mafia wise-guy, just had gotten paid a plentiful sum of money. He decided to improve his image and have a swell night-out impressing the ladies. So he went and purchased a custom tailored Armani suite, a Forzieri shirt, and a pair of $500 Gucci shoes. After being well suited for his night on the town, he started out at his favorite night club; where he new the ladies were hot and wanting. The atmosphere of the club was upbeat, discrete and sensual.

Rocky saw a familiar girl that he approached, and asked, “Hey Andria, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Andria, you have on a pair of pink panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know?” He said “Well I could see them in the reflection of my shoe.” She said, “Rocky that is unlike a gentleman to say such a thing”; slapping him and walking off the dance floor.

He didn’t give it a second thought and proceeded to his next prospect, a girl he once met at a party; he approached her saying, “Hey Rosalia, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Rosalia, you have on a pair of blue panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know?” He said “Well I could see them in the reflection of my shoe.” She said, Rocky, you are such a pig”, slapping him and walking off the dance floor.

Still determined to get laid while having a good time, but less assured by is new image, he approached another girl who had a promiscuous reputation. He said, “Hey Delanna you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Delanna, what color panties are you wearing?” She said, “I’m not wearing any panties Rocky”. He said, “Well that’s good Delanna”. She said, “Ohhhh Rocky, why do you ask?” He said, “There for a moment I thought I had a scratch on my new shoes.”

EXactly, exactly

Matt White

11-06-2005, 02:57 PM

Two fellas from rural Minnesota walked into a pet shop in Minneapolis. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by a lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the
100-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART TWO:
Moments later, Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART THREE:
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock
and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his head.....

"First der was Sven with his budgie jumping.... den Knut
parrotshooting.... and now Lars is hengliding!"

Matt White

11-06-2005, 06:03 PM

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"

A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Matt White

11-06-2005, 06:03 PM

Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Hella.

Matt White

11-06-2005, 06:10 PM

What's funnier than a zombie baby?

A zombie baby in a clown suit!

:DI likes 'dat one!!!

HA!

Matt White

11-06-2005, 06:11 PM

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm.

One drunk says to the other drunk, “Did you sleep with my wife last night?”

To which the other drunk replies, “Not a wink.”

Matt White

11-06-2005, 06:16 PM

A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I resent that!"
The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck.

The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!

Matt White

11-06-2005, 08:23 PM

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can''t find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can''t hear. So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.") She replies by pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast, slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. The man is confused and runs upstairs.
"What? What was that?"

"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

Bob_R

11-06-2005, 08:39 PM

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

The redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Matt White

11-06-2005, 11:05 PM

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"

Anonymous

11-07-2005, 10:58 AM

Four married guys were fishing. The first guy said, "You guys have no idea what I had to do to be here this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint our house!" The second guy said, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I'd build her a new deck." The third guy said, "You guys have it easy! I had to promise that I’d remodel our kitchen!" The fourth guy didn't say a word. Finally, one asked him, "So what did you have to do to come fishing?" He replied, "I took a different approach. I set my alarm for 5AM, and when it went off, I nudged my wife and asked, 'Fishing or sex?' and she said, "Wear your sunscreen!"

Two doctors were complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's so easily confused," said one doctor. "She does everything backwards. Why, just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours and she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours instead. He damn near died!" "That's nothing," said the second doctor. "Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours and she tried to give the poor guy 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they heard a blood-curdling scream echo down the hall. "Oh, my God!" cried the first doctor. "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Cheers! :bottle:

Matt White

11-07-2005, 12:32 PM

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.

7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.

8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.

9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.

10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.

11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month.

12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

14. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.

16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

17. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

Matt White

11-07-2005, 12:38 PM

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"

"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.

And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"

Matt White

11-07-2005, 12:44 PM

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

Matt White

11-07-2005, 12:53 PM

This fella goes to the doctor and says"Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"

The doctor said" put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"

The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"

Matt White

11-07-2005, 12:54 PM

Sarge's Little Helper

11-07-2005, 12:54 PM

Things Not To Say During Sex

Girls shouldn't say:

You woke me up for that? Do you smell something burning? Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! Got any penicillin? Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I want a baby! But everybody looks funny naked! Did I mention the video camera? So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? Did I remember to take my pill? That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance... You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Did I mention my transsexual operation? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please I think biting is romantic- don't you? When would you like to meet my parents? Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you MR. Flash! Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... -------------------------------

Guys shouldn't say:

A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? But I just brushed my teeth... I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people... That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? Now I know why he dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? You'll still vote for me, won't you? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? You can cook, too right? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Oops. I wasn't paying attention. Tell me again what is going on.

Matt White

11-07-2005, 12:56 PM

Guys shouldn't say:

A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? But I just brushed my teeth... I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people... That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? Now I know why he dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? You'll still vote for me, won't you? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? You can cook, too right? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Matt White

11-08-2005, 03:01 PM

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

Jurak

11-09-2005, 08:39 AM

One day after a long days work a man walks into a bar. He realises that it's a gay bar, but decides to stay anyway. The bartender approaches and asks "What's the name of your penis?" The man replies, "I'm not like that, I just want a drink.” The bartender says, "I can't serve you until you give the name of your penis. For example the name of my penis is Nike, for the slogan Just Do It. I'll come back in a few minutes." So the man thinks and turns to the man on his left and asks him the name of his penis. The man replies, "It's Timex, it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." The man then turns to his right and asks him. He replies "It's Ford. Have you driven a Ford lately?" The man thinks and then calls the bartender over. "I got a name, it's Secret." "Why is it secret?" asked the bartender? The man says "It's strong enough for a man but made for a woman".

Hardrock69

11-09-2005, 11:00 AM

Post a joke here?

Ok...

Anonymous

11-11-2005, 09:33 PM

Do you know how to spot the EXTROVERTED mathematician? He's the one who, when he talks to you, looks at YOUR shoes!

Three mothers decided to check the contents of their teenage daughters' purses. The brunette opened her daughter's purse and found a pack of cigarettes. "Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter smokes!" The redhead went through her daughter's purse and found a flask of vodka. "Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter drinks!" The blonde opened her daughter's purse and found a condom. "Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter has a penis!"

Cheers! :bottle:

Anonymous

11-11-2005, 09:53 PM

Did you hear about the blonde co-ed who went to a campus demonstration but didn't stay because it was too crowded?

A farmer was reduced to selling peaches door to door. A one house, a gorgeous young lady answered his knock, dressed only in a sheer negligee. After he showed her the peaches and asked if she wanted to buy some, she opened one side of her negligee and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He gulped and nodded and a tear ran from his eye. Then she opened the other side of her negligee and asked, "Are they as nice and pink as this?" He nodded again as a tear ran from his other eye. She then opened the full length of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" The farmer broke down crying. She asked, "What's wrong?" Through his tears, he replied, "First, the drought got my corn, then the bank took my cattle, and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches!"

Cheers! :bottle:

Anonymous

11-11-2005, 09:54 PM

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who finds such a man.

Two guys were walking through the woods when they saw a grizzly bear running toward them. One guy tore off his hiking boots and quickly pulled on a pair of sneakers from his bag. His buddy looked surprised. "You don't really think that those will make you run faster than a grizzly bear, do you?" "I don't need to run faster than the bear," his friend replied. "I just need to run faster than you!"

Cheers! :bottle:

Anonymous

11-11-2005, 09:55 PM

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who finds such a man.

A man lost his wife and went to the police. The policeman asked, "What are her characteristics?" "What do you mean, 'characteristics?'" The policeman said, "You know: Is her hair blonde? Her eyes blue? Her breasts big, etc.?" The man said, "That one's good! I'll take her!"

Cheers! :bottle:

Anonymous

11-11-2005, 09:55 PM

The math teacher noticed that Little Johnny was daydreaming in class again. "Johnny! What's 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny immediately answered, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

A widower and a widow each lived alone in a Florida mobile home park for several years. One evening, at a community supper in the activity center, the two sat across from each other. As the meal ended, he finally gathered up his courage and asked, "Will you marry me?" After about a second of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will!" The meal ended with a few pleasant exchanges and they went home to their respective trailers. The next morning, he was worried. Did she say "Yes" or "No?" He couldn't remember. So he telephoned her and explained that he didn't remember as well as he once did. Then he said how much he enjoyed their evening together. Finally, he asked, "When I asked you to marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted when she replied, "I said 'Yes' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she paused before adding, "I'm glad you called because for the life of me I couldn't remember who asked me!"

Cheers! :bottle:

Anonymous

11-11-2005, 09:56 PM

Object Gender: Ziploc Bags? Male, because they hold everything in and you can see right through them. Copiers? Female, because once they're turned off, they take a while to warm up again.. Hot Air Balloon? Male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it. Sponges? Female, of course: they're soft, squeezable, and retain water. Subway? Male, because every day it uses the same old lines to pick people up. Web Page? Female, because they're always getting hit on. Hammer? Male, because even though it hasn't changed in 5,000 years, it's still handy to keep around. Hourglass? Female, because over time its weight shifts to the bottom. Remote Control? Female. You might think it should be male, but just think about how much pleasure it brings a man and how he'd be lost without it!

A former soldier was telling his drinking buddies about the first time he parachuted from a plane. "When it was time for me to jump, I got to the door and froze. My drill sergeant stood behind me and whispered in my ear, 'If you don't jump right now, I'm gonna stick my cock right up your ass!'" His buddies asked in anticipation, "So? Did you jump?" He replied, "Uh, yeah. A little at first!"

Cheers! :bottle:

larbo

11-11-2005, 10:35 PM

Why do ******s put mustard on their tootsie rolls? So they won't bite their finger! BWWHAAaaahhahaha!

What's black, Got four legs, and yell's HODEEDO, HODEEDO? Two ******s trying to get in my elevator!

Jérôme Frenchise

11-12-2005, 10:05 AM

Originally posted by larbo
Why do I keep posting here?
Because as real shit I will stink till you bury me.

What's idiotic , got no brain, never speaks but vomits and should be thrown out of here soon?
Lousy Asswipe Racist Better Out

Hey, this is the JOKE thread here, moron. Not the JERK thread. So keep out! :mad:

Jurak

11-12-2005, 01:30 PM

There's no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple
nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented
in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But
if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham ? If
the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth, beeth ?
One goose, two geese. So one
moose, two meese? One index,
two indices.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat ?
Sometimes I think all the English
speakers should be committed to
an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite
at a play and play at a recital ?
Ship by truck and send cargo by
ship ? Have noses that run and feet
that smell ? Park on driveways and
drive on parkways ?

How can a slim chance and a fat
chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites ?
How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and
quite a few are alike ? How can the
weather be hot as hell on one day
and cold as hell another ?

You have to marvel at the unique
lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form
by filling it out, and in which an
alarm clock goes off by going on.

People, not computers invented
English, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race
(which, of course, is not a race at
all).

That is why, when the stars are
out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch,
I start it, but when I wind up this
essay, I end it !

:D

Jurak

11-13-2005, 04:40 PM

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders
a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 real mean looking men sitting at a corner
table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma
and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks
him square in the eyes and says,... "Grandpa ... Go home, you're drunk"

nickbfresh

11-13-2005, 04:44 PM

HAHAHAHAHHA Biggest joke of all on here is Nickdfresh

Nickdfresh

11-13-2005, 04:45 PM

Originally posted by nickbfresh
HAHAHAHAHHA Biggest joke of all on here is Nickdfresh

ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZ ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz

Anonymous

11-14-2005, 07:21 PM

A man heard his blonde girlfriend screaming at a soda machine: "You dumb button!" "You're ugly!" "You have no future!" "You'll be replaced by a better-looking button!" He ran over to her and asked, "What are you doing?" She pointed to a sign on the front of the machine: "Depress Button For Ice."

Socrates (469 - 399 BC) was widely lauded in ancient Greece for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait," replied Socrates. "Before you continue, I want you to ask yourself this: does what I am about to say pass the Triple Test?" "The triple test?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, ask yourself this: Are you absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is the Truth?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard it myself and..." "All right," said Socrates, "so you don't really know if it's true or not. Now ask yourself this: Is what you are about to tell me something Good?" "No, on the contrary..." began his friend. "So, you want to say something bad even though you're not sure it's true?" The embarrassed man shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so.." Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is the third test: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you were going to tell me going to be Useful to me?" "Well, I guess not.. Not really." "Well, then" concluded Socrates, "if what you want to say is neither True, nor Good, nor Useful, why tell me at all?" The man walked away, defeated and shamed. And this is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in high esteem. And it also explains why Socrates never knew that Plato was banging Mrs. Socrates!

Cheers! :bottle:

Jurak

11-16-2005, 07:50 PM

THREE WOMEN - ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE

AND A NEWFY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A JACUZZI..

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER

THE SKIN OF MY ARM." ..

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.

THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE

FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE NEWFY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE; SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHINGJUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE JACUZZI AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE NEWFY WOMAN FINALLY SAID,

"LORD THUNDERIN' JESUS, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT!

I'M GETTIN' A FAX!"

Matt White

11-17-2005, 11:52 AM

Love, Lust and Marriage
Love, Lust and Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed

Matt White

11-17-2005, 11:53 AM

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

A Cha-cha cha!!!

Matt White

11-17-2005, 11:54 AM

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

:D

Matt White

11-17-2005, 11:55 AM

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Bob_R

11-19-2005, 10:12 AM

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time!

Bob_R

11-19-2005, 10:16 AM

From time to time I speak with pharmaceutical sales reps who use our library. The other day, a Glaxo rep told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to everyone they consider buying stock in the company.

It combines the memory enhancing properties of the gingko root plus the, well, "uplifting" ability of Viagra. It's called "Gingko Viagra" and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you're doing.

Bob_R

11-20-2005, 08:40 PM

The Bathtub

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?

Hardrock69

11-22-2005, 01:31 AM

Superman Limerick:

Miss Lane went to visit in Trent
Got lonely so (so the article went)
They found her quite dead
With a hole in her head
It seems she went down on Clark Kent

MERRYKISSMASS2U

11-22-2005, 03:12 AM

A jock and a geek applying for the same job.

The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

Cathedral

11-22-2005, 03:39 AM

One day, a man goes to a library looking for a book and he says to the librarian, "Hello, can you help me find a book on suicide?"

He is totally shocked by the answer when she says to him, "Fuck You, You won't bring it back"

MERRYKISSMASS2U

11-22-2005, 03:44 AM

Originally posted by Cathedral
One day, a man goes to a library looking for a book and he says to the librarian, "Hello, can you help me find a book on suicide?"

He is totally shocked by the answer when she says to him, "Fuck You, You won't bring it back"

BWHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!

One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do."

So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"

The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim."

Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"

Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"

Jurak

11-22-2005, 05:19 PM

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green
Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated
this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The
kids were nothing to look at either.

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find any.

13. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet
him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the
top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

14. I went to a seafood disco last week... and
pulled a mussel.

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
I do not get this one.......

16. Two termites walk into a bar.
One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Matt White

11-22-2005, 11:22 PM

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

Matt White

11-22-2005, 11:24 PM

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

A CHa-cha cha!!!

Matt White

11-22-2005, 11:26 PM

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

Matt White

11-22-2005, 11:28 PM

One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.

Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."

The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.

Matt White

11-22-2005, 11:29 PM

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off
his
clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by
him
and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection,
comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob
replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me

explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you

called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays
down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with
her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and
farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a

firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:
"Sir,
did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man:

"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you
called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him
over
the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked

receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key
back.
You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only
been
here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our
facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a
hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

Bob_R

11-24-2005, 10:17 AM

GOOD GENES OR BAD GENES?

A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II drivers exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape.I'm up well before daylight, climb all over the aircraft doing my pre-flight inspection, fly all day, etc."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane! He went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot too!"

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living?! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married?!! Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?

Jurak

11-24-2005, 09:04 PM

Great jokes man..... :D

Jurak

11-27-2005, 11:40 AM

A co-worker got his pen stuck inside the printer just before we had to go to
a meeting. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him: "We don't
have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to
use it and then report it to the Help Desk." So he grabbed a piece of paper
and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. Later, one of my
techs comes in laughing and says saw a piece of paper on a printer and went
to investigate. Attached is what he found.

(Sometimes things don't always
come out the way you want them to.)
... :D
... :D
...... :D
..........

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/Penisstuck.jpg

Matt White

11-27-2005, 10:46 PM

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly the convict got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it."

"Oh honey", the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. But he wasn't kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

Matt White

11-27-2005, 10:48 PM

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous! Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he'll take care of you!"
So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," said her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and Tony will take care of you!"

So, up she went again! When she got there, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama,mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

Her mother replied,"Don't worry Maria, all good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he will take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the sauce dear," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

Matt White

11-27-2005, 10:51 PM

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

Matt White

11-27-2005, 10:53 PM

What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples?

It's Brail for "suck here".

A Cha-cha cha!!!!

MERRYKISSMASS2U

11-27-2005, 10:58 PM

Originally posted by Matt White
What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples?

It's Brail for "suck here".

A Cha-cha cha!!!!

What happened to Chinky Chinky Chinky!? :'-(

Matt White

11-28-2005, 11:14 AM

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...’’
He is interrupted by the doctor. “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.

Two weeks go by and the man is back. “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And by the way, you have a lovely home.”

Matt White

11-28-2005, 11:17 AM

The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having sex...

THINGS TO DO OR SAY WHEN YOU WAKE UP TO YOUR ROOMMATE HAVING SEX....

(the obvious) "Ooooooo."

"That works better the other way around."

Sniff, sniff. "Is something burning?"

"Damn, that's complicated"

"Wait, wait, here take my pillow."

"All right, already. _I_ came!"

"You guys need a value pak."

Smoke a pipe, every once in a while wave it around and say, "Good show, old bean!"

"Is that sperm or a mudpack?"

"You've got something stuck in your teeth."

"4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."

Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change position.

"You know, they say that three's a charm."

Suggest your favorite position.

Shine a flashlight at them. "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the positition."

"Bring in the Gimp!"

"Hold that pose!"

Sit up and bounce vigorously on your bed, clapping and squealing with joy.

Start singing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

Sing "Shake your bootie."

"A little to the left."

"Is that a penis in your girlfriend, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Is there room for two in there?"

"Two words: penis extension."

Invite others in as a cheering section.

Charge admission at the door.

Make and hold up score cards and all of them should read 6.9.

Whip out pen and paper and take notes.

"Maybe it would help if you..."

"That reminds me of a joke I heard."

"That's what you call erect?"

"Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"

Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"

Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."

"Use the Heimlich; she's got something caught in her throat!"

"May I cut in?"

"That's illegal in Arkansas."

"Holy whips and chains, Batman!"

Scream at the top of your lungs. When they ask what's wrong say you thought you were having a nightmare.

"Look, if you insist on me being part of this, let me at least get her for a few minutes!"

Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.

Recite Condom Month slogans. i.e. 'Pack you wiener before you bean her.' and 'Wrap you wacker before you pack her.'

"Let's make a sandwich!"

"Is that hard enough for you?"

"I'm going to the water fountain, can I get you anything?"

"I think you dropped something."

"So, you like to eat at the Y?"

Grab your camcorder and ask, "How much do you think they'd pay to see this on Pay-per-view?"

"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

Caged

11-28-2005, 05:22 PM

Knock fuckin' knock.... video of Bush getting locked out.

http://www.doubleagent.com/video.php?v=790&ct=37

Caged

11-28-2005, 05:24 PM

and fuck you too Bush

http://www.doubleagent.com/video.php?v=677&ct=37&cps=0&sb=mr

MERRYKISSMASS2U

11-28-2005, 11:20 PM

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8 am.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backing up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.

She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts to laugh hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says:

"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!"

Matt White

11-29-2005, 12:46 PM

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Matt White

11-29-2005, 12:47 PM

what women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

Matt White

11-29-2005, 12:48 PM

Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

Jérôme Frenchise

11-29-2005, 03:22 PM

:D Ha! Ha! Great stuff in here, as always.

Here's the 600th or so: :)

Two pals come up against each other on the street. One is carrying an impressively huge man wearing a mac and a hat. The other asks him:
"What are ya doin' with that big guy, wearing a mac, on your back?
- Well, I met a genius by chance. "By chance" isn't appropriate, though. Because he told me: "You can ask me for two wishes. What's the first one you're asking for?" I said: "I want a billion dollars." And suddenly there was an awesome amount of bollocks falling from the sky. Yark... Sickening. I got really mad, but the genius said: "Now, you still have one wish."
- Ok, but this doesn't answer my question: why the fuck are you carrying that big guy in a mac, wearing a hat??
- Well, buddy, why do you think I asked for a "big dick"?!"

Sorry. :o

Keeyth

11-29-2005, 04:03 PM

Doesn't translate well into American culture. No idea what a mac is... ..nor the relation of billion dollars to bollocks...

Jérôme Frenchise

11-29-2005, 04:17 PM

Originally posted by Keeyth
Doesn't translate well into American culture. No idea what a mac is... ..nor the relation of billion dollars to bollocks...

Really sorry. :(

By "mac" ("mackintosh"), I meant a raincoat. And yes, there is no relation between "dollars" and "bollocks", but the genius is deaf.
It sure doesn't translate well. The original "story" says "milliard" (a billion euros, dollars, pounds, whatever) for "billard" (a pool) and a "grosse mite" (a big moth) for a "grosse bite" (a bick dick)...

Anyway, that's true, I missed it. It's not a good sign when you must explain the hows or whys... :o

Jurak

11-29-2005, 06:40 PM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my... test...results...back?"

Bob_R

12-03-2005, 08:01 AM

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for $19.95

Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers :

"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car,

Ken's House,

Ken's Boat,

Ken's Furniture,

Ken's Computer and...

One of Ken's Friends.

Bob_R

12-04-2005, 12:36 PM

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Matt White

12-05-2005, 11:56 AM

HOW THE BIRTH ORDER OF YOUR CHILDREN CHANGES THE WAY THINGS ARE DONE:

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

Jurak

12-05-2005, 01:36 PM

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
(Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.)

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed,

the bills aren't paid,

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only one check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

:D

Jurak

12-05-2005, 01:37 PM

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Matt White

12-05-2005, 02:50 PM

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

Matt White

12-05-2005, 02:53 PM

Top bumper stickers seen around the world
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

Thank You For Pot Smoking.

To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!

Boldly Going Nowhere

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

Don't Be Sexist - Birds Hate That

Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

Grow your own dope --- Plant a man.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

franksters

12-05-2005, 06:15 PM

Here is the ultimate proof of global warming!

blonddgirl777

12-05-2005, 07:11 PM

Originally posted by franksters
Here is the ultimate proof of global warming!

L.O.L...
How can you be against it?

Keeyth

12-05-2005, 07:57 PM

Who said we were??? :D

Take it off!! Take it ALL off!!! :D ;)

Katydid

12-06-2005, 07:51 AM

lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She
noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She
immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile
turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man
arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but
notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had
to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant
sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,'
and I could hardly contain myself. But, your Honor,
when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
Accident,' I just lost it."

Jurak

12-06-2005, 11:52 AM

A blind man enters a bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb 'blonde' joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professionalwrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and I have a very bad attitude.

Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, then shakes his head and says:
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Matt White

12-07-2005, 12:11 AM

There was a couple who was about to get married. Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died. As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St. Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.
He was gone for several months then finally returned.
The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"
St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here, do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"

franksters

12-08-2005, 05:10 PM

hilarious!

http://www.laserp.com/fun_stuff/star_schmucks.htm

Bob_R

12-10-2005, 09:22 AM

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Swen. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
painful.

Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.He then hid the now
almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again
last night weren't you Ole?" Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......it's
all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."

Bob_R

12-11-2005, 09:58 PM

BAPTIST COWGIRL

A cowgirl, who moved to Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is
in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
Arkansas, we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I am drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, she orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day she comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains.
"It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to
quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my sisters, though."

Bob_R

12-11-2005, 10:16 PM

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing
with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop
and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell
off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who
are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the
tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his tra in. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All
passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a
pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her
little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there
is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For
those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the
bitch in the kitchen."

Bob_R

12-13-2005, 10:31 PM

A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the
salary but not what he would be doing. Come to find out that the zoo's
gorilla had unexpectedly passed away. The zoo had just spent millions on promotions which focused on the gorilla and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted.

Everyday he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage and be
the gorilla. After a while he started enjoying himself. He would scare
little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas and stuff. You know,
gorilla things. As time wore on he became the main attraction at the
zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him.
One particularly busy Saturday he was swinging around and accidentally
swings over his fence and lands in the lions cage. The lion slowly opens
his eyes and sees the gorilla. The lion begins to stalk. The lion, now
drooling and wide awake, slowly approaches the gorilla who is backed up against the fence. The lion is ready to jump, then the gorilla started
yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! help, help !!"

Then the lion said, " Shut-up stupid, or we'll both get fired! "

Bob_R

12-17-2005, 11:29 AM

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abou ta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."

Bob_R

12-22-2005, 08:38 PM

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday.

Bob_R

12-31-2005, 05:54 PM

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through
Immigration. The Immigration officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the tests, but there is still one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United States of America."

Mujibar said, "I am ready." The officer said, "Make a sentence
using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister officer, I am
ready."

The officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green and I pink
it up and say, "Yellow, this is Mujibar."

Mujibr now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a
Verizon help desk. I talked to him yesterday.

Bob_R

01-02-2006, 07:39 PM

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so
to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees. Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack.

When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"
Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only
man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he
returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something. "Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."

Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very
best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those."
Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did
their thing again that night. Pedro went off to work, again, the next morning; and, when he returned
home, Maria was very upset, . stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"
"Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"

Jérôme Frenchise

01-05-2006, 07:26 AM

Heard this morning during the show just before Dave's:

Why don't witches wear panties?

To get a better grip on the broom! :D

Bob_R

01-08-2006, 02:28 PM

A mother and her young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Edmonton to Calgary.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to items she was not prepared to discuss with her still-too-young son) told him to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Westjet always pulls out on time.

Your mother can explain THAT to you.

Bob_R

01-09-2006, 08:43 PM

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish . each person is only allowed
one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
ducks and they keep coming.

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Bob_R

01-09-2006, 08:43 PM

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from
sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.

However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use
of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon,my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either".

Bob_R

01-21-2006, 01:04 PM

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

Bob_R

01-21-2006, 01:09 PM

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his
wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he
thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while
he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for
something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well,
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that
will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay
an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn
deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed
to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously
rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the
keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a
crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man
said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to
the box and lay there quiet once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that
to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and
remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo
Penis, my crotch!"

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely
incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-
shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She
tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had
forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital
to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and
started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,
another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A
police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her
license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching,
she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got
this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant
voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

Jurak

01-21-2006, 07:04 PM

Another "bevy of beauties" there EVH....... :D

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was also scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it cause he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool????"... Is this 486-5731 ??

Ozzy Fudd

01-23-2006, 01:58 PM

SNIFFER DOG

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on
the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and
put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to
the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks
why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man
explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a
"sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the best
there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put
him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent
says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits
very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and
says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm
making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when
we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places
TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,
sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to
the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and
can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

diamondsgirl

01-30-2006, 10:29 PM

Canoe Race

A Japanese company and an American company decided to
have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams
practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team became very discouraged
and depressed. The American company decided the reason
for their crushing defeat had to be found. A
Management Team made up of senior executives was
formed to investigate and recommend appropriate
action. They discovered that the Japanese had 8 people
rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team
had 8 people steering and one person rowing.

The American Management Team hired a consulting firm
to assist in analyzing this data, happily paying their
considerable fee. After six months of hard work, the
consulting firm concluded that too many people were
steering the Americans' boat, while not enough people
were rowing. So the American Team acted:

To prevent losing to the Japanese again the following
year, the team's management structure was totally
reorganized, to include 4 steering supervisors, 3 area
steering superintendents and 1 assistant
superintendent steering manager. They also implemented
a new performance system that would give the 1 person
rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It
was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with
meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. In an
all-out attempt to further provide empowerment and
enrichment's to the rower, new paddles and medical
benefit incentives were promised in exchange for a
victory in the next competition.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American Management Team laid off the
rower for poor performance, halted development of a
new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital
investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the senior
executives as bonuses for a job well done.

Jurak

01-31-2006, 10:20 PM

funny old Johnny Carson........ :D

http://media.putfile.com/copperclappers89

Matt White

02-02-2006, 12:15 PM

A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week.
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ..an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies,....................... "Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"

Keeyth

02-06-2006, 05:02 PM

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in
the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

Jurak

02-07-2006, 01:08 PM

This guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new 500 SL MBZ."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink that entire liter of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the liter with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then . . . silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

Jurak

02-07-2006, 01:11 PM

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. This guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the Customer care department.

Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired, however he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee (now I know why they record these conversations):

************************************************** ***********

Employee "Rich Hall, Computer Assistance; may I help you?"

Customer "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Employee "What sort of trouble?"

Customer "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Employee "Went away?"

Customer "They disappeared."

Employee "Hmmm... So what does your screen look like now?"

Customer "Nothing."

Employee "Nothing?"

Customer "It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Employee "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Customer "How do I tell?"

Employee "Can you see the 'C': prompt on the screen?"

Customer "What is a sea prompt?"

Employee "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Customer "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Employee "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Customer "What's a monitor?"

Employee "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Customer "I don't know."

Employee "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

Customer "Yes, I think so."

Employee "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."

Customer "Yes, it is."

Employee "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it or just one?"

Customer "No."

Employee "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Customer "Okay, here it is."

Employee "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Customer "I can't reach."

Employee "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Customer "No."

Employee "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Customer "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's
because it's dark."

Employee "Dark?"

Customer "Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Employee "Well, turn on the office light, then."

Customer "I can't."

Employee "No? Why not?"

Customer "Because there's a power failure."

Employee "A power.......a power failure? ... Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and the packing stuff your computer came in?"

Customer "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Employee "Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Customer "Really? Is it that bad?"

Employee "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Customer "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Employee "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Jurak

02-07-2006, 01:27 PM

For the little cynic in all of us.
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>You have two choices in life:
>>> >>You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you
>>> >>were
>>> >>dead.
>>> >>
>>> >>At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
>>> >>your
>>> >>wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
>>> >>"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
>>> >>
>>> >>A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
>>> >>"Husband Wanted".
>>> >>Next day she received a hundred letters.
>>> >>They all said the same thing:
>>> >>"You can have mine."
>>> >>
>>> >>When a woman steals your husband, there is no
>>>better revenge than
>>> >>to let
>>> >>her keep him.
>>> >>
>>> >>A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
>>> >>
>>> >> A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
>>> >>get
>>> >>married?"
>>> >>Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
>>> >>
>>> >>A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a
>>> >>man
>>> >>doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
>>> >>Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
>>> >>
>>> >>Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness
>>> >>was
>>> >>until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
>>> >>
>>> >>Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
>>> >>
>>> >>If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
>>>every
>>> >>word
>>> >>you say -- talk in your sleep.
>>> >>
>>> >>Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
>>> >>thinking
>>> >>they had no faults at all.
>>> >>
>>> >>First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
>>> >>Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
>>> >>
>>> >>A Woman's Prayer:
>>> >>"Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and
>>> >>to
>>> >>forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I
>>> >>pray for
>>> >>Strength I'll just beat him to death "
>>> >>
>>> >>AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
>>> >>
>>> >>Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
>>> >>children. A
>>> >>blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
>>> >>they find
>>> >>it
>>>overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
>>> >>onto the
>>> >>bus.
>>> >>
>>> >>So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while,
>>> >>the
>>> >>husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man
>>> >>as he
>>> >>taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a
>>> >>piece of
>>> >>rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
>>> >>crazy."
>>> >>
>>> >>The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
>>> >>YOUR
>>> >>stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

Bob_R

02-07-2006, 10:29 PM

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He
kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also
had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to
throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear
guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one
million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this
pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished
his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was
one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered
him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side
unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that
was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well
I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter
or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want
your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who
pushed me in that WATER

Flash Bastard

02-07-2006, 10:48 PM

Sesame Street Bus.... heard this one a few years ago. Still my favorite clean joke.....

There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So, he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and so forth. At his first stop, there was this very over-weight little girl. He opened the door and said, " Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The girl said that her name was Pattie.

Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl. He said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" She said that her name was Pattie also.

At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The woman piped up and said, "His name is Ross and he is my son." She continued, "He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him." The bus driver replied, "No problem." "He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him really good in the mirror."

At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The little boy replied, "My name is Lester Cleese."

Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy. Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.

The man replied: Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus."

Douglas T.

02-09-2006, 08:39 AM

Well, it appears our African American friends have found something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston) reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian- sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African -American culture such as La Kisha, Chamiqua, Woeisha, and Jamal. I can hear it now: A black weatherman in Houston saying... "Wordup, Muthas! Herr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' Galveston like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit.

jslav06

02-09-2006, 07:21 PM

Very nice. Post 666 too.

Douglas T.

02-09-2006, 09:16 PM

Originally posted by jslav06
Very nice. Post 666 too.

:eek: I didn't notice! Should have used a satan joke! :eek:

blonddgirl777

02-09-2006, 11:26 PM

What is a "Racing Blond"???

A fake blond that didn't touch up her hair... yellow with 2 black stripes!
L.O.L.

Keeyth

02-10-2006, 05:36 PM

> > A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my
daughter,
> > I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes,
and a
> > million dollar annual salary."
> >
> > The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
> >
> > The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
> >
> > The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly,
she's
> > as dumb as a wall."
> >
> > The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
> >
> > The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and
build you
> > a mansion on Long Island."
> >
> > The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they
have
> > sex.
> >
> > About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's
about to
> > hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife,
"Bring me
> > a hammer."
> >
> > She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the
> > hammer.
> >
> > The guy says, "Get me some nails."
> >
> > She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some
> > nails.
> >
> > The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb,
and
> > he yells,
> >
> > "F@@@!"
> >
> > She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
> >
> >

RuzDNailz

02-11-2006, 03:02 AM

How do you turn a beautiful fox into a cow? Marry it!

RuzDNailz

02-11-2006, 03:11 AM

Scene is in a village. A tribesman cannot fart and sees the big chief
about his anti-gas problem.

Tribesman: Big chief! No fart!
Big Chief: Go see witchdoctor!
(goes to the doctor)
WitchDoctor: You must eat 1 bowl of beans. (which he does)
(next day)
Tribesman: Big chief! No fart!
Big Chief: Go see doctor!
(goes back to the doctor)
WitchDoctor: You now eat 2 bowls of beans! (he eats both bowls)
(the next day)
Tribesman: Big chief! No fart!
Big Chief: Go back to doctor!
(goes again for the doctor)
WitchDoctor: You now eat 3 more bowls of beans! (eats them all)
(next day the Tribesman runs to the WitchDoctor)
Tribesman: Doctor! Doctor! Problem!
WitchDoctor: What now?
Tribesman: Big fart! No Chief!

RuzDNailz

02-11-2006, 03:22 AM

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
"ummm! gumph! ug!"

Ozzy Fudd

02-12-2006, 10:23 PM

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

RuzDNailz

02-13-2006, 09:44 PM

A young man comes home from work and finds his new bride sliding down the banister butt naked. He asks her in shock 'hey honey! what are you doing?' She gets off the banister and simply replies 'Oh, I"m just warming up your dinner!'

RuzDNailz

02-13-2006, 09:47 PM

How do you confuse a Newfie in a circular room? Tell him to go take
a piss in the corner! How does he confuse you? Tells you he did!

Douglas T.

02-17-2006, 08:07 AM

Chris Rock's Quote of the Year

"You know the world is going crazy when the best
rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the
NBA is Chinese, the Swiss
hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S.
of arrogance, Germany
doesn't want to go to war, and the three most
powerful men in America
are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.

Need I say more?"

Keeyth

02-17-2006, 01:17 PM

That was a quote from 2-3 years ago, not this year. But still a great quote.

Keeyth

02-17-2006, 01:18 PM

Horny Husband

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the
bedroom.

He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to
make love to her.

Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to
find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and
complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this
happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and
I wasn't about to start now!"

Bob_R

02-17-2006, 06:58 PM

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and
spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

diamondsgirl

02-18-2006, 12:42 AM

Here's a good one.

Once there was a man named Mr.Fanatic and his PM box was so full

(how full was it?!!!!)

so full that no one could send him PMs

get it?

LOL :D

Bob_R

02-21-2006, 08:11 AM

Originally posted by diamondsgirl
Here's a good one.

Once there was a man named Mr.Fanatic and his PM box was so full

(how full was it?!!!!)

so full that no one could send him PMs

get it?

LOL :D

LOL!

Check your PM's sweetie. :)

Seshmeister

02-21-2006, 12:02 PM

This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy.

He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car."

To which the kid replies, "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

Seshmeister

02-21-2006, 12:04 PM

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".

Bob_R

02-21-2006, 08:13 PM

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and 10 hens he kept
in the hen house behind the church.
But one Saturday night,the cock went missing!
The priest knew that cockfights happened in the village, so he started
to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no!" he exclaimed. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no!" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no!" he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests, and a goat stood up.

Matt White

02-22-2006, 02:41 AM

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!

RuzDNailz

02-22-2006, 02:51 AM

Paki boards a bus carrying a bucket of shit. Just before he pays the
fare, the bus driver says 'that'll be 2 dollars for you and 50 cents for your friend in the bucket!'.

RuzDNailz

02-22-2006, 02:55 AM

An unhappy couple approach a wishing well and the husband throws in a penny and makes a wish. Nothing. Just shrugs his shoulders and walks away. The wife walks up and winds up tripping over her head and drowns in the water. The husband with astonishment on his face
says 'Oh, shit! it worked!'.

Bob_R

02-23-2006, 08:10 PM

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!"

Coyote

03-01-2006, 02:29 PM

When Pedro and Maria got married, he was a very experienced man, but she was totally naïve. On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria said, "Pedro! What is that?" Pedro was a quick thinker. "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And then he proudly showed her what it was for. Maria was happy. When Pedro returned to work, he returned home to find an upset Maria waiting on their front porch. "Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!" Ever fast on his feet, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one." A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home the next day, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch. "Maria? Now what's wrong?" "Dammit, Pedro. You gave the best one to Gonzalez!"

Coyote

03-01-2006, 02:31 PM

Before Bambi left for Texas, she confided to her city pals her three goals for the trip: to taste some Texas BBQ, to see a Texas rodeo, and to make love to a Texas cowboy.
As soon as she returned, the girls asked her how she fared. She replied, "Oh, they slow-cooked brisket over a wood called mesquite and it was so tasty! The rodeo was amazing: cowboys rode at full gallop, jumped off their horse, grabbed a bull by the horns, and threw it to the ground!"
"Yeah, but tell the rest! Did you make love to a Texas cowboy?" Bambi frowned. "No way! Not after I saw the size of the outline in the back pocket of their jeans. If they need condoms that big, well…"

Douglas T.

03-03-2006, 09:27 AM

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out witha load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times...."

Douglas T.

03-06-2006, 10:35 PM

An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her
lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's
$20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta
affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

Jurak

03-09-2006, 03:31 PM

Bwahahahahaha....... :D nice one DT.....

A few words from the visionary Steven Wright:
--------------------------------------------------------

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

a few goodies..... :D

Jurak

03-09-2006, 05:07 PM

My wife left me...

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.... :D

Jurak

03-09-2006, 05:12 PM

FOUR FRIENDS AT A PARTY

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He
started working at a successful company at the bottom of the
barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to
climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the
company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a
top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
> >>>> >
> >>>> >The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is
also my pride and joy. He started working for a big
airline,then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son
studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he
started his own construction company and is now a
multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and
expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the
congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride
we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a
living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub, under the name RITETOOLFORJOB..."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a
disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my
son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000
square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes
from his three boyfriends." :D

Jurak

03-09-2006, 05:17 PM

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: .

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

:D

Northern Girl

03-09-2006, 05:28 PM

Voted Best Joke of the Year:

A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Baby,
this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot".

The guy says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you".

Douglas T.

03-15-2006, 08:04 AM

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

Douglas T.

03-19-2006, 09:57 AM

My daughter is a member of the same sailing club as the host of a popular early-morning radio program. One evening at the club, she suggested to him that more frequent time checks should be given. "I get so interested in the people you're interviewing that I get frozen in time," she told him. "Then I suddenly realize I'm going to be late for work, because I'm still in the tub and it's 7:30."

The next morning, listeners to the program, including my daughter, were startled to hear this unusual time check following the news, sports and weather: "That brings the time to 7:15. Alice, get out of the bathtub."

Ozzy Fudd

03-23-2006, 08:05 AM

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive ; with NO memory

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy... then discards it through Windows

Jurak

03-23-2006, 05:48 PM

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each others
likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job,
and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece
of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

:D :D :D

Jurak

03-23-2006, 05:50 PM

The Tax Inspector

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an
inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was
checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and
said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles.What do you do
with the candle drippings?"

Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up
and send them back to the candle makers, and every now
and then they send us a free box of candles."

Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that
his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he
went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit
purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the
inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable
question. "We collect them and send them back to the
manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box
of holy biscuits."

I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how
he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he
went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from
the circumcisions you perform?"

Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to
the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a
complete dick."

Jurak

03-23-2006, 05:51 PM

Hillary Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, she asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying you was blown up by a bomb, it would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Hillary beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

:D

Bob_R

03-23-2006, 10:16 PM

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee met him at the door. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words", he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."

"The breakfast was my idea," she added.

Keeyth

03-24-2006, 04:03 PM

> A girl came skipping home from school one day.
> "Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the
other

> kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See?

> 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

>

> "Very good," said her mother.

> "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

> "Yes, It's because you're blonde."

>

> The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

> "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and

> all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See?

> A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

>

> "Very good," said her mother.

> "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

> "Yes, It's because you're blonde."

>

> The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

> "Mommy Mommy! !" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when
we

> were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have
these!"

> She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36D'S

>

> "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

> "Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"

>

> "No Honey, Its because you're 24."

Bob_R

03-31-2006, 11:11 PM

Subject: Fortunate ski trip

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So
they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I
have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she
explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep
in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got
on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected
letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do
you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the
night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed
about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of
telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look,
I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did...why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different,
didn't you?)

sisca

04-01-2006, 08:06 PM

Little known Mr. T facts
Current mood: fucking weird!

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was Mr. T, and it was a warning.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

All that glitters is not gold: If it's not being worn by Mr. T, then it's just jibba jabba, and Mr. T pities the fool who can't tell the difference. This is where the phrase "fool's gold" comes from.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T pities fools because even fools deserves their daily dose of vitamin T.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

Mr. T once beat Mike Tyson in a boxing match with only his left thumb. After the three second match was over, Mr. T pitied Mike Tyson so bad that he began to talk funny.

When he found out he would lose the rematch while making Rocky III, Mr. T administered to Sylvester Stallone an angry look. Seeing Mr. T's anger broke every bone in Sly's face, left him mildly retarded and unable to remember the incident. To this day, Sly has no idea why he shits his pants at the mere sight of a black man with a mohawk.

Michael Jackson is the only fool that Mr. T refuses to pity. He finds that it would be insulting to the pity.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

You can lead Mr. T to water, but chances are that you will die there.

Mr. T didn't know Rocky was a movie. He just wanted to kick the shit out of a white guy and steal his bitch, A-team style.

Mr. T once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Mr. T was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

If you were born before 1980, there is a good chance that Mr. T is your father. If you were born after, it's guaranteed.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Mr. T and Chuck Norris once encountered each other on a lonesome British path. Before the inevitable battle could begin, the earth shit itself and created Scotland.

Mr. T once owned a beauty parlor called "I Pretty the Fool". No matter what anyone asked for, they always receieved mohawks and a heavy dose of pity.

Mr. T does not know you personally, but the odds are 7 in 10 that he pities you.

Like King Midas, everything Mr. T touches turns to gold, even food. Unlike King Midas, Mr. T has learned to ingest gold, like a real man would.

Sarge's Little Helper

04-01-2006, 08:06 PM

sisca

04-01-2006, 08:09 PM

just little known fact about mr t.

sisca

04-01-2006, 08:11 PM

1. Chuck Norris lost his virginity exactly 10 minutes before his father.

2. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

3. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

4. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

5. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong!

6. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

7. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

8. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

9. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

10. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

11. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

12. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

13. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

14. Every time Chuck Norris throws a roundhouse kick, all women within 5 miles of Chuck immediately achieve orgasm.

15. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

16. When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'.

17. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

18. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

19. Helen Keller's favorite color was Chuck Norris.

20. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

21. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

1) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2) Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but
Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3) Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his
foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed
Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he
gets the information he wants.

5) If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he
roundhouse kicks you in the face.

6) Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

7) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good
looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil
in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates
irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it
coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month.

8) Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a
woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then
shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!"
and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody
throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't FUCK with Chuck!" Two
years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred
mile radius of the blast went deaf.

9) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

10) Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to
stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all
three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head
exploded out of sheer amazement.

11) Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the
pleasure.

12) There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
another fist. 13) Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a
high school football game. When the football went flat, he
persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3
month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards
through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in
the stadium.

14) The original theme song to the Transformers was actually
"Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in
disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who
defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could
turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a
single show, however, so it was divided.

15) The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

16) Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order
are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

17) It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight
to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris
himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very
smart.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Sarge's Little Helper

04-01-2006, 08:11 PM

EbDawson

04-08-2006, 03:59 AM

Originally posted by Jurak
My wife left me...

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.... :D

:lol:

Bob_R

04-23-2006, 10:49 AM

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,

"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a

quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to

act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for

a year! ''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and

whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."

Bob_R

04-23-2006, 10:50 AM

The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.
George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 400 million people very happy."

Ozzy Fudd

04-24-2006, 10:38 AM

this joke has a visual

Ozzy Fudd

05-12-2006, 07:30 PM

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In my part of the world we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Texas cowboy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the Mexican and the Arab, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

GOD BLESS AMERICA

Bob_R

05-14-2006, 10:27 PM

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman
replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Douglas T.

05-14-2006, 11:52 PM

We had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother had prepared for our 28-member family. As I glanced up at the chandelier over the table, I was mesmerized by the creative handiwork a spider had woven around the prisms and lightbulbs. "Don't look up there!" my mother screamed. "It's the one thing I was too tired to clean!"

"Don't look where?" my brother asked.

"There!" my mother pointed. "It's my own personal web sight!"

Jurak

05-23-2006, 05:35 PM

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 to hijack the thread and ask how to change the horn
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

PumpedUpMidget

05-23-2006, 05:44 PM

Don't know how many of you shop at Wal-Mart, but this may be useful.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me,
as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This
happened to me at Wal-Mart in Middle Island and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good looking 18 year old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank
them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride
to Wal-Mart In Centereach. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the
way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over
into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one
steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again
on Saturday, also yesterday and it will probably happen again tonight.

Jurak

05-23-2006, 09:59 PM

:D yep, it's happenin up here in Canada too...

Bob_R

05-26-2006, 05:42 PM

Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for THEMSELVES.
Helllooooo? It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He didn't call back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.

Bob_R

05-28-2006, 10:37 AM

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call
for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way
with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you
can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't
had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once
a month. I fart 15 times a day."

Bob_R

06-01-2006, 08:42 AM

FIRST THINGS FIRST!!!!
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay." He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.....then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

Guitar Shark

06-02-2006, 01:38 AM

Married Chinese couple are in bed together.

Husband says "Honey, I wanna 69."

Wife says "Why you want beef with broccoli NOW?"

Bob_R

06-02-2006, 09:32 PM

Grandma's - Always faithful.....

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a
Metro station in DC:

"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets
on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

"An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a
young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

"The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a
gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't
you care about the children of Iraq?'

"The old woman looked up at her and said, ' Honey, my father died
in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam.

All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad
mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

God Bless America

frets5150

06-04-2006, 12:10 AM

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.

He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.

The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet, " replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment, " said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.

"Uh... yes." replied the cop.

"Here's what you do, " said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......":D

Bob_R

06-06-2006, 10:43 PM

Florida Drinking Rule

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to
drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Florida guy, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it,
throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican
and the Iraqi, and catches her glass. She says, "In America we have so
many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the
same ones twice.

God Bless America!

Bob_R

06-11-2006, 10:46 PM

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now,
tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

Hardrock69

06-20-2006, 08:46 AM

I just got this from my Aunt in Cali. Usually she sends emails that say there is an attachment and there is none, or she fwds something (supposedly) and there is nothing there...but today was funny:

When going to get his driver's license renewed at the local motor-vehicle bureau, a man was not surprised to find that the building was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until he finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

"The clerk looked at his picture closely.

"It's okay," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Bob_R

06-30-2006, 07:43 AM

Subject: Italian Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench seat one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops in at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help. He said, "do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "yes, I want 5 loaves."

She said, "my goodness, 5 loaves. Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "Holy crow, everybody in the world knows about this Italian
bread thing but me!!"

Bob_R

07-01-2006, 11:20 PM

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush face a firing squad in a small Central American country.

Bill Clinton is the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the
confusion.

Al Gore is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is reassembled and Al ponders what his old boss has done. Before the order to shoot is given, Al yells, "Tsunami!" Again the squad falls apart and Al slips over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He is thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall." As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he grins and yells, "Fire!"

Bob_R

07-01-2006, 11:26 PM

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes
arunnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just
yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had,
namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to
come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

Bob_R

07-07-2006, 10:44 PM

Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't wa nt to hav e
any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure
called vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool
in the shed but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Texas,
Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia, Washington DC, and LOUISIANA.

Keeyth

07-12-2006, 05:44 PM

A couple was dressed and ready to go out into the city for the evening.
They
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone
line,
covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned
the
local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple
opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out
into
the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
eat
the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside
to get
the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house
will
be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her
husband
will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my
Mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long,"
he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
Had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
off so
I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep
her
from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and
threw
her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car......

Ozzy Fudd

07-13-2006, 10:11 AM

-------Another Blond Joke!!

You missing a 710?,

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer.
A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one.

It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:

www.mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg

Northern Girl

07-21-2006, 01:10 PM

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small

tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is

that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands onthe

sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.

Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is

neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,

the bestpiece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Matt White

07-23-2006, 10:22 PM

NGK NGK NGK

Bob_R

07-26-2006, 07:52 AM

How many of us have threatened to retire and become a Walmart greeter?
Wish I could think this fast!

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... Nice
children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,
the
oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

Bob_R

07-27-2006, 09:14 AM

The Pastors Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day

Matt White

07-30-2006, 10:58 PM

37 Rude & Crude Pick-up Lines

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.

2. Nice legs...what time do they open?

3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?

8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

15. Are those real?

16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.

20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

2
2. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?

23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?

33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.

36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

Sarge's Little Helper

07-30-2006, 10:58 PM

Bob_R

07-31-2006, 07:29 AM

3 Nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you
all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to
go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just
doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

Bob_R

07-31-2006, 09:14 PM

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

rustoffa

08-06-2006, 01:12 AM

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

Bob_R

08-07-2006, 10:41 PM

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen McNuggets. "We don't have half dozen McNuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen McNuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine. The mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer..!"
Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency!!"

Bob_R

08-12-2006, 02:25 PM

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.
"I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage
and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of
my intelligence come from?
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your
mother, cause I still have mine"

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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.