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Dr. Love
04-27-2004, 11:04 PM
How not to write metaphors
These are (allegedly) metaphors from actual GCSE essays:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hotgrease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 p.m.at a speed of 35mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr.on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portionof Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can'tBelieve It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House ofCommons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.


The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behindher, like a dog at a lamp post.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

seenbad
04-27-2004, 11:18 PM
lol. Ok, give it up. Where'd you get those?

Dr. Love
04-27-2004, 11:21 PM
http://www.schoolzone.co.uk/students/exams/metaphor.htm

ELVIS
04-28-2004, 05:20 AM
Like french fries in front of a fat lady.. I don't have time for metaphors...

Ally_Kat
04-28-2004, 12:03 PM
metaphor or not, nothing personally beats "You'll fall for us like a mob informant in the East River."

ashstralia
05-03-2004, 12:00 PM
"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."
this one was pilfered from douglas adams' "hitchhikers guide to the galaxy",
where he wrote, and i'm paraphrasing, 'the spacecraft hung in the air in
exactly the way that bricks don't'.
pretty funny.

Seshmeister
05-03-2004, 04:36 PM
Originally posted by ashstralia
"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."
this one was pilfered from douglas adams' "hitchhikers guide to the galaxy",
where he wrote, and i'm paraphrasing, 'the spacecraft hung in the air in
exactly the way that bricks don't'.
pretty funny.

Well spotted I knew it was Douglas Adams but I couldn't place it!

GAR
05-04-2004, 09:11 PM
Spots?

More like injection point sores, the kind that weld up closed like a welded piece of steel that didn't quite weld together correctly, yet left dried sparks and other matter still stuck to the material including the welding rod, as the needle became challenged by bacteria outside the skin.

Dr. Love
11-03-2005, 01:24 AM
Hur hur hur

EbDawson
11-03-2005, 02:54 AM
Like a blind man at an orgy, I was gonna have to feel things out. Frank Drebin, Police Squad.

ashstralia
11-03-2005, 08:08 AM
is this some kind of a bust?

drebin: 'yes, it's quite impressive.'

jhale667
11-03-2005, 06:06 PM
That was quite the hit around the office....funny shit!

WARF
11-03-2005, 09:38 PM
I'll buy that for a dollar!