Kristy
12-29-2015, 09:56 PM
https://drydenmoviesandsuch.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/dawn-of-the-dead-poster.jpg
So being sick of the bitter cold I spent most of the day being baked and watching the re-make of Dawn Of The Dead. A bit if a departure from previous zombie films (which are getting stale) where the zombies sprint like cheetahs, chasing you down the road until you fall over from exhaustion. Then they tear you from limb-to-bloody-limb and eat you, leaving just enough so that you thrash in agony for a bit, die, and eventually wake up as a zombie yourself.
Now in the old Dawn Of The Dead the slow moving zombies were obviously a metaphor for the vast, unthinking consumer hordes (a point rammed home by the fact that the action took place in a shopping mall). Which means, I think (and I am seldom wrong about these matters) that the new Dawn Of The Dead has turned this critique on its head. It is in fact saying that it’s the unwashed majority who are super-cool. And it’s the self-appointed elite – the All Tomorrow’s Arty-Farty Party snobs – who are the true burden in modern societal terms.
Or maybe not. I’m confused. I’m also high so I have the god damn right to be confused. Once they legalize weed in Aussie Land definitely rent this this film. The first ten minutes (and the closing credits) are the dog’s balls. Much in the vein of all Hollywood zombie flicks, this too starts conventionally enough – blonde woman escapes from house chased by undead former capitalist husband etc. but once our heroine is out and about in white-picket-fenced of American suburbia, things take a turn for the sphincter-tighteningly hilarious. There’s another capitalist in a dressing gown, absolutely shitting his Calvins, is trying to pop zombies with a low caliber pistol when – WHAM – he’s pancaked by a panic stricken pig driven crazily zigzagging cop car.
This taking place in America and all of course there are gunshots, billowing smoke, unprecedented and even more unnecessary explosions. What is the most interesting are the American capitalists here middle class white stereotypes sprinting about all over the place like fucking maniacs on head-exploding horror-drugs. Some of them are screaming in sheer pissing terror while others are bellowing with zomboid blood lust and there’s no way to tell good from bad, zombie from normo, stiff from freako even if not being baked until – WHAMMO – one of the undead is in your face and biting your god damn eyeball off.
On a deeper and more social psychological level this destruction of white, middle class, suburbia is both exhilarating and terrifying. Because it’s wanton death and destruction in this place and on this scale that you’ve dreamt about all your life, isn’t it, you crazy little rock’n’roll Aussie you? Huh! Damn straight! That’ll teach mummy not to pay for your piano lessons.
CHOMP.
Right. Where was? Oh yeah. This was the first movie I’ve seen for some time that hasn’t made me scream at the scream in rage and frustration or something. And don’t even get me started on all these retarded 50-somethings who refuse to shut up about the new Star Wars. Take Lord Of The Rings. What a pile of fascist/capitalistic overkill. You’ve got these working class accented Orcs who are an obviously a superior species to the folksy short-monkey hobbits - who have not only developed industry but have also perfected the technology of cloning and thus made obsolete the pain and suffering of
childbirth but, get this, these are the bad guys! No, the “goodies” are – wait for it – the good old feudal aristocracy. Rah, rah, rah – we’re going to bash the Orcs! (I’m am not at all surprised by this. Tolkien, of course, was public school educated where yours truly was Catholic school educated so – Orcs/Oiks – coincidence? I don’t fucking think so). Basically Lord Of The Rings is like Star Wars, Morrissey and Taylor Swift wearing a gaudy Burberry baseball cap.
I mean, I try really hard not to despise my fellow human beings. Because, you know, everybody is beautiful. In their own way. Which reminds to the time when I could have been baked (or not) watching the local news and they had on this guy who stood in line for 4 days to see Lord Of The Rings part 3. “I’ve watched both parts 1 and 2 every day for the past 2 months!” he jabbered, with the drool flecking his neat little nonce- beard. Ser-MASH! Tinkle! That’s my boot going straight through the TV screen.
People, I have sat through parts 1,2, and 3. That’s 11 hours of most mind-numbing-aching hippie fest wank ever constructed. For those of you who haven’t seen it, here’s what happens:
These short well, whatever they are call themselves Hobbits get hold of a ring. Tripe enough, right? Hold on, there’s more because there is always more: These short, smelly hippie Hobbits are deputized in some capitalist way to take the ring back to the volcano where it was made or this giant evil eyeball will rule the world – forever! So they do. Only it takes them over 11 god damn hours. ‘The Greatest Story Ever Told’ was only 2 hours long, for fuck’s sake…and that had the entire history of the world in it.
By far, the worst element about Lord Of The Rings is the 7-11-slurping Big Bang Theory-like twats you have to watch it with. Be warned, these films are the most powerful geek-magnets every made. Every friendless, finger-sniffing, bus-spotting, Dungeons &Dragons playing ming-mong in Christendom will be sat behind you, reeking of urine and giggling hysterically every time Zanon, son of Poobah tries his best to masutbate on Liv Tyler.
I swear, when Liv and Urgo, son of Brabgar finally got it together at the end, you could actually hear whole rows of these over 30 still living with their mother sad bastards coming for the first time in their miserable lives. Split! Splat! Splot! I mean an usher actually had to climb on stage with a Wet-Wipe to get all the reeking pus and geek baby-batter off the screen.
Even with the ring destroyed, the Orcs mashed, the giant eye poked out and Liv over sexualized that wasn’t the end. Oh no. It dragged on for ages. With scene after scene of these filthy Hobbits cunts being bored because their exciting adventure had ended. Yes! I fucking KNOW! So end the god damn film, OK!? Even a late night lame-O Kung Fu movie doesn’t end with 20 minutes of Bruce Lee watching TV and picking his nose and generally having a bit of a moan about how bored he is now that he’s kicked all the bad guys to death, does it? Your James Bond movie doesn’t finish with half an hour of 007 wondering whether to clip coupons out of the morning paper or save them for later because he’s got zero to do now that he’s saved the world, does it?
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/02/79/60/027960f5b74edd764a7e7522f1e13e3e.jpg
Steven Tyler - with boobs
The bottom line is that Lord Of The Rings is the worst series of films made since the new Star Wars. That’s just my opinion. You might think differently. You might think The Lord Of The Fucking Rings trilogy is the most exciting, significant and profound human cultural statement ever made. Well, no wonder you spend your time posting on a forum.
Then there was Tom Cruise in Last Samurai. What a load of reactionary pseudo-intellectism. The plot, such as it was, centers around Tom going native with a bunch of bloodthirsty feudal aristocrats who are resisting the Emperor’s attempts to change Japan into a modern industrial democracy. So Tom leads these tool sacks and d-bags into a suicidal charge against machine guns. Of course they get the living shit shot out of them and this is presented as a bad thing?
I once had to write a paper on ”Assistance In Leadership” which was a basic postulate of leadership that a successful leader is one who can help groups members solve their group problems and thus achieve a common goal. The more the leader demonstrates how he/she can help the other members achieve their goals the more readily will those same members follow the leader’s suggestions and express satisfaction with their conduct. Obviously, that didn’t happen here.
Allow me to harken back (wow, who uses that term anymore “harken back?) to a time when I was in Catholic high school and read Mark Twain’s capitalist novel A Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur’s Court. For those of you who didn’t and I’m sure that applies to most of you, enraged by the oppression he witnesses in medieval Britain, our American hero builds himself a machine gun and some high explosives, lures his hoity-toity enemy into a field, and kills the fucking lot of them. Which – for anybody who loves freedom, justice and democracy – is obviously a good thing. Right?
So anyway, Tom survives the machine-gunning (oh what a surprise) and persuades the emperor to incorporate the aristocratic Bushido code into the new Japan thus essentially creating a uniquely Japanese version of modern day Donald Trump fascism and this is presented as a good thing..? At which point I’m like – er, hello? Does the Rape Of Nanking ring any bells? The Bataan death march? The Burma Railway? Anybody involved in the making of this piece of shit movie ever heard of place called PEARL HARBOR!?
OK, excuse me, I’m getting way off base here. I bought this strain of weed months ago in time for Chrissiemissie so I have no idea what it is. Strange, it has given me a mental exercise has helped bring things such as zombies into a sharp focus. I’m not kidding when I say the zombies in the remake of Dawn Of The Dead are obviously a metaphor for the working classes or possibly Muslims. Now I’m not saying that if the proletariats invaded the suburbs en-masse and just started eating you and your family then this would be a good thing but it would be pretty damn exciting.
Basically people, most movies can be divided into two categories – punk rock cool and boring, reactionary, right wing hippie dreck*. The way you can tell them apart is that in the punk rock movies the posh folks all get killed. I hope this all has been of some use.
* Except, of course, for the 98% of movies that don’t.
So being sick of the bitter cold I spent most of the day being baked and watching the re-make of Dawn Of The Dead. A bit if a departure from previous zombie films (which are getting stale) where the zombies sprint like cheetahs, chasing you down the road until you fall over from exhaustion. Then they tear you from limb-to-bloody-limb and eat you, leaving just enough so that you thrash in agony for a bit, die, and eventually wake up as a zombie yourself.
Now in the old Dawn Of The Dead the slow moving zombies were obviously a metaphor for the vast, unthinking consumer hordes (a point rammed home by the fact that the action took place in a shopping mall). Which means, I think (and I am seldom wrong about these matters) that the new Dawn Of The Dead has turned this critique on its head. It is in fact saying that it’s the unwashed majority who are super-cool. And it’s the self-appointed elite – the All Tomorrow’s Arty-Farty Party snobs – who are the true burden in modern societal terms.
Or maybe not. I’m confused. I’m also high so I have the god damn right to be confused. Once they legalize weed in Aussie Land definitely rent this this film. The first ten minutes (and the closing credits) are the dog’s balls. Much in the vein of all Hollywood zombie flicks, this too starts conventionally enough – blonde woman escapes from house chased by undead former capitalist husband etc. but once our heroine is out and about in white-picket-fenced of American suburbia, things take a turn for the sphincter-tighteningly hilarious. There’s another capitalist in a dressing gown, absolutely shitting his Calvins, is trying to pop zombies with a low caliber pistol when – WHAM – he’s pancaked by a panic stricken pig driven crazily zigzagging cop car.
This taking place in America and all of course there are gunshots, billowing smoke, unprecedented and even more unnecessary explosions. What is the most interesting are the American capitalists here middle class white stereotypes sprinting about all over the place like fucking maniacs on head-exploding horror-drugs. Some of them are screaming in sheer pissing terror while others are bellowing with zomboid blood lust and there’s no way to tell good from bad, zombie from normo, stiff from freako even if not being baked until – WHAMMO – one of the undead is in your face and biting your god damn eyeball off.
On a deeper and more social psychological level this destruction of white, middle class, suburbia is both exhilarating and terrifying. Because it’s wanton death and destruction in this place and on this scale that you’ve dreamt about all your life, isn’t it, you crazy little rock’n’roll Aussie you? Huh! Damn straight! That’ll teach mummy not to pay for your piano lessons.
CHOMP.
Right. Where was? Oh yeah. This was the first movie I’ve seen for some time that hasn’t made me scream at the scream in rage and frustration or something. And don’t even get me started on all these retarded 50-somethings who refuse to shut up about the new Star Wars. Take Lord Of The Rings. What a pile of fascist/capitalistic overkill. You’ve got these working class accented Orcs who are an obviously a superior species to the folksy short-monkey hobbits - who have not only developed industry but have also perfected the technology of cloning and thus made obsolete the pain and suffering of
childbirth but, get this, these are the bad guys! No, the “goodies” are – wait for it – the good old feudal aristocracy. Rah, rah, rah – we’re going to bash the Orcs! (I’m am not at all surprised by this. Tolkien, of course, was public school educated where yours truly was Catholic school educated so – Orcs/Oiks – coincidence? I don’t fucking think so). Basically Lord Of The Rings is like Star Wars, Morrissey and Taylor Swift wearing a gaudy Burberry baseball cap.
I mean, I try really hard not to despise my fellow human beings. Because, you know, everybody is beautiful. In their own way. Which reminds to the time when I could have been baked (or not) watching the local news and they had on this guy who stood in line for 4 days to see Lord Of The Rings part 3. “I’ve watched both parts 1 and 2 every day for the past 2 months!” he jabbered, with the drool flecking his neat little nonce- beard. Ser-MASH! Tinkle! That’s my boot going straight through the TV screen.
People, I have sat through parts 1,2, and 3. That’s 11 hours of most mind-numbing-aching hippie fest wank ever constructed. For those of you who haven’t seen it, here’s what happens:
These short well, whatever they are call themselves Hobbits get hold of a ring. Tripe enough, right? Hold on, there’s more because there is always more: These short, smelly hippie Hobbits are deputized in some capitalist way to take the ring back to the volcano where it was made or this giant evil eyeball will rule the world – forever! So they do. Only it takes them over 11 god damn hours. ‘The Greatest Story Ever Told’ was only 2 hours long, for fuck’s sake…and that had the entire history of the world in it.
By far, the worst element about Lord Of The Rings is the 7-11-slurping Big Bang Theory-like twats you have to watch it with. Be warned, these films are the most powerful geek-magnets every made. Every friendless, finger-sniffing, bus-spotting, Dungeons &Dragons playing ming-mong in Christendom will be sat behind you, reeking of urine and giggling hysterically every time Zanon, son of Poobah tries his best to masutbate on Liv Tyler.
I swear, when Liv and Urgo, son of Brabgar finally got it together at the end, you could actually hear whole rows of these over 30 still living with their mother sad bastards coming for the first time in their miserable lives. Split! Splat! Splot! I mean an usher actually had to climb on stage with a Wet-Wipe to get all the reeking pus and geek baby-batter off the screen.
Even with the ring destroyed, the Orcs mashed, the giant eye poked out and Liv over sexualized that wasn’t the end. Oh no. It dragged on for ages. With scene after scene of these filthy Hobbits cunts being bored because their exciting adventure had ended. Yes! I fucking KNOW! So end the god damn film, OK!? Even a late night lame-O Kung Fu movie doesn’t end with 20 minutes of Bruce Lee watching TV and picking his nose and generally having a bit of a moan about how bored he is now that he’s kicked all the bad guys to death, does it? Your James Bond movie doesn’t finish with half an hour of 007 wondering whether to clip coupons out of the morning paper or save them for later because he’s got zero to do now that he’s saved the world, does it?
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/02/79/60/027960f5b74edd764a7e7522f1e13e3e.jpg
Steven Tyler - with boobs
The bottom line is that Lord Of The Rings is the worst series of films made since the new Star Wars. That’s just my opinion. You might think differently. You might think The Lord Of The Fucking Rings trilogy is the most exciting, significant and profound human cultural statement ever made. Well, no wonder you spend your time posting on a forum.
Then there was Tom Cruise in Last Samurai. What a load of reactionary pseudo-intellectism. The plot, such as it was, centers around Tom going native with a bunch of bloodthirsty feudal aristocrats who are resisting the Emperor’s attempts to change Japan into a modern industrial democracy. So Tom leads these tool sacks and d-bags into a suicidal charge against machine guns. Of course they get the living shit shot out of them and this is presented as a bad thing?
I once had to write a paper on ”Assistance In Leadership” which was a basic postulate of leadership that a successful leader is one who can help groups members solve their group problems and thus achieve a common goal. The more the leader demonstrates how he/she can help the other members achieve their goals the more readily will those same members follow the leader’s suggestions and express satisfaction with their conduct. Obviously, that didn’t happen here.
Allow me to harken back (wow, who uses that term anymore “harken back?) to a time when I was in Catholic high school and read Mark Twain’s capitalist novel A Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur’s Court. For those of you who didn’t and I’m sure that applies to most of you, enraged by the oppression he witnesses in medieval Britain, our American hero builds himself a machine gun and some high explosives, lures his hoity-toity enemy into a field, and kills the fucking lot of them. Which – for anybody who loves freedom, justice and democracy – is obviously a good thing. Right?
So anyway, Tom survives the machine-gunning (oh what a surprise) and persuades the emperor to incorporate the aristocratic Bushido code into the new Japan thus essentially creating a uniquely Japanese version of modern day Donald Trump fascism and this is presented as a good thing..? At which point I’m like – er, hello? Does the Rape Of Nanking ring any bells? The Bataan death march? The Burma Railway? Anybody involved in the making of this piece of shit movie ever heard of place called PEARL HARBOR!?
OK, excuse me, I’m getting way off base here. I bought this strain of weed months ago in time for Chrissiemissie so I have no idea what it is. Strange, it has given me a mental exercise has helped bring things such as zombies into a sharp focus. I’m not kidding when I say the zombies in the remake of Dawn Of The Dead are obviously a metaphor for the working classes or possibly Muslims. Now I’m not saying that if the proletariats invaded the suburbs en-masse and just started eating you and your family then this would be a good thing but it would be pretty damn exciting.
Basically people, most movies can be divided into two categories – punk rock cool and boring, reactionary, right wing hippie dreck*. The way you can tell them apart is that in the punk rock movies the posh folks all get killed. I hope this all has been of some use.
* Except, of course, for the 98% of movies that don’t.