View Full Version : Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Ozzy Fudd
01-27-2008, 01:38 PM
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? ? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A Bitch !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

Douglas T.
01-27-2008, 06:08 PM
Nice! I got my gal one too ... think I'll take it for a spin!

01-28-2008, 09:56 PM


The first thing that came to mind when I read the thread
title was what you said, that she would end up using it on
me all the time.. lol....

Man what a funny story !!

Hey Ozzy, I've heard they are great for masturbation, heheheh
(God I hope he doesnt take me seriously)

01-28-2008, 10:55 PM

Ozzy Fudd
01-29-2008, 06:26 PM
This is my friends, friend. he (my buddy) sent this to me I'm not that fucked up....:rolleyes: sometimes, i had to share this with ya's.

01-29-2008, 07:11 PM
I have been shot with a model X26 TASER for my job. I work in corrections and had to be shot with it to be certified to carry it. I can tell you from personal experience that it is a feeling you will not soon forget. The TASER brand guns are some bad ass mofos that are a level above the other brands. If I could get a hold of the video of me being shot I would post it here "I made sure to wear my METALLICA Ride the Lightning" t shirt. You tube has some funny TASER videos just type in the search "TASER".

01-29-2008, 08:01 PM
Damn, there goes all the oppurtunity for drummer jokes :(

Ozzy Fudd
01-29-2008, 08:18 PM
Originally posted by Panamark
Damn, there goes all the oppurtunity for drummer jokes :(

I'm not all that funny anymore...really! this last Practice really sucked. they should look for a new YOUNGER Drummer. my friggin hands throb with pain for days. Arthritis is a MOFO. an fuck that Advil commercial. they sux:D

01-29-2008, 08:45 PM
Originally posted by Ozzy Fudd
I'm not all that funny anymore...really! this last Practice really sucked. they should look for a new YOUNGER Drummer. my friggin hands throb with pain for days. Arthritis is a MOFO. an fuck that Advil commercial. they sux:D

Sorry to hear that mate.. I read once that you can play the
immigrant song, if you are playing shit like that constantly
I can imagine you would get sore..

There was some good arthristis drugs, but they have all been
taken off the market as they all posed heart risks...
When I broke my arm in 8 places they put me on one of
the now banned ones, and it was great, kinda like SUPER ADVIL !
But dudes were keeling over from heart attacks all over the place..

I believe they are close to releasing a new generation of meds,
hopefully soon, and maybe you can pound without pain ! Hope so..

01-29-2008, 08:53 PM
Celebrex was the name of the shit I was taking...
But to the best of my knowledge they pulled it
off the shelves. I was only on it for the first part
of my recovery, but it was great shit.

01-29-2008, 11:18 PM
Enter the Tazing


01-29-2008, 11:41 PM
Try hot wax hand dips. The last time my left hand ached from too much guitar I slapped on a surgical glove and soaked my hand in wax for a little while. Ahhhhhhhh...

Ozzy Fudd
01-30-2008, 09:04 PM
I gotta do something.. I used that glucosamine sulfate for about 1 month, that stuff gave me the farts like bad lol:D

01-31-2008, 06:19 AM
Im allergic to Sulphar... fook that shit..
The hot wax dips sound cool..

Hmmm.. condoms... hot wax dips.....

VH'er, you party animal !!!

01-31-2008, 08:11 AM
Absolutely outstanding!!!

"testicles nowhere to be found....". I'll bet, they'll have gone into hibernation!

01-31-2008, 08:16 AM
:rockit2: :lookie: :rockit2:

The Conair model I have came as a gift from VanHalenette's momma, but has since been discontinued.

Check out this down under action...

01-31-2008, 08:24 AM
Originally posted by Douglas T.
...I got my gal one too ...

Been asking mine to carry something for a while now and I think she's warming up to the power in some of todays smaller models. I think I'll read the local regs and shop around.

I hope they cut this guy some slack for his excellent product endorsement...

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01-31-2008, 08:37 AM
Any man who attacks a woman deserves to feel that kind of pain.