FORD
12-16-2007, 05:44 PM
Silent F*cking Night
by Frankenoid
Thu Dec 13, 2007 at 04:27:16 PM PST
As I've wallowed in Christmas music the last couple of weeks, I've pondered the traditions of the Christmas story; and I've come to a conclusion.
Mary was shafted.
There she is, 8+ months pregnant, having been dragged all over to Israel on the back of a fucking donkey. I know that when I was 8 months pregnant, I had a hard time riding for two hours in a car to attend my father-in-law's funeral.
And men just do not understand how often one has to pee when there's a baby sitting on one's bladder, especially when one is being jiggled by travel. Do you think Joseph cheerfully stopped every 15 minutes for a potty break, heaving Mary on and off the donkey with nary a complaint? I mean, he didn't even get the fun of the conception. That had to have had an effect on his equanimity during the pregnancy.
So they pull into Bethlehem, and Joseph can't even come up with a room at a Motel 6. Mary must have felt as if her damned back was breaking, even before she went into labor.
And let's think about that for a little bit, shall we? Mary was a first-time mother. Her labor would have lasted a long, long time. I went for 23 hours between my water breaking and the delivery of my eldest child, so I'm guessing Mary was in labor for 12 hours at least — with no option for an epidural.
Yeah, I suppose God could have given Mary a short and pain-free labor. After all, she was doing him a pretty damned big favor, being a surrogate mother and all. But were that the case, I'm pretty sure that would have been mentioned as one of the miracles of the miraculous birth. Besides, this is a male God. He wouldn't have thought of giving Mary a break. You know, it's one of those "wimmin things".
And speaking of "wimmin things", who helped deliver Baby Jesus? There's no mention of any women being around. Did Joseph run for a midwife and, if so, why don't we know about it? We do know that Joseph couldn't assist. For one thing, he didn't know nothing about birthing no babies. Mary was a first time mother, but Joseph wasn't even a first-time father! Besides, according to the Jewish law of niddah, Mary was unclean as soon as her water broke. Not Joseph, nor the innkeeper, nor the shepherds, nor any other Jewish man could touch her. So I guess she was on her own.
Beyond that, what was Mary using for a bed? We know all about the Little Lord Jesus being tucked away in a manger after-the-fact, but what did Mary labor upon? I doubt that the innkeeper kept a birthing stool in the cow barn; so I'm guessing our poor girl was relegated to a pile of straw. In a stinky barn. Yeah — she was in a cow barn.
Do you think Mary suffered it all in stoic silence? I very much have my doubts: more likely, she was cursing the male who put her in that position, especially since He had it in His power to spare her the ordeal. Jesus was born of a woman, not a saint — and any real woman would have been screaming her head off.
So here we have Mary, who had jogged around the countryside on a donkey, not getting a decent night's sleep in weeks; having labored mightily to bring for the Child with no assistance from a knowledgeable woman; bedded down in stable amongst the oxen and cows and ducks and pigs and sheep — the poor girl needs to get some rest. I know that after I gave birth, the last thing I wanted was a parade of visitors. I just wanted to get some goddamned sleep.
But poor Mary — what happens to her? Why, a veritable convention breaks out! First you have the animals already in the barn — "the cattle are lowing, the poor Baby wakes".
The Angels start in with their trumpets, and their harps of gold, bending near the earth to sing "hark! Glory to the newborn King!" And the shepherds arrive with their flocks — you don't think they left them out in the pastures unguarded, do you? Those sheep were the only wealth they had, they wouldn't just leave them there.
Yeah, the Angels did a great fucking job, calling everyone and their brother to traipse through the cow barn and stare at the Baby, with no consideration at all of what Mary needed. By the time the Little Drummer Boy arrived, Mary probably had to be restrained from grabbing a shepherd's crook and beating the kid with it, before wailing shit on the shepherds, the wise men, the angels, the sheep and Joseph for good measure.
It would be the only way she could get a Silent Fucking Night.
Link (http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2007/12/13/192025/04)
by Frankenoid
Thu Dec 13, 2007 at 04:27:16 PM PST
As I've wallowed in Christmas music the last couple of weeks, I've pondered the traditions of the Christmas story; and I've come to a conclusion.
Mary was shafted.
There she is, 8+ months pregnant, having been dragged all over to Israel on the back of a fucking donkey. I know that when I was 8 months pregnant, I had a hard time riding for two hours in a car to attend my father-in-law's funeral.
And men just do not understand how often one has to pee when there's a baby sitting on one's bladder, especially when one is being jiggled by travel. Do you think Joseph cheerfully stopped every 15 minutes for a potty break, heaving Mary on and off the donkey with nary a complaint? I mean, he didn't even get the fun of the conception. That had to have had an effect on his equanimity during the pregnancy.
So they pull into Bethlehem, and Joseph can't even come up with a room at a Motel 6. Mary must have felt as if her damned back was breaking, even before she went into labor.
And let's think about that for a little bit, shall we? Mary was a first-time mother. Her labor would have lasted a long, long time. I went for 23 hours between my water breaking and the delivery of my eldest child, so I'm guessing Mary was in labor for 12 hours at least — with no option for an epidural.
Yeah, I suppose God could have given Mary a short and pain-free labor. After all, she was doing him a pretty damned big favor, being a surrogate mother and all. But were that the case, I'm pretty sure that would have been mentioned as one of the miracles of the miraculous birth. Besides, this is a male God. He wouldn't have thought of giving Mary a break. You know, it's one of those "wimmin things".
And speaking of "wimmin things", who helped deliver Baby Jesus? There's no mention of any women being around. Did Joseph run for a midwife and, if so, why don't we know about it? We do know that Joseph couldn't assist. For one thing, he didn't know nothing about birthing no babies. Mary was a first time mother, but Joseph wasn't even a first-time father! Besides, according to the Jewish law of niddah, Mary was unclean as soon as her water broke. Not Joseph, nor the innkeeper, nor the shepherds, nor any other Jewish man could touch her. So I guess she was on her own.
Beyond that, what was Mary using for a bed? We know all about the Little Lord Jesus being tucked away in a manger after-the-fact, but what did Mary labor upon? I doubt that the innkeeper kept a birthing stool in the cow barn; so I'm guessing our poor girl was relegated to a pile of straw. In a stinky barn. Yeah — she was in a cow barn.
Do you think Mary suffered it all in stoic silence? I very much have my doubts: more likely, she was cursing the male who put her in that position, especially since He had it in His power to spare her the ordeal. Jesus was born of a woman, not a saint — and any real woman would have been screaming her head off.
So here we have Mary, who had jogged around the countryside on a donkey, not getting a decent night's sleep in weeks; having labored mightily to bring for the Child with no assistance from a knowledgeable woman; bedded down in stable amongst the oxen and cows and ducks and pigs and sheep — the poor girl needs to get some rest. I know that after I gave birth, the last thing I wanted was a parade of visitors. I just wanted to get some goddamned sleep.
But poor Mary — what happens to her? Why, a veritable convention breaks out! First you have the animals already in the barn — "the cattle are lowing, the poor Baby wakes".
The Angels start in with their trumpets, and their harps of gold, bending near the earth to sing "hark! Glory to the newborn King!" And the shepherds arrive with their flocks — you don't think they left them out in the pastures unguarded, do you? Those sheep were the only wealth they had, they wouldn't just leave them there.
Yeah, the Angels did a great fucking job, calling everyone and their brother to traipse through the cow barn and stare at the Baby, with no consideration at all of what Mary needed. By the time the Little Drummer Boy arrived, Mary probably had to be restrained from grabbing a shepherd's crook and beating the kid with it, before wailing shit on the shepherds, the wise men, the angels, the sheep and Joseph for good measure.
It would be the only way she could get a Silent Fucking Night.
Link (http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2007/12/13/192025/04)