Joke thread

[Matt White]

Two fellas from rural Minnesota walked into a pet shop in Minneapolis. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by a lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the
100-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART TWO:
Moments later, Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART THREE:
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock
and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his head.....

"First der was Sven with his budgie jumping.... den Knut
parrotshooting.... and now Lars is hengliding!"

[Matt White]

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"

A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

[Matt White]

Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Hella.

[Matt White]

What's funnier than a zombie baby?

A zombie baby in a clown suit!


I likes 'dat one!!!

HA!

[Matt White]

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm.

One drunk says to the other drunk, “Did you sleep with my wife last night?”

To which the other drunk replies, “Not a wink.”

[Matt White]

A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I resent that!"
The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck.

The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!

[Matt White]

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can''t find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can''t hear. So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.") She replies by pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast, slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. The man is confused and runs upstairs.
"What? What was that?"

"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

[Bob_R]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

The redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[Matt White]

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"

[Anonymous]

Four married guys were fishing. The first guy said, "You guys have no idea what I had to do to be here this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint our house!" The second guy said, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I'd build her a new deck." The third guy said, "You guys have it easy! I had to promise that I’d remodel our kitchen!" The fourth guy didn't say a word. Finally, one asked him, "So what did you have to do to come fishing?" He replied, "I took a different approach. I set my alarm for 5AM, and when it went off, I nudged my wife and asked, 'Fishing or sex?' and she said, "Wear your sunscreen!"

Two doctors were complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's so easily confused," said one doctor. "She does everything backwards. Why, just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours and she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours instead. He damn near died!" "That's nothing," said the second doctor. "Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours and she tried to give the poor guy 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they heard a blood-curdling scream echo down the hall. "Oh, my God!" cried the first doctor. "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Matt White]

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.


2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.


3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.


4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.


5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.


6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.


7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.


8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.


9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.


10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.


11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month.


12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.


13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls.


14. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.


15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.


16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.


17. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.


18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

[Matt White]

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"

"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.

And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"

[Matt White]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[Matt White]

This fella goes to the doctor and says"Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"

The doctor said" put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"

The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"

[Matt White]

Things Not To Say During Sex

Girls shouldn't say:

You woke me up for that? Do you smell something burning? Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! Got any penicillin? Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I want a baby! But everybody looks funny naked! Did I mention the video camera? So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? Did I remember to take my pill? That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance... You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Did I mention my transsexual operation? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please I think biting is romantic- don't you? When would you like to meet my parents? Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you MR. Flash! Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... -------------------------------