A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I resent that!"
The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck.
The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!
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A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can''t find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can''t hear. So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.") She replies by pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast, slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. The man is confused and runs upstairs.
"What? What was that?"
"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.
The redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
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God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"
Four married guys were fishing. The first guy said, "You guys have no idea what I had to do to be here this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint our house!" The second guy said, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I'd build her a new deck." The third guy said, "You guys have it easy! I had to promise that I’d remodel our kitchen!" The fourth guy didn't say a word. Finally, one asked him, "So what did you have to do to come fishing?" He replied, "I took a different approach. I set my alarm for 5AM, and when it went off, I nudged my wife and asked, 'Fishing or sex?' and she said, "Wear your sunscreen!"
Two doctors were complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's so easily confused," said one doctor. "She does everything backwards. Why, just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours and she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours instead. He damn near died!" "That's nothing," said the second doctor. "Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours and she tried to give the poor guy 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they heard a blood-curdling scream echo down the hall. "Oh, my God!" cried the first doctor. "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
Cheers! :bottle:
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1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.
6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.
7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.
8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.
9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.
10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.
11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month.
12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
14. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.
16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
17. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"
"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.
And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."
So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
This fella goes to the doctor and says"Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"
The doctor said" put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"
Things Not To Say During Sex
Girls shouldn't say:
You woke me up for that? Do you smell something burning? Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! Got any penicillin? Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I want a baby! But everybody looks funny naked! Did I mention the video camera? So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? Did I remember to take my pill? That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance... You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Did I mention my transsexual operation? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please I think biting is romantic- don't you? When would you like to meet my parents? Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you MR. Flash! Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... -------------------------------
Oops. I wasn't paying attention. Tell me again what is going on.Things Not To Say During Sex
Girls shouldn't say:
You woke me up for that? Do you smell something burning? Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! Got any penicillin? Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I want a baby! But everybody looks funny naked! Did I mention the video camera? So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? Did I remember to take my pill? That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance... You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Did I mention my transsexual operation? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please I think biting is romantic- don't you? When would you like to meet my parents? Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you MR. Flash! Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... -------------------------------
Guys shouldn't say:
A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? But I just brushed my teeth... I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people... That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? Now I know why he dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? You'll still vote for me, won't you? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? You can cook, too right? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?
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Guys shouldn't say:
A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? But I just brushed my teeth... I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people... That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? Now I know why he dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? You'll still vote for me, won't you? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? You can cook, too right? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
One day after a long days work a man walks into a bar. He realises that it's a gay bar, but decides to stay anyway. The bartender approaches and asks "What's the name of your penis?" The man replies, "I'm not like that, I just want a drink.” The bartender says, "I can't serve you until you give the name of your penis. For example the name of my penis is Nike, for the slogan Just Do It. I'll come back in a few minutes." So the man thinks and turns to the man on his left and asks him the name of his penis. The man replies, "It's Timex, it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." The man then turns to his right and asks him. He replies "It's Ford. Have you driven a Ford lately?" The man thinks and then calls the bartender over. "I got a name, it's Secret." "Why is it secret?" asked the bartender? The man says "It's strong enough for a man but made for a woman".
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Post a joke here?
Ok...
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Do you know how to spot the EXTROVERTED mathematician? He's the one who, when he talks to you, looks at YOUR shoes!
Three mothers decided to check the contents of their teenage daughters' purses. The brunette opened her daughter's purse and found a pack of cigarettes. "Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter smokes!" The redhead went through her daughter's purse and found a flask of vodka. "Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter drinks!" The blonde opened her daughter's purse and found a condom. "Oh, my God! I didn't know my daughter has a penis!"
Cheers! :bottle:
Did you hear about the blonde co-ed who went to a campus demonstration but didn't stay because it was too crowded?
A farmer was reduced to selling peaches door to door. A one house, a gorgeous young lady answered his knock, dressed only in a sheer negligee. After he showed her the peaches and asked if she wanted to buy some, she opened one side of her negligee and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He gulped and nodded and a tear ran from his eye. Then she opened the other side of her negligee and asked, "Are they as nice and pink as this?" He nodded again as a tear ran from his other eye. She then opened the full length of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" The farmer broke down crying. She asked, "What's wrong?" Through his tears, he replied, "First, the drought got my corn, then the bank took my cattle, and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches!"
Cheers! :bottle:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who finds such a man.
Two guys were walking through the woods when they saw a grizzly bear running toward them. One guy tore off his hiking boots and quickly pulled on a pair of sneakers from his bag. His buddy looked surprised. "You don't really think that those will make you run faster than a grizzly bear, do you?" "I don't need to run faster than the bear," his friend replied. "I just need to run faster than you!"
Cheers! :bottle:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who finds such a man.
A man lost his wife and went to the police. The policeman asked, "What are her characteristics?" "What do you mean, 'characteristics?'" The policeman said, "You know: Is her hair blonde? Her eyes blue? Her breasts big, etc.?" The man said, "That one's good! I'll take her!"
Cheers! :bottle:
The math teacher noticed that Little Johnny was daydreaming in class again. "Johnny! What's 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny immediately answered, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
A widower and a widow each lived alone in a Florida mobile home park for several years. One evening, at a community supper in the activity center, the two sat across from each other. As the meal ended, he finally gathered up his courage and asked, "Will you marry me?" After about a second of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will!" The meal ended with a few pleasant exchanges and they went home to their respective trailers. The next morning, he was worried. Did she say "Yes" or "No?" He couldn't remember. So he telephoned her and explained that he didn't remember as well as he once did. Then he said how much he enjoyed their evening together. Finally, he asked, "When I asked you to marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted when she replied, "I said 'Yes' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she paused before adding, "I'm glad you called because for the life of me I couldn't remember who asked me!"
Cheers! :bottle:
Object Gender: Ziploc Bags? Male, because they hold everything in and you can see right through them. Copiers? Female, because once they're turned off, they take a while to warm up again.. Hot Air Balloon? Male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it. Sponges? Female, of course: they're soft, squeezable, and retain water. Subway? Male, because every day it uses the same old lines to pick people up. Web Page? Female, because they're always getting hit on. Hammer? Male, because even though it hasn't changed in 5,000 years, it's still handy to keep around. Hourglass? Female, because over time its weight shifts to the bottom. Remote Control? Female. You might think it should be male, but just think about how much pleasure it brings a man and how he'd be lost without it!
A former soldier was telling his drinking buddies about the first time he parachuted from a plane. "When it was time for me to jump, I got to the door and froze. My drill sergeant stood behind me and whispered in my ear, 'If you don't jump right now, I'm gonna stick my cock right up your ass!'" His buddies asked in anticipation, "So? Did you jump?" He replied, "Uh, yeah. A little at first!"
Cheers! :bottle:
Why do ******s put mustard on their tootsie rolls? So they won't bite their finger! BWWHAAaaahhahaha!
What's black, Got four legs, and yell's HODEEDO, HODEEDO? Two ******s trying to get in my elevator!
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Hey, this is the JOKE thread here, moron. Not the JERK thread. So keep out!Originally posted by larbo
Why do I keep posting here?
Because as real shit I will stink till you bury me.
What's idiotic , got no brain, never speaks but vomits and should be thrown out of here soon?
Lousy Asswipe Racist Better Out
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There's no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple
nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented
in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But
if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham ? If
the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth, beeth ?
One goose, two geese. So one
moose, two meese? One index,
two indices.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat ?
Sometimes I think all the English
speakers should be committed to
an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite
at a play and play at a recital ?
Ship by truck and send cargo by
ship ? Have noses that run and feet
that smell ? Park on driveways and
drive on parkways ?
How can a slim chance and a fat
chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites ?
How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and
quite a few are alike ? How can the
weather be hot as hell on one day
and cold as hell another ?
You have to marvel at the unique
lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form
by filling it out, and in which an
alarm clock goes off by going on.
People, not computers invented
English, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race
(which, of course, is not a race at
all).
That is why, when the stars are
out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch,
I start it, but when I wind up this
essay, I end it !
A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders
a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 real mean looking men sitting at a corner
table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma
and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks
him square in the eyes and says,... "Grandpa ... Go home, you're drunk"
HAHAHAHAHHA Biggest joke of all on here is Nickdfresh
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ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZ ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzOriginally posted by nickbfresh
HAHAHAHAHHA Biggest joke of all on here is Nickdfresh
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A man heard his blonde girlfriend screaming at a soda machine: "You dumb button!" "You're ugly!" "You have no future!" "You'll be replaced by a better-looking button!" He ran over to her and asked, "What are you doing?" She pointed to a sign on the front of the machine: "Depress Button For Ice."
Socrates (469 - 399 BC) was widely lauded in ancient Greece for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait," replied Socrates. "Before you continue, I want you to ask yourself this: does what I am about to say pass the Triple Test?" "The triple test?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, ask yourself this: Are you absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is the Truth?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard it myself and..." "All right," said Socrates, "so you don't really know if it's true or not. Now ask yourself this: Is what you are about to tell me something Good?" "No, on the contrary..." began his friend. "So, you want to say something bad even though you're not sure it's true?" The embarrassed man shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so.." Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is the third test: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you were going to tell me going to be Useful to me?" "Well, I guess not.. Not really." "Well, then" concluded Socrates, "if what you want to say is neither True, nor Good, nor Useful, why tell me at all?" The man walked away, defeated and shamed. And this is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in high esteem. And it also explains why Socrates never knew that Plato was banging Mrs. Socrates!
Cheers! :bottle:
THREE WOMEN - ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE
AND A NEWFY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A JACUZZI..
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER
THE SKIN OF MY ARM." ..
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.
THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE
FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE NEWFY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE; SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHINGJUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE JACUZZI AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE NEWFY WOMAN FINALLY SAID,
"LORD THUNDERIN' JESUS, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT!
I'M GETTIN' A FAX!"
Love, Lust and Marriage
Love, Lust and Marriage
Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.
Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.
Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.
Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.
Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.
Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.
Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.
Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.
Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
A Cha-cha cha!!!
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time!
From time to time I speak with pharmaceutical sales reps who use our library. The other day, a Glaxo rep told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to everyone they consider buying stock in the company.
It combines the memory enhancing properties of the gingko root plus the, well, "uplifting" ability of Viagra. It's called "Gingko Viagra" and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you're doing.
The Bathtub
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?
Superman Limerick:
Miss Lane went to visit in Trent
Got lonely so (so the article went)
They found her quite dead
With a hole in her head
It seems she went down on Clark Kent
A jock and a geek applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.
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One day, a man goes to a library looking for a book and he says to the librarian, "Hello, can you help me find a book on suicide?"
He is totally shocked by the answer when she says to him, "Fuck You, You won't bring it back"
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BWHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!Originally posted by Cathedral
One day, a man goes to a library looking for a book and he says to the librarian, "Hello, can you help me find a book on suicide?"
He is totally shocked by the answer when she says to him, "Fuck You, You won't bring it back"
One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do."
So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"
The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim."
Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"
Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"
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