25 Signs You Are Going To Hell!

[Matt White]

By Becky Todd

Chances are, you're going to Hell, says a Bible scholar.

"Ninety-nine out of 100 people are damned," says Jacob L. Pinewood, professor of divinity at Holy Moses College in Jarvis, Australia.

"My research indicates God hates us. That's why He made His rules so ridiculous that the average person will never get into heaven."

But you may be one of the lucky few, says Pinewood, author of the handy guide So, You're Going To Hell. According to Pinewood, if you answer: "I sayeth yes," to any of the following situations, you should pack for a warm climate when the Grim Reaper calls your name.

You're going to Hell if you:

* Can name 10 beers but not one of the Ten Commandments.

* Think WWJD stands "What Would J.Lo Do?"

* Are a whoremonger.

* Can't stand harp music.

* Wear white after Labor Day.

* Have built a shrine to Michael Jackson, even a small one.

* Have severed heads in your freezer.

* Have occasionally asked God to damn something for you.

* Have considered selling your soul for a Mercedes convertible.

* Sometimes use the Lord's name in vain, especially when you can't find the TV remote or stub your toe in the dark.

* Have watched a movie with graphic violence, brief nudity, sexual themes or adult language.

* Use the F word more than once a day.

* Felt powerful and satisfied after squashing an insect.

* Have engaged in sexual acts for reasons other than procreation.

* Have undressed people with your eyes at family reunions.

* Don't understand what's so bad about alcohol since it makes you feel so good.

* Ever fell down because you drank too much. "The Bible says, 'Thou mayest swayeth on thy feet,' " says Pinewood.

* Ever laughed at or imitated a mentally or physically handicapped person. "This is especially difficult as the rule includes midgets with big heads," says Pinewood.

* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the opposite sex.

* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the same sex.

* Are a homosexual, transsexual, heterosexual or metrosexual.

* Ever rolled your eyes at the mention of Mother Teresa.

* Make a practice of stepping on sidewalk cracks.

* Belong to any organized religion. "Every religion believes the members of every other religion are going to hell," explains Pinewood. "And since you can only belong to one religion at a time, it's a Catch 22 situation."

* Covet your neighbor's wife, husband, car, house, donkey or any of their household appliances.

[Soul Reaper]

does LARG come into it?

[Matt White]

Originally posted by Soul Reaper
does LARG come into it?

:mad: LARG is a sure sign.........of something!!!:confused:

[Hardrock69]

It is a sure sign the guy who made up that list is a delusional moron....
:rolleyes:

[Matt White]

A Cha-cha cha!!!!

[FORD]

Originally posted by Matt White

You're going to Hell if you:

* Can name 10 beers but not one of the Ten Commandments.

What if I can name 20 beers and at least half the 10 Commandments? :confused:


* Can't stand harp music.

Are we talking blues harp here?


* Have occasionally asked God to damn something for you.

* Sometimes use the Lord's name in vain, especially when you can't find the TV remote or stub your toe in the dark.

* Have watched a movie with graphic violence, brief nudity, sexual themes or adult language.

* Use the F word more than once a day.

* Have engaged in sexual acts for reasons other than procreation.

* Have undressed people with your eyes at family reunions.

OK, but only once. Two sisters, a hot blonde and a hotter redhead. And they were my distant cousins damn it!! :mad:


* Don't understand what's so bad about alcohol since it makes you feel so good.

Jesus Christ's first miracle was making a batch of wine at his cousin's wedding, because all the liquor stores were closed. If JC doesn't have a problem with it, why should I?


* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the opposite sex.



"Cleanliness is next to Godliness" :cool:

[Last_Child]

And off we go.

Just because you may Hate Harp Music or have a shower with your girlfriend, You're damned?

Bullshit.

[Hardrock69]

It is just as probable that this idiot religious zealot forgot to include this verifiable reason:

You claim everyone else is going to hell for stuff you do or have done previously in your life.

[Matt White]

"* Ever laughed at or imitated a mentally or physically handicapped person. "This is especially difficult as the rule includes midgets with big heads," says Pinewood."

Now....THAT'S COMEDY!!!!

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Originally posted by Matt White

You're going to Hell if you:

* Can name 10 beers but not one of the Ten Commandments.

* Are a whoremonger.

* Can't stand harp music.

* Don't understand what's so bad about alcohol since it makes you feel so good.

* Ever fell down because you drank too much. "The Bible says, 'Thou mayest swayeth on thy feet,' " says Pinewood.

* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the opposite sex.


No fucking, no bars, no rock 'n' roll, and even no pinballs, I bet you! Hell, what's the use in going to Heaven?:confused:

[Matt White]

Originally posted by Jérôme Frenchise
No fucking, no bars, no rock 'n' roll, and even no pinballs, I bet you! Hell, what's the use in going to Heaven?:confused:

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE VIEW!!!!:D

[Satan]

You're ALL going to Hell, so get over it http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/images/smiley_evilGrin.gif

[Hardrock69]

At least we can party and get our dicks sucked by hot Demon Bitches!

[ashstralia]

i hate to spoil the party,
but there's no 'holy moses college' in oz.

funny shit, though!!

[Matt White]

HA!

[Ally_Kat]

Originally posted by Hardrock69
It is a sure sign the guy who made up that list is a delusional moron....
:rolleyes:


Originally posted by Hardrock69
It is just as probable that this idiot religious zealot forgot to include this verifiable reason:

You claim everyone else is going to hell for stuff you do or have done previously in your life.


Dude, step back from religion anger and re-read that list. It's not for real. The guy who made it is making a funny at religion's expense.

Ha Ha He He?

It's kind of obvious with the whole incest - insect - fake beer Bible passage thing.

[Anonymous]

Originally posted by Matt White
You're going to Hell if you:

* Are a homosexual, transsexual, heterosexual or metrosexual.

What?

Cheers! :bottle:

[Matt White]

You Naughty naughty News Reader!

[rustoffa]

Wheeee!

[bueno bob]

Well, let's see how I'm doing here...


Originally posted by Matt White
You're going to Hell if you:

* Can name 10 beers but not one of the Ten Commandments.

I don't drink...maybe a bud lite every six months or so..."Thou Shalt not kill"...OK, guess I'm good so far.



* Think WWJD stands "What Would J.Lo Do?"

Nope. Still alright.



* Are a whoremonger.

Nope. Still good.



Can't stand harp music.

Actually, I rather enjoy it.



* Wear white after Labor Day.

Black fits me better...



* Have built a shrine to Michael Jackson, even a small one.

Not the last time I checked.



* Have severed heads in your freezer.

Nah.



* Have occasionally asked God to damn something for you.

Oops. All the time I catch myself saying "GOD DAMN BILL LUMBERGH! GOD DAMN HIM TO HELL!" :mad:

Guess I'll have to work on that one.



* Have considered selling your soul for a Mercedes convertible.

For limitless wealth, sure. But never for a Mercedes.



* Sometimes use the Lord's name in vain, especially when you can't find the TV remote or stub your toe in the dark.

This really kinda goes with the "God damn" thing...



* Have watched a movie with graphic violence, brief nudity, sexual themes or adult language.

Errrrr.....



* Use the F word more than once a day.

Well fuck, this one's a toss...



* Felt powerful and satisfied after squashing an insect.

Do Sammy Hagar fans count?



* Have engaged in sexual acts for reasons other than procreation.

Crap.



* Have undressed people with your eyes at family reunions.

:eek:



* Don't understand what's so bad about alcohol since it makes you feel so good.

As before, I don't really drink...



* Ever fell down because you drank too much.

Nope.



* Ever laughed at or imitated a mentally or physically handicapped person. "This is especially difficult as the rule includes midgets with big heads," says Pinewood.

Does Three Lock Rock count?



* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the opposite sex.

I'm coming to discover that God likes to repeat Himself.



* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the same sex.

:eek:



* Are a homosexual, transsexual, heterosexual or metrosexual.

Sometimes, ya just can't win! :mad:



* Ever rolled your eyes at the mention of Mother Teresa.

:rolleyes:



* Make a practice of stepping on sidewalk cracks.

Not really.



* Belong to any organized religion. "Every religion believes the members of every other religion are going to hell," explains Pinewood. "And since you can only belong to one religion at a time, it's a Catch 22 situation."

I've been saying organized religion sucks for a while now...



* Covet your neighbor's wife, husband, car, house, donkey or any of their household appliances.

Nah, but it still looks like I'm going to Hell anyway. Just not as "bad" of Hell as the rest of you.

[Hardrock69]

Originally posted by Ally_Kat
Dude, step back from religion anger and re-read that list. It's not for real. The guy who made it is making a funny at religion's expense.

Ha Ha He He?

It's kind of obvious with the whole incest - insect - fake beer Bible passage thing.


Uhhh yes...I know....

and I knew when I posted ....


;)

[Matt White]

A Cha-cha cha!!!

[Douglas T.]

Originally posted by Matt White
By Becky Todd

"My research indicates God hates us.

PFFFT! This article went in the dumper after the first sentence! :cool:

[jslav06]

Sounds to me like Heaven is definitely lame. All tight-assed jerks who listen to the Carpenters. Hell is where its at.

[Douglas T.]

^It's could be what ever you want it to be!? Hell on the other hand, I imagine, will be just the opposite! Your hell could end up being an eternity stuck in a room full of tight assed Carpenter fans!:D

[Matt White]

HELL is.....Andy Gibb performing "Shadow dancing" for all eternity.......................................... ..

[Cathedral]

I've seen some terrible people accept Jesus into their lives and then i've seen the power of God bless them beyond anything you could ever imagine.
This list is stupid, joke or no joke. I didn't find it the least bit funny.

Whether or not we go to hell is up to us before we draw our last breath. You can choose Hell and continue to live the way you do until you die and forfeit eternal life or you can figure out that the only way to live forever is by seeking Jesus as your savior and letting him bless you....you won't know he's real unless you let him in.

But no, it's easier to just take the blaphemers word for it who's only goal is to mock God and take as many people down with them as they can.

Y'all had better take a serious step back and re-evaluate yourselves if you think God has a sense of humor about things like this.
Look at the TV, read a paper, look outside...the evil you see running wild in this world is real, and so is the salvation Jesus Christ died to provide for us.

But you have to be humbled before the Lord and ask for his forgiveness. you can't have it both ways, so choose wisely - it's your eternal soul at stake.

God Bless and Good Bye, Y'all!!!!!!!!

[ashstralia]

Cathedral, with all respect, i believe the Lord does have a fine sense of humour.

[kentuckyklira]

I´m not going to hell!

I haven´t built a shrine to Michael Jackson, not even a small one.

:cool:

[Douglas T.]

Originally posted by ashstralia
Cathedral, with all respect, i believe the Lord does have a fine sense of humour.

Yes he does ... look at sammy's head and you can see that!

[jslav06]

Hell?


Over 1 million albums sold.
http://musicmedia.ign.com/music/image/hung_040504_160_1081211284.jpg

[bueno bob]

It REALLY sold that much?

Jesus.

Jesterstar's going "diamond" on his debut album...

:)

[Matt White]

The HUMANITY!!!

[Douglas T.]

Originally posted by jslav06
Hell?
http://musicmedia.ign.com/music/image/hung_040504_160_1081211284.jpg

More Satans helpers caught on film tonight(Tues.) at 8! Final night of oddities then it's on with the talented pics next week.

[sagebrush]

.

[Diamondjimi]

Originally posted by jslav06
Hell?


Over 1 million albums sold.
http://musicmedia.ign.com/music/image/hung_040504_160_1081211284.jpg

William Hung IS the anti-Christ !!!

[Matt White]

You cheeky devil!

[Douglas T.]

:cool:

[diamondsgirl]

Originally posted by Matt White

* Wear white after Labor Day.

AND

* Have severed heads in your freezer.



Oh shit....I'm screwed.

[Matt White]

* Have watched a movie with graphic violence, brief nudity, sexual themes or adult language.

* Use the F word more than once a day.

* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the opposite sex.


TRIPLE DAMN!!!:mad:

[MAX]

Originally posted by Matt White
HELL is.....Andy Gibb performing "Shadow dancing" for all eternity.......................................... ..

I know EXACTLY where you got that one. ;) :D

[bueno bob]

Hey, what's wrong with Andy Gibb?

Bill Lumbergh's always dancing to Andy Gibb songs.

Is that wrong?

[FORD]

The Brothers Gibb could have cured cancer, AIDS, solved world hunger and brought peace to the entire planet and they would still be going to Hell.

Why?

Because they're simply too valuable as agents of eternal torment. God might see to it that Satan sets them up with air conditioned condos, but they're still going there.

In fact Satan tells me that Andy & Maurice are doing a death metal remix of "I Just Wanna Be Your Everything" right now. Dick Nixon is producing. Apparently, as much as the ex-prez loved his tape recorders, he's gone totally crazy in the Devil's new 666 track digital recording studio.