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"Christian" Lenders??
Normally I try to stick to my own policy of not posting e-mail spam, but this one was too funny to pass up.....
"Of the 40,000 spam emails I receive each week, the ones that make me
the most angry are the ones advertising "Christian Lenders," because
you know they're not Christians. It's an unethical marketing ploy to prey
upon uneducated Middle Americans who don't realize that Jews actually
offer the best interest rates.
Like Satan, I decided to test their faith. I made the following prank call to
one of these "Christian" lenders (which turned out to be Citibank), to see
if I could take out a home equity loan against my mortgage.
CHRISTIAN LENDER: Thank you for calling Citibank, this is Rob. How can
I help you?
JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, my wife and I are looking to take out a home
equity loan. We're both Christians.
CL: Okay. Can I have your name, sir?
JH: John Hargrave. Hey, you know what? Before we begin, would you
mind if we pray?
CL: [Pause] Sure.
JH: Dear Heavenly Father: I just want to thank you, Lord, for your
goodness and mercy. Jesus, I pray that you will annoint our lips, and
speak to our hearts, as Rob and I discuss this, our home equity loan.
Amen.
CL: All righty.
JH: Now it's your turn.
CL: My turn to pray?
JH: Yes.
CL: Okay. I just ... er ... [an extremely long pause] ... so, you want to
establish a home equity loan?
JH: That wasn't really much of a prayer.
CL: I'm sorry, sir.
JH: Were you just praying on the inside?
CL: Yes I was, sir. Is that OK?
JH: It didn't feel very sincere. Are you sure you guys are Christian
lenders?
CL: Yes sir. I'm Catholic, actually.
JH: [Disappointed] Oh. Catholic.
CL: I don't know why this has anything to do with the loan, sir.
JH: When did you get saved?
CL: Are we going to discuss being Christian, or are we going to discuss
getting the loan?
JH: You do go to church, or mass, or whatever your people call it?
CL: I'm not sure what that has to do with the issue right now.
JH: That sounds like a no.
CL: The issue is that I'm trying to help you out, and you're talking about
religion.
JH: Okay, I'm sorry, Rob. Only God judges. Or as we used to say at
Bible camp, "Only Joshua Judges Ruth!" Ha ha.
[We discuss the details of my loan for several minutes, and I get pre-
approved]
CL: So, is this something you're interested in doing?
JH: Well, it sounds like a pretty good deal. I can't believe you guys can
offer these loans with no interest.
CL: No interest?
JH: Right.
CL: [Exasperated] Well, of course there's interest. How's the bank going
to make money?
JH: Well Rob, surely you know about Exodus 22:25. "If you lend money
to one of my people among you who is needy, do not be like a
moneylender; charge him no interest."
CL: Why do we got to quote the Christians? Why can't we talk about the loan?
JH: We are. We're talking about what the Bible says about loans.
CL: [Sarcastically] Oh, I didn't even know they had loans back then.
JH: Of course they did.
CL: [Like I'm an idiot] Oh, they did? Okay, I'm sorry.
JH: Let's not forget Deuteronomy 23:19: "Do not charge your brother
interest, whether on money or food or anything else that may earn interest."
CL: Nice. Did you just make that up?
JH: No.
CL: I'll take your word for it.
JH: Listen, Rob. Can I lead you in a prayer of forgiveness?
CL: If you want to.
JH: Dear Lord, we know your Holy Word says that money is the root of
all evil, but we also remember that Jesus accepted the tax collectors and
moneychangers, even though they were hated back then as much as
they are now. We pray your forgiveness for Rob, Lord, and his violation
of Your Laws, like Leviticus 25:36, "Do not take interest of any kind from
him, but fear your God..."
CL: [Interrupting my prayer] Hey John, I'm going to have to go.
JH: Rob?
CL: Yeah?
JH: You've shaken my faith.
CL: I apologize for that, sir.
JH: I'm converting to Hinduism.
CL: OK. You convert to Hinduism, and I'm hanging up.
Well, the guy was Christ-like in one respect: when he hung up on me, I
think he was pretty cross.
John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is a performer, speaker, and
author of the upcoming bestseller Prank the Monkey.
"Of the 40,000 spam emails I receive each week, the ones that make me
the most angry are the ones advertising "Christian Lenders," because
you know they're not Christians. It's an unethical marketing ploy to prey
upon uneducated Middle Americans who don't realize that Jews actually
offer the best interest rates.
Like Satan, I decided to test their faith. I made the following prank call to
one of these "Christian" lenders (which turned out to be Citibank), to see
if I could take out a home equity loan against my mortgage.
CHRISTIAN LENDER: Thank you for calling Citibank, this is Rob. How can
I help you?
JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, my wife and I are looking to take out a home
equity loan. We're both Christians.
CL: Okay. Can I have your name, sir?
JH: John Hargrave. Hey, you know what? Before we begin, would you
mind if we pray?
CL: [Pause] Sure.
JH: Dear Heavenly Father: I just want to thank you, Lord, for your
goodness and mercy. Jesus, I pray that you will annoint our lips, and
speak to our hearts, as Rob and I discuss this, our home equity loan.
Amen.
CL: All righty.
JH: Now it's your turn.
CL: My turn to pray?
JH: Yes.
CL: Okay. I just ... er ... [an extremely long pause] ... so, you want to
establish a home equity loan?
JH: That wasn't really much of a prayer.
CL: I'm sorry, sir.
JH: Were you just praying on the inside?
CL: Yes I was, sir. Is that OK?
JH: It didn't feel very sincere. Are you sure you guys are Christian
lenders?
CL: Yes sir. I'm Catholic, actually.
JH: [Disappointed] Oh. Catholic.
CL: I don't know why this has anything to do with the loan, sir.
JH: When did you get saved?
CL: Are we going to discuss being Christian, or are we going to discuss
getting the loan?
JH: You do go to church, or mass, or whatever your people call it?
CL: I'm not sure what that has to do with the issue right now.
JH: That sounds like a no.
CL: The issue is that I'm trying to help you out, and you're talking about
religion.
JH: Okay, I'm sorry, Rob. Only God judges. Or as we used to say at
Bible camp, "Only Joshua Judges Ruth!" Ha ha.
[We discuss the details of my loan for several minutes, and I get pre-
approved]
CL: So, is this something you're interested in doing?
JH: Well, it sounds like a pretty good deal. I can't believe you guys can
offer these loans with no interest.
CL: No interest?
JH: Right.
CL: [Exasperated] Well, of course there's interest. How's the bank going
to make money?
JH: Well Rob, surely you know about Exodus 22:25. "If you lend money
to one of my people among you who is needy, do not be like a
moneylender; charge him no interest."
CL: Why do we got to quote the Christians? Why can't we talk about the loan?
JH: We are. We're talking about what the Bible says about loans.
CL: [Sarcastically] Oh, I didn't even know they had loans back then.
JH: Of course they did.
CL: [Like I'm an idiot] Oh, they did? Okay, I'm sorry.
JH: Let's not forget Deuteronomy 23:19: "Do not charge your brother
interest, whether on money or food or anything else that may earn interest."
CL: Nice. Did you just make that up?
JH: No.
CL: I'll take your word for it.
JH: Listen, Rob. Can I lead you in a prayer of forgiveness?
CL: If you want to.
JH: Dear Lord, we know your Holy Word says that money is the root of
all evil, but we also remember that Jesus accepted the tax collectors and
moneychangers, even though they were hated back then as much as
they are now. We pray your forgiveness for Rob, Lord, and his violation
of Your Laws, like Leviticus 25:36, "Do not take interest of any kind from
him, but fear your God..."
CL: [Interrupting my prayer] Hey John, I'm going to have to go.
JH: Rob?
CL: Yeah?
JH: You've shaken my faith.
CL: I apologize for that, sir.
JH: I'm converting to Hinduism.
CL: OK. You convert to Hinduism, and I'm hanging up.
Well, the guy was Christ-like in one respect: when he hung up on me, I
think he was pretty cross.
John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is a performer, speaker, and
author of the upcoming bestseller Prank the Monkey.
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