Open letter to Alcohol. [Archive] - The Diamond David Lee Roth Army

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Anonymous

11-10-2009, 12:38 PM

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden
inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings).

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication
is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m.
can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's?
Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during
the day, let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I
eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale
chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese
curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too
far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more
yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
(face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no
later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan

Oh, and
Cheers! :bottle:

Coyote

11-10-2009, 12:49 PM

What? No mention of the negative effect on ones coch?

FORD

11-10-2009, 12:55 PM

What? No mention of the negative effect on ones coch?

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Sensible Shoes

11-10-2009, 12:57 PM

Ah this shit came from therapy didn't it. Subtle humor won't work - I'm still getting shitfaced when I want to. And just to prove that point, I'm going to go make some lovely vodka thing suitable for early afternoon.

Anonymous

11-10-2009, 01:01 PM

What? No mention of the negative effect on ones coch?

Whenever that happens, I block it out of my mind, and go back to my younger days, where I COULD get a hard-on, and pound her all night, because I just couldn't finish. Too numb.

Ah this shit came from therapy didn't it. Subtle humor won't work - I'm still getting shitfaced when I want to. And just to prove that point, I'm going to go make some lovely vodka thing suitable for early afternoon.

As longs as it's when YOU want to,m and not when the booze wants to.

The best way to know that is to have one drink.

Often - like yesterday - I feel like having a drink. Just that. ONE drink, no more.

Alcoholics can't stop drinking once they've tasted it. And THAT is the problem.

Cheers! :bottle:

Sensible Shoes

11-10-2009, 05:00 PM

I have a family of alcoholics and am very aware of what the disease is. But I completely HATE all that AA shit.

lesfunk

11-10-2009, 05:18 PM

I say "Drink Up Shriners!"

ELVIS

11-11-2009, 09:26 AM

But I completely HATE all that AA shit.

Sounds like you've been there...

ELVIS

11-11-2009, 09:28 AM

Sensible Shoes

11-11-2009, 09:30 AM

Sounds like you've been there...

Nope. Just have some people very close to me who have.

ELVIS

11-11-2009, 09:36 AM

Then why would you say you hate it ??

Sensible Shoes

11-11-2009, 09:42 AM

jharp84

11-11-2009, 09:55 AM

I have a family of alcoholics and am very aware of what the disease is. But I completely HATE all that AA shit.

God Bless U! Same here! I am fighting the "good fight" Soon though! Not yet! :umm:

ELVIS

11-11-2009, 10:04 AM

Just an opinion, I have lots of unpopular ones, and I'm aware that there are people who SWEAR by AA and other 12 step programs. I just don't buy it.

It's not my cup of tea either, but it does work for many people. It takes a lot of strength to walk in those doors on your own, and I have been there on my own and as a result of a court order. You get out of it what you put into it, as with anything...

I was just wondering why you would say you hate it...

Peace!

:elvis:

sonrisa salvaje

11-11-2009, 10:56 AM

Been there, done that and got a tee shirt. Haven't had a drink in 6 years. However, it wasn't the 12 steps that made me quit. It was the 4 step process.
The threat of:
1. divorce
2. losing my kids
3. child support
4. alimony

ELVIS

11-11-2009, 11:03 AM

:biggrin:

I'm really not laughing...

sonrisa salvaje

11-11-2009, 11:47 AM

It's ok. I was really out of control. When everyday is like an episode of Californication it is time for a change.

Seshmeister

11-11-2009, 11:54 AM

Seshmeister

11-11-2009, 12:00 PM

It's not my cup of tea either, but it does work for many people. It takes a lot of strength to walk in those doors on your own, and I have been there on my own and as a result of a court order. You get out of it what you put into it, as with anything...

I was just wondering why you would say you hate it...

Peace!

:elvis:

It doesn't work and it's based on superstition.

At best it replaces a dependency on booze with a dependency on attending pointless meetings based on old fixed ideas with no evidence of success.

Sound familiar? :)

standin

11-11-2009, 12:20 PM

Going to be a long story Elvis, so I'll summarize - I simply don't think it works. There are many areas of psychology/therapy/self-help that are rigged to fail, and IMHO, that is one of them. Just an opinion, I have lots of unpopular ones, and I'm aware that there are people who SWEAR by AA and other 12 step programs. I just don't buy it.

It doesn't work for a lot of people.....:umm:

Arguments for Controlled Drinking Treatment Approaches (http://www.addictioninfo.org/articles/2979/1/Arguments-for-Controlled-Drinking-Treatment-Approaches/Page1.html)

Self-control strategies - Definition, Description, Aftercare, Risks, Normal results, Abnormal results, Resources (http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Self-control-strategies.html)

`````````
Moderate Drinking Defined (http://www.moderatedrinking.com/home/default_home.aspx?p=md_defined)
FAQ - Freedom From Alcohol® (http://www.freedomfromalcohol.com/faq.html)

Seshmeister

11-11-2009, 12:32 PM

The success rate is around 5% which is the same as not going.

It's the homeopathy of addiction treatment.

It's all here The Effectiveness of the Twelve-Step Treatment (http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-effectiveness.html)

Looks like a book written by someone who has replaced their dependency on alcohol with a dependency on absolutely destroying the AA but it's properly referenced. :)

Anonymous

11-11-2009, 12:42 PM

Ah, the good ol' days, when a serious thread would get derailed by nonsense stuff...

Nowadays, nonsense threads get derailed by serious stuff...

The world IS getting stupider & stupider...

Cheers! :bottle:

Seshmeister

11-11-2009, 02:42 PM

The important thing is that it get's derailed one way or the other... :)

Anonymous

11-11-2009, 02:49 PM

diamondsgirl

11-11-2009, 02:53 PM

Funny shit, slick.

I hope booze stops abusing you. ;)

Anonymous

11-11-2009, 03:06 PM

Yeah, I give it the best years of my life, and what does it do to me?

It just goes to show... your love will always mistreat you.

Welcome back, DG. ;)

Cheers! :bottle:

ELVIS

11-11-2009, 03:08 PM

I never could remember all the steps...:biggrin:

Coyote

11-11-2009, 03:10 PM

And now...

#1...

The Larch.
http://www.flowerphotographer.net/roth/attributes/bigimages/golden%20larch.jpg

binnie

11-11-2009, 03:35 PM

The invention of the mobile phone saw embarasment incidents when drunk increase by one zillion %. FACT.

Coyote

11-11-2009, 03:43 PM

Unfortunately so...

Sensible Shoes

11-11-2009, 04:29 PM

Sensible Shoes

11-11-2009, 04:32 PM

Sorry to open a can of worms. Sore subject right now. And no, I'm not an alcoholic.

lesfunk

11-11-2009, 04:45 PM

And no, I'm not an alcoholic.
Of course not. Alcoholics go to meetings. You a drunk

Sensible Shoes

11-11-2009, 04:50 PM

Thank you.

Seshmeister

11-11-2009, 05:27 PM

The invention of the mobile phone saw embarasment incidents when drunk increase by one zillion %. FACT.

I always make sure I have a very complicated phone that I can't use when drunk. :)

standin

11-11-2009, 11:39 PM

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/24/94379110_35dce7c9fe_o.jpg

Photo by Mark Klotz (http://www.flickr.com/photos/markklotz/94379110/)
This is my friend's pet chicken. Her name is conveniently "Chicken". I have never seen a chicken drink beer before, but as it turns out, Chicken loves beer. Don't worry though, she didn't get drunk. She knows her limit.

Sensible Shoes

11-11-2009, 11:45 PM

Oh look. A Chicken & a Mexican Beer. can Sammy be far behind?

standin

11-11-2009, 11:45 PM

:lmao:

FORD

11-12-2009, 02:49 AM

Seshmeister

11-12-2009, 07:16 AM

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/24/94379110_35dce7c9fe_o.jpg

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twonabomber

11-12-2009, 07:20 AM

Sensible Shoes

11-12-2009, 07:58 AM

Long gone, babe.

ELVIS

11-12-2009, 08:09 AM

Sorry to open a can of worms. Sore subject right now. And no, I'm not an alcoholic.

Hmmm...

You sure about that ??

Nothing wrong or suprising about it, and i'm not trying to be an a-hole...

ELVIS

11-12-2009, 08:11 AM

BTW, i've NEVER met anyone who likes to, or get's "shitfaced" that isn't an alcoholic...

Seshmeister

11-12-2009, 09:35 AM

Define shitfaced...

Golden AWe

11-12-2009, 09:52 AM

I had to quit drinking again. I've been only drinking on weekends during the summer, but with my epilepsy pills my liver blood rates are getting bad again...this also happened to me when I started taking the medicine ~4 years ago, back then I was not drunk for 8 months or so, then started to drink only on special occasions.

Now last summer, this year, the funny thing is, I only drank for "a good reason" during the summer, weddings, babies being born, someone's new home, birthdays. Too bad there's a "good reason" all the time! So, only a glass of wine or a shot of vodka a day are allowed now.

Sensible Shoes

11-12-2009, 10:56 AM

Hmmm...

You sure about that ??

Nothing wrong or suprising about it, and i'm not trying to be an a-hole...

Yes I'm sure. I can't have more than 2 drinks or I get sick drunk because of medication I'm taking - and I hate vomiting worse than anything on the planet. If I have a drink more than twice a week, something's wrong. I didn't inherit the genes. Also WAY too freaked out about DUI

sonrisa salvaje

11-12-2009, 12:12 PM

Define shitfaced...

I'll do it. I used to throw these massive parties. I would go to the back and strip down to nothing but my under shorts. I would hang my private out of the hole in the front and then go shake hands and greet guests as if nothing was unusual.

jharp84

11-12-2009, 12:17 PM

I best keep my "trap" shut on this thread! :(

standin

11-12-2009, 12:27 PM

I'll do it. I used to throw these massive parties. I would go to the back and strip down to nothing but my under shorts. I would hang my private out of the hole in the front and then go shake hands and greet guests as if nothing was unusual.

Oh, that is just odd behavior....:hitch::biggrin:
Shit faced...

Taking the couch outside to be comfortable while "safety watching" the over-sized bonfire created that night and waking with dew on ya the next morning, then stoking the fire for fresh flames.

standin

11-12-2009, 01:06 PM

Beer is made from grain. Chickens eat grain. Seems like a natural fit when you think about it.

Probably doesn't take much to get them shit-beaked either, since chickens don't have a whole hell of a lot upstairs to begin with.
I had not thought of that..
Chickens can be cool pets....
Chicken Jokes!!!!!

Chicken and the Egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chicken and the Horse

Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.
A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety!". With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingie and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!" The horse just smiled. And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That said....

I wonder if the squirrels would like a bit of hazelnut liqueur on occaision? :D

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/103/292344922_efd604cedf_m.jpg

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:biggrin:

ELVIS

11-12-2009, 02:09 PM

Chicken make lousy house pet!

:elvis:

Sensible Shoes

11-12-2009, 06:59 PM

True, true.

A thread is born to be derailed. You start a subject, and everyone else has its way with it. It's the grand scheme of things, and what makes it worthwhile to start a thread in the first place.

I'm actually serious.

Cheers! :bottle:

Yeah somebody derailed my Swedish Tribute band thread and nobody ever even LOOKED at it. Guy looks so much like Roth it's spooky and doesn't sound bad either. Oh well.

Oh wait - am I derailing this thread????:biggrin:

FORD

11-13-2009, 02:55 AM

Chicken make lousy house pet!

:elvis:

Unless it's a rooster and you're using him as a "natural alarm clock".

I actually had a neighbor with a rooster a few years back - within city limits, no less. And I swear the goddamn bird was blind, because he would fucking crow in the middle of the night.

ELVIS

11-13-2009, 07:58 AM

My baby's house is across the street from some Vietnamese folks who raise chickens and have well over 50 roosters...

It's kinda nice to hear in the early morning once you get used to it...:biggrin:

Sensible Shoes

11-13-2009, 08:35 AM

Unless it's a rooster and you're using him as a "natural alarm clock".

I actually had a neighbor with a rooster a few years back - within city limits, no less. And I swear the goddamn bird was blind, because he would fucking crow in the middle of the night.

He was a watchcock.

ELVIS

11-13-2009, 08:42 AM

It is in the middle of the night for most people...

The roosters start way before 5am...

Sensible Shoes

11-13-2009, 08:54 AM

......watch....COCK.......

Sigh.

ELVIS

11-13-2009, 08:58 AM

I'm sure you like it...

At least, I hope so...;)

Seshmeister

11-13-2009, 09:05 AM

All this talk reminds me of my Holy Shit cock troll.

hitchWORLD1969© Discussion Forums - Operation Holy Shit! (http://hitchworld1969.com/CIRCLEofTRUST/topic.cgi?forum=8&topic=16)

TAKIN WHISKEY

11-13-2009, 11:07 AM

Heineken, Makers, Patron. Yes sir!

standin

11-13-2009, 11:17 AM

I didn't know you kept birds as house pets Elvis. Most large birds require some sort of aviary if you are going to keep them inside. One of the coolest pet chickens I met was a rooster. He had wondered up to a friends house after a hurricane. My friend lived in town. The rooster never left after wondering there. He roosted the first evening in the laundry room and that became his aviary. It was right off of the back door leading to the back yard. He was not cooped, he just never left and would come in get up on his little area and watch. If you scratched his head he would be a friend for life. :biggrin:

We, my family, also had a banny hen and rooster for pets. They were not as cool as that one rooster. And we had 2 tom turkeys, name Christmas and Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving took to flying. One night down the block or so at a small watering hole. One of the guys came out and Thanksgiving was on top of his Cadillac. Not being from there, he went back in and told the bartender in disbelief and kinda shook up. The guy had bit of a buzz. Everybody kinda laughed at him. The bar patrons went outside gathered up Thanksgiving brought him inside, sat him on the bar and fed him drinks. Dad wandered in later that evening and there was Thanksgiving sitting on the barstool having cocktails. Thanksgiving never went back to the bar. He must have gotten a hangover and decided that was not a good feeding place. :hee:

I also knew this lady that kept a pet duck in the French Quarter. She literally would take him for a walk. Both she and her duck was pretty cool.

As for birds as pets, I have only had one of these.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2383/2014170988_ab2bf741e0_m.jpg
Toni was his name. He had quite an attitude and a bit of a bully. His favorite treat was coffee beans. :D He was great. He kept his aviary very clean. He would march down his cage exit ramp and poo in the waste basket. He learned that on his own. I was impressed. :baaa:

standin

11-13-2009, 11:22 AM

Sensible Shoes

11-13-2009, 12:12 PM

Better version.

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Nitro Express

11-13-2009, 12:56 PM

My dog will steal my beer. If you leave an open beer around that dog will tip it over and start lapping it up. If you have pizza and beer, this dog will shadow you, observing for the slightest mistake and then she moves in to steal your pizza and beer.

Sensible Shoes

11-13-2009, 12:58 PM

Mine are scotch drinkers.

Nitro Express

11-13-2009, 01:01 PM

Don't try and drive the tractor drunk.

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Sensible Shoes

11-13-2009, 01:08 PM

Dear Alcohol - don't ever let me look like this

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ye1PiuOsVRs&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ye1PiuOsVRs&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

standin

11-13-2009, 01:24 PM

Sensible Shoes

11-13-2009, 01:35 PM

This drunk woman on the tracks was here - we've been watching it all week - she admitted she had a few too many and says she's now quit drinking. Jesus Christ. Make sure you catch the part where she touches the third rail with her foot - knocks her out.

standin

11-13-2009, 01:38 PM

That is a scary video.

Sensible Shoes

11-13-2009, 01:52 PM

All this talk reminds me of my Holy Shit cock troll.

hitchWORLD1969© Discussion Forums - Operation Holy Shit! (http://hitchworld1969.com/CIRCLEofTRUST/topic.cgi?forum=8&topic=16)

You gave up far too quickly Sesh - My goodness. Not like you.

Sensible Shoes

11-13-2009, 03:44 PM

The video portion of this is good enough to make its own thread.

Seshmeister

11-13-2009, 09:26 PM

You gave up far too quickly Sesh - My goodness. Not like you.

Poor organization I'm afraid.

There were more posts there and I had a couple of priests saying cock all over the place but I forgot to save them and then a couple of days later everything had been deleted.

Someone at the priest site must have realized it was a troll.

Panamark

11-14-2009, 11:19 AM

I think "shitfaced" comes from where you are so drunk, you end up
with your head down the shitter for the rest of the night ???

As Dean Martin once quoted:

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."

What happens when you hate feeling "normal" ???
Do you live your life in misery until you are old and senile ???
Or do you enjoy a drink, and knock those ten years off your life
when your senility and old age illnesses becomes a burden to society ???

(And enjoy your life more ???)

Im a hyper fuck. I need to slow down. Alcohol is one thing that helps.