Joke thread

[Bob_R]

During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, "The Bible covers everything. I challenge anyone to name a subject I can't find in the Good Book."

A woman in a back pew raised her hand and asks, "What about PMS?"
Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the Bible before exclaiming, "Oh here it is: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.'"

[Bob_R]

Don't Laugh

Bob went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're
going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over 20
years, I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Bobby said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the
doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later, he was able to
struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a
doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to
be the problem?"
"It's swollen."

[secrets]

A man goes into a Chinese restaurant. He orders rice and chicken. When the meal arrives he notices some lice on the table and comments to the waiter. "This is lice".
The waiter smiles and nods his head. "Yeah lice n'chicken." He says and walks away in a hurry.

The man ignores the lice and tries the chicken. It is tough and chewy. He calls the waiter again. "Waiter this chicken is rubbery" he says.
The waiter smiles and says "Oh fank yu vey much sir".

[Bob_R]

A Retiree's Story

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for
Social
Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my
wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me"
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your
pants.
You might have gotten disability too."

[Bob_R]

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the shit out of him.

[Bob_R]

That's why we have the camel, sir."

The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the irish do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

[Bob_R]

Just in case you thought the world was full of intelligent people. This
proves otherwise. This is why it is important to use common sense!

Customer service!!!

Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die......... This
is just so priceless....and so easy to see happening, customer service
being what it is....

My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and
March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had
been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report
her to the credit bureau... maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "excuse me?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her
being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets
on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: "... (stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
(After they get the fax)

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

Citibank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her... I suppose ...don't really think she will care.... "

Citibank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply. "

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address? "

Citibank: "That might help. "

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (address and plot number given. )

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery! "

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

[Ozzy Fudd]

Big Gorilla
Two gay guys were at the zoo. After seeing the
size of the schlong on the male Gorilla, one of the
men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached
into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him,
dragged him into the cage and screwed him for
six hours nonstop. When he was done, the gorilla
threw the gay man back out of the cage.
An ambulance was called and the man was taken
away to the hospital.
The next day his friend visits him in the hospital
and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he
shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't
called, he hasn't written...""

[guwapo_rocker]

Originally posted by Ozzy Fudd
Big Gorilla
Two gay guys were at the zoo. After seeing the
size of the schlong on the male Gorilla, one of the
men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached
into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him,
dragged him into the cage and screwed him for
six hours nonstop. When he was done, the gorilla
threw the gay man back out of the cage.
An ambulance was called and the man was taken
away to the hospital.
The next day his friend visits him in the hospital
and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he
shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't
called, he hasn't written...""

Kid Vegas....used again poor sheep!!

[Bob_R]

**** This is Ozzy Fudd's joke ****
**** He couldn't find this thread ****
**** Just being of assitance ****


Subject: Good old Wal Mart


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him," My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten
seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

"Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

"Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

[Davidsgrl]

Three men - a white man, a black man and a Chinese man- bet each other 1,000,000 to stay in a haunted house. So, in the middle of the first night, the Chinese man heres someone saying,"I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna eatcha". He jumps out the window screaming. The white man gets up, and he hears the same thing. He runs yelling out the door. The black man gets up and hears the same thing. He follows the voice to a closet. He slowly opens the door. He doesn't see anything, so he looks down. (Let suspence build.) He sees a little boy with his finger up his nose saying, "I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna eatcha.":p

[Davidsgrl]

There's a Chinese guy, a black guy and a white guy. The Chinese guy tells the others about a magical rock. He says that if you jump off it, you turn into whatever you shout out. The white guy jumps off and says,"Wolf!", and he promptly turns into a wolf and runs off. The Chinese guy jumps off and yells,"Eagle!", and he soars into the sky. The black guy gets up, trips, and says," Oh, shit!", and he promptly turns into a pile of shit.:p

[Davidsgrl]

Three blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

[Davidsgrl]

A blonde, a brunette and a red-head are kidnapped by terroists. The brunette is going to be shot first. So, all the men line up as their leader yells,"Ready, aim..." At the last second, the brunette screams," Tornado!". Everyone scatters, and she gets away. The red-head is next, and the leader again sounds his call. At the last possible moment, th red-head screams, "Tidal Wave!" Everyone scatters and she gets away. The blonde is last, and for the last time the leader barks out his instructions. At the last instant, she lets go a yowl consisting of one word-"FIRE".

[Davidsgrl]

It's the 75th day of school. Three boys and a new girl are missing from Mrs. Owens third grade class. The first boy comes in the teacher asks him why he is late. He says, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." The teacher automatically thinks of the hill just outside of the school. She says,"Okay. We're in the math book, page 13." The second boy comes in and gives the same excuse. The teacher again is reminded of that specific hill. She answers,"Okay. We're in the language arts book, page 69." The third boy comes in and offers the teacher the samestatement. She thinks that the boys must have been playing tag on the hill. She replies,"Okay. We're in the science book, page 666." The new girl comes in. Mrs. Owens introduces herself and asks the girl for her name. The girl promptly replies," I'm Cherry Hill."