Ally_Kat
07-07-2004, 01:13 AM
This guy is classic and I love him. For y'all who don't know him, he's a comedian and a pretty damn good one at that, too. He's on Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn often.
THE 4TH OF JULY
Independence Day is always a bit of a bust for me (unless, of course, I watch the movie; that Will Smith keeps me in stitches!). The problem I have with it is that the main attraction for everyone is the fireworks display. I do, and have historically, despise fireworks. There is nothing that makes me hate people more than to see these fucking lemmings hiking along with their lawn chairs and fat, anxious children. The mom always has a bag with snacks in it while the little tots giggle under their baseball caps. I like when I see the youngsters carrying a flag because I know there’s at least a chance they will trip on a curb in all their glee and lose an eye. Everyone gets all settled in to whatever area of town they’ve designated as the fireworks display area. Here in NYC it’s the East River so they close the FDR drive and consequently cause a traffic nightmare. When I am in bumper to bumper traffic because a bunch of fuckos want to look at pretty colors in the sky it makes me want to pick up a hatchet and begin swinging it at their midsections. How wonderful it would be to hear the dull thud of the blade smashing into their stomachs and to watch hot dog chunks and baked beans leak out of their wounds. And you’re correct to assume that every time the news reports someone’s hand being mutilated or blown off by an M80, I am giggling like a school girl. I would have no objection to fireworks and wish no loss of limbs if people’s enjoyment of them didn’t put me out. That may sound selfish but tough turkey.
I do, however, like the display of patriotism you see on the 4th of July. I simply like it because it’s become so fucking pseudo-hip to be anti-American. Cocksucking bores with little John Lennon glasses using the word ‘imperialism’ every second sentence because some faggoty professor spit it out once during a lecture. You can always tell when someone is quoting what they’ve heard on the news when they start using words like ‘deposed’ to describe Saddam’s removal or ‘unilaterally’ when describing the US going in without the consent of the United Nations. I am 35 and never heard anyone using those words and now all of a sudden everyone’s a Harvard educated foreign policy expert. Fucking dopes. Whether you’re for or against the war is irrelevant to me, either opinion is valid. I am simply talking about the pervasive idea that we are always wrong and always the bad guy lately. And fucking Europe should shut their uncircumcised mouths. Ever since the Soviet Union fell these shit bags have been getting snippy. The United States wasn’t this awful ‘unilateral, imperialistic’ monstrosity who ‘deposes’ dictators when we were keeping Russia from kicking their fucking faces in were we? Now all of a sudden France wants to be considered a force to be dealt with, so they try to rally this stupid European Union to counter balance the U.S. (and I am not saying that the United States shouldn’t be counter balanced; I’d just rather see it done by China or some other country that had balls before Russia fell apart). And I am not saying that if you’re against the war in Iraq you’re anti-American. I am just talking about a certain sense of patriotism that you don’t see very often and the reason you don’t see it is because it’s perceived as square. I like the way the media handled Reagan’s death. Maybe it was a bit over the top and flowery but fuck it, he was loved and now he’s dead. It’s rare to see that from the media of today and as long as it doesn’t cause them to report anything inaccurately, I’d like to see more of it every now and again.
http://jimnorton.blogspot.com/
THE 4TH OF JULY
Independence Day is always a bit of a bust for me (unless, of course, I watch the movie; that Will Smith keeps me in stitches!). The problem I have with it is that the main attraction for everyone is the fireworks display. I do, and have historically, despise fireworks. There is nothing that makes me hate people more than to see these fucking lemmings hiking along with their lawn chairs and fat, anxious children. The mom always has a bag with snacks in it while the little tots giggle under their baseball caps. I like when I see the youngsters carrying a flag because I know there’s at least a chance they will trip on a curb in all their glee and lose an eye. Everyone gets all settled in to whatever area of town they’ve designated as the fireworks display area. Here in NYC it’s the East River so they close the FDR drive and consequently cause a traffic nightmare. When I am in bumper to bumper traffic because a bunch of fuckos want to look at pretty colors in the sky it makes me want to pick up a hatchet and begin swinging it at their midsections. How wonderful it would be to hear the dull thud of the blade smashing into their stomachs and to watch hot dog chunks and baked beans leak out of their wounds. And you’re correct to assume that every time the news reports someone’s hand being mutilated or blown off by an M80, I am giggling like a school girl. I would have no objection to fireworks and wish no loss of limbs if people’s enjoyment of them didn’t put me out. That may sound selfish but tough turkey.
I do, however, like the display of patriotism you see on the 4th of July. I simply like it because it’s become so fucking pseudo-hip to be anti-American. Cocksucking bores with little John Lennon glasses using the word ‘imperialism’ every second sentence because some faggoty professor spit it out once during a lecture. You can always tell when someone is quoting what they’ve heard on the news when they start using words like ‘deposed’ to describe Saddam’s removal or ‘unilaterally’ when describing the US going in without the consent of the United Nations. I am 35 and never heard anyone using those words and now all of a sudden everyone’s a Harvard educated foreign policy expert. Fucking dopes. Whether you’re for or against the war is irrelevant to me, either opinion is valid. I am simply talking about the pervasive idea that we are always wrong and always the bad guy lately. And fucking Europe should shut their uncircumcised mouths. Ever since the Soviet Union fell these shit bags have been getting snippy. The United States wasn’t this awful ‘unilateral, imperialistic’ monstrosity who ‘deposes’ dictators when we were keeping Russia from kicking their fucking faces in were we? Now all of a sudden France wants to be considered a force to be dealt with, so they try to rally this stupid European Union to counter balance the U.S. (and I am not saying that the United States shouldn’t be counter balanced; I’d just rather see it done by China or some other country that had balls before Russia fell apart). And I am not saying that if you’re against the war in Iraq you’re anti-American. I am just talking about a certain sense of patriotism that you don’t see very often and the reason you don’t see it is because it’s perceived as square. I like the way the media handled Reagan’s death. Maybe it was a bit over the top and flowery but fuck it, he was loved and now he’s dead. It’s rare to see that from the media of today and as long as it doesn’t cause them to report anything inaccurately, I’d like to see more of it every now and again.
http://jimnorton.blogspot.com/