VH Drummer
08-18-2009, 11:46 PM
Let me preface this by saying that there are a lot of plot holes here because the story moves so fast. It is intentional. This is not supposed to be smart humor, but rather dark, absurd humor.
BLAME IT ON THE AMISH
"Hi, I'm Matt Mathewson. I like to play wrestling guys and I make egg-mazing omelets. Let's fun this up!"
Matt was talking to the mirror again. He was practicing for the day he might actually meet someone whom he'd say that to. He had been practicing that for years. Today was his birthday party and nobody was there--mom, dad, friends, cousins, neighbors, the mailman--no one. Maybe because he didn't really have any friends; his parents didn't even really exist. He was alone in his own universe, left to play wrestling guys by himself.
"Oh, nobody is ever going to remember my birthday," said Matt. He got some peanut butter and walked into the living room and sat on the couch with his fuzzy little bear. His name was Nuggets and he was a thousand years old, the oldest bear ever.
"Oh, Nuggets, I love you. You've always been there for me," a loving Matt lamented. Like every night, Matt began to lose his sanity. He hugged the bear and then began to pet its head. Matt often dreamed of collecting a whole family of bears to substitute for the family he didn't have. When this realization sounded too good to be true, Matt went to bed crying--again.
"Doesn't anybody care about me?" The answer was a familiar silence in the dark. The only voices he heard at home were that of his conscience and Nuggets. So as it was the previous night and the night before, Matt went to bed alone, but holding Nuggets ever so tightly.
The next day at school was typical. While at his locker, his usual bully drew near.
"Hey, loser, get out of my way!" screamed Kip Barth, the varsity football captain.
"Sorry, captain," Matt said.
Kip pushed Matt into the locker anyway. Kip had been a tough guy ever since elementary school when he set off fireworks in the teacher's desk. While he found the act hilarious, the EMTs later remarked that they had never seen burns so bad from fireworks. (The teacher later underwent a frontal lobotomy communicating only through firework noise imitations.)
Matt went on walking down the hall wishing that his only friend, Nuggets were there to defend him. Nuggets would surely teach Kip some manners. He walked into class just as the bell rang and noticed that there was a new student--a glum-looking boy just like him.
Matt sat down next to the new student hoping to strike up a conversation. Anxiety rushed through him as his nerves began to overload. The new student turned towards him in an almost machine-like manner, smiled a still smile and widened his eyes without blinking.
"Hi, I'm John. I'm Amish. My friends call me Amish John." He paused and sighed, "If I did have friends."
"Amish John, you could be my one and only...well, I do have one, a bear named Nuggets."
"A REAL BEAR?" asked Amish John.
"In my heart he's real. But everyone else says it's stuffed with polyester in child labor factories in third world markets," Matt said.
"Well...I have a cow named Noodles," said Amish John. "Sometimes, I pretend to milk him but nothing ever happens, it can be very frustrating."
Matt was excited and took the opportunity to re-introduce himself as rehearsed for the past fourteen years.
"Hi, I'm Matt Mathewson. I like to play wrestling guys and I make egg-mazing omelets. Want to set-up a play-date with me?"
"Okay!" Answered John. For the first time in his life, Matt made a friend--a real friend, not a bear.
"Amish John, come over an hour after school. If you're not on time, I'll whip you for being naughty," said Matt.
* * *
The butterflies set in quickly; it was almost time for the play-date. Matt made tea for John, Noodles, Nuggets, and himself. The doorbell rang. It was time. Matt quickly ran to the door and opened it for Amish John.
"I wore a dress because my mom said I look pretty in this. She thinks it's a real date, lol," said Amish John.
"You just said 'lol,' I say that too!" Matt joyfully said. He--with Nuggets wrapped around his waist--walked John and Noodles into the kitchen where they nearly fainted.
"Oh, my God, tea for me and Noodles?" asked Amish John. Matt poured the tea and...well...they...drank it. They laughed and yelled about puns and how they could never understand them. Matt found the conversation boring and had little respect for Amish John. So he cut him off mid-conversation to tell him that he was going to tryout for the varsity football team.
"You can't beat Kip at anything in life, he takes steroids," John said.
"Considering how attractive he is in addition to his strength, it'll be hard for you to win."
Matt began to think positively. He had a plan, an explosive plan.
"C'mon, Nuggets, it's time to take one for the team," he said. He was tired of having Amish John in his house. He stood up from the table as anger filled inside him. He pointed at Amish John forcibly.
"Get the fuck out of my house, now!" Matt adamantly said. Finally growing a pair for the first time, Matt began what appeared to be an extreme mental breakdown.
He cut off Nuggets' head and, using The Anarchist Cookbook, stuffed a "surprise" in Nuggets to give to Kip on the way to school tomorrow--that would secure his spot on the team--despite the fact that he had no athletic ability whatsoever.
That night in bed, all Matt could think about was being on the football team and being a star (and of course blowing Kip up).
The next morning he woke up knowing what he had to do--destroy. Matt packed up his sack lunch, grabbed his backpack and Nuggets and headed out the door. He was angry and determined; this was it. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Amish John.
"Hey Matt, how are you? Listen, I was wondering if you'd be interesting in coming to a pun convention this weekend," said John.
Amish John wasn't able to take a hint that Matt didn't want anything to do with him.
"You made Nuggets angry last night. You made me angry last night. You suck. You ruined everything. I hate you and so does Nuggets," Matt said.
Amish John gasped for air for a moment. He was unable to grasp the events of the past twenty-four hours. After a few breaths, he accepted his fate as a permanent loser and walked away. Matt continued his quest on the way to school and finally saw Kip within distance. He was ready. The anger was brewing; it was time to take him out. Matt ran towards Kip and gripped Nuggets by the neck to throw him but Matt took an awful tumble. Nuggets fell far away and Matt skinned his knee.
Kip did not notice Matt's fall but came across Nuggets. After investigating the bear he realized it was--of all things, a bear bomb. Desperate to get rid of the bomb, he sought out Amish John, and using that million-dollar-golden-rocket-gun-pistol-cannon of an arm, he hurled Nuggets the Bear Bomb at Amish John. Within seconds the bomb had detonated. Amish John was murdered along with Nuggets, but for the sake of vocabulary, let us say that both characters were assassinated.
BLAME IT ON THE AMISH
"Hi, I'm Matt Mathewson. I like to play wrestling guys and I make egg-mazing omelets. Let's fun this up!"
Matt was talking to the mirror again. He was practicing for the day he might actually meet someone whom he'd say that to. He had been practicing that for years. Today was his birthday party and nobody was there--mom, dad, friends, cousins, neighbors, the mailman--no one. Maybe because he didn't really have any friends; his parents didn't even really exist. He was alone in his own universe, left to play wrestling guys by himself.
"Oh, nobody is ever going to remember my birthday," said Matt. He got some peanut butter and walked into the living room and sat on the couch with his fuzzy little bear. His name was Nuggets and he was a thousand years old, the oldest bear ever.
"Oh, Nuggets, I love you. You've always been there for me," a loving Matt lamented. Like every night, Matt began to lose his sanity. He hugged the bear and then began to pet its head. Matt often dreamed of collecting a whole family of bears to substitute for the family he didn't have. When this realization sounded too good to be true, Matt went to bed crying--again.
"Doesn't anybody care about me?" The answer was a familiar silence in the dark. The only voices he heard at home were that of his conscience and Nuggets. So as it was the previous night and the night before, Matt went to bed alone, but holding Nuggets ever so tightly.
The next day at school was typical. While at his locker, his usual bully drew near.
"Hey, loser, get out of my way!" screamed Kip Barth, the varsity football captain.
"Sorry, captain," Matt said.
Kip pushed Matt into the locker anyway. Kip had been a tough guy ever since elementary school when he set off fireworks in the teacher's desk. While he found the act hilarious, the EMTs later remarked that they had never seen burns so bad from fireworks. (The teacher later underwent a frontal lobotomy communicating only through firework noise imitations.)
Matt went on walking down the hall wishing that his only friend, Nuggets were there to defend him. Nuggets would surely teach Kip some manners. He walked into class just as the bell rang and noticed that there was a new student--a glum-looking boy just like him.
Matt sat down next to the new student hoping to strike up a conversation. Anxiety rushed through him as his nerves began to overload. The new student turned towards him in an almost machine-like manner, smiled a still smile and widened his eyes without blinking.
"Hi, I'm John. I'm Amish. My friends call me Amish John." He paused and sighed, "If I did have friends."
"Amish John, you could be my one and only...well, I do have one, a bear named Nuggets."
"A REAL BEAR?" asked Amish John.
"In my heart he's real. But everyone else says it's stuffed with polyester in child labor factories in third world markets," Matt said.
"Well...I have a cow named Noodles," said Amish John. "Sometimes, I pretend to milk him but nothing ever happens, it can be very frustrating."
Matt was excited and took the opportunity to re-introduce himself as rehearsed for the past fourteen years.
"Hi, I'm Matt Mathewson. I like to play wrestling guys and I make egg-mazing omelets. Want to set-up a play-date with me?"
"Okay!" Answered John. For the first time in his life, Matt made a friend--a real friend, not a bear.
"Amish John, come over an hour after school. If you're not on time, I'll whip you for being naughty," said Matt.
* * *
The butterflies set in quickly; it was almost time for the play-date. Matt made tea for John, Noodles, Nuggets, and himself. The doorbell rang. It was time. Matt quickly ran to the door and opened it for Amish John.
"I wore a dress because my mom said I look pretty in this. She thinks it's a real date, lol," said Amish John.
"You just said 'lol,' I say that too!" Matt joyfully said. He--with Nuggets wrapped around his waist--walked John and Noodles into the kitchen where they nearly fainted.
"Oh, my God, tea for me and Noodles?" asked Amish John. Matt poured the tea and...well...they...drank it. They laughed and yelled about puns and how they could never understand them. Matt found the conversation boring and had little respect for Amish John. So he cut him off mid-conversation to tell him that he was going to tryout for the varsity football team.
"You can't beat Kip at anything in life, he takes steroids," John said.
"Considering how attractive he is in addition to his strength, it'll be hard for you to win."
Matt began to think positively. He had a plan, an explosive plan.
"C'mon, Nuggets, it's time to take one for the team," he said. He was tired of having Amish John in his house. He stood up from the table as anger filled inside him. He pointed at Amish John forcibly.
"Get the fuck out of my house, now!" Matt adamantly said. Finally growing a pair for the first time, Matt began what appeared to be an extreme mental breakdown.
He cut off Nuggets' head and, using The Anarchist Cookbook, stuffed a "surprise" in Nuggets to give to Kip on the way to school tomorrow--that would secure his spot on the team--despite the fact that he had no athletic ability whatsoever.
That night in bed, all Matt could think about was being on the football team and being a star (and of course blowing Kip up).
The next morning he woke up knowing what he had to do--destroy. Matt packed up his sack lunch, grabbed his backpack and Nuggets and headed out the door. He was angry and determined; this was it. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Amish John.
"Hey Matt, how are you? Listen, I was wondering if you'd be interesting in coming to a pun convention this weekend," said John.
Amish John wasn't able to take a hint that Matt didn't want anything to do with him.
"You made Nuggets angry last night. You made me angry last night. You suck. You ruined everything. I hate you and so does Nuggets," Matt said.
Amish John gasped for air for a moment. He was unable to grasp the events of the past twenty-four hours. After a few breaths, he accepted his fate as a permanent loser and walked away. Matt continued his quest on the way to school and finally saw Kip within distance. He was ready. The anger was brewing; it was time to take him out. Matt ran towards Kip and gripped Nuggets by the neck to throw him but Matt took an awful tumble. Nuggets fell far away and Matt skinned his knee.
Kip did not notice Matt's fall but came across Nuggets. After investigating the bear he realized it was--of all things, a bear bomb. Desperate to get rid of the bomb, he sought out Amish John, and using that million-dollar-golden-rocket-gun-pistol-cannon of an arm, he hurled Nuggets the Bear Bomb at Amish John. Within seconds the bomb had detonated. Amish John was murdered along with Nuggets, but for the sake of vocabulary, let us say that both characters were assassinated.