Matt White
01-10-2006, 11:56 AM
By MARK MILLER
ROCHESTER, N.Y. -- In an important step toward the understanding of mental disabilities in non-humans, the American Society of Pet Psychologists (ASOPP) has just announced the results of a study informing the public exactly how to determine whether its pets are mentally challenged!
"So often people with no understanding of animals throw their hands up and either give away their mentally challenged pets, set them loose or even have them put to sleep," remarks ASOPP spokesperson Jeremy Wachtel.
"Now, with this vital new information, you will immediately be able to pinpoint the exact brainless behavior in your beloved pet -- and get the proper help for it. It's a win-win situation for both pet and owner."
Here is a brief excerpt from the study, which identifies the most typical pets and their most common mentally challenged behavior:
DOGS. A typical, mentally challenged dog, when asked to bring the leash, will instead yank an extension cord out of the wall socket with his teeth, get shocked -- and still attempt the same thing over and over again.
The eating habits of the challenged dog are identical to those of a normal canine -- except that the normal pooch will stop when the bowl is empty.
BIRDS. Birds normally feed their young with worms, but a mentally challenged bird can't tell the difference between its offspring and that of other species.
So it's not unusual to see one of them dropping a fat, juicy worm into a human baby's mouth -- and then trying to teach it to fly.
FISH. The mentally challenged fish will ignore the food you sprinkle onto the top of your aquarium and eat the gravel on the bottom instead. If you see your goldfish lying at the bottom, feebly flapping its fins, it's a sure sign he's afflicted.
If your pet exhibits any of these symptoms, Wachtel urges you to seek help immediately.
"There are hundreds of wonderful Owners of Mentally Challenged Pets support groups, where you can network and learn many helpful hints for dealing with your damaged darlings," says Wachtel.
"Life's hard enough without a mentally challenged pet making you mentally unstable!"
ROCHESTER, N.Y. -- In an important step toward the understanding of mental disabilities in non-humans, the American Society of Pet Psychologists (ASOPP) has just announced the results of a study informing the public exactly how to determine whether its pets are mentally challenged!
"So often people with no understanding of animals throw their hands up and either give away their mentally challenged pets, set them loose or even have them put to sleep," remarks ASOPP spokesperson Jeremy Wachtel.
"Now, with this vital new information, you will immediately be able to pinpoint the exact brainless behavior in your beloved pet -- and get the proper help for it. It's a win-win situation for both pet and owner."
Here is a brief excerpt from the study, which identifies the most typical pets and their most common mentally challenged behavior:
DOGS. A typical, mentally challenged dog, when asked to bring the leash, will instead yank an extension cord out of the wall socket with his teeth, get shocked -- and still attempt the same thing over and over again.
The eating habits of the challenged dog are identical to those of a normal canine -- except that the normal pooch will stop when the bowl is empty.
BIRDS. Birds normally feed their young with worms, but a mentally challenged bird can't tell the difference between its offspring and that of other species.
So it's not unusual to see one of them dropping a fat, juicy worm into a human baby's mouth -- and then trying to teach it to fly.
FISH. The mentally challenged fish will ignore the food you sprinkle onto the top of your aquarium and eat the gravel on the bottom instead. If you see your goldfish lying at the bottom, feebly flapping its fins, it's a sure sign he's afflicted.
If your pet exhibits any of these symptoms, Wachtel urges you to seek help immediately.
"There are hundreds of wonderful Owners of Mentally Challenged Pets support groups, where you can network and learn many helpful hints for dealing with your damaged darlings," says Wachtel.
"Life's hard enough without a mentally challenged pet making you mentally unstable!"