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chefcraig
08-09-2011, 10:18 AM
From Kim Gordon's Real Age (http://kimgordonsrealage.tumblr.com/post/8446068432/van-shakeup-wolfgang-van-halen-leaves-group-says)

VAN-SHAKEUP!!! Wolfgang Van Halen Leaves Group, Says Dad is a “Dick”

The reunited classic Van Halen lineup is soldiering on, even after the loss of their newest member, bassist Wolfgang Van Halen.

“I’d had enough. Nobody told me what a pain in the ass it was working with family. My dad was always yelling at me, telling me not to be such a show off. How do you show off on a bass? What-ever. My uncle was even worse. He kept telling me to lose weight and that I was supposed to practice all the time so I could ‘play in the pocket’ or some crap. I don’t even know what ‘the pocket’ means. The whole experience was just terrible. I mean Dave was cool, but that only goes so far and even then he always wanted me to ‘spot’ him during his yoga warm-ups and that could get a little weird.”

People expecting young Wolfgang to start his own group are barking up the wrong tree.

“I kind of realized that I didn’t need to be in a band to be rich and famous. I’m already both. I don’t need to be on a stage with those dicks.”

The remaining members of Van Halen wasted no time finding a replacement for the departing bassist. The group has added King Crimson/ Peter Gabriel bassist, Tony Levin to the group for the album and tour.

“Tony is a consummate professional to the highest degree. He listens when he is spoken to and doesn’t sass back,” says Eddie Van Halen. “He’s really beefed up our sound. We are adding lots of Chapman Stick and his patented ‘Funk Fingers’ to the album. It sounds incredible. Kind of like early Allan Holdsworth stuff. People are going to love it.”

http://img1.imagehousing.com/66/8d3b46d9eca73dd97af6377972e1d1d4.jpg (http://www.imagehousing.com/image/818666)

Although Wolfgang is leaving rock and roll behind for the time being, he is staying busy by devoting himself to his newest passion, a signature line of handcrafted liquors.

“I’ve been working with my Uncle Sammy on a delicious tequila blend that will be coming out in March. I hoped to get it out sooner, but I don’t turn twenty-one until then.

The ‘Uncle Sammy’ Wolfgang is referring to is none other than Sammy Hagar.

“Legally, I’m not allowed to use the ‘Van Halen’ name anymore,” says Wolfgang. “We are calling it, ‘Cabo San Bertinelli’s Sparkling Tequila Throat Cooler’. It’s gonna be great.”

Sammy Hagar has also had to deal with a recent lineup change in his own supergroup, Chickenfoot.

Bassist Michael Anthony left the group in hopes of rejoining Van Halen, which did not happen.

“I love Mike like a brother, but leaving Chickenfoot before he sealed the deal with Van Halen is the ‘dick move’ of 2011,” says Sammy Hagar. “Mike is not out of the group for good, but he’s on a six month suspension, so he can have some time to reflect on what he’s done.”

Filling in for Michael Anthony for time being will be legendary actor Ben Gazzara. The 80-year-old actor plays bass saxophone in a side project with Hagar called, ‘Hagazzara”.

“A lot of people knock the bass sax as not being ‘rock and roll’,” says Hagar. “But I’ve seen him in action and that thing is a pussy magnet. Get ready to get ‘blown’ people.”

http://img1.imagehousing.com/74/7108862fc64df6954daa359ca0f53811.jpg (http://www.imagehousing.com/image/818670)

jhale667
08-09-2011, 10:43 AM
:umm:

LoungeMachine
08-09-2011, 10:50 AM
She should write for The Onion

:gulp:

VAiN
08-09-2011, 10:51 AM
Heh, that's for the morning laugh, Chef! It almost counters the anti-funny of the canceled AUS VH shows....

chefcraig
08-09-2011, 11:15 AM
She should write for The Onion

:gulp:

Her Facebook page is brilliant. Check out the "interview" with Brian Eno, about his latest release “Ambient 5: Music for Masturbation." Also worth a look are “I’m No Hoarder, I’m a Collector,” says Neil Young, Jack White Gets “Owned” by Jaden Smith in “The Toy” Remake and Ghost of Benjamin Orr says, “I Was Frozen Out of Cars Reunion.”

Facebook: Kim Gordon's Real Age (https://www.facebook.com/kimsrealage)

Nitro Express
08-09-2011, 11:53 AM
Once Eddie got control of that band it went to shit. Sammy even ran that band better than Eddie and that's pretty damn pathetic to say. At least Van Hagar could make commitments and follow through with them. The show and music might have sucked ass but at lease you knew they would show up and they could get an album out.

If Dave was running the show at VH they would have done three albums and three tour by now.

Everything that is around Ed turns to shit. Even Val. Once she left Ed and found a new man she became thin and beautiful again.

FORD
08-09-2011, 02:47 PM
Tony Levin in Van Halen??? That could be interesting, I guess.

fryingdutchman
08-10-2011, 05:53 AM
From Kim Gordon's Real Age (http://kimgordonsrealage.tumblr.com/post/8446068432/van-shakeup-wolfgang-van-halen-leaves-group-says)


http://img1.imagehousing.com/66/8d3b46d9eca73dd97af6377972e1d1d4.jpg (http://www.imagehousing.com/image/818666)


Are we sure that the guy in the above pic isn't Valerie's new husband, Tom??

http://www.rightcelebrity.com/wp-content/photos/Tom_Vitale.jpg

Now THAT would be some shit worth seeing. Valerie's former cock and current cock performing on the same stage together....

I wonder if Tom can actually play bass? Or if he can sing?? It would be horrible if they had to pipe in backing vocals.....

binnie
08-10-2011, 09:00 AM
That was hilarious.

I just hope that they 'I don't even know what "In the pocket" means' doesn't prove to be true.

Hardrock69
08-11-2011, 12:00 PM
:lmao:

GreenBayLA
08-12-2011, 03:04 AM
:biggrin:

SunisinuS
08-12-2011, 01:11 PM
New Lineup featured to play at Farm Aid this weekend. Playing the first single LIVE!



Well, didn't know where else to put this thought.


:baaa:


Official Website with have a podcast:

http://www.farmaid.org/site/c.qlI5IhNVJsE/b.6236707/k.8E86/About_the_Concert.htm

fifth element
08-13-2011, 01:58 AM
crazy....musical bass players? this one here and that one there and the one in between goes..nowhere....

Nitro Express
08-13-2011, 02:22 AM
crazy....musical bass players? this one here and that one there and the one in between goes..nowhere....