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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #1121
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    ^^^
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    Why do dogs often lick their own dick?

    Because they CAN!
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    I know a better version...

    Boudreaux and Thibodaux, while walking down street, see a dog cleaning himself...

    Boudreaux says to Thibodaux, "Mais, I wish I could do dat, yeah."

    Thibodaux replies, "dat dog will bite you, yeah!


    Or something like that...


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    I don't do innuendos, but slipping alternative names for poo into sentences is something I do do.
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    Quote Originally Posted by ELVIS View Post
    I know a better version...

    Boudreaux and Thibodaux, while walking down street, see a dog cleaning himself...

    Boudreaux says to Thibodaux, "Mais, I wish I could do dat, yeah."

    Thibodaux replies, "dat dog will bite you, yeah!


    Or something like that...


    A better version?

    Making it racist and then removing the thing that makes the joke work, the licking balls part, did not make it better - you ruined it completely.
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    Richard Pryor would've made a great president...

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    how 'bout this one ??

    Boudreaux and Thibodeaux took a trip to Scotland and walked into a pub, and after several hours of steady drinking, they witnessed a Scot who suddenly fell backwards off of the barstool and onto the floor, passed out cold, kilt over his head, and a Steel Panther backstage pass rammed up his arse. Boudreaux looks at Thib, looks up at the bartender, and remarks, "Dat's what I like about dem Scots. Dey knows when dey done had enough to drink."



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    Quote Originally Posted by Seshmeister View Post
    A better version?

    Making it racist and then removing the thing that makes the joke work, the licking balls part, did not make it better - you ruined it completely.
    Elvis is a gentleman when regaling his sexual conquests...
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  10. #1130
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    Whats the difference between a blow job and a corvette?

    Your mother didnt give me a corvette.
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    Two very uptight chicks are talking about their deep wish and pride of never ever having sex.
    One of them is obviously pregnant, so the other goes:

    Bertha: I thought you would never have sex just like I never will?

    Margaret: I've found a doctor who can help you get pregnant without having to.
    He is repellently ugly, but very efficient - just look at me...

    Bertha: Oh, really? Give me his address, I must try!

    So Bertha gets an appointment with that doctor, who is very ugly indeed.

    Doc: So, are you sure you want to have a baby?

    Bertha: Absolutely. I've always wanted to be a mother,
    but could never bear the idea of succumbing to flesh...

    Doc: I have what you need. Are you attracted to men
    anyway? Do you have any ideal of man?

    Bertha: Oh, sure! I'm fond of Brad Pitt.

    Doc: All right. Take this pill and think really hard about Brad Pitt.

    Then Bertha collapses, and the doctor rushes to abuse her like a beast:

    Doc: I'll give you some Brad Pitt, I'll give you some uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh...

  12. #1132
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    Newflash...Jokes are supposed to be funny...rape is not funny.

  13. Thanked Angel for this KICKASS post:

    katina (01-20-2014)


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    Quote Originally Posted by Angel View Post
    Newflash...Jokes are supposed to be funny...rape is not funny.
    It is not. But it can be, when imaginary in a joke, can't it?

  15. #1134
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jérôme Frenchise View Post
    It is not. But it can be, when imaginary in a joke, can't it?
    No. Never.

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    The scene takes place in a Buddhist temple.

    Disciple : Master, could you teach me the difference between a woman and a pearl?

    Master : The difference, humble little beetle, is that you can slip into a pearl at both ends, whereas you can only slip into a woman at one..

    Disciple (confuzed) : But, Master, shame on me to contradict your Himalayan wisdom, but I heard some women let themselves slip into at both ends...

    Master (slightly smiling back): Those aren't women, they're pearls.
    Last edited by Jérôme Frenchise; 04-29-2014 at 11:16 AM.

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    I stole this but it made me think of here

    This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’




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    Some of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014

    1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.

    2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.

    3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.

    4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.

    5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.

    6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.

    7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.

    8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.

    9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

  19. #1138
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    Joke thread

    #1 won

  20. #1139
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    The thing about #1 - it sucks.
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  22. Thanked Seshmeister for this KICKASS post:

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    A desperate 13-year-old girl is calling a desperate hearts radio show.

    Girl: I feel desperate. Really, really badly desperate...

    Host: What's going on sweetie?

    Girl: I'm a 13-year-old gipsy girl, and I'm still a virgin you see...

    Host: Well, I don't see anything wrong. Many 13-year-olds are still virgins you know.

    Girl: Well, I do feel damn desperate: my daddy might be gay.

  24. #1142
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    St Peter's taking in three newcomers. Women.

    The first one comes to him and he says: "Were you a sinner down on earth?"

    "Well, i wasn't a saint, but I never ever cheated on my husband."

    "All right, well done, here is a golden key. Up there, at the end of the corridor."

    The second one: "I was what could be called a semi-sinner: I was no she-devil, but I used to sin a little and..."

    "And?..."

    "... and I cheated on my husband a couple of times. I am sorry..."

    "Here's a silver key: up there past the corridor."

    The Third one: "I made the most of the most of it! I fucked and fucked again and again, with any guy I met. Couldn't help it, I'm a sex addict."

    (whispering) "Here's the key of my room. First on your left past the corridor."

  25. #1143
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    Ghey.
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  26. #1144
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    Here's my first
    Ghey.
    from you. With a joke from my in-law... Serves me right.

  27. #1145
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    A customer walks into a store and asks, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"


    The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"


    The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.


    If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?


    Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?


    Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?


    Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?


    Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"


    The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."


    The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"


    The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
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  29. #1146
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    A short one from the (sub-par IMO) movie "Will Hunting" that I saw the other day.

    From the cockpit, a pilot tells the co-pilot "Aaah. Now I'm craving for a cup of coffe and a blowjob...",
    unaware that his mike is on and the whole plane can hear him.

    In dismay, a stewardess then starts rushing to the cockpit. When she's half-way, a passenger yells "Hey! You forgot the cup of coffee!"

  30. #1147
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    Damned, that last one kicked ass, didn't?

    Here's another:

    A coarse guy tells his wife: "Mmmmh... your ass looks as wide and hot as a BBQ!"

    She doesn't reply.

    In the evening, once he slips under the sheets to stick right behind her, she says:

    "Oh hon, we aren't starting the BBQ for such a small sausage, are we?"

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