Matt White
01-12-2006, 05:59 PM
By DICK SIEGEL
VALHALLA, Md. -- Jackson Kirby, the 450-pound man-planet (World News, May 23, 2005) who has two small rocks orbiting his body, recently discovered there is an even greater miracle taking place on his incredible bulk.
"I'm going to be a daddy!" he declared.
When Kirby first became a living man-planet, life was not so pleasant for him -- or his co-workers, who were constantly getting bonked by the fast-circling moons. The bank where he works as a loan officer solved that problem by allowing him to work at home and videoconference with clients.
One of those clients was slender Roz Foster. The two liked what they saw and started dating. The 24-year-old paralegal wears a bicycle helmet for protection and carries a cricket bat to knock the moons aside when she and Kirby snuggle.
"It's not Kirby's celebrity that attracted me," Roz beamed. "Underneath those moons and away from people who tease him about his weight, he's a sweet guy."
The two had been dating for just a few weeks when the man-planet became aware of a startling, new phenomena.
"I was taking a shower when I started to itch all over my belly! I called Roz to come and have a look," Kirby said.
"I watched as he checked below his beautiful belly rolls," Roz said. "We saw a tiny, almost microscopic living thing squirming around."
The couple went to see Dr. Peter David, who first diagnosed Kirby with LaRD (Latitudinal Revolving Dependent). Dr. David examined the man-planet closely.
"There's life on man-planet Kirby!" said the amazed Dr. David. After running lab tests the physician determined how it happened. "Evidently spaghetti sauce dripped into Kirby's fleshy folds and mixed with a corn flake left over from breakfast. Two foods, never meant to meet, created the proteins of life. Factor in body warmth and sweat and you have conditions similar to those that created life on earth."
Under a microscope, Kirby's teeming life forms look like a combination of spaghetti and corn, tiny kernels with worm-like bodies. "I called them the corn," Kirby said. "Which makes me the pop-corn!"
Though Kirby's paternal instincts caused him to overlook the itchy discomfort, parenthood also went to his head.
"My sweet man-planet started to act more like a man-god," Roz said sadly.
Kirby visited the bank to share his news. He was clad in a white toga and wearing a gold laurel wreath on his head. Co-worker Lee Brackett snickered, "Does he expect us to worship him now?"
"Of course not!" Kirby replied. "I will have multitudes of corn children to do that."
But things did not work out as Kirby had planned. The children of the pop-corn required massive amounts of nourishment. Soon, perspiration wasn't enough. They began eating his belly rolls.
"Every time I visited he looked more and more haggard," Roz said. "He was losing weight very quickly."
Then, tragedy struck -- literally. The man-planet's extreme weight loss disrupted the orbits of his twin moons. They swirled erratically until one afternoon Kirby's stones collided. The rocks broke into millions of particles which rained over Kirby. The debris smothered the tiny parasites on his body. They died swiftly leaving Kirby alone -- save for Roz.
"It turned out she was all I needed," Kirby said. "Without those moons it's a new day," Roz said. "Roz is my sun," the former man-planet recalled. "I revolve around her." He smiled. "And she's even more beautiful without the bike helmet and cricket bat!"
These days, when the happy couple goes for a walk people no longer duck behind trees or throw empty bottles.
"They 'throw' smiles and wave now," Kirby grinned. "I do miss the millions of corn people and corn dogs that were growing on me," he added. "But Roz and I have decided to get married and create new life together -- this time, the old fashioned way."
VALHALLA, Md. -- Jackson Kirby, the 450-pound man-planet (World News, May 23, 2005) who has two small rocks orbiting his body, recently discovered there is an even greater miracle taking place on his incredible bulk.
"I'm going to be a daddy!" he declared.
When Kirby first became a living man-planet, life was not so pleasant for him -- or his co-workers, who were constantly getting bonked by the fast-circling moons. The bank where he works as a loan officer solved that problem by allowing him to work at home and videoconference with clients.
One of those clients was slender Roz Foster. The two liked what they saw and started dating. The 24-year-old paralegal wears a bicycle helmet for protection and carries a cricket bat to knock the moons aside when she and Kirby snuggle.
"It's not Kirby's celebrity that attracted me," Roz beamed. "Underneath those moons and away from people who tease him about his weight, he's a sweet guy."
The two had been dating for just a few weeks when the man-planet became aware of a startling, new phenomena.
"I was taking a shower when I started to itch all over my belly! I called Roz to come and have a look," Kirby said.
"I watched as he checked below his beautiful belly rolls," Roz said. "We saw a tiny, almost microscopic living thing squirming around."
The couple went to see Dr. Peter David, who first diagnosed Kirby with LaRD (Latitudinal Revolving Dependent). Dr. David examined the man-planet closely.
"There's life on man-planet Kirby!" said the amazed Dr. David. After running lab tests the physician determined how it happened. "Evidently spaghetti sauce dripped into Kirby's fleshy folds and mixed with a corn flake left over from breakfast. Two foods, never meant to meet, created the proteins of life. Factor in body warmth and sweat and you have conditions similar to those that created life on earth."
Under a microscope, Kirby's teeming life forms look like a combination of spaghetti and corn, tiny kernels with worm-like bodies. "I called them the corn," Kirby said. "Which makes me the pop-corn!"
Though Kirby's paternal instincts caused him to overlook the itchy discomfort, parenthood also went to his head.
"My sweet man-planet started to act more like a man-god," Roz said sadly.
Kirby visited the bank to share his news. He was clad in a white toga and wearing a gold laurel wreath on his head. Co-worker Lee Brackett snickered, "Does he expect us to worship him now?"
"Of course not!" Kirby replied. "I will have multitudes of corn children to do that."
But things did not work out as Kirby had planned. The children of the pop-corn required massive amounts of nourishment. Soon, perspiration wasn't enough. They began eating his belly rolls.
"Every time I visited he looked more and more haggard," Roz said. "He was losing weight very quickly."
Then, tragedy struck -- literally. The man-planet's extreme weight loss disrupted the orbits of his twin moons. They swirled erratically until one afternoon Kirby's stones collided. The rocks broke into millions of particles which rained over Kirby. The debris smothered the tiny parasites on his body. They died swiftly leaving Kirby alone -- save for Roz.
"It turned out she was all I needed," Kirby said. "Without those moons it's a new day," Roz said. "Roz is my sun," the former man-planet recalled. "I revolve around her." He smiled. "And she's even more beautiful without the bike helmet and cricket bat!"
These days, when the happy couple goes for a walk people no longer duck behind trees or throw empty bottles.
"They 'throw' smiles and wave now," Kirby grinned. "I do miss the millions of corn people and corn dogs that were growing on me," he added. "But Roz and I have decided to get married and create new life together -- this time, the old fashioned way."