Joke thread

[Bob_R]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the
officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by
mistake."

[Bob_R]

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94
year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts
up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[Bob_R]

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.
" Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to
get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss
me.
"Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and

settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used
to bite my neck" Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of
bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

[Bob_R]

There were three little old black ladies getting ready to take a plane
across the ocean. The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but
I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo'?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange
panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.

The second lady answered: "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and
I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not goin' to wear any panties....."

"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.

"Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties," the third
lady said, "cause if dis plane go down, honey dey always looks fo da
black box first."

[Ozzy Fudd]

A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?
About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says,” Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats".

[Ozzy Fudd]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual
urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshittin'
me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Ozzy Fudd]

Q.) why was the Blondes belly button so sore ?

A.) Her Boyfriend was not so smart either

[canadiandlrgirl]

Three mice were sitting in a bar one borring evening and making bets on who was the toughest mouse.
The first mouse said, "i'm that tough, you kno that "rat nip," i sniff it!
The second mouse says "That's not so tough, see those "mouse traps," I bench press those!
The third mouse slams his drink down on the bar and says, "Oh yeah, you guys think you are so tough? "See me, I'm going home to FUCK the cat!!

[canadiandlrgirl]

Originally posted by Ozzy Fudd
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual
urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshittin'
me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

LMAO good one Fudd!

[canadiandlrgirl]

Did you hear about the tap dancing blonde?
















She fell in the sink

[canadiandlrgirl]

Yo mamma so poor she had to jack off the dog to feed the cat

[canadiandlrgirl]

What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
















Toys for twats

[Ozzy Fudd]

Q.Why do blonde women wear hoop earings?

A. Ankle holsters.

[Keeyth]

WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO SPEAK ENGLISH ?

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval
conference that included
admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and
French Navies. At
a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group
of half dozen
or so officers that included personnel from most of the
countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they
sipped their drinks
but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas
Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why
is it that we
always have to speak English in these conferences rather
than speaking
French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied,
"Maybe it's
because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged
it so you
wouldn't have to speak German."

Suddenly the group became very quiet.

[Keeyth]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Keeyth]

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk
at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over
himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in
your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone
threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the
dry cleaning bill.

So they stay for another couple of hours and get
even drunker. Eventually Larry stumbles home and his
wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of
alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God,
you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his
words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain
everythin Itsh snot wha jew think.

I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy
got ssick on me...he had one too many! and he juss
koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry
an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But
this is forty bucks."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my
pants, too."

[Keeyth]

A SUBTLE WAY TO SAY SOMETHING:


A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when
a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first
said that he
usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were
even after the
first few holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about
playing for
five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but
agreed to the
terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting
his $80.00,
the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a
neighboring course and
liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return
the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish
to bet with
you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to
you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and
make a
donation. And...if you want to bring your mother and father
along, I'll
marry them."

[Matt White]

Women's English:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

[Bob_R]

Proctology today......

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day
after classes, wanting to get a little practice in
before the final exams.

He goes over to a table where a body is lying face
down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he
finds a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that
this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to
his absolute surprise, singing begins "On the
road again ... just can't wait to get on the road
again..."

The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into
the anus. The music & singing stops. Totally freaked out, the
student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.


"Look at this! This is really something!" the
student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back
out again. Again, they hear, "On the road again..
just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously
unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever
seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any
asshole can sing country music

[diamondsgirl]

LOL

[Bob_R]

Originally posted by diamondsgirl
LOL

[Matt White]

Men's English:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

[Dave's Bitch]

Originally posted by Matt White
Men's English:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

LMAO

[canadiandlrgirl]

Originally posted by Sammy's Bitch
LMAO

that was funny and SO true

[UGS]

What does a blonde have in common w/ a tampon?

































They are both stuck up cunts

[canadiandlrgirl]

What three things do guys love that start with the letter M???


















Money,music and mmm....pussy :p

[canadiandlrgirl]

A Womans four favorite animals


A mink in the closet
A jaguar in the garage
A tiger in the bedroom
And an ass to pay for it all!

[Bob_R]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .

I'm sorry. What was the question?

[rustoffa]

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well". A little cuntcerned about the comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "do you drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. Can't stand the stuff!

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks.....BBQ ribs....burgers?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all read meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend alot of time in the sun, like playing golf, fishing, water skiing, mountain biking?"
"Not really," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars.....have promiscuous sex?"
"Nope," I said. "None of it."

He looked at me and said, "Then why in the fuck do you care if you live to be eighty?"

[Ally_Kat]

bump

[Anonymous]

Little Johnny had been staying at his grandmother's house for a few days when he came in from playing with the neighborhood kids to ask, "Grandma, what's it called when people sleep on top of each other?" Grandma was taken aback, but decided to be frank. "That's called 'sexual intercourse,' darling." Little Johnny said, "Okay," and went back outside to play. A little later he returned. "Grandma, it's not called 'sexual intercourse,' it's called 'bunk beds!'"

This one's fer you ladies...

God told all the men in Heaven to form two lines, one for those who were head of their household, the other for those who were dominated by their wives. Soon, the second line stretched out of sight, while the first contained just one man. God said, "You should be ashamed of yourselves. I created man to be the head of his home, to be its spiritual leader and yet only this man obeyed. May the rest of you learn from him. My son, please tell the others how you became the only man in this line." The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand over here!"


Cheers! :bottle:

[Dave's Bitch]

Originally posted by canadiandlrgirl
A Womans four favorite animals


A mink in the closet
A jaguar in the garage
A tiger in the bedroom
And an ass to pay for it all!

LOL

Love it

[Anonymous]

Battle of the sexes

One fer us...

Man discovered weapons and invented hunting; woman discovered hunting and invented furs. Man discovered colors and invented painting; woman discovered painting and invented make-up. Man discovered speech and invented conversation; woman discovered conversation and invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture and invented food; woman discovered food and invented diet. Man discovered friendship and invented love; woman discovered love and invented marriage. Man discovered woman and invented sex; woman discovered sex and invented headaches. Man discovered trade and invented money; woman discovered money and after that, man was a complete mess!

And one fer you:

When Pope John Paul II got to heaven, St. Peter told him he was lucky to be there. John Paul asked, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?" "God was angry with your refusal to admit female priests," said St. Peter. "He's mad about that?" the late pope asked. St. Peter replied, "She's furious."

Pick the winner!

Cheers! :bottle:

[blonddgirl777]

Sorry... just trying to get rid of the big ugly thread (by bumping this one)...

[Bob_R]

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.


When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.


The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.


Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.


Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."


No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.

[Keeyth]

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

* * * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
* * * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Keeyth]

A wife comes home early from work one day only to find her
husband in bed with a strange woman."That's it!" she screams
at him. "I'm leaving you and never coming back."The husband
says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"She
shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. But this
won't do you any good!"He says, "Well, I'm driving along the
street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no
shoes, all muddy and crying.I took pity on her and asked if
she would like to get cleaned up in my house.She climbed
into my truck and I brought her home.She took a shower and I
gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you that you wore
once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only
twice. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the
fridge, that you never touched last night.Then I showed her
to the door. She was so grateful for all these things so she
thanked me profusely. But then, just as she was about to
leave, She turned around and asked me ........"Is there
anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

[Keeyth]

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of Nuevo California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Opry Land.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and antiwar, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our re sources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus Carnegie Mellon, University of Chicago, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Author Unknown in Nuevo California

[Bob_R]

A Bridge Too Fast
So there was this guy driving through town one day, he was going about 100 in a 35, he crosses over a bridge and not too far past the end of it he sees the familiar blinking lights behind him and pulls over. The police officer comes up to the window and asks him where he's trying to get in such a hurry, and the guy says he's late for work.
The cop says "what job do you have that you have to get to so urgently?" and the guy says "I'm a Rectum Stretcher"
The cop looks a little funny at the guy and says "A Rectum Stretcher? What does a a Rectum Stretcher do?"
The guy says "well, first you start with a finger or two, work you way up to a fist, and keep going until it's six feet wide"
The cop looks absolutely amazed and says "Well, what do you do with a six foot asshole?" and the man replies
"You give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge"

[Bob_R]

US Highway 22
The highway patrolman sported a car driving dangerously slow on a much-traveled freeway. He pulled it over and found the driver to be an elderly lady with four other older women as passengers.
"Lady," said the officer, "your slow driving is almost as dangerous as speeders. You need to try to keep the speed limit."
"But I always keep the speed limit," replied the lady. "I was doing the speed limit when you stopped me."
The officer asked, "What do you think the limit is on this road?" The dear old lady said, "I just a moment ago saw the sign, U.S. Highway 22."
"But lady," warned the officer, "that is the highway number, not the speed limit"
The lady was very apologetic and, of course, no ticket was given. The officer noticed that all the passengers seemed pale and had a frightened look in their eyes.
As he turned to leave the car, wondering if his presence had been the problem, he turned again and said to the driver, "Ma'am, are you sure all your passengers are OK?"
"Oh, they will be in a few moments," she said, "we just turned off Highway 120."