BigBadBrian
05-18-2004, 02:40 PM
I'm posting this under the political area since I'm sure it will spark some heated political debate..... ......... :D
THE RETROSEXUAL MAN
Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand
and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all
that can be seen are effeminate men prancing about,
redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts
like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual,
homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual, metrosexual,
non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual-bogus
definitions have taken over the urban and suburban
world!
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt,
belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start
of a new offensive in the culture wars, the
Retrosexual movement.
The RetroSexual Code :
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in
his house on National TV.
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS
FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the
ones that fit that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT! Be it a flat tire,
break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you
DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills
it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90.
It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90
years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I
salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products
than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of
stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps
if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic
when he's 30 Years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff
(or people) if need be. This falls under the "DEALING
WITH IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the
title.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of
manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major
re-invention of yourself will only lead to you
becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run,
she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for
major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction,
death of your entire family in a freak treechipper
accident, favorite sports team being moved to a
different city, or favorite bird dog expiring, etc.
You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy
didn't pay you enough attention to you. Daddy was busy
DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with
you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his
wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when
wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he
can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools.
If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole,
practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully
ridiculed for the wuss you are.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign
that your are riddled with fear. Guns are TOOLS and
are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just
plain fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexaul
may cry, and none of them have to do with TV
commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are
sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of
release is swearing or throwing the remote control.
Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include, but are
not limited to, death of a loved one, death of a pet
(fish do NOT count as pets in this case), and loss of
a major body part.
A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in
Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French
maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or
"Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable
ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless
Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or
II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather Trilogy, Scarface,
The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack,
Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond
Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie,
Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight
Club, etc.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a
commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman
gets on, that retrosexual is required to stand up and
offer his seat to that woman. He then looks around at
the other so-called men still in their seats with a
disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge of
Allegiance properly, and with the correct emphasis and
pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star
Spangled Banner.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife
and mother do not understand, but that are essential
to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable
manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a
serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing,
shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and
kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard)
without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph,
without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride
on a plow berm.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it
land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he
damn well wanted it to land.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not
only any women but any elderly person or person in
military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt) NOTE:
The person in military dress may turn down the offer
but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to
them and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a
handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his
word even if circumstances change or the other person
deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue
someone when he does something stupid and hurts
himself. We understand that sometimes in the process
of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!
THE RETROSEXUAL MAN
Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand
and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all
that can be seen are effeminate men prancing about,
redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts
like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual,
homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual, metrosexual,
non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual-bogus
definitions have taken over the urban and suburban
world!
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt,
belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start
of a new offensive in the culture wars, the
Retrosexual movement.
The RetroSexual Code :
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in
his house on National TV.
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS
FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the
ones that fit that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT! Be it a flat tire,
break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you
DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills
it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90.
It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90
years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I
salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products
than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of
stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps
if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic
when he's 30 Years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff
(or people) if need be. This falls under the "DEALING
WITH IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the
title.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of
manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major
re-invention of yourself will only lead to you
becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run,
she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for
major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction,
death of your entire family in a freak treechipper
accident, favorite sports team being moved to a
different city, or favorite bird dog expiring, etc.
You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy
didn't pay you enough attention to you. Daddy was busy
DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with
you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his
wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when
wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he
can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools.
If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole,
practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully
ridiculed for the wuss you are.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign
that your are riddled with fear. Guns are TOOLS and
are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just
plain fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexaul
may cry, and none of them have to do with TV
commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are
sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of
release is swearing or throwing the remote control.
Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include, but are
not limited to, death of a loved one, death of a pet
(fish do NOT count as pets in this case), and loss of
a major body part.
A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in
Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French
maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or
"Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable
ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless
Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or
II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather Trilogy, Scarface,
The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack,
Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond
Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie,
Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight
Club, etc.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a
commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman
gets on, that retrosexual is required to stand up and
offer his seat to that woman. He then looks around at
the other so-called men still in their seats with a
disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge of
Allegiance properly, and with the correct emphasis and
pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star
Spangled Banner.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife
and mother do not understand, but that are essential
to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable
manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a
serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing,
shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and
kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard)
without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph,
without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride
on a plow berm.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it
land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he
damn well wanted it to land.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not
only any women but any elderly person or person in
military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt) NOTE:
The person in military dress may turn down the offer
but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to
them and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a
handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his
word even if circumstances change or the other person
deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue
someone when he does something stupid and hurts
himself. We understand that sometimes in the process
of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!