DLR'sCock
01-05-2007, 06:25 PM
Aquarian Weekly
1/10/07
REALITY CHECK
James Campion
GERALD FORD?
For some sad reason only known to the gods of misfortune, I found myself
listening to the "Imus In The Morning" radio broadcast sometime during the
surreally long week of funeral events surrounding the passing of our 38th
president. Our pal, Mike Barnicle, of Fabricated Story fame, was unabashedly
stating that all this talk 33 years ago about "a deal" regarding Gerald Ford's
pardoning of Richard Nixon was patently false and in fact "may have been one of
the most heroic deeds in modern presidential history". The colossal absurdity of
this nonsense sent a stinging stream of coffee to the back of my throat. I was
flummoxed, or as flummoxed as a hard-ass cynic could be. It was a stunning
observation even for Barnicle, world-famous for stupidity. It was then, as I
struggled to get my vehicle under control, that I planned on writing this
rebuttal.
Believe me when I tell you I had no intention of wasting two paragraphs on
the human doorstop that was Gerald Rudolf Ford or his misnomer presidency. The
whole terrible fiasco had safely slumbered in my memory banks like a hazy
college speed binge. The images were vague if not frightening. I recollect
something about a puppet man holding the fort after the 37th president torched
the U. S. Constitution, but it was fuzzy and disquieting, and I chose to let it
go, make my peace with the whole debacle. Heal.
Yes, and then the old fart had to up and croak and I couldn't turn on a
network or cable news show for 150 hours without some dink waxing poetic about
Ford's dubious legacy. But I even ignored that, understanding that there's
nothing us humans love more than belaboring burials, honoring our country,
and/or reconfiguring unpleasant history by constructing beloved myths. Why I
even heard one of Saddam Hussein's kids talking about how much he loved the
family pooch. Sure, and Hitler loved his dog too. Loved it so much he fed it
cyanide so it wouldn't have to watch daddy shoot himself.
Look, respecting the dead and supporting the grieving is one thing, but a
complete revision of history is the worst kind of sin. This hooey about Gerald
Ford doing anything approaching "heroic" or the blind patronization of his
freeing a criminal as "healing the country" or the meaningless celebration of he
being "a regular guy" is as maudlin and saccharine and silly as it gets. How
anyone chooses to sooth the pain of loss is none of my business, to each, his
own. Here's where I get involved: When grieving and flowery speeches replace
hard news and cold fact.
Reality Check, baby.
Gerald Ford? His wife did more for this country by guzzling turpentine.
Here's all you have to know about Gerald Ford: He was the ultimate team
player, a Football Guy. He took one for the team soon after the Kennedy
Assassination and once again after Richard Nixon made a mockery of governance.
Gerry was our sacrificial lamb, saluting bravely and keeping his mouth shut like
a good capo. He was a cover all his life, a beard for the awful things that
needed to be done to stay the American course. He may just as well have worked
for Tony Soprano.
And I would have gladly returned the favor. Kept it under raps. Let the boy
off the hook: Poor bastard, what could he do? They offered him the vice
presidency to keep the Republican Party from closing shop for good. Protect the
country from the Big Bad Commies. This was his sworn duty.
Ford and his Democrat buddy, power-broker Tip O'Neill, along with Al ("I'm
in charge now!") Haig laid the groundwork to get Nixon the hell out of a
mutilated White House and set him free to wander the beaches of Sacramento like
some kind of doddering madman who'd been haunted by gremlins and beaten by ego.
O'Neill and his cronies would never have allowed a beast like Spiro Agnew
anywhere near the title of chief executive. He was a hateful creature and did
everyone a favor by defrauding the government and evading taxes. Haig? Well, old
Al made a deal with the devil; let's leave it there. And good ol' Gerry, the
Team Player, played ball.
Nothing wrong with any of it, mind you. It's politics as usual. Covered
weekly in this space. Well documented in the annals of time. I'm sure Gerry Ford
was a nice guy, good father, and an upstanding citizen with many fine qualities.
He worked hard as a congressman, served the Navy well in the Big War, did the
Shriners proud. But it pales in comparison to his decision to push the whole
Watergate disaster under the rug, make like it never happened. Smile and go on.
Very nice. Very brave. Very weak. Very gutless.
You decide. Just don't make shit up.
Republicans, however, should erect shrines to Gerald Ford. He did stem the
tide of total extinction. People forget the utter black hole that was the final
months of the Nixon Administration, or whatever was left of it. The entire
episode teetered on constitutional crisis. I laugh every time I hear a badly
conceived comparison to it, as if Clinton getting hummers and lying under oath
or Baby Bush trumping up faulty intelligence to avenge daddy's enemy could ever
approach the atrocity of Richard M. Nixon. By all rights the entire Grand Old
Party should have gone the way of the Whigs in his wake. But to his credit, Ford
stopped the bleeding.
Not so sure his tourniquet was so good for the rest of us, but it did spare
Nixon from justice and help elect Ronald Reagan and two Bushes.
But then Gerry was always adept at keeping his finger in the damn. He did
it quite well as one of the chosen few to sit on the Warren Commission; a
quickly cobbled smokescreen to fill whatever unsightly holes that pocked the JFK
assassination. Many would argue the group still stands as the focal point in one
of the grandest of cover-ups, others may bandy about its rush to judgment to
keep the wolves at bay, or at least Fidel Castro at bay. Either way you look at
it, the Warren Commission, of which Gerald R. Ford was the last surviving
member, took one for the team. Swept out the nastiness, shooed away the curious,
and glossed over the glaring incongruities of shady doings, helping the nation
"heal" from the shock of a fallen leader.
So Ford was, in the end, the perfect caretaker of a wounded federal
government and the savior of saviors for the Republican Party. But this does not
make him a national hero. It doesn't make him a villain either. He just was. A
cog in the great machinery of government. Another in the long line of parts
grinding along.
Final word on Gerald Ford: He just was.
Sorry Barnicle. Sorry network geeks. Sorry revisionists.
And that's the unremarkable truth.
Go ahead and twenty-one-gun salute that, I'll finish my coffee.
http://www.jamescampion.com/
1/10/07
REALITY CHECK
James Campion
GERALD FORD?
For some sad reason only known to the gods of misfortune, I found myself
listening to the "Imus In The Morning" radio broadcast sometime during the
surreally long week of funeral events surrounding the passing of our 38th
president. Our pal, Mike Barnicle, of Fabricated Story fame, was unabashedly
stating that all this talk 33 years ago about "a deal" regarding Gerald Ford's
pardoning of Richard Nixon was patently false and in fact "may have been one of
the most heroic deeds in modern presidential history". The colossal absurdity of
this nonsense sent a stinging stream of coffee to the back of my throat. I was
flummoxed, or as flummoxed as a hard-ass cynic could be. It was a stunning
observation even for Barnicle, world-famous for stupidity. It was then, as I
struggled to get my vehicle under control, that I planned on writing this
rebuttal.
Believe me when I tell you I had no intention of wasting two paragraphs on
the human doorstop that was Gerald Rudolf Ford or his misnomer presidency. The
whole terrible fiasco had safely slumbered in my memory banks like a hazy
college speed binge. The images were vague if not frightening. I recollect
something about a puppet man holding the fort after the 37th president torched
the U. S. Constitution, but it was fuzzy and disquieting, and I chose to let it
go, make my peace with the whole debacle. Heal.
Yes, and then the old fart had to up and croak and I couldn't turn on a
network or cable news show for 150 hours without some dink waxing poetic about
Ford's dubious legacy. But I even ignored that, understanding that there's
nothing us humans love more than belaboring burials, honoring our country,
and/or reconfiguring unpleasant history by constructing beloved myths. Why I
even heard one of Saddam Hussein's kids talking about how much he loved the
family pooch. Sure, and Hitler loved his dog too. Loved it so much he fed it
cyanide so it wouldn't have to watch daddy shoot himself.
Look, respecting the dead and supporting the grieving is one thing, but a
complete revision of history is the worst kind of sin. This hooey about Gerald
Ford doing anything approaching "heroic" or the blind patronization of his
freeing a criminal as "healing the country" or the meaningless celebration of he
being "a regular guy" is as maudlin and saccharine and silly as it gets. How
anyone chooses to sooth the pain of loss is none of my business, to each, his
own. Here's where I get involved: When grieving and flowery speeches replace
hard news and cold fact.
Reality Check, baby.
Gerald Ford? His wife did more for this country by guzzling turpentine.
Here's all you have to know about Gerald Ford: He was the ultimate team
player, a Football Guy. He took one for the team soon after the Kennedy
Assassination and once again after Richard Nixon made a mockery of governance.
Gerry was our sacrificial lamb, saluting bravely and keeping his mouth shut like
a good capo. He was a cover all his life, a beard for the awful things that
needed to be done to stay the American course. He may just as well have worked
for Tony Soprano.
And I would have gladly returned the favor. Kept it under raps. Let the boy
off the hook: Poor bastard, what could he do? They offered him the vice
presidency to keep the Republican Party from closing shop for good. Protect the
country from the Big Bad Commies. This was his sworn duty.
Ford and his Democrat buddy, power-broker Tip O'Neill, along with Al ("I'm
in charge now!") Haig laid the groundwork to get Nixon the hell out of a
mutilated White House and set him free to wander the beaches of Sacramento like
some kind of doddering madman who'd been haunted by gremlins and beaten by ego.
O'Neill and his cronies would never have allowed a beast like Spiro Agnew
anywhere near the title of chief executive. He was a hateful creature and did
everyone a favor by defrauding the government and evading taxes. Haig? Well, old
Al made a deal with the devil; let's leave it there. And good ol' Gerry, the
Team Player, played ball.
Nothing wrong with any of it, mind you. It's politics as usual. Covered
weekly in this space. Well documented in the annals of time. I'm sure Gerry Ford
was a nice guy, good father, and an upstanding citizen with many fine qualities.
He worked hard as a congressman, served the Navy well in the Big War, did the
Shriners proud. But it pales in comparison to his decision to push the whole
Watergate disaster under the rug, make like it never happened. Smile and go on.
Very nice. Very brave. Very weak. Very gutless.
You decide. Just don't make shit up.
Republicans, however, should erect shrines to Gerald Ford. He did stem the
tide of total extinction. People forget the utter black hole that was the final
months of the Nixon Administration, or whatever was left of it. The entire
episode teetered on constitutional crisis. I laugh every time I hear a badly
conceived comparison to it, as if Clinton getting hummers and lying under oath
or Baby Bush trumping up faulty intelligence to avenge daddy's enemy could ever
approach the atrocity of Richard M. Nixon. By all rights the entire Grand Old
Party should have gone the way of the Whigs in his wake. But to his credit, Ford
stopped the bleeding.
Not so sure his tourniquet was so good for the rest of us, but it did spare
Nixon from justice and help elect Ronald Reagan and two Bushes.
But then Gerry was always adept at keeping his finger in the damn. He did
it quite well as one of the chosen few to sit on the Warren Commission; a
quickly cobbled smokescreen to fill whatever unsightly holes that pocked the JFK
assassination. Many would argue the group still stands as the focal point in one
of the grandest of cover-ups, others may bandy about its rush to judgment to
keep the wolves at bay, or at least Fidel Castro at bay. Either way you look at
it, the Warren Commission, of which Gerald R. Ford was the last surviving
member, took one for the team. Swept out the nastiness, shooed away the curious,
and glossed over the glaring incongruities of shady doings, helping the nation
"heal" from the shock of a fallen leader.
So Ford was, in the end, the perfect caretaker of a wounded federal
government and the savior of saviors for the Republican Party. But this does not
make him a national hero. It doesn't make him a villain either. He just was. A
cog in the great machinery of government. Another in the long line of parts
grinding along.
Final word on Gerald Ford: He just was.
Sorry Barnicle. Sorry network geeks. Sorry revisionists.
And that's the unremarkable truth.
Go ahead and twenty-one-gun salute that, I'll finish my coffee.
http://www.jamescampion.com/