Joke thread

[Sarge's Little Helper]

Things Not To Say During Sex

Girls shouldn't say:

You woke me up for that? Do you smell something burning? Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! Got any penicillin? Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I want a baby! But everybody looks funny naked! Did I mention the video camera? So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? Did I remember to take my pill? That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance... You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Did I mention my transsexual operation? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please I think biting is romantic- don't you? When would you like to meet my parents? Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you MR. Flash! Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... -------------------------------

Guys shouldn't say:

A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? But I just brushed my teeth... I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people... That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? Now I know why he dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? You'll still vote for me, won't you? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? You can cook, too right? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Oops. I wasn't paying attention. Tell me again what is going on.

[Matt White]

Guys shouldn't say:

A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? But I just brushed my teeth... I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people... That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? Now I know why he dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? You'll still vote for me, won't you? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? You can cook, too right? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[Matt White]

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

[Jurak]

One day after a long days work a man walks into a bar. He realises that it's a gay bar, but decides to stay anyway. The bartender approaches and asks "What's the name of your penis?" The man replies, "I'm not like that, I just want a drink.” The bartender says, "I can't serve you until you give the name of your penis. For example the name of my penis is Nike, for the slogan Just Do It. I'll come back in a few minutes." So the man thinks and turns to the man on his left and asks him the name of his penis. The man replies, "It's Timex, it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." The man then turns to his right and asks him. He replies "It's Ford. Have you driven a Ford lately?" The man thinks and then calls the bartender over. "I got a name, it's Secret." "Why is it secret?" asked the bartender? The man says "It's strong enough for a man but made for a woman".

[Hardrock69]

Post a joke here?

Ok...

[Anonymous]

Do you know how to spot the EXTROVERTED mathematician? He's the one who, when he talks to you, looks at YOUR shoes!

Three mothers decided to check the contents of their teenage daughters' purses. The brunette opened her daughter's purse and found a pack of cigarettes. "Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter smokes!" The redhead went through her daughter's purse and found a flask of vodka. "Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter drinks!" The blonde opened her daughter's purse and found a condom. "Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter has a penis!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

Did you hear about the blonde co-ed who went to a campus demonstration but didn't stay because it was too crowded?

A farmer was reduced to selling peaches door to door. A one house, a gorgeous young lady answered his knock, dressed only in a sheer negligee. After he showed her the peaches and asked if she wanted to buy some, she opened one side of her negligee and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He gulped and nodded and a tear ran from his eye. Then she opened the other side of her negligee and asked, "Are they as nice and pink as this?" He nodded again as a tear ran from his other eye. She then opened the full length of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" The farmer broke down crying. She asked, "What's wrong?" Through his tears, he replied, "First, the drought got my corn, then the bank took my cattle, and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who finds such a man.

Two guys were walking through the woods when they saw a grizzly bear running toward them. One guy tore off his hiking boots and quickly pulled on a pair of sneakers from his bag. His buddy looked surprised. "You don't really think that those will make you run faster than a grizzly bear, do you?" "I don't need to run faster than the bear," his friend replied. "I just need to run faster than you!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who finds such a man.

A man lost his wife and went to the police. The policeman asked, "What are her characteristics?" "What do you mean, 'characteristics?'" The policeman said, "You know: Is her hair blonde? Her eyes blue? Her breasts big, etc.?" The man said, "That one's good! I'll take her!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

The math teacher noticed that Little Johnny was daydreaming in class again. "Johnny! What's 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny immediately answered, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

A widower and a widow each lived alone in a Florida mobile home park for several years. One evening, at a community supper in the activity center, the two sat across from each other. As the meal ended, he finally gathered up his courage and asked, "Will you marry me?" After about a second of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will!" The meal ended with a few pleasant exchanges and they went home to their respective trailers. The next morning, he was worried. Did she say "Yes" or "No?" He couldn't remember. So he telephoned her and explained that he didn't remember as well as he once did. Then he said how much he enjoyed their evening together. Finally, he asked, "When I asked you to marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted when she replied, "I said 'Yes' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she paused before adding, "I'm glad you called because for the life of me I couldn't remember who asked me!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

Object Gender: Ziploc Bags? Male, because they hold everything in and you can see right through them. Copiers? Female, because once they're turned off, they take a while to warm up again.. Hot Air Balloon? Male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it. Sponges? Female, of course: they're soft, squeezable, and retain water. Subway? Male, because every day it uses the same old lines to pick people up. Web Page? Female, because they're always getting hit on. Hammer? Male, because even though it hasn't changed in 5,000 years, it's still handy to keep around. Hourglass? Female, because over time its weight shifts to the bottom. Remote Control? Female. You might think it should be male, but just think about how much pleasure it brings a man and how he'd be lost without it!

A former soldier was telling his drinking buddies about the first time he parachuted from a plane. "When it was time for me to jump, I got to the door and froze. My drill sergeant stood behind me and whispered in my ear, 'If you don't jump right now, I'm gonna stick my cock right up your ass!'" His buddies asked in anticipation, "So? Did you jump?" He replied, "Uh, yeah. A little at first!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[larbo]

Why do ******s put mustard on their tootsie rolls? So they won't bite their finger! BWWHAAaaahhahaha!

What's black, Got four legs, and yell's HODEEDO, HODEEDO? Two ******s trying to get in my elevator!

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Originally posted by larbo
Why do I keep posting here?
Because as real shit I will stink till you bury me.

What's idiotic , got no brain, never speaks but vomits and should be thrown out of here soon?
Lousy Asswipe Racist Better Out

Hey, this is the JOKE thread here, moron. Not the JERK thread. So keep out!

[Jurak]

There's no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple
nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented
in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But
if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham ? If
the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth, beeth ?
One goose, two geese. So one
moose, two meese? One index,
two indices.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat ?
Sometimes I think all the English
speakers should be committed to
an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite
at a play and play at a recital ?
Ship by truck and send cargo by
ship ? Have noses that run and feet
that smell ? Park on driveways and
drive on parkways ?

How can a slim chance and a fat
chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites ?
How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and
quite a few are alike ? How can the
weather be hot as hell on one day
and cold as hell another ?

You have to marvel at the unique
lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form
by filling it out, and in which an
alarm clock goes off by going on.

People, not computers invented
English, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race
(which, of course, is not a race at
all).

That is why, when the stars are
out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch,
I start it, but when I wind up this
essay, I end it !

[Jurak]

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders
a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 real mean looking men sitting at a corner
table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma
and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks
him square in the eyes and says,... "Grandpa ... Go home, you're drunk"