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View Full Version : An ode to Women....and pussy!!



hambon4lif
05-06-2010, 12:42 AM
'Ever since I discovered the wonderful gift that we call "women", my goal was to experience as many of them as I could, as often as I could, and make myself the best at it. Well, I'm over it. I have experienced enough. There is nothing new anymore, nothing exciting. The best thing I've found was one woman that tasted like french vanilla, and one woman that made me almost need stitches and left me unable to walk for half an hour.


But, with great success comes great failure, and I've had really bad and "sexually incompatible" misadventures as well. One girl literally said "what are you doing??" when she got put up against a wall. Are you fucking kidding me? We aren't making love, we're FUCKIN'!! Not to mention the women that don't like getting cum on them. I don't get you gals, you need to realize that you aren't princesses. Nothing ruins good sex like ending it with "WHAT THE FUCK!! YOU GOT IT ON ME!".....NO SHIT!, what do you think this is? WE'RE FUCKIN. You got yours on me. In fact, its dripping down my leg as we speak, and I love it, so shut the fuck up and play in mine like it's a rain puddle and you're five fuckin years old!!!

And then there's the women that don't move... at all. Coincidentally, it's these same women that say "Oh you couldn't handle me..." who lay there like a dying fish. You bitches know who you are too. I once fucked a girl until her lips turned blue. She got off so hard that she couldn't breathe in! And guess what she did to thank me!?!? She fuckin stayed on her back the whole time. Great teamwork bitch, now that I did all the work, you owe me $50. And then there there's the real heartless bitches.... the ones that get off once or twice... and then decide to stop. WHAT!?!?! YOU CAN'T DO THAT BITCH!!!! Hey, ya know, I'm glad you like it. I'm GLAD you're tired!!! And I'm glad you're smiling and think you just found a new fuck toy, but you know what bitch? We STARTED this as a god damn team, and we're gonna FINISH it as a team!!! There needs to be a rule that if I have to finish myself off, I get to bust one on your face. I mean, I'm not perfect; half the time, if you do so much as touch it, it'll go off in your face. But the other half of the time, it won't go at all. It's either "haha are you kidding me?" or it's "can you hurry up already?". Listen bitch, I can't fucking control him, he does what he does, and you're just along for the ride. If it's a 30 second ride, I'm sorry, we'll go again, but when it's a full length feature, I expect you stick around and tough it out.

Don't even get me STARTED on the ones that say "umm... I don't do that".....WHAT!?!?! You better, bitch!! And their response is always "well, do you like going down on me?" What? I LOVE eating pussy, are you kidding me? I just got a new toy and I'll be God damned if I'm not gonna play with it!!! But if I go down there and it tastes or smells like ANYTHING, then you can fucking forget it. For real, I wash my balls and take care of myself, why can't you!?! Sometimes it's not even a smell, it's sour like I'm eating a fuckin shock tart. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN!? Most women are tasteless and odorless and thats how it should be, but for those of you that aren't, change your fucking diet or do something... cause I AM getting my dick sucked and you AREN'T getting the favor returned. It's not MY FAULT if you taste like the ass end of a buffet line, and I'll be damned if I'm not gonna get my cock sucked because YOU are can't bathe properly.

And lets not forget about the women with the "PRINCESS complex". The one who wants to be taken away like she's royalty and we are fucking knights in shining armor. The ones who like it soft, and slow, and wants you to stare into her eyes while your having sex. The one who thinks we should consider ourselves "lucky" to be inside her!! Bitch PLEASE tell my why you think your pussy is so magnificent? You DON'T swallow, you WON'T try it in the ass, and you'll throw a TANTRUM if my cum lands anywhere on you, let alone on your shirt. You are the same bitch that walks around with your nose in the air thinking you're a fuckin PRIZE, when in reality you don't even know how to fuck right. Fucking you is about as much fun as watching golf. So again, please, tell me WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK YOUR PUSSY IS SO GREAT? It may be nice, but you sure as hell don't know how to use it, and you SURE AS HELL need to stop being afraid of getting dirty.

I had one girl, and this is NOT A JOKE, ask me to fall asleep inside her.....WHAT THE FUCK!??! I don't know WHAT kind of emotional issues you have that you need to feel THAT close with someone, but that doesn't just cross the line between being "romantic" and being fucking CREEPY, that hauls ass full speed ahead past that fucking line.

Lastly, we have the "DGAF" bitches!!!.....holy shit! i cant even begin... I will write a whole comedy routine on you bitches!! lets just say, you MUST give a fuck(MGAF), cause you spend way too much money and time to look just like the other DGAF sluts. and btw none of you gals know how to screw. absolutley NONE. you are seriously worse than all previously mentioned catagories of pussy. talk about "thinking your pussy is a prize", you guys are the WORST at that......really!

Ahhh... party sluts... Thanks for the decent sex and the NEEDLESS drama. Party hard, take lots of pics so everyone on myspace KNOWS just how cool you are. And dont forget the most important thing "LIVE LIFE WITH NO REGRETS!!"

GAR
05-06-2010, 01:12 AM
Post those pics of Miss Crissi's saggy behind running to puke in the motel potty, Hambon!

hambon4lif
05-06-2010, 02:15 AM
Post those pics of Miss Crissi's saggy behind running to puke in the motel potty, Hambon!

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Blaze
05-06-2010, 03:37 AM
Just saying...
You do not sound very happy with your sex life.
Actually, you are sounding kinda bitter; you are about to go gay aren't you? :biggrin:

Blaze
05-06-2010, 03:51 AM
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/funny-pictures-kittens-are-grumpy.jpg

GAR
05-08-2010, 01:24 AM
That's the problem with using women just to get off instead of developing a bonding relationship: you become old, shallow, bitter and nobody you want wants you back for these reasons.

The best way I've ever gotten a gal in the sack was uttering the patented "gee, lets slow down here a minute, I thought we'd just hold hands like this." Because anytime you tell these whores what to do, they'll do the exact opposite and the next thing you know you're covered in femme-slime and your clothes are all crumpled and tossed on the floor and the wallet missing.

Hardrock69
05-08-2010, 02:30 AM
Good point. So true.

Golden AWe
05-08-2010, 05:54 PM
This is how I respect women.

http://manzano.nncdn.com/nn/0/992/351/s_584735.jpg

Sensible Shoes
05-08-2010, 11:09 PM
Just chuckling here. I want to meet the woman who sparked this tirade.

Nickdfresh
05-09-2010, 06:58 PM
That's the problem with using women just to get off instead of developing a bonding relationship: you become old, shallow, bitter and nobody you want wants you back for these reasons.

How the fuck would you know?


The best way I've ever gotten a gal in the sack was uttering the patented "gee, lets slow down here a minute, I thought we'd just hold hands like this." Because anytime you tell these whores what to do, they'll do the exact opposite and the next thing you know you're covered in femme-slime and your clothes are all crumpled and tossed on the floor and the wallet missing.

Did you read Wiki to get that, jackass?

Terry
05-09-2010, 09:15 PM
Encountered one or two women in my day who would gladly be eaten out for a 1/2 hour at a time, then when it came to for them to reciprocate, it was the "I don't do that" biz. Once that was said, what I instantly knew was that any long-term relationship wasn't gonna happen. I mean, if a chick doesn't wanna do anal, then fair enough. Not a deal breaker for me. In fact, it's not something I ever requested of a girlfriend (the several times I've done it were all cases of being asked to). But no oral? Ever? Not like I'm looking to get blown daily, and I don't even necessarily require she take a batch over the gums and down the gullet with regularity, but if it isn't gonna go in her mouth ever...if she's just not into that at all with anyone, well, that's certainly her right but that doesn't mean I have to stick around.

I don't mind doing it slow and tender. Don't even mind mostly missionary. Did the whole karma sutra / sexual gymnastics biz in my twenties. These days, a bit of missionary, some cowgril and a bit of doggy-style is enough for me far as penetration goes.

The oddest girl I ever dealt with was someone I was living with for four years. Gorgeous redhead. Big. natural tits. Awesome ginger snapper with the pinkest lips and best smell of any vag I've ever had. She initiated anal a bunch of times, when we were first together sucked like a Hoover, and just loved to get fucked. I mean, we loved each other and cared for one another, but she loved a good fuck.

However, she didn't like getting cummed on, never wanted to swallow, and always preferred to finish me off by jacking me off on my own stomach. She said she found getting cummed on or having cum in her mouth degrading, although she gave me a dozen rimjobs without me even asking for (or particularly wanting) them. Didn't mind if I climaxed inside her, but she said she found all that other stuff (including titfucking) degrading. So, I never pressed the issue...I don't find it particularly arousing to do things someone else just isn't into simply to satisfy my own desires...but after nearly a half-decade of getting jacked off on my stomach, I began to lose interest.

It's just best to find someone who doesn't have...I don't want to say "hang-ups" because I don't think a person has some kind of sexual deficiency just because they don't want to swallow a batch of goo, but if that's something one partner finds very enjoyable and the other one doesn't, hey, life is short and sex is supposed to feel good and satisfy both partners. You gotta find a girl who likes to get nice and sweaty and mix it up a bit...who likes having sex. Some girls just plain don't really like to have sex, or have sexual tastes that are sympatico with their partners. Usually leads to trouble down the line.

Blaze
05-09-2010, 10:29 PM
Holly bejeebers that is a lot of information there, Terry.

yea, the whole obsession or hang up thingy sucks. Sure you may be able to buy anything you want with a smile or a dime, but sexual compatibility could be vital even in short term mating. OCDing on a certain aspects of sexuality is also quite dull too. No matter how hitched the ride, it can get like Chinese water torture.

The basic aspect of heterosexual sexual relations is exposure to spermatozoa.

Your girl, Something or some reason happened to make her so squirmy about your sperm or sperm in general. Maybe she was homosexual.

There was this "gentleman" that was frequenting one of the mating sites, he was obsessed with "being a servant" I kid you not. We passed him around a bit, but no one took him seriously. I do not know if he ever got mated. Being a servant was all he ever talked about. A lot of us joked about having our floors mopped and yards cut, but seriously who wants to deal with that one dimensional of a person. And if someone does, I am sure there is good motive. :umm:

And unless you simply do not trust your partner intentions or ethics, there is little reason to not accept certain aspects of their sexuality as time passes. There are a lot of guys that do not want a overly experimentalist woman, and likewise there are a lot of woman that do not want an overly experimentalist male.

Really, it is no big deal. Be open and Talk about what does and does not make you feel comfortable, enjoyable, and happy. And if it don't fit, don't fuck it. Is it really more complicated than that?

It was like this one dude, which was all into the calling me mommy with really heavy sexual over tones. It just freaking creep-ed me out. I do not want to do someone that thinks of his Mother when having sex. I was glad that was exposed quick.

What is blasphemous to one person is not blasphemous to another. Where some may find it odd to have sexual relations in an sanctioned place with others awaiting announcement to celebrate, other people might find that as normal as some people find parking lot oral sex.
*Just a note, I am too lazy today to look up a better word than blasphemous*

Blackflag
05-10-2010, 12:45 AM
:lmao:

Terry
05-10-2010, 06:57 PM
Holly bejeebers that is a lot of information there, Terry.

yea, the whole obsession or hang up thingy sucks. Sure you may be able to buy anything you want with a smile or a dime, but sexual compatibility could be vital even in short term mating. OCDing on a certain aspects of sexuality is also quite dull too. No matter how hitched the ride, it can get like Chinese water torture.

The basic aspect of heterosexual sexual relations is exposure to spermatozoa.

Your girl, Something or some reason happened to make her so squirmy about your sperm or sperm in general. Maybe she was homosexual.

There was this "gentleman" that was frequenting one of the mating sites, he was obsessed with "being a servant" I kid you not. We passed him around a bit, but no one took him seriously. I do not know if he ever got mated. Being a servant was all he ever talked about. A lot of us joked about having our floors mopped and yards cut, but seriously who wants to deal with that one dimensional of a person. And if someone does, I am sure there is good motive. :umm:

And unless you simply do not trust your partner intentions or ethics, there is little reason to not accept certain aspects of their sexuality as time passes. There are a lot of guys that do not want a overly experimentalist woman, and likewise there are a lot of woman that do not want an overly experimentalist male.

Really, it is no big deal. Be open and Talk about what does and does not make you feel comfortable, enjoyable, and happy. And if it don't fit, don't fuck it. Is it really more complicated than that?

It was like this one dude, which was all into the calling me mommy with really heavy sexual over tones. It just freaking creep-ed me out. I do not want to do someone that thinks of his Mother when having sex. I was glad that was exposed quick.

What is blasphemous to one person is not blasphemous to another. Where some may find it odd to have sexual relations in an sanctioned place with others awaiting announcement to celebrate, other people might find that as normal as some people find parking lot oral sex.
*Just a note, I am too lazy today to look up a better word than blasphemous*

Yeah, but she was just hung up on the goo angle, yet not anal or rimjobs...so it was just odd...like, if she were totally frigid all the way around THEN I could agree that something catastrophic had happened to her sometime before we met...

I dunno. Kind of moot, since I haven't seen her in ten years.

Mommy fetishes are just weird.

Sensible Shoes
05-12-2010, 08:17 AM
True happiness is two complimentary fetishes in people who can at least tolerate each other in the non sexual portion of their lives.

Diamondjimi
05-12-2010, 09:44 AM
Yeah, but she was just hung up on the goo angle, yet not anal or rimjobs...so it was just odd...like, if she were totally frigid all the way around THEN I could agree that something catastrophic had happened to her sometime before we met...

.

Same kind of thing here. I used to go out with a chick back in my early 20's who I'd know for a number of years prior and thought was a cool chick.
She wasn't into BJ's or having her cookie munched. Which was surprising to me. She did however have no objections to riding the baloney pony with a finger or thumb up her ass and sometimes arcing ropes of baby batter on her back wasn't a big deal.
She was another one that didn't like to get messy.Missionary position was the usual deal, I don't mind but it can get boring doing all the work. What really surprised me was that she was all for having her dumper plowed, on numerous occasions. I couldn't figure her out.
Eventually the novelty wore of and she turned back into her bi-polar self and I had decided one night I'd had enough of her bullshit and I bailed.
To which she decided to chase after me in her car and attempted to run me down. ( I was on foot carrying a Marshall head and pushing my bike home)
We somehow remained friends and she's told me she did regret being a bitch and losing me. But life's too short to spend it with bi-polar non jizz loving women.... :biggrin:

SparkieD
05-12-2010, 10:43 AM
She wasn't into...having her cookie munched.

Dead giveaway that something was wrong with her:angel10:

Terry
05-13-2010, 10:40 PM
Same kind of thing here. I used to go out with a chick back in my early 20's who I'd know for a number of years prior and thought was a cool chick.
She wasn't into BJ's or having her cookie munched. Which was surprising to me. She did however have no objections to riding the baloney pony with a finger or thumb up her ass and sometimes arcing ropes of baby batter on her back wasn't a big deal.
She was another one that didn't like to get messy.Missionary position was the usual deal, I don't mind but it can get boring doing all the work. What really surprised me was that she was all for having her dumper plowed, on numerous occasions. I couldn't figure her out.
Eventually the novelty wore of and she turned back into her bi-polar self and I had decided one night I'd had enough of her bullshit and I bailed.
To which she decided to chase after me in her car and attempted to run me down. ( I was on foot carrying a Marshall head and pushing my bike home)
We somehow remained friends and she's told me she did regret being a bitch and losing me. But life's too short to spend it with bi-polar non jizz loving women.... :biggrin:

Funny, the one I was referring to was eventually diagnosed as bi-polar as well. She took a leave of absence from work for two months and got a prescription for Prozac and Xanax from some shrink, and would sit around the apartment engaging in crying jags, blubbering about how she was unhappy with her job. Meanwhile, I'm getting up and going to work every day, not particularly thrilled with my job at the time, either.

What IS it with those bi-polar nutty hens?

Still, she did have the cleanest, pinkest red snapper...in spite of it all, sometimes I miss her. I heard she found Jesus after we split up.

Sensible Shoes
05-13-2010, 10:45 PM
Estrogen - It's poison.

Susie Q
05-13-2010, 11:09 PM
Short and sweet. Sex is a two way street. You give, I give. You wanna play rough, I play rough. You want tender I play tender. Sexual compatibility, I say.

Terry
05-17-2010, 09:00 PM
...such a lovely red snapper...always great to find a twat that doesn't look and smell like 10 million other dicks already jizzed in it...nice, firm pissflaps...didn't look like a slab of pastrami run over by a steam roller...

Coyote
06-08-2010, 05:58 PM
Women...
Show them your feelings too early in the game, you're her bitch.
Make them cum good right off the bat, you'll never get rid of her...

Coyote
06-12-2010, 03:27 PM
I wonder how many drinks I'd had when I posted that...

VAiN
06-12-2010, 04:30 PM
hambon, this is a grate post! Thanks for a good read and a few good laughs! :baaa:

RA1DER
06-29-2010, 12:07 AM
hambon, this was an AWESOME post...Loved it!