Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

[Anonymous]

THE ONION (http://www.theonion.com/content/news/fun_toy_banned_because_of_three)

Business

Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

August 16, 2000 | Issue 36•28

WASHINGTON, DC–In cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, Wizco Toys of Montclair, NJ, recalled 245,000 Aqua Assault RoboFighters Monday after three dumb kids managed to kill themselves playing with the popular toy, ruining the fun for everybody else.

http://img713.imageshack.us/img713/1092/onionnews729.jpg

The Aqua Assault RoboFighter, an awesome toy children can no longer enjoy, thanks to stupid Weiller, Torres, and Krug (L to R).

"The tragedy is inconceivable," Wizco president Alvin Cassidy said. "For years, countless children played with the Aqua Assault RoboFighter without incident. But then these three retards come along and somehow find a way to get themselves killed. So now we have to do a full recall and halt production on what was a really awesome toy. What a waste."

"My mom won't let me play with my RoboFighter because of those dumb kids who died," said 10-year-old Jeremy Daigle of Somerville, MA. "I used to set up army guys around the RoboFighter and have it run over them and conquer Earth for the Zardaxians. But now I'll never see it again, all because three stupid idiots had to go and wreck everything."

Each of the deaths was determined to be the result of gross misuse of the toy, an incredibly cool device that could shoot both plastic missiles and long jets of water, as well as maneuver over the ground on retractable wheels.

The first death occurred June 22, when 7-year-old Isaac Weiller of Grand Junction, CO, died after deliberately firing one of the spring-loaded plastic missiles into his left nostril. The missile shot into his sinuses, shattering the roof of his nasal cavity and causing a massive brain hemorrhage.

Shortly before dying, Weiller told emergency medical personnel at St. Luke's Medical Center that he had shot the missile into his nose in the belief that it would travel through his body and out his belly button.

"I've heard some pretty stupid shit in my time, but that has to take the cake," said Dr. Anderson Hunt, the attending physician. "Why would any kid think he could fire plastic missiles up his nose and expect them to come out his belly button? There's no point in feeling bad about this child's demise, because the deck was obviously stacked against him from the start. What we should feel bad about is the fact that because of him, millions of other children will no longer get to fire the RoboFighter's super-cool Devastator Missiles or soak their friends with its FunFoam WaterBlasters."

http://img96.imageshack.us/img96/9095/onionnews731.jpg

Joshua Schatzeder of Grand Rapids, MI, is forced to play with a boring little fire truck as a result of the recall.

Less than one month after Weiller's death, 5-year-old Danielle Krug fatally suffocated on fragments of the toy after repeatedly smashing it with a claw hammer in the garage of her parents' La Porte, IN, home.

"I'm not kidding," said Dianne Ensor, an emergency-room nurse at Our Lady Of Peace Hospital in La Porte, where Krug was pronounced dead. "She thought the broken shards were candy. That's what you'd assume after breaking a plastic, inedible toy, right? Absolutely un-fucking-believable."

The third and arguably stupidest death occurred August 12, when 11-year-old dumbass Michael Torres held the RoboFighter above his head and jumped off the balcony of his family's third-story Torrance, CA, apartment, thinking he would be able to fly like Superman.

"A couple of my fellow emergency workers thought we should cut the kid some slack, because at least he wasn't trying to eat the toy or shove it up his nose," said paramedic Debra Lindfors, who tried in vain to revive Torres. "I considered this for a while, but then I decided no. No way. If you're 11 years old, you should know that it's impossible to fly. And poor Wizco's probably going to go bankrupt because of this shit."

As a result of the extreme idiocy of the three children, the CPSC was forced to order Wizco to stop making the toy and remove it from store shelves, as well as recommend that parents remove it from their homes.

"I know the overwhelming majority of American kids who owned an Aqua Assault RoboFighter derived many hours of safe, responsible fun from it," CPSC commissioner Mary Sheila Gall said. "But, statistically speaking, three deaths stemming from contact with a particular toy constitutes an 'unreasonable risk.' Look, I'm really sorry about this. Honestly. But our agency's job is to protect the public from hazardous products, even if those who die are morons who deserved what they got."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

This may have been in 2000 - yes, it was true. It's in THE ONION, innit? - but it's more relevant today than never.

Because of a couple of retards, normal people can't enjoy the finer things in life...

:tongue0011:

Cheers! :bottle:

[MAX]

Shit, this world has gone soft. The pussification of America is what we'll call it. Fuck, when I was a kid we didn't have to gear up into a full NASA uniform just to ride our bikes like today's kids. The poor bastards have to wear pads and helmets for everything but jerking off. Prolly one already in development though. :rolleyes:

These soft, fruity assed Baby Boomers have taken the fun out of being a kid for the future generations. Hence, why we have such a high obecety rate and why our society has become so soft.

When I was a kid, I played full contact football with no pads during recess, my mom bought me a box of fireworks for fun and with no supervision plus we had lawn darts for toys.

Sure I injured myself a time or two but I didn't fucking cry and turn into a pussy.

I'm not being one sided cos I'm all about protecting our children but c'mon man. Some of this shit has gone waaaaaaay too far!!!

rant off.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

i couldn't agree more

[LoungeMachine]

[is really hoping Max knows this was a spoof]

:gulp:

[MAX]

Also, it's creeped into marketing over the years, like in the names of breakfast cereals. Ever notice that when we were kids they said it as it was. For instance shit like Super Sugar Smacks. Now, it's called Super Golden Crisp or some shit like that. Fuck, AS IF changing the name actually changes what it actually is?!?!?!?!?!? It's so these soft parents can feel better about themselves even though it's the exact same fucking cereal. Well and in all honesty a better name for it nowadays would prolly be Super High Fructose Corn Syrup Smacks, but still, hopefully y'all get my drift?

It's just like these parents that carry around their babies in backpacks as if it's some sort of an object. IT'S A BABY!!! Touch the little prick once in a while, will ya?!?!?!?!? I guaranteee he'll thank you for it later in life.

Also, what the fuck's up with "play dates?" Give me a fucking break!!! Today's parent's have these children enrolled in college even before the infant has the ability to know which side of his crib smells the worst!!!

FUCK!!!

[MAX]

[is really hoping Max knows this was a spoof]

:gulp:

Unfortunately no, I didn't. I just read the thread and became enraged. lol

[Coyote]

It's a healthy thing, don't ruin it. :smoke:

[FORD]

High Fructose Corn Poison will damage your kids far more than any toy ever will. Unless you do something really stupid and aim a lawn dart right at the top of their skull.

And if someone is that fucking stupid, then it's just Darwin's law taking a preemptive strike against their gene pool.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Unfortunately no, I didn't. I just read the thread and became enraged. lol

lord:biggrin: i still back your quote, just not the same amount of rage;)

[MAX]

High Fructose Corn Poison will damage your kids far more than any toy ever will. Unless you do something really stupid and aim a lawn dart right at the top of their skull.

And if someone is that fucking stupid, then it's just Darwin's law taking a preemptive strike against their gene pool.


Yup, as the old saying does...

"The kid who eats too many marbles will never have any kids of his own."

:gulp:

[chefcraig]

Consumer Reporter: Good evening, and welcome to the holiday edition of "Consumer Probe". Our topic tonight is unsafe toys for children. For instance, this little bow and arrow set. Pull the rubber suctions off, and the arrows become deadly missiles. We have with us tonight, Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Toys. Uh, Mr. Mainway, your company manufactures the following so-called harmless playthings: Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing Set, Mr. Skin-Grafter, General Tron's Secret Police Confession Kit, and Doggie Dentist. And what about this innocent rubber doll, which you market under the name Johnny Switchblade? Press his head, and two sharp knives spring from his arms. Mr. Mainway, I'm afraid this is, by no means, a very safe toy.

Irwin Mainway: Okay, Miss, I wanna correct you, alright. The full name of this product, as it appears in stores all over the county, is Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk. I mean, nothing goes wrong.. little girls buy 'em, you know, they play games, they make up stories, nobody gets hurt. I mean, so Barbie takes a knife once in a while, or Ken gets cut. You know, there's no harm in that. I mean, as far as I can see, you know?

Consumer Reporter: Alright. Fine. Fine. Well, we'd like to show you another one of Mr. Mainway's products. It retails for $1.98, and it's called Bag O' Glass. Mr. Mainway, this is simply a bag of jagged, dangerous, glass bits.

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, right, it's you know, it's glass, it's broken glass, you know? It sells very well, as a matter of fact, you know? It's just broken glass, you know?

Consumer Reporter: I don't understand. I mean, children could seriously cut themselves on any one of these pieces!

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, well, look - you know, the average kid, he picks up, you know, broken glass anywhere, you know? The beach, the street, garbage cans, parking lots, all over the place in any big city. We're just packaging what the kids want! I mean, it's a creative toy, you know? If you hold this up, you know, you see colors, every color of the rainbow! I mean, it teaches him about light refraction, you know? Prisms, and that stuff! You know what I mean?

Consumer Reporter: So, you don't feel that this product is dangerous?

Irwin Mainway: No! Look, we put a label on every bag that says, "Kid! Be careful - broken glass!" I mean, we sell a lot of products in the "Bag O'" line.. like Bag O' Glass, Bag O' Nails, Bag O' Bugs, Bag O' Vipers, Bag O' Sulfuric Acid. They're decent toys, you know what I mean?


http://img641.imageshack.us/img641/4751/6a00d8341c5d1d53ef00e54.jpg (http://img641.imageshack.us/i/6a00d8341c5d1d53ef00e54.jpg/)

[thome]

WELL! I read about half of that and it was all I could stand, these fukking kids are just like all the candy assed punks that sit inside all year and play, "Game Machine" or whatever it is called all day long.

I saw some 10 year olds trying to walk to the car they needed help, practically, thier legs are so atrophied...!!!

I do feel sorry for the paents, but they are typical negligent parents .

The poor kids didn't stand a chance, but thier parents are probably dropping some new clones as we speak.

[Blackflag]

[is really hoping Max knows this was a spoof]


Come on. This is Max we're talking about here.

[MAX]

Come on. This is Max we're talking about here.

Whenever you say anything that's even supposed to be even mildly derogitory towards myself, I sincerely take it as the highest of compliments.

Seriously, when a backward assed, inbredded tool whose pea brain happens to be embalmed in vile fluid attempts to insult one of the upper echelon of society, it's really quite flattering.

[Blackflag]

I like the idea of having an evil fluid in my head. Has it taken over my brain and forces me to do the things I do? Or is it a separate entity that I shoot out and kill people with?

[Sensible Shoes]

It's like those switchblades that fly out of the doll's hands....

[Nickdfresh]

Consumer Reporter: Good evening, and welcome to the holiday edition of "Consumer Probe". Our topic tonight is unsafe toys for children. For instance, this little bow and arrow set. Pull the rubber suctions off, and the arrows become deadly missiles. We have with us tonight, Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Toys. Uh, Mr. Mainway, your company manufactures the following so-called harmless playthings: Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing Set, Mr. Skin-Grafter, General Tron's Secret Police Confession Kit, and Doggie Dentist. And what about this innocent rubber doll, which you market under the name Johnny Switchblade? Press his head, and two sharp knives spring from his arms. Mr. Mainway, I'm afraid this is, by no means, a very safe toy.

Irwin Mainway: Okay, Miss, I wanna correct you, alright. The full name of this product, as it appears in stores all over the county, is Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk. I mean, nothing goes wrong.. little girls buy 'em, you know, they play games, they make up stories, nobody gets hurt. I mean, so Barbie takes a knife once in a while, or Ken gets cut. You know, there's no harm in that. I mean, as far as I can see, you know?

Consumer Reporter: Alright. Fine. Fine. Well, we'd like to show you another one of Mr. Mainway's products. It retails for $1.98, and it's called Bag O' Glass. Mr. Mainway, this is simply a bag of jagged, dangerous, glass bits.

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, right, it's you know, it's glass, it's broken glass, you know? It sells very well, as a matter of fact, you know? It's just broken glass, you know?

Consumer Reporter: I don't understand. I mean, children could seriously cut themselves on any one of these pieces!

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, well, look - you know, the average kid, he picks up, you know, broken glass anywhere, you know? The beach, the street, garbage cans, parking lots, all over the place in any big city. We're just packaging what the kids want! I mean, it's a creative toy, you know? If you hold this up, you know, you see colors, every color of the rainbow! I mean, it teaches him about light refraction, you know? Prisms, and that stuff! You know what I mean?

Consumer Reporter: So, you don't feel that this product is dangerous?

Irwin Mainway: No! Look, we put a label on every bag that says, "Kid! Be careful - broken glass!" I mean, we sell a lot of products in the "Bag O'" line.. like Bag O' Glass, Bag O' Nails, Bag O' Bugs, Bag O' Vipers, Bag O' Sulfuric Acid. They're decent toys, you know what I mean?


http://img641.imageshack.us/img641/4751/6a00d8341c5d1d53ef00e54.jpg (http://img641.imageshack.us/i/6a00d8341c5d1d53ef00e54.jpg/)

Don't forget the army soldier Halloween costume, featuring a working M-1 Garand rifle. Not too worry, the ammunition isn't included...:)

[Diamondjimi]

Consumer Reporter: Good evening, and welcome to the holiday edition of "Consumer Probe". Our topic tonight is unsafe toys for children. For instance, this little bow and arrow set. Pull the rubber suctions off, and the arrows become deadly missiles. We have with us tonight, Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Toys. Uh, Mr. Mainway, your company manufactures the following so-called harmless playthings: Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing Set, Mr. Skin-Grafter, General Tron's Secret Police Confession Kit, and Doggie Dentist. And what about this innocent rubber doll, which you market under the name Johnny Switchblade? Press his head, and two sharp knives spring from his arms. Mr. Mainway, I'm afraid this is, by no means, a very safe toy.

Irwin Mainway: Okay, Miss, I wanna correct you, alright. The full name of this product, as it appears in stores all over the county, is Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk. I mean, nothing goes wrong.. little girls buy 'em, you know, they play games, they make up stories, nobody gets hurt. I mean, so Barbie takes a knife once in a while, or Ken gets cut. You know, there's no harm in that. I mean, as far as I can see, you know?

Consumer Reporter: Alright. Fine. Fine. Well, we'd like to show you another one of Mr. Mainway's products. It retails for $1.98, and it's called Bag O' Glass. Mr. Mainway, this is simply a bag of jagged, dangerous, glass bits.

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, right, it's you know, it's glass, it's broken glass, you know? It sells very well, as a matter of fact, you know? It's just broken glass, you know?

Consumer Reporter: I don't understand. I mean, children could seriously cut themselves on any one of these pieces!

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, well, look - you know, the average kid, he picks up, you know, broken glass anywhere, you know? The beach, the street, garbage cans, parking lots, all over the place in any big city. We're just packaging what the kids want! I mean, it's a creative toy, you know? If you hold this up, you know, you see colors, every color of the rainbow! I mean, it teaches him about light refraction, you know? Prisms, and that stuff! You know what I mean?

Consumer Reporter: So, you don't feel that this product is dangerous?

Irwin Mainway: No! Look, we put a label on every bag that says, "Kid! Be careful - broken glass!" I mean, we sell a lot of products in the "Bag O'" line.. like Bag O' Glass, Bag O' Nails, Bag O' Bugs, Bag O' Vipers, Bag O' Sulfuric Acid. They're decent toys, you know what I mean?


http://img641.imageshack.us/img641/4751/6a00d8341c5d1d53ef00e54.jpg (http://img641.imageshack.us/i/6a00d8341c5d1d53ef00e54.jpg/)

LOL! One of my all time fav. SNL skits.Thanks for posting this!:biggrin:

But seriously Chef, did you transcribe the bit or did you cut n paste?!;)

[chefcraig]

LOL! One of my all time fav. SNL skits.Thanks for posting this!:biggrin:

But seriously Chef, did you transcribe the bit or did you cut n paste?!;)

You can get transcripts of most of the SNL shows, from 1975 up until 2009 here:

SNL Transcripts (http://snltranscripts.jt.org/)

[BITEYOASS]

Because of a couple of retards, normal people can't enjoy the finer things in life...

:tongue0011:

Cheers! :bottle:

You mean like the time a couple fags on vacation in Africa thought it would be great to have anal with a chimpanzee?

Now because of that we have to wear rubbers!

Thanks a fuckin lot assholes! :rant:

[Nitro Express]

I had some dangerous toys. Like an electric furnace that would melt lead and you poured it into molds to make toy soldiers.

I also had a chemistry set that I mixed a bunch of chemicals and it blew the stopper out of the flask and blew purple stuff all over the ceiling. It didn't come off either and had to be painted over.

[Blackflag]

purple stuff

At least it was educational.

[GAR]

I like the idea of having an evil fluid in my head. Has it taken over my brain and forces me to do the things I do? Or is it a separate entity that I shoot out and kill people with?

In the name of all that is Zardaxian, I am commanded to share such fluids of my own, with all females of my species possible.

It is my suggestion you do the same.

Turris Fortis Zardaxia Noster!

[Nitro Express]

At least it was educational.

Oh I followed the book that came with it but that got boring. So I just started mixing shit together and made purple stuff.:biggrin:

[LEFTY is Gar's Bitch]

In the name of all that is Zardaxian, I am commanded to share such fluids of my own, with all females of my species possible.

It is my suggestion you do the same.

Turris Fortis Zardaxia Noster!

stop fibbing gary.your a one woman guy.
you better not be sharing any fluids with your night time friends or ill smash your balls with a hammer after i break my foot off in your ass you sneeky little shit.

[TAKIN WHISKEY]

Remember Socker Boppers? They were inflatable boxing gloves. Here kid, take these, and go find a neighbor to beat up. Ahh yes, the good old days.

[ZahZoo]

stop fibbing gary.your a one woman guy.
you better not be sharing any fluids with your night time friends or ill smash your balls with a hammer after i break my foot off in your ass you sneeky little shit.

Fibbing..?

You must definately be an alias... any dirt-bag/hose queen that lived with Gar would know without a doubt he's a pathological career liar.

[Blackflag]

Remember Socker Boppers? They were inflatable boxing gloves. Here kid, take these, and go find a neighbor to beat up. Ahh yes, the good old days.

Back when I was a kid, we did that, but couldn't afford the gloves. And we were glad to have our asses kicked.

[Igosplut]

you better not be sharing any fluids with your night time friends or ill smash your balls with a hammer after i break my foot off in your ass you sneeky little shit.

Am I the only one that found that fucking funny??!!

[Blackflag]

No, I'm sure the person who wrote it did, too. That makes 2.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

orrr, maybe just one....:umm:

[Blackflag]

Is that the imposter laughing at his own jokes? Fucking pathetic. He probably "thanks" his own posts, because he's a fucking dumbass.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Is that the imposter laughing at his own jokes? Fucking pathetic. He probably "thanks" his own posts, because he's a fucking dumbass.

weren't you bein' nice and gettin' along for awhile? que pasa?

[Blackflag]

I was trying. Then somebody fucked that up yesterday. There's always some jackass to fuck it up for you.

But don't worry, you and me are alright, Pete. Or whoever the fuck you are.

[Igosplut]

Is that the imposter laughing at his own jokes? Fucking pathetic. He probably "thanks" his own posts, because he's a fucking dumbass.

No, that would be your buddy GARgle thanking and replying to his own aliases.. You chose to ignore everything that clown does, and want to blame others for the same things that their not doing...

Gar is probably the Lefty alias anyways just so he can get that little bit more attention...