The Val Speaks Thread

[Bill Lumbergh]

"Ya know back in the early eighties, I would sometimes stick my finger in my pussy just to get a whiff........I mean, feminine hygiene products werent as effective back then....."

[Bill Lumbergh]

"Did I get pissed when Gary Cherone turned me down for sex?! Look, I've had everyone in this band........so of course it stung a bit. I know he and Mikey used to have little "swordfights" (and I stress the word "little"), backstage. So then jealousy came into play for me, which sent me into a downward spiral which led to the divorce. Or was it because Ed's only half a man, and he couldnt get it up to save his fucking life? Oh, well water under the bridge........."

[Bill Lumbergh]

Hey if Katydids threads werent moved to the dump, why should Val's? :D

[Bill Lumbergh]

"My first threesome came on the set of "One Day At A Time".....thankfully Schneider the handyman was very gentle, with his plunger and Hitler stache......and the dykey bitch who played my mom was quite the little clam licker........so yeah, that was my first threesome and lesbian experience.........though my first orgasm would come a few years later with David Lee Roth."

[Bill Lumbergh]

"Yes the rumors are true, I did write the lyrics to Finish What YA Started.........it was about Ed's whiskey dick. Though throwing up in my cunt every now and then wasnt too bad."

[Bill Lumbergh]

"RIGHT NOW...........I'm sitting on a back massager on full vibrate watching a clip from the Boston Pops performance."

[JCOOK]

Funny Shit Lumbergh

[Bob_R]

I wonder who she's fucking now? What guy is ramming his sausage into her snatch?

[Bill Lumbergh]

Originally posted by EVH FANATIC
I wonder who she's fucking now? What guy is ramming his sausage into her snatch?

LMFAO...........I'm sure she's sampling a bit of everyone.

[Bill Lumbergh]

I wonder if Val digs anal.........:confused:

[Bill Lumbergh]

"You know, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have not been famous, and really fallen in love............I mean, I married a rock star at such a young age.........Don't get me wrong I cared about Ed, but I was never REALLY in love with him........I just wish I knew what it would have been like to have found that soulmate.........Aw fuck love, the millions I drained from that drunk are much better companions"

[chefcraig]

Bill...hope you don't mind if I take a "crack" at this!

"My first (and last) experience performing oral sex on another woman left me thrilled, shaken and traumatized.
Early in my career, I was featured in a primetime sitcom for the CBS television network.

One of my fellow actresses was a slightly older girl named Mackenzie Phillips (or Mac, as everyone from our fellow actors to the dark skinned men clipping the hedges in the CBS lot referred to her...my, she was popular). I believe her father invented the lightbulb.

On a particular day she asked me if I'd like to meet her after taping for some Boones Farm AppleBerry wine, and did I enjoy 69's?

I lept at the chance! My brothers had just finished restoring a 1969 Ford Mustang, so you can imagine my delight. We entered the CBS parking lot and I was truly dissappointed to find that her '69 was actually a '67 Volkswagon Bus, which apparently belonged to her parents as it had Mommas and Papa's written all over it.

We climbed in through the broken driver's side window. She offered me the wine, which surprisingly tasted of neither apples nor berries, yet more like my dad's aftershave but not as sweet. She then produced a large pink cigar, which she began licking but did not light.

As it was very hot in the bus, she suggested we take our clothes off, and she then instructed me to lay on my back. She then straddled me with her immense thighs, pinning my hair to the floor of the bus with her unshaven legs.

She said something like "Flick bee, you bittle nunt" (I'm not quite sure, as her voice was somewhat muffled and I could not hear too well with her knees covering my ears).

Suddenly I felt what I believed to be a tongue or a washcloth between my legs. Stars filled my eyes, so I felt it was my duty to return the favor. Having no washcloth of my own handy, I placed my hands around her enormous and pitted buttocks and stuck out my tongue, placing it directly between her legs.

I was immediately amazed to find the aroma of my mother's tuna caserole (before it was baked) confronting my nostrils. Feeling suddenly nostalgic, I plunged my tongue in even further. "Oh, to be home again" I cheerfully thought.

This was quickly dispelled by a sudden rumble, much like some of the minor earthquakes we'd get in California. A frightening blast of hot air not unlike that of a blow-drier blew towards my face, along with a sound similiar to a whoopie cushion played through one of my ex-husband's amplifiers stinging my ears.

The worst thing was the sudden whoosh of odor, much like that of the bean burrittos sold on the lunch wagon that visited the set each day at eleven in the morning, along with a strange, decaying smell almost toxic in nature, which brought tears to my eyes and a sudden dampness on my forehead.

I tried to alert Mac, only to be met with the sound of her snorring and to feel her drooling between my legs.

"Now this is a fine how do you do" I thought to myself. I finally succeeded in freeing my self from Mac's legs, got dressed and exited through the passenger side door, which luckily for me was missing.

Also fortunate for me, Pat, the kind of swarthy looking fellow who played Snyder on the show, was driving by in his Corvair. He offered me a ride home if I would blow his horn, to which I thankfully agreed.
I must have misunderstood where the horn was on this type of automobile, as he shoved my head between his legs.

Ah, memories. Yet to this day, I feel very uneasy around tuna casseroles, lunch trucks, cheap wine and methane."

[Sarge]

Originally posted by Bill Lumbergh
"My first threesome came on the set of "One Day At A Time".....thankfully Schneider the handyman was very gentle, with his plunger and Hitler stache......and the dykey bitch who played my mom was quite the little clam licker........so yeah, that was my first threesome and lesbian experience.........though my first orgasm would come a few years later with David Lee Roth."


Schneider! Lol

[Katydid]

Originally posted by Bill Lumbergh
Hey if Katydids threads werent moved to the dump, why should Val's? :D

Bill, I loved Val in TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL. I hated to see that show go off the air.

I'd sit and cry and watch it. (Until it was all reruns).

[LoungeMachine]

Originally posted by Katydid
Bill, I loved Val in TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL. I hated to see that show go off the air.

I'd sit and cry and watch it. (Until it was all reruns).

THAT does it.

For YEARS I thought the worst possible wretch inducing sight was that of ANY VB made for TV movie

But the mere thought of katy blubbering on her 30 year old sofa with her 8 cats in the double wide watching TOUCHED BY A GOD DAMN ANGEL takes the fucking cake

Poke out my eyes please

[Katydid]

You get out of here Teddy Boy. I don't own a cat...I never have time to laze around on my couch. But I do have a kick back chair.

You are getting bad as the little man with the hammer following me around.

[Bob_R]

I lost my virginity to a guy in a pickup truck. His nickname was the "Cherry Picker". I regretted it. I thought he loved me. All he cared about was getting stoned and getting laid.

[BigBadBrian]

Originally posted by Bill Lumbergh
I wonder if Val digs anal.........:confused:

No, she doesn't. She gives a good hummer though. :gulp:

[Bill Lumbergh]

"Contrary to popular belief, Ed was rather large in the pants. Unfortunately, that was due to the fact that Sammy always had his hand in Ed's underwear............"

[Big Troubles]

LOL Good one Bill. I always thought Valerie Bertandernie was hot! What the fuck did she see in that drunk? Oh, maybe it was his fast fingers. :D She looks like she's a good finger puppet size... ;)

[Bill Lumbergh]

"Cabo Wabo Tequila makes a GREAT lubricant.........it also helped wash the cob webs outta my snatch"

[Hummarstra]

GREAT SHIT, BILL!!!!!!!

[Bill Lumbergh]

Thought I would pull this dumbass old thread of mine up, just for the hell of it. Will be fun to watch it sink to the bottom quickly ! :D

[Nickdfresh]

Originally posted by Bill Lumbergh
Thought I would pull this dumbass old thread of mine up, just for the hell of it. Will be fun to watch it sink to the bottom quickly ! :D

Funny shit Bill!