Joke thread

[MAX]

Originally posted by FasterPussycat
I love cocks too much for that!!!

What's the worst thing about being a pete?

Your best friend is a gunt.

[canadiandlrgirl]

a girl and a guy are having sex when they both say, "i'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freaking freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.
After awhile they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem can stay in bed.
They both think for awhile when the guy says, "ok, i got one. two times two is four plus five is nine, i can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine."
So she thinks for a minute and says, "two times two is four plus five is nine, i kno the length of yours but you will never kno the debth of mine.

[blonddgirl777]

How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb?
Well dhuh!.... Only one!

Although I didn't know I had to UNSCREW it (it was not written on the box)! :confused:


Ouch, that broken glass hurts!!! :eek:

[canadiandlrgirl]

what is a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

humpme dumpme.....

why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blondes been driving a car?

because she blows the horn.

[blonddgirl777]

L.M.A.O.!!!

[blonddgirl777]

Why does a blond wear panties?

... To warm up her ankles!

[canadiandlrgirl]

A 70 year old spinster decides she wants to marry so she puts an ad in the paper. The ad only has 3 requirements ; the man cannot hit her cannot run around on her andmust be great in bed. Weeks go by with no responce to the ad, finally the doorbell rings, the old lady answers the door and finds a quadriplegic man in a wheelchair she looks at him in amazement and says, "you can't be possibly be applying for my ad. you have no arms!" He replied "Therefore, I can never hit you." She concidered this and said, "But....you have no legs." Therefore, I can never run around on you." She looked at him with a lascivious gleam in her eye and asked "And are you great in bed?"He grinned up at her and said,I rang the doorbell, didn't i?":p

[blonddgirl777]

L.O.L... that's funny!

[canadiandlrgirl]

what is another name for pickled bread?

DILL DOUGH

[canadiandlrgirl]

And God Created Man......

And God Created Woman
she had two arms,two legs and three breasts

And God asked woman what she would like changed about herself
and she asked for her middle breast to be removed

And it was good

And she stood with her third breast in her hand and asked what should be done with this useless boob.....











And God created Man.....

[canadiandlrgirl]

One day in the garden of eden, Eve called out to God...."Lord, I have a problem!"

"what's the problem Eve?"

"Lord I kno you've created me and this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that halarious comedic snake, but i'm just not happy."

"Why is that Eve?"

"Lord i'm lonely and i'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, Then i have a solution for you, I will create a man for you."

"What's a man Lord?"

"The man will be a flawed creature,with aggressive tendencies, enormous ego,and inability to empathize or listen to you properly, allin all he'll give you a hard time,but he will be bigger,faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about,hunting fleet footed ruminants,and not all together bad in the sack.

"Sounds great," said Eve with an ironically raised eyebrow,"What's the catch Lord?"

"Yeah, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that Lord?"

"You will have to let him believe I made him first."

[RuzDNailz]

A guy walks into a bar and says 'b-b-b-bar-bartender, can I-I-I-I have a b-b-b-beer?'
Bartender looks at him and says 'geez, that's some stutter you got there, pal!'
The guy says 'w-w-w-well no sh-sh-sh-shit!'
Bartender says 'Ya know I used to stutter just like you until one
night I had my wife give me 3 blow jobs and I fucked her twice and
ever since then I haven't stuttered once! Try it, pal!'
Guy smiles and says 'Oh, th-th-th-thank y-y-y-you!' The next night
the stutter guy comes back into the bar and asks the bartender 'c-c-c-c-c-ould I h-h-h-h-have a b-b-b-beer?' The bartender slaps his forehead and says to the guy 'Oh, come on man! Why didn't you try
what I told you!?'
The guy told the bartender 'l-l-l-listen I t-t-t-tried to d-d-do what you s-s-said but it-t-t-t didn't work b-b-b-ut I must say that you have a
very nice apartment and wife!'

[RuzDNailz]

Two guys are at the bar getting completely hammered until one drunk
takes an empty bottle and starts pissing in it. The other guy looks at him and asks 'what er' you doin' *burp!*' The other drunk replies 'this shit is SO good, I'll drink it again!'

[Ozzy Fudd]

> Dear Employees:
>
> It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
> throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
> normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from
> some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be
> no longer been tolerated. We do however; realize the critical importance
> of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
> co-workers.
>
> Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
> proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
> manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
>
> TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
> INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
>
> TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
> INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
>
> TRY SAYING: Really?
> INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
>
> TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
> INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
>
> TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
> INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
>
> TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
> INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
>
> TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
> INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
>
> TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
> INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?
>
> TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
> INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
>
> TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
> INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
>
> TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
> INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
>
> TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
> INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
>
> TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
> INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
>
> TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
> INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
>
> TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
> INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?
>
> TRY SAYING: I see.
> INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
>
> TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
> INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
>
> Thank You,
> Human Resources

[canadiandlrgirl]

[superdave]

.

[superdave]

the picture I submitted was a picture that was just taken of baaaad bobby

[Ozzy Fudd]

I had to mass mail that one 5 Stars to you great work

[superdave]

Thanks dude

[superdave]

Right back at ya

[Bob_R]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother
told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came
out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

[SoldMySoul4RnR]

What's black, blue & hates sex?

A RAPE VICTIM!

[canadiandlrgirl]

ORGASM TYPES


sex in a boat-oargasms
sex with a nerd-dorkgasms
sex at the entrance of your house-doorgasms
sex on the carpet-floorgasms
sex at the supermarket-storegasms
sex at a stephen king movie-horrorgasms
sex with a prostitute-whoregasms
sex while sleeping-snorgasms
sex while broke-poorgasms
sex for hour and hours on end-soregasms
sex with a nymphomaniac-ready for moregasms
sex on the beach-shoregasms
sex that isn't very satisfying-there's the doorgasms
sex durring an earthquake-tremorgasms

[canadiandlrgirl]

what do you say to a virgin when she sneezes

goes-in-tight

[thome]

scandalous .absolutely scandalous

[thome]

So i call down to the front desk of the hotel
I say " I GOTTA LEAK IN MY SINK"
Guy answers back go ahead the customers always right. Ha Ha

[RuzDNailz]

An unattractive lady come home after another date gone wrong
and goes into her room. She comes out 15 minutes later carrying
a vibrator and shakes her head and sighs deeply. Her father walks
up to her and says 'pumpkin, what on earth are you doing?'. Daughter says 'You know dad, I have had enough of men. I can never find the right
man if I tried. Seems like all I get is rejection and misery. This is what
I am pretty much married to'. 'No, pumpkin you are going about things the wrong way. That thing in your hand is just wrong'.
She insists, 'dad, this is pretty much the only husband I am going to
get...so if you please excuse me'.

The next night the daughter comes home from work tired and looks
all over the house for her father. 'dad? dad! where are you!?'. She
goes downstairs to the bar and finds her father with two glasses half
filled with some whiskey and the one has the dildo inside of it. She looks at the scene with disbelief and yells out 'dad! What on earth are you doing!?' The father turns around and replies 'well, what does it look like? I am having a drink with my son-in-law'.

[Bob_R]

Subject: The Italian Tomato Garden



An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his

tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.His only

son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a

letter to his son and described his predicament :

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my

tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a

garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you

would dig the plot for me. Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the

BODIES! Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning,FBI agents and local police arrived and dug

up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the

old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from

his son:

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best

I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie God Bless

[Bob_R]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

[Bob_R]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

[Bob_R]

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

[Bob_R]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[Bob_R]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

[Bob_R]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

[Bob_R]

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

[Bob_R]

Moe and Joe were taking one day


Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

[Bob_R]

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards."

[LoungeMachine]

How many Guitar Players does it take to change a Light bulb?




Two.



One to change it, and one to stand there with his arms crossed saying " I could've played the solo better "

[Bob_R]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein,

"My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas,

when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

[Northern Girl]

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.




MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.




SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumbass!"




HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.




HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.





GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.





There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.