Joke thread

[Bob_R]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their
best to rain on your parade.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further." I know that place. "Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city!
The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So,
whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the
woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

[Bob_R]

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without a second thought.

Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.

Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign
next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the hig! hway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the
large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it
shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!



Have a Blessed Day, Stay Strong and Stay Safe.

[Bob_R]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-paned, energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work
had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what this fast talking sales guy had told me last year......that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I
haven't heard back.

Guess who won that stupid argument.

[lms]

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!"

[Bob_R]

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really
needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign
for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary
arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and
it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed but Finkelstein
brushed him off. "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge!

However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor."

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His
Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses. A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the
crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said:

"Jesus,

Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a
partnership?"


"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."


"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I
am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.


A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop...


Can you guess what it read??


Are you sure you want to know?


Here it comes...

Don't say you weren't warned......


LORD & TAYLOR

[Bob_R]

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do is stuff.
As the Amazing Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most
stage hypnotists who invite two or three people onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. It was a family heirloom and
greatly treasured.

He instructed the crowd, "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch." He swung the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch. ..."

The crowd became mesmerized as hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[Bob_R]

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an very old Jewish
man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day,
everyday, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned
to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming
to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all
the hatred to stop and I pray for our children to grow up in
safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall.

[Ozzy Fudd]

A lawyer, and dentist and a Harley man were sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office.
The lawyer finally broke the silence and said: "Me and the wife just had an anniversary. I bought her a diamond necklace and a Jaguar. If she doesn't like the necklace, at least she can drive around in the car."

"Hmm," said the dentist, "my wife and I had our anniversary last month, and I got her a mink coat and a yacht. If she doesn't like the coat, at least she can have parties on the yacht."

"Yup," says the Biker, "we have our anniversary coming up next month, and I'll be getting her a T-shirt and a dildo. If she doesn't like the shirt, she can go fuck herself."

[Ozzy Fudd]

>
> The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief
> Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino.
> After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and
> there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to
> his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.
>
> Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"
>
> Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."
>
> The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him
> mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"
>
> Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."

[Bob_R]

Marriage Made In Heaven
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into
a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at
the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter
and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and
tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the
couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and
that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a
priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

[Bob_R]

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." The dog replies. "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals." "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap."

[BIGBADZERO]

What does a hooker and a gas station have in common?

You always have to pay before you pump.

[lms]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe
nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says,
"Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it goin'?"
Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around,
faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,
"Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your
place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't
matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out
of college. I just flat-ass love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a
lawyer, too! What firm are you with"?

[lms]

Greeting Cards

You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....

(inside) i'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

When we first got together, you said you would die for me...

(inside) now that we've broken up I think its time to make good on your pomise.


As the days go buy I think about how lucky I am....

(inside) that you are not here to ruin it for me.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life....

I never believed in hell till I met you.

[Ozzy Fudd]

I finally made that big purchase i always wanted to do......


Yup i filled up both gas tanks on my cars .