Random Asshole: John James Audubon
Yes, that John James Audubon of the Audubon Society
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Some Wiki-Niki:
John James Audubon was born in New Orleans May 4, 17-something (who cares?). He bought a farm in New York on Jan 27, 18-something. A "noted" American ornithologist of Frog decent and chiefly celebrated for drawings of birds in between his heavy masturbation sessions, Audubon was educated in France where he was a pupil of David. On the way back to the U.S.A. he failed as a business man in New York and his native New Orleans.
In between masturbating and being a socialistic failure, Audubon decided to devote his life to his favorite study in which he made long excursions on foot throughout America looking at god damn birds. In fact, his first book 'Birds of America' was published in 1827-ish and sold for a whoppin' $1,000. Somewhere in 1931 to about 1840 Audubon published 'Ornithological Biography' a 5 volume set, His follow up 'Quadrupeds of America' was just as droll and retarded*
Here is what some educated douchenozzle had to say on the subject of Audubon:
"I cannot help thinking Mr. Audubon is a serious asshole. I mean, why did he make you believe that he was a man of property? How is it his circumstances have altered so dramatically? In truth I do not believe you fit to deal with the world or at least the American world."
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That man was John Keats in a letter he wrote to George Keats (The Poetical Works and other writings of John Keats, ed. Froman vol. IV. p. 5)
Keats was right. Audubon is an asshole. Why? 5:30 in the morning I go out for my daily jog along the Plate River. Not much different from all the other times I jog along the Platte River but today was different. Today "members" of Audubon legacy otherwise known as "The Audubon Society" were out there, too. I know what you're thinking, cretins. "Audubon Society members out at 5:30 AM? Were they stoned like you, Kristy?" The answer is a resounding "could be" but they were out there to look for ducks - particularity ducks along the river who are fucking other ducks in a massive muck fuck duck orgies of luck all bang for the buck mating season ritual. Apparently, ducks get horny in winter and this somehow piques the interests of bird watches who have no life whatsofuckingever. Sick pervert freaks.
Anyhoo, they told me that I "could not jog" along a particular portion of the river because it might "disturb the mating ritual" or dirty duck fucking or something. Of course, I screamed "ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!" and went home and immediately called every right-wing talk show host claiming how these liberal "duck fuckers" are taking away my rights to be an asshole like they are.
This is not the America I know. First they come for our guns, then our water filters, our incandescent light bulbs, and now our jogging rights! This is political fascism brought on by Obama supporters who also just happen to be black:
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Mallard 'Mercia is not the 'Merica I know
When are we going to rise up and take back our jogging trails? I ask YOU, America.
*Also see Audubon's America: The Narratives And Experiences of John James Audubon ed. Donald C. Peattie, 1940 for all you fancy buk lurnin cretins.
