Joke thread

[DrGrafenberg]

Father & son

Father & son are sitting in the living room on a Sunday afternoon
Dad is reading the Sunday papers while the young lad is busy playing with his train set.
The train goes around the track & pulls into the station
“any you fuckers wanna get on?…get on!”
“any you fuckers wanna get off?…get off!”
Says the youngster
The Father peers around his paper not quite sure that he heard him right, so he lets it go. A few minutes later the train pulls into the station again
“any you fuckers wanna get on?…get on!”
“any you fuckers wanna get off?…get off!”
Says the youngster
This time the Dad is sure he heard him correctly, he leads the lad by the ear off up to his bedroom, gives him a stern telling off & tells him “No supper for you tonight”
The Father goes back down to read his paper…
About an Hour goes by & all the time the lad has been loudly crying his eyes out
The Father begins to feel guilty so he lets the lad come back down, at which the youngster jumps straight back onto the train set.
The train pulls into the station…
“any you fuckers wanna get on?…get on!”
“any you fuckers wanna get off?..get off!”
“And if any of you fuckers wanna know why you’re an Hour late?…ask THAT cunt!”

[lms]

Lawyer And Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[Bob_R]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told
him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later,
when I was about three blocks fro m the store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting
for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the
floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which
made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got back to answer it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermom eter...and believe me mister, as God is my witness,
all I did was tell her!"

[Bob_R]

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know
you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and
frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney? "She
again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigotted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst
in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail
for contempt."

[lms]

David was in his 4th grade class when the
teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living. All the typical answers came up-fireman,
policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the
teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and
takes off his clothes in front of other men and
they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the
offer is really good, he goes home with some guy
and makes love with him for money. "

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,
hurriedly set the other children to work on some
other work while she took little David aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Democratic
National Committee to elect John Kerry, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids..."

[DrGrafenberg]

3 Van Hagar fans

Three Van Hagar fans & a DLR fan are put before a firing squad.
You all have one wish before your shot! They are told,
The first Van Hagar stands up and says “I wanna hear the whole of 5150 at full volume before I die”
The second Van Hagar stands up and says “I wanna hear the whole of OU812 at full volume before I die”
The third Van Hagar stands up and says “I wanna hear the whole of For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge at full volume before I die”
The Dave Lee Roth fan stands up and says “ I wanna be shot first”

[Northern Girl]

1

[Northern Girl]

2

[Northern Girl]

3

[Northern Girl]

4

[Northern Girl]

5

[Northern Girl]

6

[Northern Girl]

7

[Northern Girl]

8

[Northern Girl]

joke or not?