Joke thread

[lms]

too true to be funny...

[Bob_R]

The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as
possible for her college class and the instructions were that it had to
Discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.

[JCOOK]

HERE IS YOUR DILEMMA-
YOU HAVE SAMMY HAGAR, A CHILD MOLESTER AND A RAPIST
YOU HAVE ONE GUN BUT ONLY TWO BULLETTS. WHAT DO YOU DO?

ANSWER: SHOOT SAMMY IN THE HEAD-TWICE!

[Katydid]

A guy from Neill Grading, Hickory, NC was feeing older, and his performance with the women had dropped drastically. So he went to the doctor who gave him a check up and told him the usual, " You are tired and run down from working on heavy equipment out in all kinds of weather. Plus the fact that you are not that far from retirement.; this perhaps makes you feel older. Men you age tend to all have a diminished sex drive."

So the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, you told me that last checkup. This check up I want some of that Viagra I've been hearing about."

Dr. gave him the Viagra and he bragged to his buds, "I'll go out this weekend and let ya know the results!" Monday rolled around and other guys had to ask, "Well... how did the Viagra work?"

"Well, I met someone at the Country Music Bar, she couldn't resist my line. We went to her place. We were so horney that we began shedding clothes at the door. Soon I was where I wanted to be, although it didn't last long. After it was over I remarked how good it was... All she could say was, "Well, it would have been better if you'd given me time to take my pantyhose off!"

[Bob_R]

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home.
One day he went into the nurses office and informed Nurse
Jones that his penis had died. She realized that he was
old and forgetful and decided to humor him, "It did?
I'm sorry to hear that",she replied. Two days later
Mr. Smith was walking down the halls of the nursing
home with his penis hanging outside of his pants.
Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith! I thought
you said your penis died!?" "It did", he replied,
"Today's the viewing!"

[Bob_R]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword
fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from some bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[Bob_R]

DOT

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion. The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington. When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in Florida.

[Bob_R]

A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T. O. T.
Knowing that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she
cautiously asked, "Can someone explain what T. O. T. means?"
Mary in the front row raised her hand to explain, "It means "To Our
Teacher."

The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than
the day before. This time there is a tag with T. O. T. W. L. written on it. She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves his hand to explain, "That means "To Our Teacher With Love".

The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on
her desk with a tag saying "F. U. C. K." Her jaw drops and she screams, "Who can explain this?" Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, That means "From Us Colored kids!"

[Bob_R]

Two prostitutes were riding around town
with a sign on top of their car which said:

"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign,
stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign
or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer,
"How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different,"
the officer smiled . . .
"Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned
as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer
in the area when he noticed the two ladies
driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest,
he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

[Bob_R]

GIVE ME A SENSE OF HUMOR, LORD


There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

[Ozzy Fudd]

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air.


She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"


The driver of a nearby car, (blonde), gave me a strange look and said.


"Why don't you just put it in park?"

[Bob_R]

THE CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

[Bob_R]

NEWLY WEDS:

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
partywith his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The
wife said "You want a beer, my love?". She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, Ireland, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long,

I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in the blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?

..."LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD***N FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER F**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE! ..... GOT IT, A$$HOLE?"

.........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet
story?

[Bob_R]

Sperm Count


An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"


The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."

[SoCalChelle]

"A female lawyer in Seattle is in trouble for having sex in jail with her client who is a murderer. How creepy is that? Sex with a lawyer . . .

- Jay Leno