The Battle of GOAT Hill

[Anonymous]

The Battle of GOAT Hill

Imapus Sylicker, Esq.

Lightning cracked the jagged peaks. There was a terrifying thunderstorm in dat dem thar hills as the sun rose above the quiet town of Ross Amy. The town underdog got out of bed & headed for the Saloon for his daily dose of watered down whisky & verbal abuse from the Evil bartender & his posse of mentally-challenged underlings.

Every day the scene repeated itself. How long had this been going on? Years? Decades? Noone could remember. The town had an officially appointed historian, but whenever an issue had to be settled, not a single resident bothered to search through the millions of pages in the official archives. Instead, they just pulled facts out of their asses & promptly forgot & denied anything that would not suit their own side of the story.

As the underdog entered the Saloon, the usual band of villains was getting ready for another day of abusing anyone who crossed their path. Some of villagers loved this status quo & dreamt of being gang-raped by these evil beings – particularly an Australian bloke & a failed musician from Tennessee – but the large majority of them lived in terror of these miscreants.

But who would they turn to? They were the official representatives of law & order, appointed by a Mayor who, when his "lawmakers" started trouble & he was not within reach of sand to stick his head into, promptly used his own butt.

At his usual place, in the corner of the room, sat a young man working feverishly on a list of the 100 most influential people of the town he built. While unassuming at first, we can quickly surmise that he's the hero of the story, because I just wrote it.

In between writing a few names, The Hero would gaze at the exotic young beauty sitting by the bar, making cross-Atlantic wedding plans with the Evil bartender. The underdog approached the bar & a dirty sock struck him in the face. The blank, thoughtless expressions of the bartender’s pack contorted into grotesque features of abhorrent laughter. Surely, this was the pinnacle of wit!

The oily, slimy laughter of these primates spilled out into the dusty streets, where the few residents that held on to their beloved town shook their heads in disgust at the howls of manic laughter, their shoulders stooping at the futility of it all.

So it had been for as long as anyone could remember.

But this day, things would change.

An unbelievably handsome brown-eyed man, sculpted by the Gods themselves into an imposing, striking figure, rode into town astride a magnificent pure white, extremely high horse. His shapely throat parched from thirst, he headed into the Saloon to get a drink strong enough to dissolve the dust that coated his insides.

He entered the hostile room with a calm, sure stride & politely greeted the denizens of this hall of sins before heading up to the bar. “Whisky”, he ordered, his low, manly voice thick & raspy with the dust of his long trip. The exotic young beauty immediately took notice of the pious, humble stranger & began to pester him. “Lady”, he said, cool as a cucumber “I’m just here to have a drink. Use your charms on someone else. I can tell that your vagina is not very good looking.”

Infuriated by the cheek of this daring fine specimen of manhood, the girl’s insides turned white-hot with rage. She would not be denied. So she began to stalk the herculean stranger around town, until he politely told her to back off. Taking this logical, simple, perfectly reasonable request as a sign to strengthen her advances, things finally came to a halt when the stranger’s patience was depleted.

Even if it went against his nature, he had to resort to verbal abuse, in a desperate attempt to get this woman off his back. How surprised was he that this seemed to turn the woman on beyond belief. Each insult brought her closer to orgasm. Every epithet sent her into uncontrollable throes of deep, animalistic pleasure.

While this circus was going on, the bartender, the child of the devil himself, stepped out into the street & witnessing these amusing shenanigans, became overcome with a fit of ridiculous jealousy & pathetic rage. With the most cowardly of blows, in a clear abuse of his undeserved, ill-gotten powers, he struck the angelic stranger, promptly closing the hilarious discussion.
“Son”, he said, the movement of his jaw sending ripples across his overgrown jowls “this town ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

Yes. This day, things would change.

Link To Part II...

http://www.rotharmy.com/forums/showthread.php?72102-The-Battle-of-GOAT-Hill&p=1886679&viewfull=1#post1886679

[Anonymous]

Well, this is it for now. I know The Hero didn’t play a big part in the story just yet, but join us next time, as he valiantly rallies the people of the town & moves them to Goat Hill. There, aided by the magnificent stranger, no plan will be hatched & a series of zany, over-the-top, hilarious sequences will end up with disastrous results for both sides.

I will also introduce a new, slightly smug character that will end up being pivotal towards the end of the story.

Cheers! :beers:

[Anonymous]

By the way, I will gladly accept any critique and/or suggestion to my writing technique.

I will NOT accept suggestions on the story itself. This is supposed to be a neutral, fictional account of what happened. Since, unlike me, you're all so obviously biased, I will have to respectfully deny any change that you demand.

Cheers! :beers:

[vandeleur]

I don't profess to any critique skills but it was funny , which is why we are here :)

[vandeleur]

I needs to be moved and insulted for it to be a true classic I think.

[Anonymous]

I don't profess to any critique skills but it was funny , which is why we are here :)

We're not here to be funny. We're here to be RESPECTED across the goddamned internet. I started out as a muleskinner, but now I'm a billionaire & banged Pamela Anderson back in the 90s. Nicki Minaj tossed my salad last night. I'm a huge fucking success by all accounts & I'm getting ready to expand. My business, not my girth. And yesterday - get a load of this: Yesterday I went to the fucking beach! With my hot wife!

I can tell you're jealous.


I needs to be moved and insulted for it to be a true classic I think.

Woah there, cowboy. This is only the beginning. You don't start out raping your readers in their eye sockets. You have to ease into it. Make them comfortable. Lube it up, as it were, first.

The next part, which will heavily feature the hero of the story, he who built that town, will move you to tears, as I describe woes of unrequited love & spousal abuse.

Cheers! :beers:

[cadaverdog]

Quit talking and hit the joint Puss.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

where is the fence in this town? I need a place to sit...

[VetteLS5]

where is the fence in this town? I need a place to sit...

around the cowpen

[PETE'S BROTHER]

around the cowpen

this is obviously a Buddhist outpost and cows would roam free. pick a different pen

[Anonymous]

where is the fence in this town? I need a place to sit...

Oh, that's right. I completely forgot about you, the fence-sitter.

I'll try to include you next time, but you really weren't the least bit important during the whole thing, so it's quite easy for you to be overlooked. :)

Cheers! :beers:

[VetteLS5]

this is obviously a Buddhist outpost and cows would roam free. pick a different pen

Ok... Cross?

[VetteLS5]

Oh, that's right. I completely forgot about you, the fence-sitter.

I'll try to include you next time, but you really weren't the least bit important during the whole thing, so it's quite easy for you to be overlooked. :)

Cheers! :beers:

Can I be a character too? Please, pretty please?

[PETE'S BROTHER]

I'll try to include you next time, but you really weren't the least bit important during the whole thing, so it's quite easy for you to be overlooked. :)

Cheers! :beers:

:nono: this is a fundamental mistruth, all of us are equally important to this board, some just can't rise above grade school tactics. some feel you must be abrasive and abusive to others in order to feel good. others like to use the board to share love of music, Mr. Roth, drink, food, life. some fools even use it to talk politics ;) one even uses it to profess his love for an alleged mouse blowin' stoner in CO.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Ok... Cross?

in an 1800s buddist western outpost? c'mon...

http://www.cross.com/our-story.aspx


no way anybody in goat hill had cash for one of those, not even "the donaldo"

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Can I be a character too? Please, pretty please?

with your rep power? :biggrin: you get to be the fence :D

[VAiN]

What exactly is rep power and how do I use it?

[PETE'S BROTHER]

What exactly is rep power and how do I use it?

a silly thing and you can't ;) or maybe, you can cash in 50 for a small t-shirt

[Anonymous]

Can I be a character too? Please, pretty please?

I'm sorry, as PB&J rightly pointed out, you don't have the rep for it.

Besides, you were out of town before it all began. There's no back story. What the hell am I supposed to do with you? "Then all of a sudden some pillock from out of town started shooting at the clique, and his bullets flew straight & true, but due to his being very a low level, he couldn't even chip them for 1 HP."

It just doesn't have that epic je ne sais quoi that I'm looking for.

Cheers! :beers:

[Anonymous]

:nono: this is a fundamental mistruth, all of us are equally important to this board, some just can't rise above grade school tactics. some feel you must be abrasive and abusive to others in order to feel good. others like to use the board to share love of music, Mr. Roth, drink, food, life. some fools even use it to talk politics ;) one even uses it to profess his love for an alleged mouse blowin' stoner in CO.

This was brilliant.

Beautiful. I have tears in my eyes.

Cheers! :beers:

[vandeleur]

There is some good stuff in here, some funny ,some a little delusional and some ambulance chasers after some easy rep power :D

[Guitar Shark]

Needs more cowbell.

[VetteLS5]

in an 1800s buddist western outpost? c'mon...

http://www.cross.com/our-story.aspx


no way anybody in goat hill had cash for one of those, not even "the donaldo"

Ok... feather?

[VetteLS5]

no way anybody in goat hill had cash for one of those, not even "the donaldo"

Oh I don't know about that. Rumor is that later in the story all the residents in the town get told how successful a certain successful success is, by said success.

[VetteLS5]

I'm sorry, as PB&J rightly pointed out, you don't have the rep for it.

Besides, you were out of town before it all began. There's no back story. What the hell am I supposed to do with you? "Then all of a sudden some pillock from out of town started shooting at the clique, and his bullets flew straight & true, but due to his being very a low level, he couldn't even chip them for 1 HP."

It just doesn't have that epic je ne sais quoi that I'm looking for.

Cheers! :beers:

: stuffs hands in pockets, bows head, kicks a stone and shuffles off :

[ZahZoo]

What exactly is rep power and how do I use it?

21st Century Karma points... Stay tuned for special offers and discounts only with your Roth Army Rep Power!!

[PETE'S BROTHER]

we should stripe our points

[twonabomber]

There is some good stuff in here, some funny ,some a little delusional and some ambulance chasers after some easy rep power :D

Mostly delusional...

[DONNIEP]

Stepped

On

Cabbage

[DONNIEP]

Hurry up and get to the part where the gold mine owner buys up all the land to establish GOAT Hill. I like that part.

[lesfunk]

Cabbage? How rude!

[cadaverdog]

Last time I commented I only glanced at the story and assumed it was gibberish. After actually reading the story I've changed my mind. It's a fucking work of art. I feel a kinship with the main character.

[cadaverdog]

I deleted my post because I felt like it but I can't think of a good replacement. I'm stoned.

[lesfunk]

After a brief reconoiter goat hill turns out to be an empty claim, only iron sulfide in abundance.

[Terry]

The Battle of GOAT Hill

Imapus Sylicker, Esq.

Lightning cracked the jagged peaks. There was a terrifying thunderstorm in dat dem thar hills as the sun rose above the quiet town of Ross Amy. The town underdog got out of bed & headed for the Saloon for his daily dose of watered down whisky & verbal abuse from the Evil bartender & his posse of mentally-challenged underlings.

Every day the scene repeated itself. How long had this been going on? Years? Decades? Noone could remember. The town had an officially appointed historian, but whenever an issue had to be settled, not a single resident bothered to search through the millions of pages in the official archives. Instead, they just pulled facts out of their asses & promptly forgot & denied anything that would not suit their own side of the story.

As the underdog entered the Saloon, the usual band of villains was getting ready for another day of abusing anyone who crossed their path. Some of villagers loved this status quo & dreamt of being gang-raped by these evil beings – particularly an Australian bloke & a failed musician from Tennessee – but the large majority of them lived in terror of these miscreants.

But who would they turn to? They were the official representatives of law & order, appointed by a Mayor who, when his "lawmakers" started trouble & he was not within reach of sand to stick his head into, promptly used his own butt.

At his usual place, in the corner of the room, sat a young man working feverishly on a list of the 100 most influential people of the town he built. While unassuming at first, we can quickly surmise that he's the hero of the story, because I just wrote it.

In between writing a few names, The Hero would gaze at the exotic young beauty sitting by the bar, making cross-Atlantic wedding plans with the Evil bartender. The underdog approached the bar & a dirty sock struck him in the face. The blank, thoughtless expressions of the bartender’s pack contorted into grotesque features of abhorrent laughter. Surely, this was the pinnacle of wit!

The oily, slimy laughter of these primates spilled out into the dusty streets, where the few residents that held on to their beloved town shook their heads in disgust at the howls of manic laughter, their shoulders stooping at the futility of it all.

So it had been for as long as anyone could remember.

But this day, things would change.

An unbelievably handsome brown-eyed man, sculpted by the Gods themselves into an imposing, striking figure, rode into town astride a magnificent pure white, extremely high horse. His shapely throat parched from thirst, he headed into the Saloon to get a drink strong enough to dissolve the dust that coated his insides.

He entered the hostile room with a calm, sure stride & politely greeted the denizens of this hall of sins before heading up to the bar. “Whisky”, he ordered, his low, manly voice thick & raspy with the dust of his long trip. The exotic young beauty immediately took notice of the pious, humble stranger & began to pester him. “Lady”, he said, cool as a cucumber “I’m just here to have a drink. Use your charms on someone else. I can tell that your vagina is not very good looking.”

Infuriated by the cheek of this daring fine specimen of manhood, the girl’s insides turned white-hot with rage. She would not be denied. So she began to stalk the herculean stranger around town, until he politely told her to back off. Taking this logical, simple, perfectly reasonable request as a sign to strengthen her advances, things finally came to a halt when the stranger’s patience was depleted.

Even if it went against his nature, he had to resort to verbal abuse, in a desperate attempt to get this woman off his back. How surprised was he that this seemed to turn the woman on beyond belief. Each insult brought her closer to orgasm. Every epithet sent her into uncontrollable throes of deep, animalistic pleasure.

While this circus was going on, the bartender, the child of the devil himself, stepped out into the street & witnessing these amusing shenanigans, became overcome with a fit of ridiculous jealousy & pathetic rage. With the most cowardly of blows, in a clear abuse of his undeserved, ill-gotten powers, he struck the angelic stranger, promptly closing the hilarious discussion.
“Son”, he said, the movement of his jaw sending ripples across his overgrown jowls “this town ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

Yes. This day, things would change.

For some reason, I suspect this 'Goat Hill' isn't a real place at all, but rather a fantasy-based analogy, illustrative of a tangible place. Perhaps a place both common to and easily-recognized by those who are HERE reading the story of Goat Hill.

:headscratch:

Anyway, what's the subject of this thread again?

[cadaverdog]

Anyway, what's the subject of this thread again?
The fictional story of The Battle Of GOAT Hill. Any similarities between characters and/or actions in The Battle Of GOAT Hill and real people(or internet personas) are purely coincidental.

[Anonymous]

For some reason, I suspect this 'Goat Hill' isn't a real place at all, but rather a fantasy-based analogy, illustrative of a tangible place. Perhaps a place both common to and easily-recognized by those who are HERE reading the story of Goat Hill.

:headscratch:

Anyway, what's the subject of this thread again?

All will become clear over time, Terry. All the pieces will fit neatly into place.

I can't deliver the whole thing just like that, though. It's not about time, the first part took me about twenty minutes, but if I dump it all, very few people will read it & those that do will quickly lose interest afterwards. If I spread it out over the course of weeks, it will whet the appetite & make each instalment that much more satisfying.

Cheers! :beers:

[PETE'S BROTHER]

weeks? :bolt:

[vandeleur]

mmmm weeks , we have a short attention span us young folk. Daily is surely ..... oh look its a squirrel :)

[Anonymous]

You will have your small doses of entertainment & like it!

I will not rush my Art just so a handful of ungrateful, spoiled brats can have their instant gratification.

Now, off to bed with you. No dessert today.

Cheers! :beers:

[PETE'S BROTHER]

I got a box of ice cream sammiches :cool1:

[FORD]

But will the "GOAT Hill" story reach the epic proportions of the GUNT Wars series? That is the real question.......

[PETE'S BROTHER]

I hope not...

[chefcraig]

Hey, can we have Civil War uniforms for some of the characters? I'm thinking Rob Zombie with a musket.

[vandeleur]

I always imagined cdog as looking like yosemite sam ( that's how I read his posts), so we are saving on the costume budget straight away.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Hey, can we have Civil War uniforms for some of the characters? I'm thinking Rob Zombie with a musket.

it's a western, so we can have camels, and maybe some muskets, but keep it to buckskin, feathers, lace, denim (maybe) or cotton leisure wear. uniforms are too cliché and aren't necessary. like the three amigos or tombstone, there should be defining sashes.

[DONNIEP]

Hey, can we have Civil War uniforms for some of the characters? I'm thinking Rob Zombie with a musket.

Yes. Depending on one's role in this Epic Saga, you will either be issued Confederate uniforms or yankee dog uniforms.

[DONNIEP]

it's a western, so we can have camels, and maybe some muskets, but keep it to buckskin, feathers, lace, denim (maybe) or cotton leisure wear. uniforms are too cliché and aren't necessary. like the three amigos or tombstone, there should be defining sashes.

And pretty shoes!

[chefcraig]

Yes. Depending on one's role in this Epic Saga, you will either be issued Confederate uniforms or yankee dog uniforms.

Best fucking epic movie scene, in all history...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWCvi-XvQuo

[DONNIEP]

Best fucking epic movie scene, in all history...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWCvi-XvQuo

I know this guy who used to run around here quoting that scene... :biggrin:

[vandeleur]

Best fucking epic movie scene, in all history..


Really , That's a bold statement :)

[chefcraig]

Really , That's a bold statement :)

Or this, set to the theme of The Good, The Bad and Ugly...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Csv1wXOr5tY

[vandeleur]

Kelly's heroes is a great movie.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Best fucking epic movie scene, in all history...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWCvi-XvQuo

best horse racing movie... https://youtu.be/s4-bVE8XjC0

[chefcraig]

Kelly's heroes is a great movie.

Thought you would appreciate that one, vandy. :thumb:

[cadaverdog]

I always imagined cdog as looking like yosemite sam ( that's how I read his posts), so we are saving on the costume budget straight away.
My beards shorter, my hair's neater and I'm much taller otherwise we could pass for twins.

[cadaverdog]

Thanx for the filler during intermission. The snackbar closes at 10 pm EDT

[cadaverdog]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2YVyLLKRHw#t=11
Epic.

[chefcraig]

Thanx for the filler during intermission. The snackbar closes at 10 pm EDT


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mw91RJ_m_7g

[PETE'S BROTHER]

My beards shorter, my hair's neater and I'm much taller otherwise we could pass for twins.

you're a ginger?

[vandeleur]

you're a ginger?

Nah he is a red head , no hair just a red head :D

[cadaverdog]

you're a ginger?
Aye. My real name is Sheamus. Borderline I guess. My hair was reddish blond when I was born and got lighter until it turned a charcoalish color a few years ago.

[Anonymous]

Part II: GOAT Hill is Born

The sound of a distant cowbell echoed through the streets of Ross Amy, where the Handsome Stranger & the Evil bartender stood, the stranger’s hand & the bartender’s balloon like paw hovering above their .45s.

The melodious sound was joined by another cowbell, and another, and another, one by one until the still, oppressive air was filled with the dulcet tones of a hundred thousand cowbells clanging in alternate rhythm, a heavenly symphony fit for the gods themselves.

Far, far away, a producer stopped dead in his tracks, turned his head in the direction of the sound & proclaimed, a single tear running down his cheek, “This. This is enough cowbell.”


* * * * *

Inside the Saloon, the Hero Who Built the Town, completely oblivious to what was going on, raised his head from his carefully crafted list, kicked back the chair & ran to the door, a single thought filling his entire mind. He was going to build a new town.

For this, he needed help. And money. Lots & lots of cold, hard cash. Only one man in town could help him. And there was only one place that man could be at this hour – having tea with every single married woman in town.

The Hero rushed to the Tea Parlor & urgently knocked on the door. His dream could not wait. The foundation was already laid in his mind, a foundation that some would call insane. Others would call the federal authorities & have him committed. But the Hero knew he was on to something.

From behind the door, a familiar voice rang out. Many were the times that voice & the Hero’s own could be heard all over town, proclaiming all sorts of far-fetched accomplishments to the four winds, each & every outlandish claim punctuated with a hearty “Woooooooo”. This time, the voice was much more subdued, although the claims were still outrageous. “I have already serviced fourteen of you this afternoon”, was heard weakly on the other side of the door “I do plan on going through another dozen or so before I retire for the night, but you must give me some time, woman!”

“Shut the fuck up & get out of there” the Hero shouted, the urgency in his voice unmistakable “There’s no time for more crumpet. We have a town to build!”

The door opened & out came what could only be described as a true Southern gentleman. His skin bronzed to perfection from many afternoons of mowing the lawn & riding to General Mart on his convertible coach, his eyes steady & penetrating from years of shootin’ & a hollerin’ in his backyard, a gold Rolex the size of a hubcap in his delicate, feminine wrist & the prettiest pair of shoes you could ever hope to see. Seriously, they were red glass slippers with the cutest frilly bow on top. They were adorable! To die for!

“Hang on,” the Southern Businessman said “I’ve got to sneeze. Hand me that bowl”. The Hero promptly handed the Businessman the bowl, whereupon the latter one sneezed, several particles of gold coming out of his nostrils at lightning speed, a remnant of all the years he had toiled as a youngster in the gold mine that built the foundation of his immeasurable wealth. He had breathed in so much gold dust that each of his sneezes was worth a thousand dollars. He had scraped those walls so much that every time he clipped his nails, trimmed his beard or shaved his golden hair, the resultant litter was worth more than any single person could hope to earn in one lifetime.

“Now, what’s this about a new town”, the Businessman asked “Is this another one of your hare-brained ideas? Let’s do it!” “It’s not a hare-brained idea!” The excitement of the Hero could scarcely be contained. “This town that I built myself many years ago has been plundered & raped by the filthy Blue Coated lackeys of the Malevolent bartender. It’s time we start anew elsewhere. A Land of absolute Freedom, where the Brave can make their Home. And we will do it up in Goat Hill, where this creepy vagrant had his balls bounced in the hand of that huge cowboy. You’ll cough up for the land – literally – and cover every expense, including my future Vodka-fueled, nonsensical attacks on Ross Amy.”

“Sounds reasonable enough” was the reply of the Businessman. And in truth, it was. “Shall we take someone else with us?” “I’ll post some bills around town. My new town, which I shall call Goat Town, will be open to everybody, even the blue coats. But they will not be allowed to wield any powers. This will assure that the Malignant Corruption that eats at Ross Amy from within will have no hold over Goat Town.”

And with that, they ran off into the street, where they met the town’s Fence-sitter. “You there, Fence-sitter” called the Hero “Will you join us in our adventure?” “I might”, was the hesitant reply “buy I’ll keep my own home here, if that’s ok. I can’t make my mind up for shit. Besides, you’re gonna fail again and again, and I don’t want to move my stuff pointlessly. I have a donkey, but he can’t carry me and my stuff at the same time.” “I’ll join you”, came a cry for behind them. It was the Underdog. “I have nothing left for me here, so I might as well be a nuisance somewhere else. Who knows? Maybe I’ll stop being a bitter old cun… coot & start behaving like a proper human being. It’s not impossible.”

Hope swelled within the Hero’s chest. “Things are starting to shape up, eh Businessman? We’ll have our Town up in no time! Hang on, what’s going on over there? It seems the Beastly bartender is having an argument with the Flawless Stranger. Let’s have a look.”


* * * * *

The Heavenly Stranger looked down at the Depraved bartender. “Is this the best you can do, buddy? Aren’t you man enough to take me one on one?” He was sure this was all a misunderstanding. The Abhorrent bartender would come to his sense, they’d trade a few good-natured insults, & be on their merry way as if nothing ever happened. Instead, the Villain refused to back down & continued piling his low blows on the Stranger, each attempt growing more & more desperate. He knew he had fucked up, but Heaven forbid he’d ever admit his fault. Maybe if he fucked up long enough, no one would notice.

The Stranger grew worried. The Gormless cronies began pouring out into the streets. At first, they were simply trying to separate the two antagonists, but the Stranger knew that eventually blind, misguided loyalties would take over the field. Already the Australian was grabbing the bartender’s cock with one hand and aiming his gun at the Stranger with the other.

There was nothing left to do. The field was lost. Wise beyond mere human comprehension, knowing he could not possibly take on the whole band of miscreants alone, and aware that many of them didn’t deserve his justified wrath to begin with, the Astonishing Stranger jumped in his incredibly high horse & with a heavy heart, announced his departure. “If that’s what you want… so be it. You will not hear of me again” A cry rang out behind the Stranger, “Head for Goat Hill!”

Not bothering to turn back to see who had shouted, the Stranger rode out of Ross Amy, no longer with a heavy heart. He had a destination.

Goat Hill.

[Anonymous]

Well, that was intense. And cathartic.

I apologise in advance. I am quite aware there aren't nearly enough laughs in this part - although there a couple of good ones that I'm particularly fond of - but, for me at least, this was the darkest, less funny part of the whole saga. So I hadn't much to work with.

The next part should be much, much lighter, as the plot thickens, more important characters make their first appearance, & the whole overall tone shifts to pure, unabated silliness.

We've got this!

EDIT: I would ask someone with the power to do so, to put up this link in the first post:

[ URL="http://www.rotharmy.com/forums/showthread.php?72102-The-Battle-of-GOAT-Hill&p=1886679&viewfull=1#post1886679"]Link to Part II: GOAT Hill is Born[/URL]

It's obviously broken so that it can be more easily copied & edited into said post. Thanks in advance.

Cheers! :beers:

[chefcraig]

Sweet, Tap-Dancing Baby Jeebus, not since Willie Nelson released "Red Headed Stranger" or the ancient "Wild, Wild West" or "The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr". tv shows have I been more enthralled with a western-themed plot. :appl:

More. Yes I said it, MORE! NOW! :yo:

Ride on the Magnificent Seven! :fighting0036:

Nicely done, my friend.

[chefcraig]

EDIT: I would ask someone with the power to do so, to put up this link in the first post:

[ URL="http://www.rotharmy.com/forums/showthread.php?72102-The-Battle-of-GOAT-Hill&p=1886679&viewfull=1#post1886679"]Link to Part II: GOAT Hill is Born[/URL]

It's obviously broken so that it can be more easily copied & edited into said post. Thanks in advance.

Cheers! :beers:

I think I managed it, but remember, I'm a fumble-fingers at best and a drunkard at worst. :guzzle:

[Anonymous]

Sweet, Tap-Dancing Baby Jeebus, not since Willie Nelson released "Red Headed Stranger" or the ancient "Wild, Wild West" or "The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr". tv shows have I been more enthralled with a western-themed plot. :appl:

More. Yes I said it, MORE! NOW! :yo:

Ride on the Magnificent Seven! :fighting0036:

Nicely done, my friend.

You dare to compare my pitiful attempt at story-twist... er, telling to The Prodigious Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.?

I cannot, will not, in good conscience accept such praise. You must be misremembering The Greatest Television Series of All Time in the Known & Unknown Universe.

I am forever thankful for your consideration, my Friend.

Cheers! :beers:

[PETE'S BROTHER]

are Donnie p and zah both the businessman? seemed like an amalgam

[Anonymous]

are Donnie p and zah both the businessman? seemed like an amalgam

No no, each character is a separate entity, there are no amalgamations. While the Businessman is not exactly a spring chicken, he's not decrepit yet, either.

Notice that my reply is NOT a confirmation of the Businessman's identity.

I refuse to use names because they're personal info. I wouldn't want to be banned for something as ridiculous as a misunderstanding of a friendly, good-natured joke.

Cheers! :beers:

[Anonymous]

I think I managed it, but remember, I'm a fumble-fingers at best and a drunkard at worst. :guzzle:

Good enough, Chef!

Thank you!

Man, all this almost makes me feel bad for the part you'll eventually have to play in the story.

BUTT! The truth cannot be raped & put away bleeding wet, not even for a good friendship. I hope that you'll forgive me & understand. In any case, you're gonna come out on top & smelling of roses, not because *I* choose to, but because *YOU* chose to.

I think you'll agree the destination will be worth the trip.

Cheers! :beers:

[Anonymous]

I will pull no punches. Not even towards my favourite character, the Handsome Stranger. Of course, for some reason, it's very easy for me to understand & therefore explain this particular character's motivations, so it may appear that I am playing favourites.

Let me lay these suspicions to rest in front of everybody, right now. The Handsome Stranger is a rotten bastard. He has this weird superiority complex that causes him to inadvertently look down on others for absolutely no discernible or logical reason. He can be a vicious, mean-spirited bastard that will hold a grudge well into his grave, no matter how pathetic the slight may have been. But he's a man of his word & never betrayed any trust placed on him. Even if it's from those he doesn't like simply due to his aforementioned superiority complex.

Cheers! :beers:

[vandeleur]

Very very funny but I do hope I get a percentage of the profits ...
You know based on a vandy magnificent 7 post ;)

[Anonymous]

Very very funny but I do hope I get a percentage of the profits ...
You know based on a vandy magnificent 7 post ;)

That's extortion! You tossed that idea like a spent, sticky hooker. It never, for one second, crossed your tiny mind that someone would take that hooker, wash & groom her, marry the whore & turn her into this magnificent goddess that you now see before you.

And now you want her back? Screw you!

Hang on, did I just make a metaphor where I married one of your sloppy seconds? I need to start thinking these things through.

Cheers! :beers:

[chefcraig]

Good enough, Chef!

Thank you!

Man, all this almost makes me feel bad for the part you'll eventually have to play in the story.

BUTT! The truth cannot be raped & put away bleeding wet, not even for a good friendship. I hope that you'll forgive me & understand. In any case, you're gonna come out on top & smelling of roses, not because *I* choose to, but because *YOU* chose to.

I think you'll agree the destination will be worth the trip.

Cheers! :beers:

Lay it out, brother. After the life I've led, I have far too much to apologize for. All of my poorly (or not even) thought out actions are of public record, so even a fictionalized account will not change the cold, hard fact that I am a complete and utterly despicable bonehead.

Roth On! And may the force be with you.:rockon:

[vandeleur]

Ima am not denying your obvious genius in this wonderful creation am just glad to be part of the show .
Expect a letter from my lawyers screwem, Goode and hard in 5-7 days :)

[Anonymous]

Lay it out, brother. After the life I've lead, I have far too much to apologize for. All of my poorly (or not even) thought out actions are of public record, so even a fictionalized account will not change the cold, hard fact that I am a complete and utterly despicable bonehead.

Roth On! And may the force be with you.:rockon:

Bonehead? Certainly Despicable? That's debatable.

At any rate, it's only a small part & historical accuracy notwithstanding, a large part of the reason I will include it is because I'm quite certain I can lead into a good, more than decent chuckle for all involved.

And that... That's the Bottom Line of this whole ordeal.

Cheers! :beers:

[chefcraig]

Ima am not denying your obvious genius in this wonderful creation am just glad to be part of the show .
Expect a letter from my lawyers screwem, Goode and hard in 5-7 days :)

I'd like to point out that Guitar Shark and I are partners in the law firm Dewey, Cheatem & Howe. We collectively represent Mr. Pussylicker, so any actions by your firm should be directed toward us.

[Anonymous]

Ima am not denying your obvious genius in this wonderful creation am just glad to be part of the show .
Expect a letter from my lawyers screwem, Goode and hard in 5-7 days :)

Can I at least finish the novelization of the last war before we embark on another ugly affair of sin, debauchery & rampant carnage?

Besides, I've dealt with lawyers before. In the process, I found out two things:

Reptiles eat their own kind and,

Laws are weak against crocodile teeth.

Cheers! :beers:

[vandeleur]

Forgive me for interrupting the story, I will chill and look forward to further instalments :)

[DONNIEP]

I see that the rich gold mine owner has made his way into the story. Ahh...nothing like someone to bank roll a half drunken idea. The chances of failure are high, the risks, meh - who cares about those. Besides, it was just a town in a dried up, dirty western county where anybody with a few dollars could start a town. Oh, sometimes they'd spring up, full of hope and excitement. Then all the hookers would move to the next new town and the shop keepers would close their doors and move to more prosperous areas. And honestly, who cared, so long as the town made the founders a few dollars and a high time was had by all.

I actually walked through old GOAT Hill a few weeks back. Most of the framework of the town is still standing. But there's no loud music coming from the saloon. No fist fights in the streets. Hell, I thought I heard a familiar WOOOOOOO!!!! but it was just the howl of a lone wolf somewhere far off. But...back during its heyday....well that's a whole 'nother story...

[Anonymous]

I actually walked through old GOAT Hill a few weeks back. Most of the framework of the town is still standing. But there's no loud music coming from the saloon. No fist fights in the streets. Hell, I thought I heard a familiar WOOOOOOO!!!! but it was just the howl of a lone wolf somewhere far off. But...back during its heyday....well that's a whole 'nother story...

:cry2::cry:

Cheers! :cry2:

[cadaverdog]

Never been to GOAT Hill myself but my great grandpappy used to live there.

[chefcraig]

Never been to GOAT Hill myself but my great grandpappy used to live there.

Me too. My great grandfather was named Jim West. He used to show off all sorts of gadgets he had while working for the government. Such as the boots that had a hollowed out, removable heal that contained explosives, or a contraption he wore on his arm under his sports coat that slide out a Derringer. Not an effective weapon for combat, yet he could use it to shoot a rope and steel arrow into a wall to escape peril.

Man, I miss that dude...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGAdcYR-ANI

[DONNIEP]

Me too. My great grandfather was named Jim West. He used to show off all sorts of gadgets he had while working for the government. Such as the boots that had a hollowed out, removable heal that contained explosives, or a contraption he wore on his arm under his sports coat that slide out a Derringer. Not an effective weapon for combat, yet he could use it to shoot a rope and steel arrow into a wall to escape peril.

Man, I miss that dude...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGAdcYR-ANI

And he bagged more womarns than Ric Flair! I think it was those tight pants he wore...

[chefcraig]

"Protect your gonads and fire that government issue gun, young man".


http://i58.tinypic.com/t0m41t.jpg

[chefcraig]

For Country Dick Montana, still missed...dead November 8, 1995.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGO5okcUDBM

[chefcraig]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEZtII8rt_Y

[Hardrock69]

UH HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH.....

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH...

http://i57.tinypic.com/2cr85ef.jpg

:hee:

[Hardrock69]

in an 1800s buddist western outpost? c'mon...

http://www.cross.com/our-story.aspx


no way anybody in goat hill had cash for one of those, not even "the donaldo"

Well, the 1800s buddist western outpost thing has already been done....

http://i61.tinypic.com/23uvedi.jpg

But if you could turn it into Buddhists On Crack Western Outpost, it might make it more interesting.


"Master I sold 2 ounces of crack today."

http://i62.tinypic.com/2mq94hy.jpg


"Is that all?"
http://i59.tinypic.com/35k3gv4.jpg


"Well, I also sold 2 grams of Cambodian Red"
http://i60.tinypic.com/25s63di.jpg


"That is unacceptable. You will lift up the cauldron of fire 40 times for your punishment"
http://i58.tinypic.com/15qyh6p.jpg
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
http://i61.tinypic.com/2i20ebs.jpg

But then I would say Goat Hill has it's cast of characters already created. No need to get Kwai Chang Caine involved in all that hooliganism with the evil bartender.

Brilliant piece of literary foolishness I must say.

[Master Po]

Yoo use image without my permission.

Yoo hear from legal team in morning.

Man who steal image can only egress fine bamboo when harmony in wrong key.

[ashstralia]

In the next scene I ....

Hang on, Kristy's on the telling bone

[Anonymous]

Brilliant piece of literary foolishness I must say.

Very decent of you to say so.

Thank you. :yo:

Cheers! :beers:

[ashstralia]

I wholeheartedly agree; my management team have never signed me up for anything dodgy...

Great work izzy!!

[Anonymous]

Thank you.

I believe it's only fair to tell you both that while I honestly do appreciate the compliments, this will not, can not change your respective roles in the story.

It would be a fatal blow to my integrity if I was swayed by flattery. I'm truly sorry.

Cheers! :beers:

[ashstralia]

Yeah, I know. I'm face down in a wedding cake next episode. :(

[Anonymous]

Shit, who hasn't been in that situation?

I can surely relate to that.

Cheers! :beers:

[VetteLS5]

Ok, we're creeping up on a week now...

Personally, I can't wait for the massively endowed water-fetcher-for-the-ironsmith to make his appearance.

[WARF]

did someone say GOAT?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7sLYNwevDQ

[cadaverdog]

The GOAT quacks like a duck when he sucks. That means he quacks like a duck 24/7.

[DONNIEP]

did someone say GOAT?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7sLYNwevDQ

Damn, has it been almost three years since I sent you that video? Shit man, we're getting old, lol.

[DONNIEP]

Ok, we're creeping up on a week now...

Personally, I can't wait for the massively endowed water-fetcher-for-the-ironsmith to make his appearance.

What the hell's an ironsmith?

[cadaverdog]

What the hell's an ironsmith?
That's the P C term for blacksmith I guess.

[DONNIEP]

That's the P C term for blacksmith I guess.

When I think of a blacksmith I picture Tyreese from Walking Dead. He was bad ass.

[cadaverdog]

When I think of a blacksmith I picture Tyreese from Walking Dead. He was bad ass.

The Skipper played a blacksmith in Hang Em High.

[WARF]

Damn, has it been almost three years since I sent you that video? Shit man, we're getting old, lol.

Why doesn't this guy have a web site yet?

Wanna start one?

[WARF]

this one right here is your girlfriends favorite song!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6WUwKRpLDc

[DONNIEP]

Why doesn't this guy have a web site yet?

Wanna start one?

We should have just had the t shirts printed up and sold them. I mean, the dude was pawning his bass so it wasn't like he could have sued us. I mean, I know the site made money. But hell if we could have sold 300 t shirts we could have made a killing. Oh well, we'll know better next time!

[cadaverdog]

OK fellas. Let's not confuse anybody about the non fiction nature of The Battle Of GOAT Hill. The fact that The GOAT capitalizes his entire name like the town is merely a coincidence.

[WARF]

We should have just had the t shirts printed up and sold them. I mean, the dude was pawning his bass so it wasn't like he could have sued us. I mean, I know the site made money. But hell if we could have sold 300 t shirts we could have made a killing. Oh well, we'll know better next time!

I bet that bass is still in the pawn shop! lol

[WARF]

hahahaha he fired the whole band!!!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dqy9WJe2as8

[FORD]

What the hell's an ironsmith?

A new supergroup formed by Bruce Dickinson & Joe Perry?

[cadaverdog]

A new supergroup formed by Bruce Dickinson & Joe Perry?
Raymond Burr and Joe Perry.

[cadaverdog]

hahahaha he fired the whole band!!!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dqy9WJe2as8
He fired his MOM?

[FORD]

Raymond Burr and Joe Perry.

That might work too. And even though Raymond Burr is dead, it still couldn't be any worse than any other record Joe Perry has played on since 1986.

[DONNIEP]

A new supergroup formed by Bruce Dickinson & Joe Perry?

So long as that homo Tyler ain't anywhere near the stage then I'm down. I mean, serious, Bruce Jenner is more manly than that sissy at this point. Probably sings better too. Damn sure has better hair.

[DONNIEP]

hahahaha he fired the whole band!!!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dqy9WJe2as8

I'd bet 50 bucks that guy in the satin jacket is his manager...

The blonde chick at 10:30 has some rockin tits!

[cadaverdog]

Can't wait for the next chapter.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/matt-cage/im-a-professional-wrestler-heres-why-i-finally-came-out_b_7686524.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

now that izzy's press release is done, hope he continues this tome

[DONNIEP]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/matt-cage/im-a-professional-wrestler-heres-why-i-finally-came-out_b_7686524.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

now that izzy's press release is done, hope he continues this tome

Never heard of him. Doesn't look like much of a wrassler though, little guy. Wouldn't last 3 minutes with Ric Flair.

[cadaverdog]

Never heard of him. Doesn't look like much of a wrassler though, little guy. Wouldn't last 3 minutes with Ric Flair.
In the ring or the sack?

[DONNIEP]

In the ring or the sack?

I am going to pretend I didn't hear you say this about the Nature Boy...