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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #1
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    Joke thread

    A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"



    Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"



    The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


    Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"





    Harry: "9"





    Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"





    Harry: "36"





    And so it went with every quest ion the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."




    The teacher says to the princip! al, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.





    Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?





    Harry: "Legs"





    Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)





    Harry: "Pockets"





    Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"





    Harry: "Pants"





    Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)





    Harry: "Coconut"





    Teache r: "What goes in hard and pink then comes! out sof t and sticky?"





    Harry: "Bubblegum"





    Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)





    Harry: "Shake hands"





    Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"





    Harry: "Yup"





    Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."





    Harry: "Tent"





    Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and bit tense)





    Harry: "Wedding Ring"





    Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."





    Harry: "Nose"





    Teacher: " I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."





    Harry: "Arrow"





    Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"





    Harry: "Fire truck"





    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the sixth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
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    The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman
    for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup,
    the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grewwide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.

    "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
    She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes,
    dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in
    the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...

    And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

  3. #3
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    What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

    Nothing.. she has already been told twice!
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    it's just a joke..

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    heh heh. the physically joke complement to that one, sarge, is:


    what do all battered women have in common?

    [screaming as you pound your fist on the table:] THEY NEVER FUCKING LISTEN!!!!


    (also, just a joke...)
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    There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
    After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
    Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
    Don't you just love little old ladies?

  7. #7
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    Deer Sir,

    We wanna apply for the secritary job what we saw in the paper. WE can Type real quik wit one finggar and can sulve Solitair in 20 seconds in the Profi mode.
    WE love speaking on the telefone and because of that We do talk to my frends on it for about houers a day.

    Werere lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.
    so you can pay Us what you theenk that were am werth,

    Thank you in idvance fore yore anser.

    Yore best aplicant so farr



    BS : Because the resime is a bit short below is a picksure of us taken at oure last jobb.
    Last edited by Ozzy Fudd; 03-14-2004 at 04:04 PM.
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    Watch me fuck this up....
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    the joke

    Ok I'm sorry (Yeah Right !!!)

    Here is the joke




    My lord, I do think it is one of the best!!

    POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER
    A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
    "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
    "But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
    "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
    "Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
    She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
    Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

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    Gynaecologist Appointment

    One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

    The wife turns away, saying, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh"

    The husband, rejected, turns over.

    A few minutes later, he rolls backover and taps his wife again, saying, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"
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    A FISHY STORY

    A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.

    This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.

    We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

    The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

    The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.

    He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike.

    After a pause he adds.."Why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas
    like I asked you to do?"

    "I did", she said, "they're in your tackle box."

  11. #11
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    I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was
    about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I
    yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?" She couldn't hear me and
    she shouted back, "What?"

    I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking
    motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said, What? I repeated the
    gestures. "EYE KNEE-THE RAKE"

    My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first
    points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points
    to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell
    I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and
    asked her, "What the hell was that?"

    She replies,

    EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH

  12. #12
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    A burglar broke into a house one night. When he picked up a CD player, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
    When he heard nothing more, he clicked on his flashlight and began
    searching again for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so
    he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is
    watching you."

    Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the
    source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
    came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he asked the parrot.
    "Yep," confessed the parrot, ! ! and then squawked, "I'm trying to warn
    you."

    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"
    "Moses," replied the parrot.
    The burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid person would name a parrot
    Moses?"

    The parrot replied, "Probably the same kind of person that would name a Rotweiller Jesus."

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    There was an older woman wondering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crissssco!"

    Soon, a store clerk approached her, saying, "Madam, the Crisco is on Aisle D."

    The woman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."

    "Your husband's name is Crisco?" asked the clerk.

    "Oh, no, no! I only call him that when we're in public," she said.

    Curious, the clerk asked, "Well, what do you call him when you're at home?"

    "Lard ass," she replied.

  14. #14
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    A rich white guy in Georgia decided that he wanted to throw a party and
    invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the
    token black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the
    pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time
    drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with
    the women.

    At the height of the party, the rich white dude said, "I have a 10ft
    man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone
    who has the balls to jump in." The words were barely out of the
    rich white dude's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned
    around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
    Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds
    of shit like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and
    flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo
    Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both
    Leroy and the gator were screaming and rasing hell. Finally Leroy
    strangled the gator and let it float to the bottom like a K-mart goldfish.

    Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just
    staring at him in disbelief. Finally the rich white guy says, "Well, Leroy,
    I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it.", said Leroy.

    The rich white dude said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
    How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it.", answered Leroy.
    The white dude said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something.
    That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

    The brother said no.

    The confused rich white guy said, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

    Leroy said, "I want the name of the muthafucka who pushed me in the
    pool!"

  15. #15
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    It was Gregory the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
    carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
    arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole
    family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way
    with a tidy gift envelope.

    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

    The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
    lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
    woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
    through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
    bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
    ever experienced.

    When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
    breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
    fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him
    a cup of steaming coffee.

    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
    cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,
    "but what's the dollar for?"
    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
    your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him
    what to give you.

    He said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar!"
    "The breakfast was my idea."

  16. #16
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    New York - Year 2032

    A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops
    at a vacant lot, takes a deep breath and tells his son:

    "To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers."

    The son looks at his father and asked:

    "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"

    Father says:

    "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots
    of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approx 31 years ago,
    several Arabs destroyed the buildings."

    The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father:

    "Daddy what are Arabs?"

  17. #17
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    A man strolls into a confessional, and says to the priest, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I had sex with 7 different women last night."
    The priest pauses before answering, "Go home, squeeze the juice out of 7 lemons into a glass, and drink it all in one shot."
    The repenter says, "OK. And that will absolve my sin?"

    "No," said the holy man, "but it will wipe that motherfucking smirk off your face."
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  18. #18
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    CUSTOMER SERVICE
    This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. I
    think this guy should
    have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the
    WordPerfect
    Helpline which
    was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care
    department.
    Needless to
    say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
    suing
    the
    WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual
    dialogue
    of a former
    WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these
    conversations!)

    "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    "What sort of trouble?"
    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
    away."
    "Went away?"
    "They disappeared."
    "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
    "Nothing."
    "Nothing?"
    "It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
    "How do I tell?"
    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
    "What's a sea-prompt?"
    "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
    "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
    "What's a monitor?"
    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.Does it
    have a
    little light that tells you when it's on?"
    "I don't know."
    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
    cord
    goes into it.
    Can you see that?"
    "Yes, I think so."
    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
    the
    wall."
    "Yes, it is."
    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
    cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
    "No."
    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the!
    other
    cable."
    "Okay, here it is."
    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
    of
    your computer."
    "I can't reach."
    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
    "No."
    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
    dark."
    "Dark?"
    "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
    from the window."
    "Well, turn on the office light then."
    "I can't."
    "No? Why not?"
    "Because there's a power failure."
    "A power............a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
    now. Do
    you still have
    the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
    was
    when you
    got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
    "Really? Is it that bad?"
    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
    "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

  19. #19
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    Three men are sitting in a Sauna

    Suddenly, there is a 'beeping' sound

    One of the men presses his forearm and the beeping stops

    "That was my pager - I have a microchip embedded in my arm", he says

    A few minutes later a phone rings inside the Sauna

    The second man in the Sauna holds his hand to his ear and speaks into his wrist

    "I have a microchip in my hand that serves as a mobile phone", he proudly states

    The third man is feeling kinda down not being up on all this new technology

    He goes out of the Sauna and comes back a few minutes later with a length of toilet paper hanging down from between his ass cheeks

    "What's that?", ask the other two men

    "I'm getting a fax!", says the third man

  20. #20
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    A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
    One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

    "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
    husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

    So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

    Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend
    in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

    "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get
    dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
    Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you
    always wear a condom when you run? "

    "Nope.........just when it's raining.

  21. #21
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    In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a
    room and sees a patient acting as if he's
    driving a car.

    The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you
    doing?"

    Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving
    to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip
    and leaves the room.

    The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room
    just as he stops driving his imaginary car and
    asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
    Charlie says, "I'm exhausted! I just got into
    Chicago and I need some rest."

    "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you
    had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's
    room, and goes across the hall into Fred's
    room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed
    masturbating vigorously.

    With surprise she asks, "Fred what are you
    doing?"



    Fred replies, "I'm screwing
    Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"

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    Here is a good one..

    I'm from the I R S Sure i'll help You

  23. #23
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    Woman to pharmacist: I'd like some arsenic please.

    Pharmacist: That's dangerous stuff. What do you want it for?

    Woman: I want to use it to kill my husband.

    Pharmacist: I can't supply you with arsenic to kill your
    husband! That's totally outrageous!

    The woman then puts a photograph onto the counter. The
    photograph is of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife...

    Pharmacist: Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription.

  24. #24
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    A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
    A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your
    barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went
    on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

    He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he
    intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about
    his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so
    when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No! , no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.

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    A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly
    the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

    The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
    want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
    enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me tojustify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

    The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
    wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing is wrong' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

    The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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    All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
    trying to decide who was the one in charge.
    "I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I
    run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

    "I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I
    circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

    "I should be in charge, " said the stomach, "because I
    process food and give all of you energy."

    "I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I
    carry the body wherever it needs to go."

    "I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I
    allow the body to see where it goes."

    "I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "because I'm
    responsible for waste removal."

    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and
    insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the
    brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs
    got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

    The Moral of the story?
    The asshole is usually in charge

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    FUN REFLECTIONS ON LIFE!

    1. Never raise your hands to your kids.
    It leaves your groin unprotected.

    2. I'm not into working out.
    My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

    3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

    4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why
    Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

    5. Do you think illiterate people
    get the full affect of alphabet soup?

    6. I've always wanted to be somebody,
    but I should have been more specific.

    7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he
    gets mad at you,
    but when you take him in a car he sticks his head
    out the window?

    8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you
    is an idiot, but anyone
    going faster than you is a maniac?

    9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started
    walking five miles a day
    when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no
    idea where she is.

    10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row.
    When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
    locks, they are always locking three of them.

    11. One out of every three Americans is suffering
    from some form of mental illness. Think of two of
    your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

    12. They show you how detergent takes out
    bloodstains. I think if you've got a tee shirt with
    bloodstains all over it, maybe your
    laundry isn't your biggest problem.

    13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their
    walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I
    think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the walls.

    14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed
    at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for
    that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were
    any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

    15. Future historians will be able to study at the
    Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan
    Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

  28. #28
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    There was a gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its gas sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up."

    Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

    The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

    The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7)."

    "Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time."

    Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

    The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.

    The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time."

    As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged. He doesn't give away free sex."

    The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

  29. #29
    Elitest
    Guest

  30. #30
    Elitest
    Guest
    hmmm...

  31. #31
    Elitest
    Guest
    uh huh....

  32. #32
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    Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
    Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. She made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

    The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three
    pickets to Titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled in
    panic.

    The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three
    tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
    Mortified at his own blunder, he too fled.

    The third priest moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three
    tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes."

    Confident that he had got it all correct, he continued, "And, I must
    say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly
    gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you....

  33. #33
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    An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man
    walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all
    different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

    The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the
    old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

    Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and
    had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my
    son."

  34. #34
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    She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .
    * She thought a quarterback was a refund.
    * She thought General Motors was in the army.
    * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
    * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
    * At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

    She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde..
    * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
    * She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
    * Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

    She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde..
    * She tripped over a cordless phone.
    * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
    * She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
    * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

    She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
    * She studied for a blood test.
    * She sold the car for gas money.
    * When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
    * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

    She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
    * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
    * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
    * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
    * She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

    AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

    She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

    * She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

  35. #35
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    SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART 1 (THE BEGINNING!)


    1. What is a Yankee?
    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

    2. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
    The position of the dirt bag.

    3. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
    One US leader.

    4. What do you see when the Pillsbury-Dough-Boy bends over?
    Doughnuts.

    5. Why is air a lot like sex?
    Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

    6. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
    Because Janet Reno is her real father.

  36. #36
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    SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART 2 (JUST WARMING UP!)

    1. What do you call a smart blonde?
    A golden retriever.

    2. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    45 lbs.

    3. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    45 minutes.

    4. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
    None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

    5. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    6. Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.

    7. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
    caring, and good-looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.

    8. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

    9. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
    marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
    intention of driving.

    10. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
    Who has the biggest boobs?
    The blonde, because she's 18.

    11. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
    Because they have cotton balls.

    12. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
    A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

    13. What did the blonde say when she found out she was
    pregnant?
    "Are you sure it's mine?"

    14. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
    Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

    15. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
    Mace will do that to you.

    16. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
    Everyone has the same DNA.

    17. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes.

    18. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
    He walks around saying "Yo."

    19. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
    the car only on Mondays,Wednesdays and Fridays?
    Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

  37. #37
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    SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART 3 (CRUISING NOW!)

    1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
    "Row, Row, Row Your boat"

    2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
    A different bar.

    3. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
    shorter than the other?
    A speech impediment.

    4. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is
    flying at half-mast?
    They're hiring.

    5. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
    northern zoo?
    A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
    of the cage along with.. "A recipe".

    6. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say
    the "F" word?
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell
    BINGO!

    7. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and
    a southern fairytale?
    A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
    A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

    8. My, my, how times have changed.
    Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man,
    we calle It the Ku Klux Klan.
    Today they call it the PGA TOUR

  38. #38
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    A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job.
    The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
    The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
    "Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?" The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

    "Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you,
    I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in
    about 10, and we'll get you started."

    The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me
    to come at 10?" "Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that.

  39. #39
    Is it any wonder
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    A woman came home one night and said to her husband
    "The doctor said i have the boobs and an ass of an 18 year old".
    Her husband said
    "What did he say about your 40 year old c**t?"
    She replied "He didnt mention you!"
    Hey Jackass! You need to [Register] or log in to view signatures on ROTHARMY.COM!

  40. #40
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    How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?



    Pentecostal: 10
    One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

    Presbyterians: None
    Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

    Roman Catholic: None
    Candles only.

    Baptists: At least 15.
    One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

    Episcopalians: 3
    One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

    Mormons: 5
    One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

    Unitarians: ?
    We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

    Methodists: Undetermined.

    Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

    Nazarene: 6
    One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

    Lutherans: None
    Lutherans don't believe in change.

    Amish:
    What's a light bulb?
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