When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
Hey Jackass! You need to [Register] or log in to view signatures on ROTHARMY.COM!
Fallen
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to
adultery, I'll quit!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This
satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for
years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor.
The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the side walks
in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the
confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh,
realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor
and said,"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"
How does a bad golfer differ from a bad skydiver? The bad golfer goes Whack! "Damn!" while the bad skydiver goes, "Damn!" Whack!
One guy said to the other, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything. And what she doesn't have, she just goes out and buys herself. I'm stumped." His buddy said, "Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have an hour of great sex any way she wants it?" "Great idea. She'll be thrilled." The next day, his buddy asked him, "Well? Did you take my advice?" "Sure did." "What happened?" "She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me, and ran out the door, yelling, "See ya in an hour!"
Cheers! :bottle:
Hey Jackass! You need to [Register] or log in to view signatures on ROTHARMY.COM!
The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody.
He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an
impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a
coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler
the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before,
but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
Hey Jackass! You need to [Register] or log in to view signatures on ROTHARMY.COM!
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells
the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few
minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the
story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Hey Jackass! You need to [Register] or log in to view signatures on ROTHARMY.COM!
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a
river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other
side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other
side."
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one
day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the
first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.! "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
A rabbi walked into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender said, "Hey, where'd you get that?" And the frog said, "Brooklyn! They're all over the place!"
When Ruth's husband died, they only had $20,000 to their name. At the cemetery, Ruth mentioned to a dear friend that she was now penniless. Her friend asked, "How can that be?" "Well, you see, the funeral cost $6,500. And I made a $500 donation to the church. Plus I spent another $1,000 for the wake, food, drinks, you know. The rest went for his memorial stone." Her shocked friend replied, "Twelve grand for a memorial stone? God, Ruth, how big is it?" Ruth grinned. "Three carats!"
Cheers! :bottle:
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
LOL!!
Hey Jackass! You need to [Register] or log in to view signatures on ROTHARMY.COM!
Once, when British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli was addressing the House of Lords, a member interrupted him and shouted, "You, sir, are either mad or diseased!" Disraeli stared him down and calmly replied, "That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress!"
A Texas rancher and his wife bickered their way through France as if they were back home in the Panhandle. They were scarcely speaking by the time they arrived for their dinner reservations at a fancy French restaurant. When the waiter asked for their order, the rancher said, "I'll have a big, thick, porterhouse steak." The waiter looked surprised. "Monsieur? What about ze mad cow?" The rancher replied, "Oh, she'll just have the salad!"
Cheers! :bottle:
Man, Disraeli was a genious!
Hey Jackass! You need to [Register] or log in to view signatures on ROTHARMY.COM!
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He
doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he
writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later
he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right
as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and
he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company and another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over
your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel
apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co
Paul had an important meeting, but just could not find a place to park. Finally, he resorted to prayer. "Lord, have mercy. If you find me a parking space, I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life. I'll even give up drinking!" Miraculously, a car pulled out, right in front of him. Paul looked up and said, "Never mind. I found one."
Dear Continental Airlines, American Airlines, Southwest Airlines, Delta Airlines, United Airlines, et al: Here's my solution to prevent hijackings while getting our airline industry back on its feet. 1. Replace all female flight attendants with good looking strippers. What the hell? Most of your attendants have grown old anyway. Since they don't serve food anymore, no one would miss them. 2. Strippers create a party atmosphere and would triple alcohol consumption and your profits. 3. Terrorists would be afraid to fly for fear of seeing naked women. 4. Every heterosexual businessman would fly lots more, further increasing your business. Think of the results: record revenues and no more hijackings. Signed, Bill Clinton.
Cheers! :bottle:
He tried to be a loving husband, so he softly told her, "Your breasts are so beautiful that I want to take a photograph of them so I can frame it." She replied, "Yeah? Well, I want to take a photograph of your penis so I can enlarge it!"
Here's proof that not only blonde women are... well, mentally challenged.
The blond father was in the delivery room for his wife's first birth. She gave birth to perfect little twin boys.. He turned to his wife and said, "All right! Who's the other father?!"
Cheers! :bottle:
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
Hey Jackass! You need to [Register] or log in to view signatures on ROTHARMY.COM!
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.
The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court!"
The court room went silent and Paddy (the best man) stood up and said, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
"Well", continued Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leaped over the table, ran towards us, and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly responded: "God.. that must have hurt!"
Paddy replied, "HURT ?? It broke 3 of my fingers!!!"
A Cha-cha cha!!!
Morris an 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got a twenty two year old bride who's pregnant with my child! . . .What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...
*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
"EXACTLY!"
One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring then said, "Isn't having nine babies a little much?"
"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."
"Yes," said the priest, "your legs!"
A well-dressed man approached a voluptuously beautiful young woman on the street and said, "Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"
"For a MILLION dollars?!" she replied, more than a little stunned, "Of course I would!"
"Well, would you sleep with me for twenty five dollars?"
"Twenty five dollars? Don't be ridiculous! What kind of girl do you take me for, anyway?"
"We've already established what kind of girl you are; now we're just haggling over price."
"HIT MY MUSIC!!!"
Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens. The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch. After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.
Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her. Well what happened?
She replied, It was the best sex I ever had!
Why? asked Farmer Brown.
Well when he took off his pants it wasn'r but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage.
Farmer Brown said, Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!!
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
MEN'S ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay
Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: They think we care.
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said, "Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".
Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks
=-=-=-=-=-
10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."
9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and
puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."
7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."
5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's
giving it.
4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."
3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.
2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.
And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks...
1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy
replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.
Hey Jackass! You need to [Register] or log in to view signatures on ROTHARMY.COM!
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name’s Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you’d like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ’em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More ’n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too."
"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that’s not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their
honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the
receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite.
The whole evening the people in the next room are phoning down
to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't
stop for one minute the whole night.
Next morning at 6 am, the groom phones down to room service.
"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"
"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.
The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last
night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of
toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"
Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there.
Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"
"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for
my wife as well?"
Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"
The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit as
well!"
OI VAY!!!
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."
A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road." The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung
anyone.
The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the
tree.
The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. "Oh no," the farmer thought, "he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!"
As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.
"No, no, I'm okay I guess," gasped the naked man. "I have no choice, do I? I'll pay you double for the farm... but doesn't that calf have a mother?"
A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarrettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it.
The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here."
The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that i buy them here but can't smoke them here?"
And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here."
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't wan to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"
A Cha-cha cha!!!
What Color Panties do you have on?
Rocky, a mafia wise-guy, just had gotten paid a plentiful sum of money. He decided to improve his image and have a swell night-out impressing the ladies. So he went and purchased a custom tailored Armani suite, a Forzieri shirt, and a pair of $500 Gucci shoes. After being well suited for his night on the town, he started out at his favorite night club; where he new the ladies were hot and wanting. The atmosphere of the club was upbeat, discrete and sensual.
Rocky saw a familiar girl that he approached, and asked, “Hey Andria, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Andria, you have on a pair of pink panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know?” He said “Well I could see them in the reflection of my shoe.” She said, “Rocky that is unlike a gentleman to say such a thing”; slapping him and walking off the dance floor.
He didn’t give it a second thought and proceeded to his next prospect, a girl he once met at a party; he approached her saying, “Hey Rosalia, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Rosalia, you have on a pair of blue panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know?” He said “Well I could see them in the reflection of my shoe.” She said, Rocky, you are such a pig”, slapping him and walking off the dance floor.
Still determined to get laid while having a good time, but less assured by is new image, he approached another girl who had a promiscuous reputation. He said, “Hey Delanna you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Delanna, what color panties are you wearing?” She said, “I’m not wearing any panties Rocky”. He said, “Well that’s good Delanna”. She said, “Ohhhh Rocky, why do you ask?” He said, “There for a moment I thought I had a scratch on my new shoes.”
EXactly, exactly
Two fellas from rural Minnesota walked into a pet shop in Minneapolis. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by a lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the
100-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART TWO:
Moments later, Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART THREE:
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock
and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his head.....
"First der was Sven with his budgie jumping.... den Knut
parrotshooting.... and now Lars is hengliding!"
A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hella.
What's funnier than a zombie baby?
A zombie baby in a clown suit!
HA!
Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm.
One drunk says to the other drunk, “Did you sleep with my wife last night?”
To which the other drunk replies, “Not a wink.”
There are currently 28 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 28 guests)
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote