We've been mocked...
http://www.theonion.com/horoscopes/index.php?issue=4106
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and
A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Your one-inch punch may be powerful, but it will prove to be no match for your adversary's 750-foot punch.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You will go against everything you believe in this week when you eat a steak less than an inch thick, drink a domestic Riesling, and hire a valet born outside of the British Isles.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Travel hinders your creativity when, for days after your flight, all your pottery designs refer to things you read in US Airways' in-flight magazine.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
There's nothing you love more than freshly baked bread, which makes you the most inhuman, boring person alive.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Many polar expeditions end in tragedy, but yours will conclude with the death of all hands before you even leave Kansas City.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Many years from now, you'll be the only living person who remembers David Lee Roth, which should not instill you with a great sense of responsibility to history.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You're fond of saying that there's more that unites people than divides them, a sentiment that is proven true when the Nepalese band together to destroy you.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You're not fat, but your lack of motivation means that most anecdotes about you end with the phrase "around the house."
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you'll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.
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