Joke thread

[Bob_R]

Bad Timing
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."

[Bob_R]

Blonde Ambition
One day a blonde was driving on the highway and got pulled over by a cop.
The cop said "Why do you keep swerving?"
The blonde replied "I turn one way and there's a tree, I turn again there's a tree, and then there's a whole bunch more trees popping out of nowhere."
The cop replied "M'am, that's your air freshener."

[Bob_R]

Southern Justice
A couple of kids in the South get pulled over for speeding. When the trooper approaches the car, the driver says 'What's the problem, sir?'.
The trooper takes out his machined aluminum flashlight and whacks the kid across the head saying 'You don't speak to a state trooper unless you're spoken to'.
The trooper writes out the citation and gives it to the driver who responds 'Thanks a lot'.
The trooper again gives the kid a dose of the flashlight and says 'When you address a state trooper, you finish your sentence with the word sir'.
He then walks over to the passenger side and whacks the other kid with the flashlight.
The kid says 'What was that for, sir?'
The trooper says 'I was just fulfilling your wish.
Y'all wouldn't have gotten 100 yards down this road before you'd have said to your friend, "I wish he'd have tried that crap with me", so I fulfilled your wish.'

[Jurak]

Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen


· Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just bug off and leave me alone.

§ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

§ The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

· Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

§ Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

§ Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

§ Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

§ If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

§ Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

§ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

§ Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

§ Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

§ Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

§ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

§ There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

§ Never miss a good chance to shut up.

§ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

§ When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our [nocando]. From there on in, life gets worse

§ The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

************************************************** **

[Bob_R]

A Little Late For Work
For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 A.M. on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation.
All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freakin' killed myself."
And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

[Bob_R]

Welcome to Scotland
After six months of living on a remote coast of Scotland and not seeing another living soul, Bob was surprised to hear a knock on his door. Upon opening it he laid eyes on the biggest Scotsman he had ever seen.
The Scot said to Bob, "Why hello there laddie! I'd like to invite ya to a 'welcome to Scotland' party!"
Bob replied, "Hey, you know, I've been so lonely out here by myself, that'd be great! When is it?"
The Scot answered, "Tonight there laddie. But I best warn ya that there'll be lots of hard drinkin' and probably some fightin' as well."
Bob replied, "That's fine, I've been known to drink a bit every once in a while. And as far as fighting, I can take care of myself."
The Scot continued, "And there's goan to be some wild sex! Lots of wild sex!!"
Bob replied, "You know, after six months out here alone, this party is sounding quite excellent! What should I wear?"
The Scot replied, "Where what ya like laddie, it's only goan to be the two of us."

[Bob_R]

Delayed
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[Bob_R]

Hung Chow
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."

[John Holmes]

What's the difference between a ****** and a letter?
You can send a letter back to where it came from.

What happened when the ****** looked up his family tree?
A gorilla shit on his face.

Why don't ****** women wear panties to picnics?
To keep the flies off the chicken.

[Matt White]

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow shit have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What does a blonde say the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.

[Matt White]

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A. Get'em on their back and their both screwed.

[larbo]

This is for you ford.
Q: How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
A: Easy. There is a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"

The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.

[Keeyth]

That was the lamest joke I've ever heard. In fact, it doesn't even qualify as a joke, it is so stupid. Moron.

[Matt White]

Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A blow job with handlebars

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!

Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

[Keeyth]

Subject: A Bull Story

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that
said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated
50
times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"This
bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than
twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,
said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was
with
the same cow."


NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable
and he should eventually make a full recovery.

[Bob_R]

Watch out for the trains
Peter, the local Stationmaster was having a beer at the pub with his mates."I had an incredible experience last night," he said "I saw something lying on the tracks so I went to investigate.I found a woman who had tied herself to the tracks!"
"So what did you do" asked his mates.
"I untied her and took her back to my place and made a strong cup of coffee. Then I poured a couple of drinks,put on some soft music...one thing led to another,and I finished up having the wildest night of sex I've ever had!"he bragged.
"Was she good looking?" asked a mate
"Dunno" said Peter "I havn't found her head yet!!!

[Bob_R]

Smart Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[Matt White]

Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.

Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A. They're hiring.

Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
A. Yeah...now he has no ears.

Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out

[Keeyth]

Originally posted by EVH FANATIC
Smart Monkey

ROFLMAO!!

[Matt White]

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.

Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.

Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick

Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside.

Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit.

Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.

Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick!

Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
A. All your tic tacks are gone.

[Golden AWe]

this one's old already but...

JESTERSTAR.

[Bob_R]

Indigestion
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go by and the guy looks at her and vomits. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

[Bob_R]

The customer is always right
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!

[Bob_R]

Cowboy Justice
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[Bob_R]

Shave and a haircut
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

[Bob_R]

The Challenge
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"

[Bob_R]

Indian Custom
One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."

[Bob_R]

Ice Cream
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

[Bob_R]

Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned
on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent
bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of
these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[Bob_R]

A Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband...

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," so she goes to the fourth floor, and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, loves kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" So she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted she goes to the sixth floor and sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart's Husband Store.

[Bob_R]

On a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful and things go
from bad to worse when one wing is struck by
lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in the front of the plane "I'm too young
to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I
want my last minutes
on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this
plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?!" For a moment there is
silence. Everyone has
forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted,
at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the
plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark
brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly
up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt....... One
button at a time...................... No one
moves............................. He removes
his shirt........... Muscles ripple across his chest....... She
gasps......................... He whispers,...........

"Iron this - and then get me a beer."

[Keeyth]

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving
their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered
around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In
medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The
first, is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck
his finger in
the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his
mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out! They hesitated for several
minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the
dead body and
sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and
told them, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in
my middle
finger, but I sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to
pay attention."

[Keeyth]

ewww!!

[Anonymous]

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A man standing in line at the grocery store checkout was surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her a "Who are you?" look, but couldn't remember ever having seen her before. She noticed his look and assumed she had made a mistake. "I'm sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children." She took her change and left the store. The man was dumbfounded. "What's the world coming to? How can a woman not remember who fathered her children?" But then he thought, "Maybe, just maybe, during some wild college party..." so he ran after her and caught her in the parking lot. "Wait a minute. Are you the girl from that college party where we got really drunk and had sex on the pool table in front of everybody?" "No!" she said with a horrified look. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

Why don't San Francisco blondes wear miniskirts? Because when the wind blows too hard, their balls show!

A blonde brought her car into the dealership to request "a new 710." The parts clerk asked, "A 710? What's a 710?" She replied, "You know, that little thingie in the middle of the engine. I lost mine and want a new one." "A new what?" "I don't know, but it's always been there." He walked her over to another car with its hood up. "So, do you see a 710 on this car?" The blonde huffed indignantly, pointed, and said, "Of course. Right there!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Bob_R]

MEXICAN EARTHQUAKE

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!

[Anonymous]

Why is a deer herd so wealthy? Because it's nothing but doe and bucks!

FOX-FM in Sydney, Australia has a game where a DJ phones a couple, asks them three questions, and, if their answers agree, gives them a nice vacation. But one particular exchange stands out: DJ: "Hey! This is FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match?'" Contestant (laughing): "Yes, I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast. What's your name? First name only, please." Contestant: "Brian." DJ: "Brian, are you married?" Brian (laughing nervously): "Yes." DJ: "What's your wife's name? First only, please." Brian: "Sarah." DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?" Brian: "She's gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian. Is she at work?" Brian (laughing): "Yes, she's at work." DJ: "Okay, first question: When was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." DJ: "Attaboy, Brian." Brian laughs sheepishly. DJ: "Second question: How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want to win that trip! No one would admit that without a trip at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex this morning?" Brian (laughing hard): "I, um, err, well…" DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks." DJ: "Uh huh." Brian: "And the mother-in-law was in the shower at the time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "Not that great? This is better than the previous hundred times I've done this! Okay, folks, I'm going to put Brian on hold, get Sarah's number and call her while you listen to this." [Three minutes of commercials.] DJ: "Okay, audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones, ringing.) Voice: "Kinko's." DJ: "Is Sarah around there somewhere?" Voice: "This is she." DJ: "Sarah, this is FOX-FM. We're live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian, who's on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you'll lose. So, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match?'" Sarah: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian laughs. Sarah (laughing): "Brian, what in the hell are you up to now?" Brian (laughing): "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Now, I will ask you three questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the two of you will be off to the Gold Coast on us. Sarah (laughing): "Yes." DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh, God, Brian! Uh, this morning before Brian went to work." DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8?" DJ: "Very good. Second question: How long did it last?" Sarah: "12, 15 minutes, maybe." DJ: "Hmm. Close enough. She's just trying to protect his manhood. One last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?" Sarah (laughing): "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?" Brian: "Just tell him the truth, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?" Sarah: "Well…" DJ: "Come on, Sarah. Where did you have it?" Sarah: "Up the arse…" After what seemed like a minute of dead air, the DJ spluttered, "Folks, we'll be right back after this station break!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Sarge's Little Helper]

Why is a deer herd so wealthy? Because it's nothing but doe and bucks!

FOX-FM in Sydney, Australia has a game where a DJ phones a couple, asks them three questions, and, if their answers agree, gives them a nice vacation. But one particular exchange stands out: DJ: "Hey! This is FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match?'" Contestant (laughing): "Yes, I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast. What's your name? First name only, please." Contestant: "Brian." DJ: "Brian, are you married?" Brian (laughing nervously): "Yes." DJ: "What's your wife's name? First only, please." Brian: "Sarah." DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?" Brian: "She's gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian. Is she at work?" Brian (laughing): "Yes, she's at work." DJ: "Okay, first question: When was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." DJ: "Attaboy, Brian." Brian laughs sheepishly. DJ: "Second question: How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want to win that trip! No one would admit that without a trip at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex this morning?" Brian (laughing hard): "I, um, err, well…" DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks." DJ: "Uh huh." Brian: "And the mother-in-law was in the shower at the time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "Not that great? This is better than the previous hundred times I've done this! Okay, folks, I'm going to put Brian on hold, get Sarah's number and call her while you listen to this." [Three minutes of commercials.] DJ: "Okay, audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones, ringing.) Voice: "Kinko's." DJ: "Is Sarah around there somewhere?" Voice: "This is she." DJ: "Sarah, this is FOX-FM. We're live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian, who's on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you'll lose. So, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match?'" Sarah: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian laughs. Sarah (laughing): "Brian, what in the hell are you up to now?" Brian (laughing): "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Now, I will ask you three questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the two of you will be off to the Gold Coast on us. Sarah (laughing): "Yes." DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh, God, Brian! Uh, this morning before Brian went to work." DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8?" DJ: "Very good. Second question: How long did it last?" Sarah: "12, 15 minutes, maybe." DJ: "Hmm. Close enough. She's just trying to protect his manhood. One last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?" Sarah (laughing): "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?" Brian: "Just tell him the truth, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?" Sarah: "Well…" DJ: "Come on, Sarah. Where did you have it?" Sarah: "Up the arse…" After what seemed like a minute of dead air, the DJ spluttered, "Folks, we'll be right back after this station break!"

Cheers! :bottle:

Oops. I wasn't paying attention. Tell me again what is going on.

[Keeyth]

Sarge's little helper is right, that could have been structured a little better for easier reading. Also, that joke has been around a million years, and always with different radio station, so I wonder if it ever really happened at all.

[Matt White]

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"