Combat Ready
03-20-2008, 01:39 PM
With the recent heightened concern regarding Scientology, I feel it necessary to shed some light on a lesser known, although equally controversial religion taking the world by storm!
Jemima's Witnesses
General Here is a more detailed and in depth look to their beliefs. Questions and Answers What is the pancake? The pancake is the most perfect food, being heavenly bread cooked on a griddle, pleasing to the Lord and most fruitful for nourishment. What ought we to do with the pancake? Being most fruitful for nourishment, the pancake ought to be consumed in a worthy manner, and not partaken of wrongfully, as the heathen and reprobate do, to their eternal shame and condemnation. How does one discern the true pancake and the true syrup? Both the true pancake and the true syrup bear the seal of Jemima, as shown above. How do we know other syrups are evil? Because they talk, either audibly, as in the case of the demon-possessed Mrs. Butterworth, or subliminally, as with all other syrups, except those bearing the seal of Jemima. Where did false pancakes and false syrups come from? God created man with the capacity to fashion the false pancake and false syrup in such a way that God is the author neither of evil nor the false pancake nor false syrup. Who may eat the pancake? All those who recognize their unworthiness to consume the pancake and call upon Jemima may eat of the pancake. What happens to the pancake after I have eaten it? The very light and fluffy pancake is immediately rewarded with the beatific vision, while the soggy and slightly burnt must undergo a time of cleansing in pancake purgatory before being admitted into heaven. The false pancakes will burn forever, where there is weeping and mashing by teeth. Will I recognize my pancake in heaven? Due to the glorified nature of the pancake, your eyes may at first be blinded by its shining radiance and so be unable to recognize it immediately, but be ye not afraid, for the pancake will surely know you. Who may be assured of seeing the glorified pancake? All those who, from the bountiful provision the Lord God has given unto them, offer up a portion to the Jemima's Witnesses.
Spreading the gospel of pancakes. Eating pancakes and drinking gallons of Aunt Jemima's syrup.
Jemima's Witnesses Blurbs---One believers take
I am a devout believer in Pancakes and Aunt Jemima's Syrup. Pancakes are wonderful and can heal the soul. Pancakes give meaning to life, and can help you through any situation in life. You may have seen us on the street, offering our pancakes to passersby. Or you may have spoken briefly with us at your door. Jemima's Witnesses are interested in pancakes and the world enjoying their goodness. We want to be your friends and to tell you more about pancakes, wonderful Aunt Jemima's syrup, and how we feel about pancakes and the world in which all of them live. To accomplish this, we have prepared this myspace page for you. Be a believer and join the cause in spreading the good word about pancakes. If you love pancakes don't feel afraid to call yourself a Jemima's Witness.
Look forward to the Army's take on this growing force known to the world...As Jemima's Witnesses.
Jemima's Witnesses
General Here is a more detailed and in depth look to their beliefs. Questions and Answers What is the pancake? The pancake is the most perfect food, being heavenly bread cooked on a griddle, pleasing to the Lord and most fruitful for nourishment. What ought we to do with the pancake? Being most fruitful for nourishment, the pancake ought to be consumed in a worthy manner, and not partaken of wrongfully, as the heathen and reprobate do, to their eternal shame and condemnation. How does one discern the true pancake and the true syrup? Both the true pancake and the true syrup bear the seal of Jemima, as shown above. How do we know other syrups are evil? Because they talk, either audibly, as in the case of the demon-possessed Mrs. Butterworth, or subliminally, as with all other syrups, except those bearing the seal of Jemima. Where did false pancakes and false syrups come from? God created man with the capacity to fashion the false pancake and false syrup in such a way that God is the author neither of evil nor the false pancake nor false syrup. Who may eat the pancake? All those who recognize their unworthiness to consume the pancake and call upon Jemima may eat of the pancake. What happens to the pancake after I have eaten it? The very light and fluffy pancake is immediately rewarded with the beatific vision, while the soggy and slightly burnt must undergo a time of cleansing in pancake purgatory before being admitted into heaven. The false pancakes will burn forever, where there is weeping and mashing by teeth. Will I recognize my pancake in heaven? Due to the glorified nature of the pancake, your eyes may at first be blinded by its shining radiance and so be unable to recognize it immediately, but be ye not afraid, for the pancake will surely know you. Who may be assured of seeing the glorified pancake? All those who, from the bountiful provision the Lord God has given unto them, offer up a portion to the Jemima's Witnesses.
Spreading the gospel of pancakes. Eating pancakes and drinking gallons of Aunt Jemima's syrup.
Jemima's Witnesses Blurbs---One believers take
I am a devout believer in Pancakes and Aunt Jemima's Syrup. Pancakes are wonderful and can heal the soul. Pancakes give meaning to life, and can help you through any situation in life. You may have seen us on the street, offering our pancakes to passersby. Or you may have spoken briefly with us at your door. Jemima's Witnesses are interested in pancakes and the world enjoying their goodness. We want to be your friends and to tell you more about pancakes, wonderful Aunt Jemima's syrup, and how we feel about pancakes and the world in which all of them live. To accomplish this, we have prepared this myspace page for you. Be a believer and join the cause in spreading the good word about pancakes. If you love pancakes don't feel afraid to call yourself a Jemima's Witness.
Look forward to the Army's take on this growing force known to the world...As Jemima's Witnesses.