Joke thread

[Jurak]

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green
Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated
this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The
kids were nothing to look at either.

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find any.

13. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet
him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the
top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

14. I went to a seafood disco last week... and
pulled a mussel.

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
I do not get this one.......

16. Two termites walk into a bar.
One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

[Matt White]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

[Matt White]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

A CHa-cha cha!!!

[Matt White]

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

[Matt White]

One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.

Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."

The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.

[Matt White]

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off
his
clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by
him
and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection,
comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob
replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me

explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you

called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays
down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with
her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and
farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a

firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:
"Sir,
did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man:

"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you
called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him
over
the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked

receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key
back.
You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only
been
here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our
facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a
hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

[Bob_R]

GOOD GENES OR BAD GENES?

A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II drivers exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape.I'm up well before daylight, climb all over the aircraft doing my pre-flight inspection, fly all day, etc."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane! He went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot too!"

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living?! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married?!! Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?

[Jurak]

Great jokes man.....

[Jurak]

A co-worker got his pen stuck inside the printer just before we had to go to
a meeting. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him: "We don't
have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to
use it and then report it to the Help Desk." So he grabbed a piece of paper
and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. Later, one of my
techs comes in laughing and says saw a piece of paper on a printer and went
to investigate. Attached is what he found.


(Sometimes things don't always
come out the way you want them to.)
...
...
......
..........

[Matt White]

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly the convict got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it."

"Oh honey", the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. But he wasn't kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

[Matt White]

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous! Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he'll take care of you!"
So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," said her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and Tony will take care of you!"

So, up she went again! When she got there, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama,mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

Her mother replied,"Don't worry Maria, all good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he will take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the sauce dear," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

[Matt White]

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

[Matt White]

What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples?

It's Brail for "suck here".


A Cha-cha cha!!!!

[MERRYKISSMASS2U]

Originally posted by Matt White
What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples?

It's Brail for "suck here".


A Cha-cha cha!!!!

What happened to Chinky Chinky Chinky!? :'-(

[Matt White]

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...’’
He is interrupted by the doctor. “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.

Two weeks go by and the man is back. “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And by the way, you have a lovely home.”

[Matt White]

The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having sex...

THINGS TO DO OR SAY WHEN YOU WAKE UP TO YOUR ROOMMATE HAVING SEX....

(the obvious) "Ooooooo."

"That works better the other way around."

Sniff, sniff. "Is something burning?"

"Damn, that's complicated"

"Wait, wait, here take my pillow."

"All right, already. _I_ came!"

"You guys need a value pak."

Smoke a pipe, every once in a while wave it around and say, "Good show, old bean!"

"Is that sperm or a mudpack?"

"You've got something stuck in your teeth."

"4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."

Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change position.

"You know, they say that three's a charm."

Suggest your favorite position.

Shine a flashlight at them. "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the positition."

"Bring in the Gimp!"

"Hold that pose!"

Sit up and bounce vigorously on your bed, clapping and squealing with joy.

Start singing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

Sing "Shake your bootie."

"A little to the left."

"Is that a penis in your girlfriend, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Is there room for two in there?"

"Two words: penis extension."

Invite others in as a cheering section.

Charge admission at the door.

Make and hold up score cards and all of them should read 6.9.

Whip out pen and paper and take notes.

"Maybe it would help if you..."

"That reminds me of a joke I heard."

"That's what you call erect?"

"Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"

Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"

Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."

"Use the Heimlich; she's got something caught in her throat!"

"May I cut in?"

"That's illegal in Arkansas."

"Holy whips and chains, Batman!"

Scream at the top of your lungs. When they ask what's wrong say you thought you were having a nightmare.

"Look, if you insist on me being part of this, let me at least get her for a few minutes!"

Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.

Recite Condom Month slogans. i.e. 'Pack you wiener before you bean her.' and 'Wrap you wacker before you pack her.'

"Let's make a sandwich!"

"Is that hard enough for you?"

"I'm going to the water fountain, can I get you anything?"

"I think you dropped something."

"So, you like to eat at the Y?"

Grab your camcorder and ask, "How much do you think they'd pay to see this on Pay-per-view?"

"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

[Caged]

Knock fuckin' knock.... video of Bush getting locked out.


http://www.doubleagent.com/video.php?v=790&ct=37

[Caged]

and fuck you too Bush


http://www.doubleagent.com/video.php...37&cps=0&sb=mr

[MERRYKISSMASS2U]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8 am.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backing up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.

She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts to laugh hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says:

"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!"

[Matt White]

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

[Matt White]

what women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

[Matt White]

Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Ha! Ha! Great stuff in here, as always.

Here's the 600th or so:

Two pals come up against each other on the street. One is carrying an impressively huge man wearing a mac and a hat. The other asks him:
"What are ya doin' with that big guy, wearing a mac, on your back?
- Well, I met a genius by chance. "By chance" isn't appropriate, though. Because he told me: "You can ask me for two wishes. What's the first one you're asking for?" I said: "I want a billion dollars." And suddenly there was an awesome amount of bollocks falling from the sky. Yark... Sickening. I got really mad, but the genius said: "Now, you still have one wish."
- Ok, but this doesn't answer my question: why the fuck are you carrying that big guy in a mac, wearing a hat??
- Well, buddy, why do you think I asked for a "big dick"?!"

Sorry.

[Keeyth]

Doesn't translate well into American culture. No idea what a mac is... ..nor the relation of billion dollars to bollocks...

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Originally posted by Keeyth
Doesn't translate well into American culture. No idea what a mac is... ..nor the relation of billion dollars to bollocks...

Really sorry.

By "mac" ("mackintosh"), I meant a raincoat. And yes, there is no relation between "dollars" and "bollocks", but the genius is deaf.
It sure doesn't translate well. The original "story" says "milliard" (a billion euros, dollars, pounds, whatever) for "billard" (a pool) and a "grosse mite" (a big moth) for a "grosse bite" (a bick dick)...

Anyway, that's true, I missed it. It's not a good sign when you must explain the hows or whys...

[Jurak]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."


He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"


The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my... test...results...back?"

[Bob_R]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for $19.95

Divorced Barbie for $265.95


The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers :

"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car,



Ken's House,



Ken's Boat,



Ken's Furniture,



Ken's Computer and...



One of Ken's Friends.

[Bob_R]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[Matt White]

HOW THE BIRTH ORDER OF YOUR CHILDREN CHANGES THE WAY THINGS ARE DONE:

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

[Jurak]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
(Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.)

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed,

the bills aren't paid,

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only one check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

[Jurak]

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.



5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[Matt White]

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

[Matt White]

Top bumper stickers seen around the world
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

Thank You For Pot Smoking.

To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!

Boldly Going Nowhere

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

Don't Be Sexist - Birds Hate That

Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

Grow your own dope --- Plant a man.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

[franksters]

Here is the ultimate proof of global warming!

[blonddgirl777]

Originally posted by franksters
Here is the ultimate proof of global warming!

L.O.L...
How can you be against it?

[Keeyth]

Who said we were???

Take it off!! Take it ALL off!!!

[Katydid]

lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She
noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She
immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile
turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man
arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but
notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had
to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant
sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,'
and I could hardly contain myself. But, your Honor,
when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
Accident,' I just lost it."

[Jurak]

A blind man enters a bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb 'blonde' joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professionalwrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and I have a very bad attitude.

Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, then shakes his head and says:
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Matt White]

There was a couple who was about to get married. Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died. As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St. Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.
He was gone for several months then finally returned.
The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"
St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here, do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"

[franksters]

hilarious!

http://www.laserp.com/fun_stuff/star_schmucks.htm