Joke thread

[Bob_R]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her
new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was
a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised
to find her husband home in a very drunken state.


During the next few minutes, he explained that his
employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely
that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another
position that paid anywhere near what he'd been
earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed
more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest
totaling nearly $1 million dollars.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million dollars,
and informed him that they were one of the largest
depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades
that she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had
multiplied and these were the results of her savings
and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth
over $3 million dollars, her husband was so astounded
he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice
and blurted out;


"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would
have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

Sometimes men just don't know when to keep their
mouths shut.

[Bob_R]

A young Italian girl was going on a date. Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana

letame tella you about those-a young boys. He's agonna try ana kiss you,

you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that."



"He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but

don'ta let him do that."



"But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna

likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing thata willa disgrace the

family."



With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.



The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had

predicted: "Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I

just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"



Nonna fainted!!

[Soul Reaper]

Bob Geldof, Ozzy Osbourne and Michael Jackson were on the Titanic when hit an iceberg....Geldof said "Save the Children", Ozzy said "Fuck the children" and Michael Jackson said "What, now?"

[Keeyth]

*rim shot*

[Dave's Bitch]

i heard kinda a sick joke today

i heard quentin tarantino is making a new film about new orleans called resivoir wogs.

i personally thought that was kinda tasteless

[Dave's Bitch]

Originally posted by EVH FANATIC
A young Italian girl was going on a date. Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana

letame tella you about those-a young boys. He's agonna try ana kiss you,

you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that."



"He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but

don'ta let him do that."



"But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna

likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing thata willa disgrace the

family."



With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.



The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had

predicted: "Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I

just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"



Nonna fainted!!

sounds a lil like my fam when i went on my first date

[Keeyth]

Get up on THIS!

[Bob_R]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[Northern Girl]

Here's a personnel decision conundrum:

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one
of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to
make, as they were both equally qualified and both did
excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one
used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after
partying all night.

She went to the cooler to get some water to take an
aspirin and the executive approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay
you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like heck."

[Keeyth]

Well, actually I'd say that's too bad, cuz I'd rather lay you NG!

[Bob_R]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

[Bob_R]

Bar

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender
says, "That'll be four cents, please."

The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement.
"How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and
gravy and a side order of peas?"

"Eleven cents," says the bartender.

The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his
friends
because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I
can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"

"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.

"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly
replies.

[Bob_R]

The Sailor

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself in to the ocean. She went down to the docks and was
about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her
tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said,
"Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and
if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and
bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her
shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine
inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food
and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[frets5150]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.




The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[Anonymous]

One blonde said to another, "I had a pregnancy test last week." The other asked, "Really? Were the questions difficult?"

Two nicely-dressed ladies were chatting while waiting at the airport. One was an arrogant, wealthy, egotistical Californian. The other was a well-mannered Southern lady. The California woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The Southern lady replied, "Well, isn't that precious." The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the other commented, "Well, isn't that precious." The first continued boasting, "Then when my third child was born, he bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, "Well, isn't that precious." The Californian asked, "What did your husband buy you when you had your first child?" "He sent me to charm school," said the Southern lady. "Charm school? Oh, God! Why?" The Southern lady replied, "Well, for one thing, I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious' instead of, 'Who gives a sh¡t?!'"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

A blonde was aboard a small two-seater airplane when the pilot had a heart attack and died. She grabbed the radio and screamed, "Mayday! Mayday! The pilot just died!" Air traffic control answered, "Don't worry, ma'am. We'll talk you down. Just do as I say. First, give me your height and position." "I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the right front seat!"

A young Indian boy asked his father, the chief, why Indians always have long names while white men have short names. His father replied, "Son, our names represent are creative and symbolic, unlike the white man who repeats names from generation to generation. For example, your sister, Small Romantic Moon Over the Lake, is named that because on the night she was born the moon was reflected in the lake. Your brother, Galloping White Stallion, was born when a great white horse appeared near our camp. Do you have any other questions, Two Dogs Fucking?"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

Steve was driving his girlfriend to the airport when he passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. His girlfriend saw it and snarled, "Am I supposed to think that if I drank enough of that brand of beer, I'd look like her?" Steve replied, "No, but if I drank enough of it you would!" (Steve is expected to recover soon.)

A bored policeman was sitting in his patrol car with nothing to do when he saw a gypsy riding a horse alongside the highway. "Halt!" screamed the officer as he rushed from his car. "What's wrong?" asked the gypsy. "I couldn't be speeding, could I?" "No, of course not. Your 'vehicle' is inappropriate for this highway so I'm going to have to fine you." "Oh, please, officer," begged the gypsy. "I am but a poor man. I have no money." The officer looked him over; this appeared true. "All right, how about if you give me something interesting and I'll forget I saw you." "But I have nothing." "What's that bottle there? What's that?" "It is milk from Coconut." "Good enough. Give it to me and get out of here." But when the cop took a swig from the bottle, he spit it out and said, "This tastes awful! Get out of here before I change my mind!" The gypsy shook the reins and yelled, "Go, Coconut! Go!!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Matt White]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

[Keeyth]

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very
serious
Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever
do it, he ran
across An ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS
PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.
But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the
3-day/10 pound weight
loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door,
and when he
answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic,
19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign round her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the
weight loss
company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can
have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few
miles later, Huffing
and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with
her. After they
Are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like
the way this
Company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next
two days and
the Same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs
himself and is
delighted to Find he has lost 10 pounds as promised. He
calls the company
and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands
the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his
life, wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, "If
you Catch me, you can have me." He's out the door and after
her like a
shot. This Girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a
while to catch
her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next
four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight,
on the fifth day,
he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as
promised. He
decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound
program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the
phone. "This is our
most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I
haven't felt this good
in years".

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens
it he finds a
muscular guy standing there, wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads: "If I catch you, you're
mine"

[Bob_R]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

I went to the store the other day. I was in there for only about 10
minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving
a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So, I called him a piece of dog sh*t.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's
important at my age.

[Anonymous]

Customer Service Operator: "Hello. How may I help you?" Blonde: "Yes, I need Jack's telephone number?" Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand. Who are you talking about?" Blonde: "Your User Guide clearly states on section 17, page 5, that I need to unplug my fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, what's Jack's phone number?"

A blonde read a newspaper headline that blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." As she shook her head at this sad news, she asked the man sitting beside her, "How many's in a Brazilian?"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Jurak]

Elderly Jokes
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, "What's wrong?" The old man looks at the bartender
through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, "I married a beautiful woman two days ago.
She's a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a
meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and
intensely passionate in bed."
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, "But that
sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?"
The old man looks at the bartender and says, "I can't remember where I
live!"

[Ozzy Fudd]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff, stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the president looks up and asks,














































"How many is a brazillion?"

[Anonymous]

I had just posted that, brother Ozzy... nevermind. Here's a couple more:

Two good old boys were sitting out behind their trailers, shooting the breeze. Bubba asked, "Homer, if I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz fishin', an' made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?" Homer scratched his head. "Nah, Bubba, I don't think so. But it would make us even."

Two Irishmen bought two pigs, but then worried about how they could tell whose was whose. Paddy suggested he cut one ear off his pig. The other Paddy thought that was a good idea. This worked fine until a few weeks later when Paddy stormed into Paddy's house. "Paddy, your pig has chewed the ear off my pig! Now we got two pigs with one ear each. Now how we gonna tell whose pig is whose?" "Well, Paddy," said Paddy, "I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll 'ave two pigs and only one of them will 'ave an ear." The other Paddy agreed. This worked fine until a few weeks later when Paddy stormed into Paddy's house. "Paddy, your pig has chewed the other ear offa my pig! Now, we got two pigs with no ears! Now how we gonna tell whose pig is whose?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy," said Paddy and he thought a moment. "How about if I'll cut de tail offa my pig and den we'll 'ave two pigs with no ears and only one tail." Paddy agreed. A few weeks later, Paddy stormed into Paddy's house again. "Paddy, your pig has chewed the tail offa my pig and now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails! Now how we gonna tell 'em apart?!" "Ah, fook it," said Paddy. "Why don't you have the black one and I'll have the white one?!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Bob_R]

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Alabama and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Alabama women.

[Bob_R]

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Bubba?" the others asked.

"Bubba had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Bubba lying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Bubba!

[Bob_R]

Regarding the year 2000, a senior at U of A was overheard saying "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama." When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.

[Bob_R]

The young Alabamian came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Alabamian answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

[Bob_R]

NEWS FLASH! - Tuscaloosa, AL ----- Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Alabama students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Tuscaloosa. Alabama search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

[Bob_R]

An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-20. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

Bubba replied, "Bout whut?

[Matt White]

Larry gets home late one night, and his wife Linda says, where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I Like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand, and Last, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home And blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."


Ngk Ngk Ngk!!!

[Bob_R]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.


Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.


When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.


The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.


The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.


The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:



Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[Bob_R]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a
bench talking........and one blonde says to the
other, "Which do you think is farther
away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde
turns and says "Helloooooooooo!!! can you see
Florida.......?????"

[MAX]

I didn't know where else to put this so here goes...

I heard this on the radio while driving home from work and found it cute.

Apparantly there's this new store in Chicago specifically designed for women to BUY a husband. Yeah, "No Shit?" tis' what I said as well.

Well the store has six levels.

Here's the catch. The woman can only keep going up. Once she passes on a specific man, she cannot go back down only to exit the store.

A woman tried it for the radio station and here's how it went.

On the first floor after stepping off the elevator it reads:

"These men have jobs"

The woman thought "Not bad. I mean it's better than my last boyfriend." However, she decided to go up.

The second floor reads:

"These men have jobs and love children"

The woman thought "awesome" but there were still four more levels, so why not see what's next?

The third floor reads:

"These men have jobs, love children and are extremely good looking"

She almost bit but was halfway there, so what could going up another floor hurt?

The fourth floor read:

"These men have jobs, love children, are extremely good looking and love to help with the housework"

Well, the prospects just kept getting better so she decided to go up yet another floor.

The fifth floor read:

"These men have jobs, love children, are extremely good looking, love to help with housework and are very romantically inclined"

The woman thought "WOW!!!" but figured that if there's one more level, she might as well give it a go.

She stepped off the elevator on the sixth floor and the sign read:

"You are visitor 3,565,231 and thank you for shopping at Husbands R Us you may now exit the store."

Just goes to show that no matter how good you might think you are, a woman always wants more and is willing to look for it.

[Keeyth]

That's been posted before here many times and the punch line is messed up on your version, it supposed to end with something along the lines of "It just goes to show that women can't resist shopping and that there is no pleasing a woman" or something like that... ...but no worries!

[Keeyth]

[Ozzy Fudd]

Ya know almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it
necessary to hire a private investigator, Alan
Pinkerton, for protection. That was the beginning of
the Secret Service .

Since that time, federal police authority has grown to
a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI , CIA ,
INS , IRS , DEA , ATF , etc.

Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport
Security Service.
Can't you see them now? These highly
trained men and women in their black outfits with
initials in large white letters across their backs?

F A. T. A. S. S.

[Ozzy Fudd]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Okay old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about
5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and boom, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit, third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of the story...Don't mess with us old folks. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

[Anonymous]

Medicine through the Ages
2000 BC: "Here, eat this root." 1000 AD: "That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer." 1850 AD: "That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion." 1900 AD: "That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill." 1950 AD: "That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic." 2000 AD: "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root."

A waiter delivered a bottle of fine Merlot to a beautiful woman and said, "This is from the gentleman at the bar." She regarded the wine and the man for a moment, and then sent back a written reply. The gentleman read it. "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in the garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." He read the note, and then composed one of his own. She read, "For your information, I have a Ferrari, a BMW, a Mercedes and a Porsche in my garage and twenty million in the bank, but not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Send back the wine!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Jurak]

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.