Joke thread

[MAX]

Originally posted by diamondsgirl
was it good for you?

Oh, it's getting there.......

Batter's Up!!!!!!

[sambo]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, John started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied,

"Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

[sambo]

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife "What the hell happened?".

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Well piss on him," answered the husband.

"Actually you did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said the husband.

"I did, and now you go back to work in the morning."

[sambo]

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,
"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house."

Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account & all the credit cards."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 100 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

[diamondsgirl]

Seeing as he was the master of jokes...

I get no respect ...

- A tribute to Rodney . (RIP)

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"

"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."

"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."

"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'"

"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."

"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."

"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names — hers and her mother's."

"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."

"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."
.
.
.

The guy cracked me up

[diamondsgirl]

A young man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only
a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? You're weenie is out in
the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa! What are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last
week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea.."

[lms2]

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?'

The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.'

The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.'

The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.'

[sambo]

More Rodney Dangerfield - RIP

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. My girlfriend always wants to talk to me during sex. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

3. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy: "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said: "Because you came home early."

4. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

5. I was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

6. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

7. I was an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend.

8. I'm so ugly ... my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

9. When I was born the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father: "I'm sorry. We did everything we could but he pulled through."

10. I'm so ugly ... my mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.

11. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

12. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said: "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said: "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

13. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

14. I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

15. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

16. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

17. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him: "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

18. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

19. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

20. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap - he was in the electric chair.

21. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!

[fe_lung]

Two blondes are out stargazing when the first one asks "Which do you think is farther - the moon or florida?"
"Duh!" says the other "you can't even SEE florida from here!"

[sambo]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

"Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it 's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky"

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc.

In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

"Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take care, Ricky"

[sambo]

My missus used to complain about mowing the lawn in the summer heat, so I bought her a Ride-On mower..

[diamondsgirl]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."


"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[sambo]

Here's a joke..

[diamondsgirl]

DICTIONARY
FOR WOMEN'S
PERSONAL ADS:



40-ish..........................................49
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking..................................Ugly
Beautiful.........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist.........................................F at
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun..........................................Annoy ing
New-Age.................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned...............................No B.J.'s
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Professional...................................Bit ch
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large frame................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?


MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[sambo]

A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "this is the pig I've been shagging".

His wife said "that's not a pig it's a duck!"

Man says "I was talking to the duck!"