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Bob_R
03-06-2004, 08:22 PM
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"



Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"



The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"





Harry: "9"





Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"





Harry: "36"





And so it went with every quest ion the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."




The teacher says to the princip! al, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.





Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?





Harry: "Legs"





Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)





Harry: "Pockets"





Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"





Harry: "Pants"





Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)





Harry: "Coconut"





Teache r: "What goes in hard and pink then comes! out sof t and sticky?"





Harry: "Bubblegum"





Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)





Harry: "Shake hands"





Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"





Harry: "Yup"





Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."





Harry: "Tent"





Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and bit tense)





Harry: "Wedding Ring"





Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."





Harry: "Nose"





Teacher: " I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."





Harry: "Arrow"





Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"





Harry: "Fire truck"





The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the sixth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

Bob_R
03-06-2004, 08:28 PM
The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman
for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup,
the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grewwide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes,
dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in
the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...

And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

Sarge
03-08-2004, 05:42 PM
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing.. she has already been told twice!

Sarge
03-08-2004, 05:42 PM
it's just a joke..

knuckleboner
03-08-2004, 05:59 PM
heh heh. the physically joke complement to that one, sarge, is:


what do all battered women have in common?

[screaming as you pound your fist on the table:] THEY NEVER FUCKING LISTEN!!!!


(also, just a joke...)

Bob_R
03-13-2004, 02:55 PM
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
Don't you just love little old ladies?

Ozzy Fudd
03-14-2004, 04:59 PM
Deer Sir,

We wanna apply for the secritary job what we saw in the paper. WE can Type real quik wit one finggar and can sulve Solitair in 20 seconds in the Profi mode.
WE love speaking on the telefone and because of that We do talk to my frends on it for about houers a day.

Werere lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.
so you can pay Us what you theenk that were am werth,

Thank you in idvance fore yore anser.

Yore best aplicant so farr



BS : Because the resime is a bit short below is a picksure of us taken at oure last jobb.

Ozzy Fudd
03-14-2004, 05:08 PM
Ok I'm sorry (Yeah Right !!!)

Here is the joke




My lord, I do think it is one of the best!!

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Full Bug
03-18-2004, 05:30 PM
Gynaecologist Appointment

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns away, saying, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh"

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls backover and taps his wife again, saying, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

Bob_R
03-18-2004, 09:52 PM
A FISHY STORY

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.

This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.

We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike.

After a pause he adds.."Why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas
like I asked you to do?"

"I did", she said, "they're in your tackle box."

Bob_R
03-18-2004, 10:05 PM
I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was
about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I
yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?" She couldn't hear me and
she shouted back, "What?"

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking
motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said, What? I repeated the
gestures. "EYE KNEE-THE RAKE"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first
points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points
to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell
I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and
asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replies,

EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH

Bob_R
03-21-2004, 01:32 PM
A burglar broke into a house one night. When he picked up a CD player, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more, he clicked on his flashlight and began
searching again for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is
watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he asked the parrot.
"Yep," confessed the parrot, ! ! and then squawked, "I'm trying to warn
you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
The burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid person would name a parrot
Moses?"

The parrot replied, "Probably the same kind of person that would name a Rotweiller Jesus."

Full Bug
03-21-2004, 03:19 PM
There was an older woman wondering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crissssco!"

Soon, a store clerk approached her, saying, "Madam, the Crisco is on Aisle D."

The woman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."

"Your husband's name is Crisco?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, no, no! I only call him that when we're in public," she said.

Curious, the clerk asked, "Well, what do you call him when you're at home?"

"Lard ass," she replied.

Bob_R
03-21-2004, 08:19 PM
A rich white guy in Georgia decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the
token black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the
pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time
drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with
the women.

At the height of the party, the rich white dude said, "I have a 10ft
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone
who has the balls to jump in." The words were barely out of the
rich white dude's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned
around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds
of shit like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and
flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo
Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both
Leroy and the gator were screaming and rasing hell. Finally Leroy
strangled the gator and let it float to the bottom like a K-mart goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just
staring at him in disbelief. Finally the rich white guy says, "Well, Leroy,
I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it.", said Leroy.

The rich white dude said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it.", answered Leroy.
The white dude said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something.
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

The brother said no.

The confused rich white guy said, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the muthafucka who pushed me in the
pool!"

Bob_R
03-21-2004, 08:22 PM
It was Gregory the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole
family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him
a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,
"but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him
what to give you.

He said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar!"
"The breakfast was my idea."

Bob_R
03-24-2004, 08:59 PM
New York - Year 2032

A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops
at a vacant lot, takes a deep breath and tells his son:

"To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers."

The son looks at his father and asked:

"Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"

Father says:

"My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots
of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approx 31 years ago,
several Arabs destroyed the buildings."

The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father:

"Daddy what are Arabs?"

LooseMenace
03-25-2004, 12:09 PM
A man strolls into a confessional, and says to the priest, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I had sex with 7 different women last night."
The priest pauses before answering, "Go home, squeeze the juice out of 7 lemons into a glass, and drink it all in one shot."
The repenter says, "OK. And that will absolve my sin?"

"No," said the holy man, "but it will wipe that motherfucking smirk off your face."

Bob_R
03-28-2004, 05:55 PM
CUSTOMER SERVICE
This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. I
think this guy should
have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the
WordPerfect
Helpline which
was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care
department.
Needless to
say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing
the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual
dialogue
of a former
WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these
conversations!)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.Does it
have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord
goes into it.
Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the
wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the!
other
cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power............a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do
you still have
the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was
when you
got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

Bob_R
03-28-2004, 05:56 PM
Three men are sitting in a Sauna

Suddenly, there is a 'beeping' sound

One of the men presses his forearm and the beeping stops

"That was my pager - I have a microchip embedded in my arm", he says

A few minutes later a phone rings inside the Sauna

The second man in the Sauna holds his hand to his ear and speaks into his wrist

"I have a microchip in my hand that serves as a mobile phone", he proudly states

The third man is feeling kinda down not being up on all this new technology

He goes out of the Sauna and comes back a few minutes later with a length of toilet paper hanging down from between his ass cheeks

"What's that?", ask the other two men

"I'm getting a fax!", says the third man

Bob_R
03-31-2004, 01:05 PM
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend
in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you
always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining.

Bob_R
03-31-2004, 03:58 PM
In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a
room and sees a patient acting as if he's
driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you
doing?"

Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving
to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip
and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room
just as he stops driving his imaginary car and
asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted! I just got into
Chicago and I need some rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you
had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's
room, and goes across the hall into Fred's
room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed
masturbating vigorously.

With surprise she asks, "Fred what are you
doing?"



Fred replies, "I'm screwing
Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"

Ozzy Fudd
03-31-2004, 07:52 PM
Here is a good one..

I'm from the I R S Sure i'll help You :D

Bob_R
04-01-2004, 11:29 AM
Woman to pharmacist: I'd like some arsenic please.

Pharmacist: That's dangerous stuff. What do you want it for?

Woman: I want to use it to kill my husband.

Pharmacist: I can't supply you with arsenic to kill your
husband! That's totally outrageous!

The woman then puts a photograph onto the counter. The
photograph is of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife...

Pharmacist: Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription.

Bob_R
04-01-2004, 11:36 AM
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your
barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went
on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he
intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about
his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so
when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No! , no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.

Bob_R
04-01-2004, 12:15 PM
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me tojustify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing is wrong' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Bob_R
04-03-2004, 09:30 AM
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I
run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I
circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge, " said the stomach, "because I
process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I
carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I
allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "because I'm
responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and
insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the
brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs
got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge

Bob_R
04-03-2004, 09:35 AM
FUN REFLECTIONS ON LIFE!

1. Never raise your hands to your kids.
It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out.
My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why
Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do you think illiterate people
get the full affect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody,
but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he
gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head
out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you
is an idiot, but anyone
going faster than you is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started
walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no
idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering
from some form of mental illness. Think of two of
your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergent takes out
bloodstains. I think if you've got a tee shirt with
bloodstains all over it, maybe your
laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their
walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I
think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the walls.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed
at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for
that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were
any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

15. Future historians will be able to study at the
Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan
Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Ozzy Fudd
04-06-2004, 08:04 PM
There was a gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its gas sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7)."

"Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time."

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.

The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged. He doesn't give away free sex."

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
:D

Elitest
04-10-2004, 10:30 AM
:o

Elitest
04-10-2004, 10:39 AM
hmmm...

Elitest
04-10-2004, 10:43 AM
uh huh....

Bob_R
04-11-2004, 09:04 PM
Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. She made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three
pickets to Titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled in
panic.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three
tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified at his own blunder, he too fled.

The third priest moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three
tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes."

Confident that he had got it all correct, he continued, "And, I must
say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly
gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you....

Bob_R
04-11-2004, 09:07 PM
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man
walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the
old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and
had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my
son."

Bob_R
04-11-2004, 09:10 PM
She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde..
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde..
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Bob_R
04-15-2004, 04:07 PM
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART 1 (THE BEGINNING!)


1. What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

2. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

3. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

4. What do you see when the Pillsbury-Dough-Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

5. Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

6. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.

Bob_R
04-15-2004, 04:14 PM
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART 2 (JUST WARMING UP!)

1. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

2. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

3. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

4. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

5. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

6. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

7. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

8. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

9. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

10. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

11. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

12. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

13. What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

14. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

15. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

16. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

17. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

18. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

19. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays,Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Bob_R
04-15-2004, 04:19 PM
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART 3 (CRUISING NOW!)

1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your boat"

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

3. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

4. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is
flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

5. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage along with.. "A recipe".

6. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say
the "F" word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell
BINGO!

7. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and
a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

8. My, my, how times have changed.
Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man,
we calle It the Ku Klux Klan.
Today they call it the PGA TOUR

Bob_R
04-23-2004, 11:16 PM
A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?" The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you,
I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in
about 10, and we'll get you started."

The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me
to come at 10?" "Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that.

smaz
04-30-2004, 05:27 AM
A woman came home one night and said to her husband
"The doctor said i have the boobs and an ass of an 18 year old".
Her husband said
"What did he say about your 40 year old c**t?"
She replied "He didnt mention you!"

FORD
04-30-2004, 07:43 PM
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?



Pentecostal: 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: ?
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined.

Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish:
What's a light bulb?

DaveIsKing
04-30-2004, 09:08 PM
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD??

David Lee Roth- " Cuz the chicken knows I'm better'n he is."

Dan
04-30-2004, 09:19 PM
Why does the Queen not have her pussy on a stamp,would you lick it.

FORD
05-01-2004, 01:15 AM
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Catholic priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a Methodist minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

MAX
05-01-2004, 02:03 AM
Originally posted by FORD
Mormons: 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.


LOL!!! Pretty good joke. However, Mormons aren't Christian by any means.

thefive
05-01-2004, 02:25 AM
Originally posted by MAX
LOL!!! Pretty good joke. However, Mormons aren't Christian by any means.

Ain't that the truth.
You have knowledge Max.

thefive
05-01-2004, 02:26 AM
What is the definition of a liberal?






A person who hasn't been mugged yet.

Jano
05-01-2004, 08:51 AM
What's the difference between Sammy and a french poodle?
-Both have the same haircutt but only the poodle can lick his nuts!

DavidLeeNatra
05-01-2004, 10:02 AM
diamond david lee roth comes to heaven and an angel shows him his clowd where he would live from now on. it's a very huge and luxury clowd with several rooms, pool, sauna, carport with a ferrari GTO spider... just everything you could whish for... dave thinks "great" enters the bedroom an there is the ugliest woman sitting on his bed you could imagine...dave gets back to the angel kindly saying someting like "well, there must be a little mistake here..."
"no" replies the angel, "you've had a very sinful life and now you have to pay for your sins"
dave takes the woman into the ferrari to drive around (just to have her out of the bedroom) and there comes a mercedes with the most beautyful women you could imagíne...and near that hot chicks sits...sammy hagar...smiling at dave...
dave angrily rushes back to the angel and says "what the fuck...I get this bitch here to pay for my sins and sam hagar gets this hot stuff???"
"well" the angel replies "SHE has to pay for her sins, too..."

DavidLeeNatra
05-03-2004, 08:43 AM
hey...was that the ultimate joke :D ???

Bob_R
05-05-2004, 02:54 PM
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and
began designing and building improvements. After a
while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning,
escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
there's no telling what this engineer is going to come
up with next."

God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the
first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on
the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll
sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just
where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

S.P.G
05-08-2004, 10:04 AM
Elton john goes to a tattooist and says:
'I'd like a car tattooed on my cock!'

Tattooist looks confused and replies:
'Well, what kind of car would you like? a convertible? a hatch back?'

Elton replies:
'better make it a 4x4
cos its got a lot of shit to get through'

secrets
05-13-2004, 07:51 PM
How come there aren't any lines painted on the road outside Elton John's house?


Well, would you want to bend over to paint them?:D

secrets
05-13-2004, 08:11 PM
A man goes to see his Doctor because he has a problem with his sight.

The first thing the Doctor says to him is, "You'll have to stop masturbating!"

"Why?" says the man. "Will it make me go blind?"

"No." says the Doctor. "But you're upsetting alot of the people in the waiting room."

:baaa:

Rubnose
05-18-2004, 12:18 AM
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crummy!!!!

Bwaaaa-haaaa-haaaaa!!!!!!

Oh. Never mind.

Bob_R
05-19-2004, 10:02 AM
Subject: Three men and their wives

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their
new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Missouri. He bragged that he
had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house clean all
that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from West Virginia . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told his buddies that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day,his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a woman from New York. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see
anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye.

lms
05-19-2004, 10:54 AM
Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked, "Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, a hunter shoots one. How many are left?" "None," he says "if ones shot the others would fly away." "Actually", said the teacher "the answer was two, but I like the way you think." The next day Johnny walks over to his teacher in the cafeteria and asks, "Do you see those three women over there on the bench? Which one isn't married, the one eating the cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a popsicle?" "Hmm, the one sucking on a popsicle?", the teacher asks" "Actually" said Timmy " it was the one without a wedding ring, but I like the way you think".

Bob_R
05-19-2004, 12:36 PM
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady,was nervous
so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't." "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them in to
boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five
minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst
out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

secrets
05-19-2004, 06:46 PM
A young manager who has little experience, is told by his superiors that the company needs to make some cut backs, in other words he needs to lay off one member of staff. He has two people in mind, since they are both new members of staff; Jack an office clerk and Sarah who is a part-time secretary. He decides whichever one of them comes in first that morning will be told the bad news. As it happens, on that morning it's Sarah who comes in first and the manager asks her to come into his office.

"Sarah I have something I have to say to you." He says nervously "And this is quite difficult for me, because I've never done this before. But.....I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

"Well if you don't mind" She says, "I'd rather you jacked off because I have a headache."

Dan
05-19-2004, 08:48 PM
What worse than finding a worm in your apple,A vein in your hotdog.

Bob_R
05-24-2004, 08:42 PM
"Wisdom has 2 parts: 1) having a lot to say, and 2) not saying it"


The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House", by
the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to
know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going
to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The fucking funeral director," said his wife.

Bob_R
05-28-2004, 02:44 PM
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their
best to rain on your parade.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further." I know that place. "Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city!
The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So,
whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the
woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

Bob_R
05-31-2004, 03:52 PM
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without a second thought.

Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.

Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign
next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the hig! hway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the
large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it
shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!



Have a Blessed Day, Stay Strong and Stay Safe.

Bob_R
06-01-2004, 07:39 PM
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-paned, energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work
had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what this fast talking sales guy had told me last year......that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I
haven't heard back.

Guess who won that stupid argument.

lms
06-02-2004, 01:53 PM
Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!"

Bob_R
06-02-2004, 08:54 PM
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really
needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign
for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary
arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and
it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed but Finkelstein
brushed him off. "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge!

However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor."

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His
Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses. A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the
crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said:

"Jesus,

Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a
partnership?"


"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."


"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I
am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.


A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop...


Can you guess what it read??


Are you sure you want to know?


Here it comes...

Don't say you weren't warned......


LORD & TAYLOR

Bob_R
06-08-2004, 01:43 PM
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do is stuff.
As the Amazing Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most
stage hypnotists who invite two or three people onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. It was a family heirloom and
greatly treasured.

He instructed the crowd, "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch." He swung the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch. ..."

The crowd became mesmerized as hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Bob_R
06-08-2004, 01:45 PM
In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an very old Jewish
man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day,
everyday, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned
to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming
to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all
the hatred to stop and I pray for our children to grow up in
safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall.

Ozzy Fudd
06-10-2004, 12:50 PM
A lawyer, and dentist and a Harley man were sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office.
The lawyer finally broke the silence and said: "Me and the wife just had an anniversary. I bought her a diamond necklace and a Jaguar. If she doesn't like the necklace, at least she can drive around in the car."

"Hmm," said the dentist, "my wife and I had our anniversary last month, and I got her a mink coat and a yacht. If she doesn't like the coat, at least she can have parties on the yacht."

"Yup," says the Biker, "we have our anniversary coming up next month, and I'll be getting her a T-shirt and a dildo. If she doesn't like the shirt, she can go fuck herself."

Ozzy Fudd
06-10-2004, 01:51 PM
>
> The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief
> Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino.
> After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and
> there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to
> his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.
>
> Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"
>
> Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."
>
> The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him
> mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"
>
> Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."

Bob_R
06-11-2004, 11:26 AM
Marriage Made In Heaven
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into
a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at
the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter
and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and
tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the
couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and
that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a
priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

Bob_R
06-12-2004, 03:39 PM
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." The dog replies. "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals." "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap."

BIGBADZERO
06-13-2004, 12:56 PM
What does a hooker and a gas station have in common?

You always have to pay before you pump.

lms
06-15-2004, 05:10 PM
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe
nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says,
"Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it goin'?"
Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around,
faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,
"Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your
place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't
matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out
of college. I just flat-ass love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a
lawyer, too! What firm are you with"?

lms
06-15-2004, 05:13 PM
Greeting Cards

You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....

(inside) i'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

When we first got together, you said you would die for me...

(inside) now that we've broken up I think its time to make good on your pomise.


As the days go buy I think about how lucky I am....

(inside) that you are not here to ruin it for me.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life....

I never believed in hell till I met you.

Ozzy Fudd
06-15-2004, 05:47 PM
I finally made that big purchase i always wanted to do......


Yup i filled up both gas tanks on my cars :D .

lms
06-15-2004, 06:16 PM
too true to be funny...

Bob_R
06-17-2004, 10:58 AM
The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as
possible for her college class and the instructions were that it had to
Discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.

JCOOK
06-17-2004, 12:03 PM
HERE IS YOUR DILEMMA-
YOU HAVE SAMMY HAGAR, A CHILD MOLESTER AND A RAPIST
YOU HAVE ONE GUN BUT ONLY TWO BULLETTS. WHAT DO YOU DO?

ANSWER: SHOOT SAMMY IN THE HEAD-TWICE!

Katydid
06-17-2004, 12:42 PM
A guy from Neill Grading, Hickory, NC was feeing older, and his performance with the women had dropped drastically. So he went to the doctor who gave him a check up and told him the usual, " You are tired and run down from working on heavy equipment out in all kinds of weather. Plus the fact that you are not that far from retirement.; this perhaps makes you feel older. Men you age tend to all have a diminished sex drive."

So the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, you told me that last checkup. This check up I want some of that Viagra I've been hearing about."

Dr. gave him the Viagra and he bragged to his buds, "I'll go out this weekend and let ya know the results!" Monday rolled around and other guys had to ask, "Well... how did the Viagra work?"

"Well, I met someone at the Country Music Bar, she couldn't resist my line. We went to her place. We were so horney that we began shedding clothes at the door. Soon I was where I wanted to be, although it didn't last long. After it was over I remarked how good it was... All she could say was, "Well, it would have been better if you'd given me time to take my pantyhose off!"

Bob_R
06-17-2004, 12:44 PM
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home.
One day he went into the nurses office and informed Nurse
Jones that his penis had died. She realized that he was
old and forgetful and decided to humor him, "It did?
I'm sorry to hear that",she replied. Two days later
Mr. Smith was walking down the halls of the nursing
home with his penis hanging outside of his pants.
Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith! I thought
you said your penis died!?" "It did", he replied,
"Today's the viewing!"

Bob_R
06-17-2004, 12:46 PM
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword
fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from some bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Bob_R
06-17-2004, 04:57 PM
DOT

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion. The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington. When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in Florida.

Bob_R
06-21-2004, 12:06 PM
A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T. O. T.
Knowing that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she
cautiously asked, "Can someone explain what T. O. T. means?"
Mary in the front row raised her hand to explain, "It means "To Our
Teacher."

The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than
the day before. This time there is a tag with T. O. T. W. L. written on it. She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves his hand to explain, "That means "To Our Teacher With Love".

The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on
her desk with a tag saying "F. U. C. K." Her jaw drops and she screams, "Who can explain this?" Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, That means "From Us Colored kids!"

Bob_R
06-21-2004, 12:07 PM
Two prostitutes were riding around town
with a sign on top of their car which said:

"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign,
stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign
or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer,
"How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different,"
the officer smiled . . .
"Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned
as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer
in the area when he noticed the two ladies
driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest,
he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

Bob_R
06-21-2004, 12:09 PM
GIVE ME A SENSE OF HUMOR, LORD


There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

Ozzy Fudd
06-27-2004, 09:22 PM
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air.


She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"


The driver of a nearby car, (blonde), gave me a strange look and said.


"Why don't you just put it in park?"

Bob_R
06-27-2004, 10:11 PM
THE CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

Bob_R
06-28-2004, 11:58 AM
NEWLY WEDS:

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
partywith his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The
wife said "You want a beer, my love?". She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, Ireland, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long,

I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in the blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?

..."LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD***N FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER F**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE! ..... GOT IT, A$$HOLE?"

.........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet
story?

Bob_R
06-28-2004, 12:00 PM
Sperm Count


An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"


The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."

SoCalChelle
07-08-2004, 12:28 AM
"A female lawyer in Seattle is in trouble for having sex in jail with her client who is a murderer. How creepy is that? Sex with a lawyer . . .

- Jay Leno

Bob_R
07-08-2004, 01:11 PM
During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, "The Bible covers everything. I challenge anyone to name a subject I can't find in the Good Book."

A woman in a back pew raised her hand and asks, "What about PMS?"
Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the Bible before exclaiming, "Oh here it is: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.'"

Bob_R
07-08-2004, 01:12 PM
Don't Laugh

Bob went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're
going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over 20
years, I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Bobby said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the
doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later, he was able to
struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a
doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to
be the problem?"
"It's swollen."

secrets
07-10-2004, 05:35 PM
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant. He orders rice and chicken. When the meal arrives he notices some lice on the table and comments to the waiter. "This is lice".
The waiter smiles and nods his head. "Yeah lice n'chicken." He says and walks away in a hurry.

The man ignores the lice and tries the chicken. It is tough and chewy. He calls the waiter again. "Waiter this chicken is rubbery" he says.
The waiter smiles and says "Oh fank yu vey much sir".

Bob_R
07-12-2004, 11:48 PM
A Retiree's Story

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for
Social
Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my
wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me"
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your
pants.
You might have gotten disability too."

Bob_R
07-13-2004, 03:37 PM
A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the shit out of him.

Bob_R
07-15-2004, 08:12 PM
That's why we have the camel, sir."

The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the irish do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

Bob_R
07-17-2004, 01:11 PM
Just in case you thought the world was full of intelligent people. This
proves otherwise. This is why it is important to use common sense!

Customer service!!!

Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die......... This
is just so priceless....and so easy to see happening, customer service
being what it is....

My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and
March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had
been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report
her to the credit bureau... maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "excuse me?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her
being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets
on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: "... (stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
(After they get the fax)

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

Citibank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her... I suppose ...don't really think she will care.... "

Citibank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply. "

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address? "

Citibank: "That might help. "

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (address and plot number given. )

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery! "

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

Ozzy Fudd
07-17-2004, 07:30 PM
Big Gorilla
Two gay guys were at the zoo. After seeing the
size of the schlong on the male Gorilla, one of the
men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached
into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him,
dragged him into the cage and screwed him for
six hours nonstop. When he was done, the gorilla
threw the gay man back out of the cage.
An ambulance was called and the man was taken
away to the hospital.
The next day his friend visits him in the hospital
and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he
shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't
called, he hasn't written...""

guwapo_rocker
07-17-2004, 07:34 PM
Originally posted by Ozzy Fudd
Big Gorilla
Two gay guys were at the zoo. After seeing the
size of the schlong on the male Gorilla, one of the
men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached
into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him,
dragged him into the cage and screwed him for
six hours nonstop. When he was done, the gorilla
threw the gay man back out of the cage.
An ambulance was called and the man was taken
away to the hospital.
The next day his friend visits him in the hospital
and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he
shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't
called, he hasn't written...""

Kid Vegas....used again poor sheep!!:D

Bob_R
08-01-2004, 02:49 PM
**** This is Ozzy Fudd's joke ****
**** He couldn't find this thread ****
**** Just being of assitance ****


Subject: Good old Wal Mart


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him," My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten
seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

"Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

"Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

Davidsgrl
08-03-2004, 03:33 PM
Three men - a white man, a black man and a Chinese man- bet each other 1,000,000 to stay in a haunted house. So, in the middle of the first night, the Chinese man heres someone saying,"I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna eatcha". He jumps out the window screaming. The white man gets up, and he hears the same thing. He runs yelling out the door. The black man gets up and hears the same thing. He follows the voice to a closet. He slowly opens the door. He doesn't see anything, so he looks down. (Let suspence build.) He sees a little boy with his finger up his nose saying, "I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna eatcha.":p :D :lol: :baaa: :guitar:

Davidsgrl
08-03-2004, 03:52 PM
There's a Chinese guy, a black guy and a white guy. The Chinese guy tells the others about a magical rock. He says that if you jump off it, you turn into whatever you shout out. The white guy jumps off and says,"Wolf!", and he promptly turns into a wolf and runs off. The Chinese guy jumps off and yells,"Eagle!", and he soars into the sky. The black guy gets up, trips, and says," Oh, shit!", and he promptly turns into a pile of shit.:p :) :D

Davidsgrl
08-03-2004, 03:59 PM
Three blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.:baaa: :smoke2: :rockit2:

Davidsgrl
08-03-2004, 04:12 PM
A blonde, a brunette and a red-head are kidnapped by terroists. The brunette is going to be shot first. So, all the men line up as their leader yells,"Ready, aim..." At the last second, the brunette screams," Tornado!". Everyone scatters, and she gets away. The red-head is next, and the leader again sounds his call. At the last possible moment, th red-head screams, "Tidal Wave!" Everyone scatters and she gets away. The blonde is last, and for the last time the leader barks out his instructions. At the last instant, she lets go a yowl consisting of one word-"FIRE".:bananna: :drive: :killer:

Davidsgrl
08-03-2004, 04:35 PM
It's the 75th day of school. Three boys and a new girl are missing from Mrs. Owens third grade class. The first boy comes in the teacher asks him why he is late. He says, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." The teacher automatically thinks of the hill just outside of the school. She says,"Okay. We're in the math book, page 13." The second boy comes in and gives the same excuse. The teacher again is reminded of that specific hill. She answers,"Okay. We're in the language arts book, page 69." The third boy comes in and offers the teacher the samestatement. She thinks that the boys must have been playing tag on the hill. She replies,"Okay. We're in the science book, page 666." The new girl comes in. Mrs. Owens introduces herself and asks the girl for her name. The girl promptly replies," I'm Cherry Hill.":sex: :eatit: :sperm: :splooge:

Davidsgrl
08-03-2004, 11:26 PM
A man goes to his doctor. He is told he has a tapeworm, and that his treatment will start next week on Tuesday. So, the man goes in. On a tray there is a cookie, an apple and a carrot. The doctor comes in, and tells the man to drop his pants. The doctor shoves the cookie, the apple and the carrot up the man's butt. The man comes in the next week, and the same procedure transgresses. The man starts to wonder if his doctor is a pervert or one of the like, but he still goes in for his third "treatment". This time, however, instead of a cookie, there is a hammer. The doctor comes in, shoves the carrot and the apple up, and stands back. The tapeworm jumps out of the man's mouth and says,"Hey! Where's my cookie?" just before the doctor smashes it with the hammer.:argh: :heyfu:

Ozzy Fudd
08-05-2004, 11:27 PM
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled.
"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she
yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could
only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she
yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other
girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to
reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No .... it's because you're 25."

Ally_Kat
08-05-2004, 11:57 PM
These two muffins are sitting in an oven. The one muffin turns to the other and says, "we better get out of this oven before we get cooked alive!" The other muffin looks at the other and screams, "HOLY SHIT! A talking muffin!"

Ally_Kat
08-05-2004, 11:59 PM
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted. :D

Mr Badguy
08-06-2004, 08:46 PM
Anyone done this yet?

What`s the difference between a wank and an egg?

You can beat an egg!

Mr Badguy
08-06-2004, 08:47 PM
What`s the difference between light an hard?

You can get to sleep with a light on.

Northern Girl
08-09-2004, 02:21 PM
The dangers of drinking.

http://www.sydes.net/jokes/flash/beer.swf

Ozzy Fudd
08-18-2004, 08:53 PM
Why you don't send your wife to Home Depot:



Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Louise
saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob,
the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished,
Louise asked how much for the teapot. Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and
it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Louise exclaimed. Then she
proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob
went to the back room to find it. From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "
Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

To which Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

ashstralia
08-18-2004, 10:13 PM
a dyslexic walks into a bra.

did you hear about the dyslexic
devil worshipper?

he sold his soul to santa.

Big Troubles
08-18-2004, 10:35 PM
Nice. :D

Ozzy Fudd
08-19-2004, 11:25 AM
-Jay Leno "Bill Clinton is everywhere now promoting his new book. I believe the last time Clinton did a media blitz like this it was to deny everything that's in this book."

-David Letterman "Bill Clinton's book went on sale today at long last. Earlier today hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton. When asked if she minded the rain, one woman said, 'I'm meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.'"

-Conan O'Brien "I just read Bill Clinton's book. Hundreds of affairs, thousands of lies, lawsuits, subpoenas and then I got to page two."

-Craig Kilborn "Former President Clinton is everywhere right now. Earlier today Oprah Winfrey asked Bill Clinton if he has talked to Monica Lewinsky since the affair. Clinton responded, 'Are you kidding? I didn't talk to her during the affair.'"

-Conan O'Brien "A thousand people waited in line for an autographed copy of Bill Clinton's book. There was pushing, there was shoving, there was groping and that's just when Bill signed your book."

-Craig Kilborn "I loved it when Bill Clinton told Dan Rather the worst day of his life was the day he told Hillary the truth. Well, of course, it was. The first time you try anything, it's always going to be difficult."

ashstralia
08-19-2004, 11:57 AM
'I'm meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.'"

he he he
hahaha

Ozzy Fudd
08-19-2004, 11:33 PM
> > Brain Cramps
> >
> > Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
> > Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but
we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
> > --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
> >
> > ``````````````````````````````````
> > "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not
with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
> >
> > ```````````
> > "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign.
> >
> > `````````````````````````````````````````````````
> > "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
> >
> > `````````````````````````````````````````````
> >
> > "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in
> > the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
> >
> > `````````````````````````````
> >
> > "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents.
> >
> > `````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``
> >
> > "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
> >
> > ````````````````````````````
> >
> > "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies
manager, Danny Ozark
> >
> > ``````````````````````````````````
> >
> > "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
> >
> > ```````````````````
> > "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
> >
> > ``````````
> >
> > "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
need?"--Lee Iacocca
> >
> > ```````````
> > "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
> > Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports
analyst.
> >
> > ````````````````````````````````````````````
> > "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
> > --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
> >
> > `````````````````````````````````
> > "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton,
President
> >
> > ``````````````````
> > "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
> > --Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)
> >
> > ````````````````
> > "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
> > --Keppel Enderbery
> >
> > ``````````````````````
> > "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if
there is a change in your circumstances."
> > --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
> >
> > ````````````````````````````````````````````
> > "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they
> > go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
> > next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S.
Fowler, FCC Chairman
> >
> > ````````````````````````
> >
> > ....Feeling smarter yet?
> >
> > Send it on to your other brilliant friends,
> > like I am doing!!

DrGrafenberg
08-25-2004, 01:04 PM
A man walks into a bar and spies a beautiful lady sitting at a table, all on her own.
He walks over to her and says, “I don’t half fancy you love! I wouldn’t mind sucking your nipples ‘til they’re red raw!”
With a look of disgust on her face she replies, “My husband is in the toilet and when he comes out he’ll batter you!”
“That don’t scare me,” says the man. “In fact, what I’d like to do to you next is… flip you over on this table and give you one from behind!”
“Ooh you horrible man! When my husband comes back your in for it! He’s a black belt in Karate,” Warns the women.
Not bothered by the news, the man says “What I’d like to do to you next is flip you back over on the table, fill your Fanny full of beer and drink it out with a straw!”
“You pervert!” shouts the women “my husbands gonna kill you!”
The man turns and strolls over to the bar to get a drink.
The husband returns to the table to find his wife in a state of distress.
“What’s the matter? Love” enquires the husband.
“This chap has walked in and said he wouldn’t mind sucking my nipples ‘til they’re red raw!” Explains the wife.
“Which chap? Point him out!” says the husband
“Wait!” she says. “It gets worse, he then said he wants to flip me over on the table and give me one from behind”
“Fucking hell! Hold my jacket, I’ll fucking kill him!” fumes the husband
“Wait” she says. “It gets worse, he then said he wants to flip me back over on the table, fill my Fanny full of beer and drink it out with a straw!”
There is a silent pause and the husband puts his jacket back on and sits down at the table.
“Aren’t you gonna sort him out?” Enquires the wife. To which the husband replies
“Fuck me! I’m not tackling anyone who can drink THAT much!”

DrGrafenberg
08-25-2004, 01:25 PM
I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word...
She said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house…
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.




Moral: Always keep your condoms in your car!

DrGrafenberg
08-25-2004, 01:33 PM
Father & son are sitting in the living room on a Sunday afternoon
Dad is reading the Sunday papers while the young lad is busy playing with his train set.
The train goes around the track & pulls into the station
“any you fuckers wanna get on?…get on!”
“any you fuckers wanna get off?…get off!”
Says the youngster
The Father peers around his paper not quite sure that he heard him right, so he lets it go. A few minutes later the train pulls into the station again
“any you fuckers wanna get on?…get on!”
“any you fuckers wanna get off?…get off!”
Says the youngster
This time the Dad is sure he heard him correctly, he leads the lad by the ear off up to his bedroom, gives him a stern telling off & tells him “No supper for you tonight”
The Father goes back down to read his paper…
About an Hour goes by & all the time the lad has been loudly crying his eyes out
The Father begins to feel guilty so he lets the lad come back down, at which the youngster jumps straight back onto the train set.
The train pulls into the station…
“any you fuckers wanna get on?…get on!”
“any you fuckers wanna get off?..get off!”
“And if any of you fuckers wanna know why you’re an Hour late?…ask THAT cunt!”

lms
08-26-2004, 03:15 PM
Lawyer And Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Bob_R
08-28-2004, 09:53 AM
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told
him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later,
when I was about three blocks fro m the store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting
for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the
floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which
made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got back to answer it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermom eter...and believe me mister, as God is my witness,
all I did was tell her!"

Bob_R
08-30-2004, 09:22 AM
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know
you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and
frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney? "She
again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigotted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst
in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail
for contempt."

lms
09-01-2004, 11:00 AM
David was in his 4th grade class when the
teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living. All the typical answers came up-fireman,
policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the
teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and
takes off his clothes in front of other men and
they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the
offer is really good, he goes home with some guy
and makes love with him for money. "

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,
hurriedly set the other children to work on some
other work while she took little David aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Democratic
National Committee to elect John Kerry, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids..."

DrGrafenberg
09-01-2004, 12:11 PM
Three Van Hagar fans & a DLR fan are put before a firing squad.
You all have one wish before your shot! They are told,
The first Van Hagar stands up and says “I wanna hear the whole of 5150 at full volume before I die”
The second Van Hagar stands up and says “I wanna hear the whole of OU812 at full volume before I die”
The third Van Hagar stands up and says “I wanna hear the whole of For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge at full volume before I die”
The Dave Lee Roth fan stands up and says “ I wanna be shot first”

Northern Girl
09-01-2004, 02:19 PM
1

Northern Girl
09-01-2004, 02:19 PM
2

Northern Girl
09-01-2004, 02:20 PM
3

Northern Girl
09-01-2004, 02:21 PM
4

Northern Girl
09-01-2004, 02:22 PM
5

Northern Girl
09-01-2004, 02:23 PM
6

Northern Girl
09-01-2004, 02:23 PM
7

Northern Girl
09-01-2004, 02:27 PM
8

Northern Girl
09-01-2004, 02:28 PM
joke or not?

DLRdelight!
09-01-2004, 02:32 PM
Hahahaa some real funny pictures

SweetSecrets
09-01-2004, 09:46 PM
SWEET SECRET'S DIRTY JOKE:

Cinderella is a whore. She is totally screwing like every guy in the village.

Her fairy god mother is continuously telling her to quit being so promiscuous, but Cinderalla simply fails to do as her fairy god mother says. Instead, she just keeps screwing every man in the village.

Finally, one day, the fairy god mother floats down to warn Cinderalla for the last time that she must stop this! She says, "You are suppossed to be a humble and innocent girl awaiting her prince, not some slut who deliberately bends over so that everyone can see what floors and whose floors she's scrubbing!"

Once again, however, Cinderella refuses to deny her sexual addictions. This time, the fairy god mother floats down to her and says, "All right! That's it!" Then, with the wave of her wand, she turns Cinderella's pussy into a pumpkin!

Following the new vegtebalized sex change, Cinderalla was so depressed. She was the epitomy of "sexually frustrated"! She couldn't even get herself off because she didn't even know where to start! Her pussy was just this big orange pumpkin!

She moped around the village for months, sadly having to turn down the local townsmen's offers.

The fairy god mother was so happy! Finally she was starting to straighten Cinderalla out!

Well everything seemed to be working out perfectly as the fairy god mother planned....until....

she floated down one day to visit Cinderalla, and Cinderalla was acting very giddy and smiley. The fairy god mother hadn't seen Cinderalla act that way since before her pussy had been transformed into a pumpkin.

The fairy god mother asked, "Why on earth could you be so happy all of a sudden? I mean, you have a pumpkin for a pussy!"

Cinderalla replied, "Oh!! It is just so wonderful! I met this really great guy! His name is Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater!"

Ally_Kat
09-03-2004, 05:33 PM
Neutron: I lost an electron.

Detective: Are you sure?

Neutron: I'm positive.

Panamark
09-04-2004, 06:54 AM
Originally posted by SweetSecrets
SWEET SECRET'S DIRTY JOKE:

Cinderella is a whore. She is totally screwing like every guy in the village.

Her fairy god mother is continuously telling her to quit being so promiscuous, but Cinderalla simply fails to do as her fairy god mother says. Instead, she just keeps screwing every man in the village.

Finally, one day, the fairy god mother floats down to warn Cinderalla for the last time that she must stop this! She says, "You are suppossed to be a humble and innocent girl awaiting her prince, not some slut who deliberately bends over so that everyone can see what floors and whose floors she's scrubbing!"

Once again, however, Cinderella refuses to deny her sexual addictions. This time, the fairy god mother floats down to her and says, "All right! That's it!" Then, with the wave of her wand, she turns Cinderella's pussy into a pumpkin!

Following the new vegtebalized sex change, Cinderalla was so depressed. She was the epitomy of "sexually frustrated"! She couldn't even get herself off because she didn't even know where to start! Her pussy was just this big orange pumpkin!

She moped around the village for months, sadly having to turn down the local townsmen's offers.

The fairy god mother was so happy! Finally she was starting to straighten Cinderalla out!

Well everything seemed to be working out perfectly as the fairy god mother planned....until....

she floated down one day to visit Cinderalla, and Cinderalla was acting very giddy and smiley. The fairy god mother hadn't seen Cinderalla act that way since before her pussy had been transformed into a pumpkin.

The fairy god mother asked, "Why on earth could you be so happy all of a sudden? I mean, you have a pumpkin for a pussy!"

Cinderalla replied, "Oh!! It is just so wonderful! I met this really great guy! His name is Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater!"

What a relationship !!! :)

Perfect, If I recall the other rythme, wasnt it,

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater,
Had a wife but couldnt eat her ?

Sounds like win-win all around to me :D

lms2
09-04-2004, 09:27 AM
Okay, its not a nursery rhyme, but its the best I could find...

Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When i think of you
I get horny,
Eat me,
Beat me,
Bite me,
Blow me,
Suck me,
Fuck me,
Very slowly,
when you kiss me,
dont be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty!!

Ozzy Fudd
09-08-2004, 02:37 PM
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew without moving. Satan walked up to the man
and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the
man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still
not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little
perturbed, Satan asked, "Wh! y aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Ozzy Fudd
09-13-2004, 10:16 PM
Blonde enters a store that sell curtains.
She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair
of pink curtains".

The salesman assured her that they had a large
selection of pink curtains. He showed her several
patterns, but the blond seemed to be having a hard
time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink
floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.
The blond replies "fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds
very small, what room are they for?"
The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they
are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman
replies, "but, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo........ I've got
Windows!!!"

Ozzy Fudd
09-14-2004, 11:14 PM
Subject: Misunderstanding -
>A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over
>
>his mouth. A young nurse appears to wash his hands and feet.
>
>"Nurse...", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
>
>Embarrassed, the young nurse replies: "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
>your hands and feet."
>
>He struggles again and asks the nurse again:"are my testicles black?"
>Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one
>hand and his testicles in the other, takes a close look and says there's
>nothing wrong with them.....
>"Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies: "That was very nice
>what you just did......but please...... for the last time......
>
>Are-my-test-results-back ! ! ! ?"

lms2
09-16-2004, 09:49 PM
Following a particulary stressful morning routine, a young man and his beautiful wife finally found a moments peace on the elevator when leaving for work. The young man looks into his wife's eyes, and smiles sweetly. TGIF. The wife just glares at him. SHIT. Awww honey, lighten up, TGIF, he says, smiling again. No, SHIT, she insists. He says, but honey, Thank God Its Friday! No, she insists, Sorry Honey, Its Thursday.

Ever have one of them days?

Ozzy Fudd
09-16-2004, 10:22 PM
Originally posted by lms2
Following a particulary stressful morning routine, a young man and his beautiful wife finally found a moments peace on the elevator when leaving for work. The young man looks into his wife's eyes, and smiles sweetly. TGIF. The wife just glares at him. SHIT. Awww honey, lighten up, TGIF, he says, smiling again. No, SHIT, she insists. He says, but honey, Thank God Its Friday! No, she insists, Sorry Honey, Its Thursday.

Ever have one of them days?

i'm gonna copy this and put it on my computer at work this is a good one:D

Bob_R
09-18-2004, 05:34 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years'?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said....."I would have gotten out today."

DrGrafenberg
09-19-2004, 05:07 AM
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

lms2
09-20-2004, 01:23 AM
There was three nuns who died and went to purgatory(between heaven and hell). Then ST. Peter went up to them and said, "before any of you can enter heaven you must answer one question".

So ST. Peter went to the first nun and asked, "how long did it take for God to create the world?" the nun replied, "seven days". So there was bells ringing and fireworks, and ST. Peter said, "you may now enter heaven".

Then ST. Peter ask the second nun, "who were the first man and woman"? the nun replied, "Adam & Eve". so there was bells ringing and fireworks, and ST. Peter said, "you may now enter heaven".

Then he asked the third nun, "what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" and the nun said, "oh my that's really hard", then there was bells ringing and fireworks

lms2
09-20-2004, 01:25 AM
The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

diamondsgirl
09-20-2004, 10:25 PM
Why do men pee standing up?


God was just about done creating man, but he had two
things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was
wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It
seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went
like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over
the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote
his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he
could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with
delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck
with the last thing I have left.

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains", said God.

:D

diamondsgirl
09-20-2004, 10:27 PM
Originally posted by DrGrafenberg
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"
LOL..:D

sambo
09-21-2004, 12:01 AM
Stevie Wonder has just finished a sell-out concert in Japan and after the applause has died down he asks the crowd if there's anything they'd like him to play.

This little Japanese man at the front is jumping up and down, shouting
and waving his arms like a madman and Stevie asks him what he'd like him to play.

The little Japanese man shouts "Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord"
so Stevie belts out a 2 minute solo in F minor on his piano and the crowd are in raptures.

"No, No" he shouts "play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A little
bit bemused Stevie does a 3 minute impromptu in A major and gets the crowd rocking.

The little fella shouts "No, No, I want you to play a jazz chord".

Stevie gives in and says "how does that go then?" To which he
replies.....

(Wait for it)









(in your best Japanese accent)

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"

lms2
09-21-2004, 12:59 AM
things you would like to say at work... or other places. ;)

1. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
5. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
9. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

lms2
09-21-2004, 01:36 AM
You might be addicted to the internet if...

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.


Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.


Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.


You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.


You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"


Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.


You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.


Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.


All of your friends have an @ in their names.


When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.


Your dog has its own home page.


You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.


You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.


Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.


You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.


You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.


Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months


You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.


You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.


You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.


Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."


You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."


You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.


The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.


You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.


Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.


As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

sambo
09-21-2004, 04:34 AM
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

diamondsgirl
09-21-2004, 08:39 AM
Originally posted by lms2
things you would like to say at work... or other places. ;)

1. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
5. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
9. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

awesome, lms, funny shit!:D

sambo
09-21-2004, 08:35 PM
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

rustoffa
09-21-2004, 10:13 PM
What do you do after raping a blind, deaf, and dumb girl?

Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

(all apologies to the threads that inspired it)

sambo
09-22-2004, 12:48 AM
How fights are started..

sambo
09-22-2004, 08:38 PM
The Tong Master


The Tong-Master Steve was at the barbecue and Joel was at the barbecue and I was at the barbecue; three men standing around a barbecue, sipping beer, staring at sausages, rolling them backwards and forwards, never leaving them alone. We didn't know why we were at the barbecue; we were just drawn there like moths to a flame. The barbecue was a powerful gravitational force, a man-magnet.

Joel said the thin ones could use a turn, I said yeah I reckon the thin ones could use a turn, Steve said yeah they really need a turn it was a unanimous turning decision. Steve was the Tong-Master, a true artist, he gave a couple of practice snaps of his long silver tongs, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of his wrist, rolling them onto their little backs. A lesser tong-man would've flicked too hard; the sausages would've gone full circle, back to where they started. Nice, I said. The others went yeah.

Kevin was passing us, he heard the siren-song- sizzle of the snags, the barbecue was calling, beckoning, Kevinnnnn ...come. He stuck his head in and said any room? We said yeah and began the barbecue shuffle; Steve shuffled to the left, Joel shuffled to the left, I shuffled to the left, Kevin slipped in beside me, we sipped our beer. Now there were four of us staring at sausages, and Steve gave me the nod, my cue. I was second-in-command, and I had to take the raw sausages out of the plastic bag and lay them on the barbecue; not too close together, not too far apart, curl them into each other's bodies like lovers -fat ones, thin ones, herbed and continental. The chipolatas were tiny, they could easily slip down between the grill, falling into the molten hot-bead-netherworld below. Carefully I laid them sideways ACROSS the grill, clever thinking. Steve snapped his tongs with approval; there was no greater barbecue honour.

P.J. came along, he said looking good, looking good -the irresistible lure of the barbecue had pulled him in too. We said yeah and did the shuffle, left, left, left, left, he slipped in beside Kevin, we sipped our beer. Five men,lots of sausages.

Joel was the Fork-pronger; he had the fork that pronged the tough hides of the Bavarian bratwursts and he showed a lot of promise. Stabbing away eagerly, leaving perfect little vampire holes up and down the casing. P.J. was shaking his head, he said I reckon they cook better if you don't poke them.

There was a long silence, you could have heard a chipolata drop, and this newcomer was a rabble-rouser, bringing in his crazy ideas from outside. He didn't understand the hierarchy; first the Tong-master, then the Sausage-layer, then the Fork-pronger -and everyone below was just a watcher. Maybe eventually they'll move up the ladder, but for now - don't rock the Weber.

Dianne popped her head in; hmmm, smells good, she said. She was trying to jostle into the circle; we closed ranks, pulling our heads down and our shoulders in, mumbling yeah yeah yeah, but making no room for her. She was keen, going round to the far side of the barbecue, heading for the only available space . . . the gap in the circle where all the smoke and ashes blew. Nobody could survive the gap; Dianne was going to try. She stood there stubbornly, smoke blinding her eyes, ashes filling her nostrils, sausage fat spattering all over her arms and face. Until she couldn't take it anymore, she gave up, backed off. Kevin waited till she was gone and sipped his beer. We sipped our beer, yeah.

Steve handed me his tongs. I looked at him and he nodded. I knew what was happening, I'd waited a long time for this moment - the abdication. The tongs weighed heavy in my hands, firm in my grip. Was I ready for the responsibility?

Yes, I was. I held them up high and they glinted in the sun. Don't forget to turn the thin ones Steve said as he walked away from the barbecue, disappearing toward the house. Yeah I called back, I will, I will. I snapped them twice,

SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of my wrist, rolling them back onto their little bellies. I was a natural, I was the TONG-MASTER.

But only until Steve got back from the toilet.

rustoffa
09-23-2004, 12:45 AM
A boy
was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

"What happened?", he asked.

"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"

"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"

"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The SS."

sambo
09-23-2004, 08:20 PM
Secret for longevity

Ozzy Fudd
09-23-2004, 10:16 PM
This could well be the joke of the year..........
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."

sambo
09-23-2004, 10:26 PM
A little boy and girl are standing in the school yard.....

Boy: I've got 5 lollies
Girl: Oh yeah?, I've got 6 lollies
Boy: Well, I've got 25 cents
Girl: So, I've got 50 cents
Boy: (drops pants) Well I've got one of THESE!
Girl: (drops pants) So what, I've got one of THESE, and with one of THESE I can get as many of THOSE as I want!

Ozzy Fudd
09-23-2004, 10:32 PM
A gay couple are having problems in their relationship
the one turns to the other and says Tell me Bob what can i do to make things better he ask's. well says bob if you had more hair on your chest that would be a start. so off trots christopher to his friends house and relates the story . in which he says if you take Wesson Oil and rub a little on your chest for three days you will start to grow hair.
excited and eager to please his lover he puts the oil on . upon the third night bob says to Christopher what the hell is up with all this oil .frantic christopher says i was told if i used oil on my chest i would sprout hair within three days. Bob then laughs and says, if that was so you would have a Pony tail growing out your ass by now.

lms2
09-23-2004, 10:55 PM
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"You know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says,
"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"

Ozzy Fudd
09-26-2004, 10:23 PM
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near
me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feeling and
desires for me. That she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before
I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight
to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and
walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Bob_R
09-27-2004, 10:02 AM
EULOGY



She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Again, her husband died. And alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."



One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"



The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Bob_R
09-27-2004, 10:03 AM
The Human Mind

Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it.



I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

Bob_R
09-27-2004, 10:13 AM
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a
small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to
tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the
course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and
the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon
with two problems: All these years, everything has been
working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many
times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two
annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and
the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at
her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking
about the goatee."

diamondsgirl
09-27-2004, 02:40 PM
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "shhhh...just let the poison work."
:)

Bob_R
09-29-2004, 11:11 AM
A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to
her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything
there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist
asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a
family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells
the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist,
with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at
the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and
is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The
boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and
the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes
and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his
head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and
whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"

MAX
09-29-2004, 04:20 PM
Warning: Don't Step on the Ducks!


Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps
on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she
steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid
eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

lms2
10-01-2004, 09:13 PM
Baby Photographer
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

diamondsgirl
10-04-2004, 11:49 AM
Awesome! :D

diamondsgirl
10-04-2004, 12:59 PM
I saw this at another site and thought it was cute:

You know you are addicted to the internet when:

1. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

2. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

6. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

7. Your cat has its own homepage.

8. You beg your friends to get an AOL account so you can all "hang out."

9. You have your screen name as your license plate.

10. You actually invite large groups of people to your house and have internet parties.

11. You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.

12. You get up in the morning and check your email before going to the bathroom.

13. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.

14. You’re on the phone and say "BRB".

15. Instead of forplay, you ask your spouse if she/he wants to skip the small talk and cyber.

16. You have internet in your bathroom.

18. You get depressed when you check your email and dont have any.

17. You name your dog DotCom.

MAX
10-04-2004, 01:35 PM
DG,

Honey, your PM inbox is full. I can't reply. :( :mad:

diamondsgirl
10-04-2004, 01:57 PM
Originally posted by MAX
DG,

Honey, your PM inbox is full. I can't reply. :( :mad:

OK, Maximus, my box is ready for you. ;)

MAX
10-04-2004, 02:00 PM
Originally posted by diamondsgirl
OK, Maximus, my box is ready for you. ;)

I already came and went!!!! LOL!!! :p ;)

diamondsgirl
10-04-2004, 02:10 PM
Originally posted by MAX
I already came and went!!!! LOL!!! :p ;)

was it good for you? :smoke:

MAX
10-04-2004, 02:18 PM
Originally posted by diamondsgirl
was it good for you? :smoke:

Oh, it's getting there....... ;)

Batter's Up!!!!!! :D :D :D

sambo
10-06-2004, 02:23 AM
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, John started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied,

"Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

sambo
10-06-2004, 02:26 AM
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife "What the hell happened?".

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Well piss on him," answered the husband.

"Actually you did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said the husband.

"I did, and now you go back to work in the morning."

sambo
10-06-2004, 02:30 AM
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,
"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house."

Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account & all the credit cards."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 100 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

diamondsgirl
10-06-2004, 05:34 PM
Seeing as he was the master of jokes...

I get no respect ...

- A tribute to Rodney . (RIP)

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"

"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."

"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."

"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'"

"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."

"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."

"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names — hers and her mother's."

"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."

"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."
.
.
.

:) :D The guy cracked me up :D

diamondsgirl
10-06-2004, 07:28 PM
A young man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only
a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? You're weenie is out in
the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa! What are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last
week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea.."

lms2
10-06-2004, 07:37 PM
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?'

The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.'

The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.'

The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.'

sambo
10-06-2004, 08:23 PM
More Rodney Dangerfield - RIP

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. My girlfriend always wants to talk to me during sex. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

3. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy: "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said: "Because you came home early."

4. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

5. I was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

6. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

7. I was an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend.

8. I'm so ugly ... my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

9. When I was born the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father: "I'm sorry. We did everything we could but he pulled through."

10. I'm so ugly ... my mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.

11. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

12. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said: "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said: "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

13. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

14. I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

15. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

16. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

17. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him: "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

18. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

19. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

20. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap - he was in the electric chair.

21. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!

fe_lung
10-06-2004, 09:27 PM
Two blondes are out stargazing when the first one asks "Which do you think is farther - the moon or florida?"
"Duh!" says the other "you can't even SEE florida from here!"

sambo
10-11-2004, 12:00 AM
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

"Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it 's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky"

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc.

In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

"Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take care, Ricky"

sambo
10-11-2004, 03:27 AM
My missus used to complain about mowing the lawn in the summer heat, so I bought her a Ride-On mower..

diamondsgirl
10-12-2004, 08:47 PM
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."


"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

sambo
10-12-2004, 09:52 PM
Here's a joke..

diamondsgirl
10-13-2004, 11:53 AM
DICTIONARY
FOR WOMEN'S
PERSONAL ADS:



40-ish..........................................49
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking..................................Ugly
Beautiful.........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist.........................................F at
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun..........................................Annoy ing
New-Age.................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned...............................No B.J.'s
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Professional...................................Bit ch
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large frame................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?


MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

sambo
10-15-2004, 03:48 AM
A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "this is the pig I've been shagging".

His wife said "that's not a pig it's a duck!"

Man says "I was talking to the duck!"

Rikk
10-15-2004, 04:35 AM
Originally posted by sambo
A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "this is the pig I've been shagging".

His wife said "that's not a pig it's a duck!"

Man says "I was talking to the duck!"

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

diamondsgirl
10-15-2004, 09:50 AM
Originally posted by sambo
A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "this is the pig I've been shagging".

His wife said "that's not a pig it's a duck!"

Man says "I was talking to the duck!"

Just spit my coffee all over my desk!!! LMAO!

:D

Carmine
10-15-2004, 11:24 AM
A blonde calls her boyfriend one day and says "hey, I need you to come over right away. I am having a very tough time with my new jigsaw puzzle." The boyfriend says " well whats the problem, and what is the puzzle of? The blonde says " its a puzzle of a tiger, and its very hard, I dont know where to begin!. So the boyfriend goes over to her house, the blonde takes him to the table where the puzzle is laid out. The boyfriend takes a look at the puzzle and says " honey, first off, I dont think we will ever be able to make this look like a tiger". Second, go make yourself a cup of coffee and relax a while, when your through, we can put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!

WACF
10-19-2004, 01:25 PM
Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens the floor to questions. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy," he says. "And what is your question, Billy?"


"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.


When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name "Steve, he says" "And what is your question, Steve?"


"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the hell happened to Billy ?

Ozzy Fudd
10-19-2004, 09:11 PM
Originally posted by diamondsgirl
DICTIONARY
FOR WOMEN'S
PERSONAL ADS:



40-ish..........................................49
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking..................................Ugly
Beautiful.........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist.........................................F at
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun..........................................Annoy ing
New-Age.................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned...............................No B.J.'s
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Professional...................................Bit ch
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large frame................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?


MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

So thats what She ment When she told me that she is a Old-fashioned
Athletic type Professional who is Emotionally Secure.

sambo
10-19-2004, 10:47 PM
What's the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during an orgasm.

sambo
10-19-2004, 11:08 PM
A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They are both really depressed. The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed." "What a coincidence!" he said, "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."

So they start talking and they find that they have much in common so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have kinky sex.

When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight, black leather outfit with a whip, handcuffs, a strap-on cock, and a 12 inch studded dildo. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin.

Then she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door. "What's going on?", she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?" He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm all done"

sambo
10-19-2004, 11:42 PM
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance & see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fullfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out.

"My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

sambo
10-21-2004, 02:26 AM
and now for my 500th post...why not a joke..


A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time....and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year....maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, "Fuck You", and I holler back, "Fuck you too."

rustoffa
10-21-2004, 10:06 PM
Why wasn't Jesus born at Cabo Wabo?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
:drive:

Antman
10-22-2004, 10:53 PM
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny

How many queers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Queers don't screw they butt fuck

Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with 5 guys?
She came home with a red snapper

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar?
A flame thrower

i have tons more but can't think of any right now.

Antman
10-22-2004, 11:00 PM
Originally posted by diamondsgirl
Seeing as he was the master of jokes...

I get no respect ...

- A tribute to Rodney . (RIP)

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"

"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."

"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."

"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'"

"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."

"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."

"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names — hers and her mother's."

"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."

"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."
.
.
.

:) :D The guy cracked me up :D

One of all time favorite Rodney quotes: "My wife wanted me to make her scream during sex. So I did. I wiped my dick on the curtains."

I used to love his HBO specials, where I heard that one.

sambo
10-26-2004, 10:55 PM
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

sambo
10-27-2004, 08:19 PM
Friends of women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

Friends of men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them.

lms2
10-31-2004, 02:48 PM
Three guys were sitting in a bar, talking. One was a doctor,
one was a lawyer, and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini,
the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my
wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't
like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she
will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my
last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the
Bahamas. I figured that if she didn't like the pearls, she would at
least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah?
well, for my anniversary, I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator.
I figured that if she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go screw
herself."

lms2
10-31-2004, 02:51 PM
Let's Drink To That

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon.

With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Figs
11-04-2004, 03:29 PM
There were these two fellars standin' on a bridge, a-goin' to the bathroom. One fellar said, "The water's cold" and the other fellar said, "The water's deep". I believe one fella come from Arkansas. Get it?

Northern Girl
11-06-2004, 11:57 AM
How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


> > > > >


***** How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at
her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel,
shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.


If there is anyone among you who did not recognize yourself in these
statements, you're lying like a dog....

scottydabodi
11-06-2004, 08:27 PM
Here's my favorite Yo Momma Joke:

You're Momma's SO FAT, ev'ry time bitch turns around IT'S HER BIRTHDAY!!

scottydabodi
11-06-2004, 08:30 PM
Yo Momma SO FAT, bitch fell in love AND BROKE IT!!

scottydabodi
11-06-2004, 08:36 PM
Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!
Yo momma so fat she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said, "STOP THAT TWINKIE!! "
Yo momma so fat, when she runs she makes the cd played skip, at the radio station!!!
Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, "HEY, KOOL-AID!"
Yo momma fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo momma is so fat her waist size is equator!
Yo momma so fat she went bungee jumping and went strait to hell!
Yo momma so fat shes on both side of the family.
Yo momma so fat when she walks around in Texas in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!
Yo momma so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ole ass over!
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

Sarge's Little Helper
11-06-2004, 08:36 PM
Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!
Yo momma so fat she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said, "STOP THAT TWINKIE!! "
Yo momma so fat, when she runs she makes the cd played skip, at the radio station!!!
Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, "HEY, KOOL-AID!"
Yo momma fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo momma is so fat her waist size is equator!
Yo momma so fat she went bungee jumping and went strait to hell!
Yo momma so fat shes on both side of the family.
Yo momma so fat when she walks around in Texas in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!
Yo momma so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ole ass over!
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma so fat she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "To be continued."
Yo momma so fat her nickname is, "DAY-UM!"
Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo momma so fat we're in her right now.
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise.
Yo momma so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.
Yo mamma so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off her...
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world.
Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling, "Free Willy!"
Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
Yo momma so fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says, "Okay!"
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say, "Taxi!"
Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
Yo momma so fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway.
Yo momma so fat I've known her all my life ... and I still haven't seen ALL of her!
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.
Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th.
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear, "Caution! Wide Turn."
Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read, "One at a time, please."
Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!
Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo momma so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo momma so fat , her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side!
Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.
Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball!
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
Yo momma so fat her belly button's got an echo.
Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
Yo momma so fat she uses a pillow case as a sock.
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!
Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo momma so fat her blood type is ragu.
Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whoelband skips!
Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma so fat that she can't tie her own shoes.
Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo momma so fat she can't reach her back pocket.
Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn-X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth.
Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures.
Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo momma so fat she uses I-95 for a Slip 'n Slide.
Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!
Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship.
Yo momma so fat she accidently got a 757 caught in her teeth.
Yo momma so fat to her, "light food," means under 4 Tons!
Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and cameback with sandals!
Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!
Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development.
Yo momma so fat she won, "Miss Bessie the Cow 94."
Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans.

Oops. I wasn't paying attention. Tell me again what is going on.

scottydabodi
11-06-2004, 08:41 PM
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma so fat she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "To be continued."
Yo momma so fat her nickname is, "DAY-UM!"
Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo momma so fat we're in her right now.
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise.
Yo momma so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.
Yo mamma so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off her...
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world.
Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling, "Free Willy!"
Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
Yo momma so fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says, "Okay!"
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say, "Taxi!"
Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
Yo momma so fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway.
Yo momma so fat I've known her all my life ... and I still haven't seen ALL of her!
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

scottydabodi
11-06-2004, 08:41 PM
Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.
Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th.
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear, "Caution! Wide Turn."
Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read, "One at a time, please."
Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!
Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo momma so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo momma so fat , her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side!
Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.
Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball!
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!

scottydabodi
11-06-2004, 08:41 PM
Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
Yo momma so fat her belly button's got an echo.
Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
Yo momma so fat she uses a pillow case as a sock.
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!
Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo momma so fat her blood type is ragu.
Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whoelband skips!
Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

scottydabodi
11-06-2004, 08:42 PM
Yo momma so fat that she can't tie her own shoes.
Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo momma so fat she can't reach her back pocket.
Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn-X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth.
Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures.
Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo momma so fat she uses I-95 for a Slip 'n Slide.
Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!
Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship.
Yo momma so fat she accidently got a 757 caught in her teeth.
Yo momma so fat to her, "light food," means under 4 Tons!
Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and cameback with sandals!
Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!
Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development.
Yo momma so fat she won, "Miss Bessie the Cow 94."
Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans.

lms2
11-21-2004, 06:14 PM
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get
close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the
Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to
you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars
mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute".

Ozzy Fudd
11-21-2004, 09:28 PM
Originally posted by lms2
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get
close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the
Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to
you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars
mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute".

lol good joke
BTW you just got 69 votes
Did i ever tell you that i just LOVE that Number ;)

DavidLeeNatra
11-21-2004, 11:06 PM
Originally posted by Ozzy Fudd
lol good joke
BTW you just got 69 votes
Did i ever tell you that i just LOVE that Number ;)

because it's the age of your girlfriend?

Ozzy Fudd
11-22-2004, 08:50 PM
Originally posted by DavidLeeNatra
because it's the age of your girlfriend?

do has mitch ?

sambo
11-24-2004, 01:01 AM
THE BONUS QUESTION

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A”

lms2
11-25-2004, 07:58 AM
'Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn't sleep...
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned...the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
stuffing with gravy, green beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...
Happy eating to all -- pass the cranberries, please.

Bob_R
12-14-2004, 09:43 PM
Four of Santa’s elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Ozzy Fudd
01-13-2005, 10:50 PM
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is
wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too.

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband
about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on
immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

Carmine
01-14-2005, 10:47 AM
At a recent job interview for a brunette, a red head and a blonde, the interviewer asked but one question: How many D's are in Indiana Jones?

The brunette answered quickly...."well, one of course". Thank you... send in the red head.

The red head answered quickly as well..." there is one D in Indiana Jones" Thank you, please send the next women in please.

The Blonde, when asked started to count on her fingers...2,4,6.....hmmmm, can I use your calculator, she said". The interviewer asked what was so difficult about the question? The blonde quickly answered 32! the interviewer says 32? How did you you come up with that?

The blonde starts to sing....da da da da, da da da, da da da da, da da da da da!

Carmine
01-14-2005, 10:54 AM
An irisman, a mexican and a blonde man were at the construction site of the new high rise buliding they were working at having their lunch.

The irishman opens his lunch box and says "Goddammit, Corned beef and cabbage again! If I have this one more time, I'll jump from the top of this building!

The Mexican opens his lunch and says " son of bitch, burrito again! If I have Burrito one more tine, I will leap off this building!

The blonde man opens his lunch and says" WTF! Bologne again! If I have Bologne again, I'm jumping off this buliding!

The next day all 3 find the same items in their lunch and all 3 leap to their deaths!

At their funeral, the wife of the Irishman says: Had I known he would do this I colud have made him something else! She feels terrible...

The mexicans wife says" I could have made him a taco or enchilada....she feels terrible as well.

The 2 wives look at the blondes wife.....she says.."what! Dont look at me, that stupid bastard packed his own lunches!

lms2
01-15-2005, 03:13 PM
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a "genie". But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works". "You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It
looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plentiful food and drink."

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!

Ozzy Fudd
01-15-2005, 11:33 PM
PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, none of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product! Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you!

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of

arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to

skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body

thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a

ride!""

lms2
01-16-2005, 01:54 AM
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very
taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a
client, named Wright, who was due to be hanged for
murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency
to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home his wife
started on him about, "What time of night do you call
this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar
ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky
and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub...
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the
wife answered and was told that her husband's client
had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she
decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the
sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over
naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed , "For crying out loud,
Woman, don't you ever stop!?"

rustoffa
01-16-2005, 02:28 AM
A homeless dipshit passes out behind a gay bar.....

A faggot comes out back, sees him lying there passed out, and thinks "well, he ain't half-bad for a homeless dipshit", and fucks him while he's passed out.

The faggot feels kinda bad about it afterwards and shoves a twenty-spot in the homeless dipshit's shirt pocket.

The homeless dipshit wakes up the next day, finds the twenty-spot in his shirt pocket and goes directly to the liquor store, telling the guy behind the counter "gimme twenty dollars worth of the cheapest wine ya got".

The homeless dipshit proceeds to consume the cornucopia of cheap wine and ends up passed out behind the same gay bar.

The aforementioned faggot finds him there again and goes to find his friend..."this is the thing I was tellin' ya about....he ain't bad for a homeless dipshit eh"?

The aforementioned faggot and his friend both fuck the homeless dipshit and each leave a twenty-spot in his shirt pocket afterwards due to the aforementioned guilt

The homeless dipshit wakes up the next day, finds two twenty-spots in his shirt pocket and goes directly to the liquor store, telling the guy behind the counter " gimme forty dollars worth of the most expensive wine ya got".

The guy behind the counter goes "most expensive?....what the fuck is up with that?"

The homeless dipshit goes "that cheap shit is ok, but it sure tears your ass up the next day".

lms2
01-24-2005, 01:07 AM
On a farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his friend's life, the chicken began to think. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend the horse. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?....................................



When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

sambo
01-24-2005, 01:37 AM
Three couples went camping only to discover that only two tents were packed for the trip. After a short discussion it was decided that the men would sleep in one tent while the women would share the other.

At about 2:00 am John was awakened by Bob, who was sleeping beside him, with a huge erection in his hand.

"Look the size of this, it must be all the fresh air, I'm going over to visit my wife!" Bob exclaimed. "Would you like me to come with you?"

John asked. "Why would I want you to come?" Bob asked. "Because that's my cock your holding in your hand."

sambo
01-24-2005, 01:42 AM
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man really gets into fucking this guy's wife so he works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

Stubborn to the end, the husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him, triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a fucking towel!"

sambo
01-24-2005, 01:43 AM
and for my 900th post...

A woman was in bed having sex with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "Get your ass up and stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an fucking idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Jérôme Frenchise
01-25-2005, 01:51 PM
There was a cuisine contest last week-end, consisting in answering to questions about recipes. I was a bit "forced" to take part in it. I don't know too much about cooking, but I was damned lucky because I made no mistake. This feat owed me the top prize: my weight in olive oil, plus... 20 euros a day! Ain't that luck, 20 euros per day...

Jérôme Frenchise
01-25-2005, 01:53 PM
Originally posted by Jérome from Fra
There was a cuisine contest last week-end, consisting in answering to questions about recipes. I was a bit "forced" to take part in it. I don't know too much about cooking, but I was damned lucky because I made no mistake. This feat owed me the top prize: my weight in olive oil, plus... 20 euros a day! Ain't that luck, 20 euros per day...

Then, anybody will ask: "How long?!"

And I'll answer: "Till the day I shit the mayo!"

lms2
02-10-2005, 01:30 AM
Between 6:30 and 6:45
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred
out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude.
If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

Shaun Ponsonby
02-10-2005, 01:47 PM
This guy goes to the pub (or bar if you are american) and has 13 or 14 pints. He stands up to walk home, but he fell flat on his face. So, he tries again, but to the same result. So, he tries plan B, and that is to crawl outside. He does this because he thinks some fresh-air would sober him up. Once outside, he tries once again to stand up, but once again he falls flat on his face. He then decides that the only way he will get home is if he crawls. So, sure enough, he crawls 5 or 6 blocks home, feeling much embarrasment when spotted by pedestrians. He finally gets home and tries one last time to stand up, but, as you have probably guessed, he falls straight back down. So, he bangs the bottom of the door, and his wife opens up, and he crawls indoors and into his bed, where he sleeps all night.

Next morning, his wife wakes him up;

"You were drinking again last night, weren't you?" she says.

"No", he replies, "what makes you say that?"

"The landlord called-you left your wheelchair in the pub again."

lms2
02-11-2005, 02:28 PM
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."

Carmine
02-11-2005, 02:33 PM
Originally posted by Shaun Ponsonby
This guy goes to the pub (or bar if you are american) and has 13 or 14 pints. He stands up to walk home, but he fell flat on his face. So, he tries again, but to the same result. So, he tries plan B, and that is to crawl outside. He does this because he thinks some fresh-air would sober him up. Once outside, he tries once again to stand up, but once again he falls flat on his face. He then decides that the only way he will get home is if he crawls. So, sure enough, he crawls 5 or 6 blocks home, feeling much embarrasment when spotted by pedestrians. He finally gets home and tries one last time to stand up, but, as you have probably guessed, he falls straight back down. So, he bangs the bottom of the door, and his wife opens up, and he crawls indoors and into his bed, where he sleeps all night.

Next morning, his wife wakes him up;

"You were drinking again last night, weren't you?" she says.

"No", he replies, "what makes you say that?"

"The landlord called-you left your wheelchair in the pub again."

LMAO!

Roguesgirl
02-11-2005, 05:44 PM
The family of a gravely ill patient has a meeting with his doctor.
The doctor informs them that they will need to perform an emergency brain transplant.
The family finds out that their insurance will not cover the procedure. They ask the doctor what their options are.
He tells them that they have two choices. They can put in a male brain or a female brain. He continues by giving them the cost of each. The male brain is $15,000, while the female brain is only $7,500.
As the family begins discussing the options, the little sister of the patient tugs on the doctors coat and asks "why does the female brain cost less than the male brain?"

The doctor explains "we discount the female brains because they've been used." :D

Shaun Ponsonby
02-11-2005, 05:44 PM
Three builders are having their lunch. They get out their sandwhiches and looked in horror. One of them says;

"Fucking hell, fucking cheese butties again. I am sick of cheese butties."

Another replies, "Yes, so am I."

The other, "Do you know what? I am so sick of cheese sandwiches that I could kill myself."

The first builder has an idea, "If I get cheese butties tommorrow, then I am going to throw myself off the scafholding,"

The second: "So will I."

The Third,"Yes, me too"

Then, after eating their lunch, the three of them went round the local.

And so it came to the next days lunch break. The third builder nervously looked to see what was on his butties, to find that they were ham. Relieved, he quickly ate his sandwhiches and went round the local.

The second builder opened up his sandwiches to find that they were jam. He ate them, and went round the local.

However, when it came to the first builders butties, he found that they were cheese again. He ate them and, as promised, threw himself off the scafholding. The other two returned from the local and looked at their workmates dead body.

When they attended the man's funeral, the widow asked,

"Why? Why did he do it? You must know something?"

The two looked at each other nervously. Finally, one of them said,

"OK, we are sorry to have to tell you this, and it is really stupid, and you'll probably feel guilty about it because you did his lunch for him, but he had cheese sandwiches every day for 5 years, and one day he said, 'if I get cheese butties tommorrow, I'm going to kill myself,' and you know that he was a man of his word, and the next day, he had cheese butties, so, he killed himself"

"Stupid bastard, he made his own butties"

UGS
02-11-2005, 08:22 PM
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?
















No dental records, and all the DNA is the fuckin' same!

Anonymous
02-12-2005, 01:08 AM
The newlyweds checked into the honeymoon suite, but the next morning came down to breakfast separately and immediately started arguing. After the wife left, the man asked the hotel manager if he could check out early because his new wife had left him. The manager asked, "What's wrong? Didn't you have a good time last night?" The man replied, "Oh, last night was the best night of my life." "Then why did she leave?" He replied, "I had it with the maid!"

The exhausted blonde dragged herself into the doctor's office. "Doc, the neighborhood dogs bark all night. I can't get a wink of sleep." The doctor examined her and found her some samples. "These new sleeping pills work great. A few of these and your troubles will be over." "Great," said the blonde. "I'll try anything!" The next week, she returned, looking even worse. "Doc, your plan stinks. I'm more tired than I was before!" "I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "Maybe so, but now I spend all night chasing those dogs and even when I finally catch one, I can't get him to swallow those pills!"

Jérôme Frenchise
02-13-2005, 09:15 PM
Originally posted by ImapusSylicker
"Maybe so, but now I spend all night chasing those dogs and even when I finally catch one, I can't get him to swallow those pills!"

:D A pretty good one.

I'm afraid everybody knows the following one, but...

It all happens in the Canadian Far North, in autumn. Pierre Petit Pierre (which means "Peter Shortpeter") is sawing timber in a wood for the next winter. Sitting on a tree trunk like on the day Pierre started working, smoking his pipe quietly, an old wise Indian repeats: "Winter be harsh!"
Pierre Petitpierre thinks to himself again: "This man knows how the weather goes in the area, he must be right. Let's fell more timber. I'm gonna gather twice as much as I intended to. That'll do, I reckon. Let's work for one more month!"
Then, Pierre works on and on, getting more exhausted every day. And the big chief is always there, sitting and watching him, always saying:
"Winter be very harsh!"
One day, in the end of fall, as the wise man had just said "Winter be very, very harsh", Pierre has suddenly had enough. He walks towards the old chief and asks him, most irritated:
"What the fuck tells you that next winter's gonna be tough!!?? You tell me!"
Then the old Indian, full of dignity, calmly says:
"Winter be very harsh. White man felling lots timber."
:)