Joke thread

[Jurak]

WTF happened here i don't know....

[Jurak]

[Jurak]

my dog....... then




my dog now...........

[Jurak]

[Jurak]

[jackassrock]

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor ?"

Make me one with everything.

[Ozzy Fudd]

i go in to the store and notice an attractive woman waving at me. She says hello. I'm taken aback because i can't place where she knows me from. So i go , "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now my mind travels back to the only time i have ever been unfaithful to my wife and say, "My God, are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?" She looks deep in my eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Come on fuckin laugh ya know ya wanna.

[studly hungwell]

How many Kieth Urbans does it take to screw in a ligt bulb?

[Northern Girl]

Learn the Hind Lick Maneuver - Save a Life !!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Terry]

My wife has always been both a bit shy and coy ever since I've known her. Particularly when it comes to sex.

We dated and lived together several years before we married. In all that time, whenever we were engaged in physical relations, she'd always refer to my penis as a "wee wee." I thought it was a girlishly cute way of referring to it, demonstrating her child-like innocence. Whenever we were getting ready to do it, she'd say "take your wee wee out" or "put your wee wee in me". Her terminology made me feel good...made me feel like I was with a girl who wasn't the town door knob (where everybody got a turn).

Eventually, the Wedding Day arrived. We said our vows. Happiest day of my life. Later that night, we went to our Honeymoon Suite to consummate our union. As we disrobed, she said "when you put your wee wee in me, it will be as man and wife for the first time."

I said to her, "Honey, we're married now. You can call it a cock, rather than calling it a wee wee."

She looked at me, laughed, then pointed down at my penis, exclaiming, "Hey, I've seen PLENTY of cocks in my day, and THAT is a fucking 'wee wee' if ever I saw one!"

[Fairwrning]

A planes is flying over the ocean and losing altitude. The captain has thrown out everything possible and its down to only passengers and crew. He decides to make an announcement asking for volunteers to jump out to try to save the lives of most. No takers. " Ok ..we will do this alphabetically..any African americans on board?"..no takers.
" How bout Black people..any Black people?"..nothing. " Colored people..any Colored people?"... still no volunteers. Little Tyrone looks up at his dad and asks " Dad, arent we all of the above?.." " No,No Son" replies the father.."today we are ******s"..

[Bob_R]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request
to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.


The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still
very much in love.


While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to
his host, 'I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names'.


The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,'
he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and

I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is...

[Take 'Em]

Peanut eating

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating
peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the
door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the
problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

[Bob_R]

Damn women drivers!

I know you will enjoy this, no matter which sex you are.

This morning on the highway I looked over to my left and there was

a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her

rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds

and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on

that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much that I dropped

my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees

against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear,

which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned

Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers,

and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

[Pennypacker]

-What's long, black, and smells like shit?

-:The Welfare line.

(haha oh man I have to stop listening to Johnny Rebel)