Joke thread

[lms2]

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"You know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says,
"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"

[Ozzy Fudd]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near
me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feeling and
desires for me. That she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before
I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight
to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and
walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Bob_R]

EULOGY



She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Again, her husband died. And alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."



One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"



The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

[Bob_R]

The Human Mind

Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it.



I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

[Bob_R]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a
small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to
tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the
course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and
the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon
with two problems: All these years, everything has been
working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many
times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two
annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and
the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at
her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking
about the goatee."

[diamondsgirl]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "shhhh...just let the poison work."

[Bob_R]

A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to
her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything
there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist
asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a
family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells
the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist,
with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at
the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and
is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The
boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and
the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes
and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his
head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and
whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"

[MAX]

Warning: Don't Step on the Ducks!


Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps
on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she
steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid
eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[lms2]

Baby Photographer
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[diamondsgirl]

Awesome!

[diamondsgirl]

I saw this at another site and thought it was cute:

You know you are addicted to the internet when:

1. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

2. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

6. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

7. Your cat has its own homepage.

8. You beg your friends to get an AOL account so you can all "hang out."

9. You have your screen name as your license plate.

10. You actually invite large groups of people to your house and have internet parties.

11. You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.

12. You get up in the morning and check your email before going to the bathroom.

13. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.

14. You’re on the phone and say "BRB".

15. Instead of forplay, you ask your spouse if she/he wants to skip the small talk and cyber.

16. You have internet in your bathroom.

18. You get depressed when you check your email and dont have any.

17. You name your dog DotCom.

[MAX]

DG,

Honey, your PM inbox is full. I can't reply.

[diamondsgirl]

Originally posted by MAX
DG,

Honey, your PM inbox is full. I can't reply.

OK, Maximus, my box is ready for you.

[MAX]

Originally posted by diamondsgirl
OK, Maximus, my box is ready for you.

I already came and went!!!! LOL!!! :p

[diamondsgirl]

Originally posted by MAX
I already came and went!!!! LOL!!! :p

was it good for you?