The Macc Lads

[Mr Grimsdale]

pic a song and sing along

http://www.macclads.co.uk/hectic_house/lyrics/w_ind.html

[Mr Grimsdale]

Gods Gift

I got a barmaid from St Helens in the back of my Vauxhall Viva
She had massive melons and I wanted to bang her beaver
She had real bad breath and a dose of the pox
I ripped off her bags and her sweaty socks and rattled my potatoes against her dirtbox

Spread your legs and get your knickers down
I'm god's gift to women in this fucking town

She said I was good looking, and looked a bit like George Michael
But she didn't want a fucking, she was on her menstrual cycle,
So I gave her a lift down to Sandbach, she was after some grub, she was on the cadge
I got some meat and stuffed it up her vadge

Spread your legs and don't make a sound,
I'm god's gift to women in this fucking town

It was a messy job, but I kept my shirt on,
It was a penny round collar, I got it from Burton's
I got a good taste of her Bird's Eye beef curtains

[Elitest]

delightful!

[Mr Grimsdale]

Charlotte

I walked into the Nag's Head to sustinate my belly,
Fit crack in the corner, but I knew its cunt was smelly
Smelled of rotting fish heads and old and crispy sick,
She said her name was Charlotte and she wanted to suck my dick.
She's the type of crack that you've heard about, the sort they call infamous,
Peroxide hair, dead long legs, and bog paper stuck to her anus.
I thought: 'Ay lad, times is hard, and its nearly closing time,
I'll put a bag on her head, and a peg on my nose,
I'll grummidge through the slime.
Charlotte is the biggest slag in Macc,
She'll do anything to get you in the sack,
With her legs spread wide, she opens up her trap,
Spends her life just lying on her back.

We walked along up Buxton Road, strolled along the Cut, she said:
'Give us an inch, and I'll take a yard!'
I slammed her half a foot.
I got my hand up her skirt, coz I'm a Macc Lad, I knew just what to do,
I got my hand inside, I got my arm inside,
I lost it right up to my tattoo.

Charlotte is the biggest slag in Macc,
Her legs spread wide, she opens up her trap
Coffee, sex and johnny bags come free,
So do crabs, AIDS, herpes and VD.

We ended up at her place, I waded through the johnnies,
She put another notch in her bedstead, while I watched The Two Ronnies

Charlotte is the biggest slag in Macc,
She spends her life just lying on her back,
She's always got to take the upper hand,
You are what you drink,
I'm a bitter man.

[diamond den™]

DEAD CAT

No petrol in the van, knee-deep in empty cans,
We lost the map, the tyre's flat, the bloody gig's been banned.
We stopped off for some grease, Ben Nevis is obese,
We left him stranded, empty handed, ten miles outside Leeds.

Find us a pub where the ale and tarts are free,
Lock that fucking door, we'll drink beer 'til eternity.

Someone farted in the back, Fast Fret found a cat,
It was in the road, all stiff and cold, and squashed and thin and flat.
He wants to take it back, in a Tesco bag,
Its got one eye, its full of flies, he needs something to shag.

Find us a pub where the ale and tarts are free,
Lock that fucking door, we'll drink beer 'til eternity

:)

[singerman]

ha ha ha...i'd fogotten about The Macc Lads!......the open lines to 'Sweaty Betty' are....(i think!?)


well,she wore big knickers and she worked on the sewage farm
i've got me hand down her jeans and i nearly lost half me arm
i couldnt believe the size of her bum
she used to play for Wigan at the back of the scrum
sweaty betty....she eats alot of chips!
sweaty betty....she's got massive tits!



mmmm....not quite right but you get the idea!!.....err....were they popular in the USA ???

[singerman]

heres another favorite!!!......'boddies' is a beer (if you didnt know!)

One of my best mates came from Macc, we used to go out pulling crack
Now I know that was just a farce, he's got spunk dribbling out of his arse.
He's got scabs from snogging other men, we're never going to talk to him again.
He's gone all nesh, he's making us sick, we wouldn't give him cheese of us dicks.
Now he's a poof, we can't handle it
Now he's a poof, he does spermy shits
Now he's a poof, he leaves white stains wherever he sits

He's gone to pot, shaved his head, he's got some black bloke sleeping in his bed
AIDs and herpes? He's got them, the evidence is written all over his bottom.
Now he's a poof, he's got gonhorrea
Now he's a poof, he's a fucking queer,
Now he's a poof, he can't hold his fucking beer

He's never in the pub, he's no fun, sores and scabs all over his bum
We'll have to pin him down on the deck,
And pour some Boddies down his fucking neck.
Poof! He's an arse bandit
Poof! He doesn't like to feel girl's tits
Poof! His willy is covered in shit

Poof! He's a fucking slob
Poof! He's got a shitty knob
Poof! He's got spunk all over his gob

Poof! He's a mincing gay. Poof! He's full of AIDs. Poof! He likes his buttocks splayed.
Poof! Tunnel tester, orifice officer, sausage jockey, pillow biter, uphill gardener, rear admiral,
Brown hatter, shirtlifter, anal adjuster, rectum rifler, turd burglar, arse bandit.


© 1982 The Macc Lads

[flappo]

..not bad


Derek & Clive -
"Non-Stop Dancer / My Mum Song"


[ from the album "Come Again" (1977) ]

CLIVE:

Er, I met this cunt in, about eight years back and, er, he come up with the name of 'John Stitch'. He come up to me. He said, "I'm John Stitch and I, I do non-stop dancing."

DEREK:

What a cunt.

CLIVE:

The fucker. I said, "You do non-stop dancing?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Why, why have you, why have, why are you not dancing now?"

DEREK:

Right.

CLIVE:

He said he's out of a job. So I said, "All right, Non-Stop Dancer, .....

DEREK:

Cunt.

CLIVE:

..... start dancing." And do you know what he did?

DEREK:

What?

CLIVE:

Started dancing.

DEREK:

What a cunt.
(begins singing)
#My Mum came into my room and sucked my little knob .....

CLIVE:

Did she?

DEREK:

#She put her mouth round the end of it and I ..... done a gob
Out the little hole that's in my prick and cums with piss as well
I had done a lot into the lav and, fuck, it didn't 'alf smell
'Cause I'd had asparagus the night before, I am lucky
I had some radishes as well and farted and, erm ..... right,
Please don't .....

CLIVE:

#I am a Cockney dancer .....

DEREK:

# ..... dancer, I fucked him up .....

CLIVE:

# ..... I like to dance all night
I dance, what,- ehh'ne'hm'err'h
And in my mother's tights

DEREK:

#Oh, ..... (collapses laughing)

CLIVE:

#'Cause you can get away with it
If you are Cockney too
Do this fucking dancing
And shove it up your flue!
(begins mumbling)

DEREK:

#My Mum came into my room and sucked my tiny knob
She put mouth round ..... (laughs)
She put her mouth right round it and then ..... (laughs uncontrollably)

CLIVE:

Fff-uck. Dudley, are you not, is ..... ? Fucking, fucking alcoholic! You're so drunk! You must ha' be on something else, you know.

DEREK:

Oh, hold on, let's get this rhyme right:
#My Mum came into the room and sucked my fucking knob, oh!
She put her mouth right, her mouth right round it and then she done a gob
On the end of it to make it smooth and make it nice and soft
And then she tossed me right off with her, er, Mrs. Mopp
Who came into the ..... (starts laughing)

CLIVE:

Oh yes, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much indeed, thank you very much indeed, it is awfully good but it's not quite what we're looking for, erm, some of our .....

DEREK:

Very nice! Oh ..... (continues laughing)

CLIVE:

..... some of our older patients might be upset.

DEREK:

#Oh, my Mum came into my room and sucked my fucking knob .....

CLIVE:

Yes! Well, thank you, thank you very, thank you very much indeed .....

DEREK:

#She put her mouth right round it .....

CLIVE:

Shoot him, Kurt!

DEREK:

# ..... and then she done a little gob

CLIVE:

CUT!

DEREK:

#On the end of it and smoothed it round and rubbed it up and down

CLIVE:

Oh God, will nothing give .....

DEREK:

#Until the cum came out the end and then I began to drown
'Cause I cum like a fucking falls you know, I cum like that
I've got a pair of enormous balls and they sat on the mat
When I'm walking down the street, of course, they drag behind me sore
And then, of course, I get followed by every fucking whore .....

CLIVE:

(laughing in the background)

DEREK:

#Who says, "'ere, what we got in front of us, pair of bleedin' balls?
By Christ all-fucking-mighty, they could fill the Albert Halls"
With ee-aye, ee-aye, ..... (drowned out)

CLIVE:

# ..... Ee-aye, ee-aye-oh! Take it and shove it up your arse!

DEREK:

Wait a minute! It's getting interesting!

CLIVE:

#I am a Cockney dancer! Justin de Villeneuve, watch out!

DEREK:

Yeah.
#So I went to the city to show my private parts .....

CLIVE:

'Ere! 'Ere! 'Ere!

DEREK:

#I went into the Festival Hall and they began to fart
When I came onto the stage with my balls dragging right behind
They said, "My Christ, what, there, what is he doing, he must be out of his mind?"

DEREK & CLIVE:

#Oh! My old man's a dustman, he wears a dustman's hat

DEREK:

(continues with farting noise in tune)

CLIVE:

#He's got fucking cancer, now what d'you think of that?!

DEREK:

#Oh, ..... (falls into helpless laughter)

CLIVE:

#My old man's a dustman, he's got cancer too
Silly fucking arsehole, he's got it up the flue
He's got so much of fucking cancer it drives him fucking mad
He says, "I've got fucking cancer", and he's my fucking Dad
Oh, what a fucking boring cunt, he goes on and on all day
He's got this fucking cancer and he's too gone on the way

DEREK:

#Oh, .....

CLIVE:

#Oh, my old man's a dustman, Justin de Villeneuve is my friend .....

DEREK:

# ..... they cut it off at Chelmsford, they cut it off at Crewe
They gave him one up the ..... (laughs)

CLIVE:

# ..... I shoved him one up the arsehole, saying he's my friend.

DEREK:

(laughs uncontrollably)
#He's got cancer of the cock and he's got cancer of the balls
He's got cancer of the nose, mouth, eyes, teeth and he's got the, the ..... prr-oh .....

DEREK & CLIVE:

#Ohhhhhhh ..... he's got .....

CLIVE:

# ..... cancer in his false teeth, got cancer in his wig
He's got cancer in his fucking knob, he thinks it's fucking big
His knob is full of cancer, the thing is falling off
And worst of all, the worst of it, he's got this fucking cough
He goes .....

DEREK & CLIVE:

Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurrrrrgghhhhh .....

DEREK:

(continues laughing uncontrollably)

CLIVE:

..... What a cunt! He keeps waking us up at night, this fucking noise goes on! This fucking cough, his fucking cancer! We can't fucking sleep! I's trying to watch Emmerdale Farm and this fucking cough came on and I couldn't fucking concentrate on a fucking good programme 'cause my old man was dying of this fucking cough .....

DEREK:

Fucking cancer!!

CLIVE:

..... What a .....

DEREK & CLIVE:

..... Fucking cunt!!!

DEREK:

(more laughter)
#He's got cancer of the arsehole, he's got cancer of the bum

CLIVE:

# ..... cancer of the knob .....

DEREK:

#Cancer in his eyeballs, he's got cancer on the gob
He's got cancer in his fingernails and cancer in his palm
Cancer up his bumhole where the ..... (drowned out)

CLIVE:

# ..... half way up his arm!

DEREK:

(laughs)

CLIVE:

#Oh, he's got fucking cancer, cancer everywhere
He's got cancer of the bumhole, 'cause he's a fucking queer .....

DEREK:

#Oh, .....

CLIVE:

#He takes his fucking knobs up, he shoves 'em up his arse
And everybody knows it! HE'S FUCKING WORKING CLASS!!!

DEREK:

OHHHHHHHH!!!!! .....

[Mr Grimsdale]

Originally posted by singerman
heres another favorite!!!......'boddies' is a beer (if you didnt know!)

One of my best mates came from Macc, we used to go out pulling crack
Now I know that was just a farce, he's got spunk dribbling out of his arse.
He's got scabs from snogging other men, we're never going to talk to him again.
He's gone all nesh, he's making us sick, we wouldn't give him cheese of us dicks.
Now he's a poof, we can't handle it
Now he's a poof, he does spermy shits
Now he's a poof, he leaves white stains wherever he sits

He's gone to pot, shaved his head, he's got some black bloke sleeping in his bed
AIDs and herpes? He's got them, the evidence is written all over his bottom.
Now he's a poof, he's got gonhorrea
Now he's a poof, he's a fucking queer,
Now he's a poof, he can't hold his fucking beer

He's never in the pub, he's no fun, sores and scabs all over his bum
We'll have to pin him down on the deck,
And pour some Boddies down his fucking neck.
Poof! He's an arse bandit
Poof! He doesn't like to feel girl's tits
Poof! His willy is covered in shit

Poof! He's a fucking slob
Poof! He's got a shitty knob
Poof! He's got spunk all over his gob

Poof! He's a mincing gay. Poof! He's full of AIDs. Poof! He likes his buttocks splayed.
Poof! Tunnel tester, orifice officer, sausage jockey, pillow biter, uphill gardener, rear admiral,
Brown hatter, shirtlifter, anal adjuster, rectum rifler, turd burglar, arse bandit.


© 1982 The Macc Lads

a veritable classic
i reckon we should enter it as our eurovision entry this year
can't wait for old tel to introduce that one